| General Fiction posted March 2, 2025 | Chapters: |
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I woke up this mornin' feelin' fine...
A chapter in the book No - Say It Ain't So!
NO! Say It Ain't So! Ch. 14
by Wayne Fowler
In the last chapter, Trump (Phil) did not get switched back, even though four days had passed. But he and Tom could not know if it was the distance to Hawaii or not. They arranged for Tom to have a package of books with a burner phone inside to be hidden in the safe house garage. Phil called the Vice President into the Oval Office to grill him about his investigations. Trump intimidated him into expediting the work. Trump promised him a seat on the court, despite the Vice President’s obvious contrary wishes.
Chapter Fourteen
Presented in 3rd person, omniscient (see notes)
Trump (the real – the time is back to the first switch)
Presented in 3rd person, omniscient (see notes)
Trump (the real – the time is back to the first switch)
“Help! Somebody! Help!” President Trump woke up in the safe house. The guard was unsympathetic since the prisoner was screaming in Phil’s voice.
“I’m gonna defund them,” he declared to no one. Waking in the small home was a shock. He referred to it as a shack. And a prison. The doors were all locked, even the windows. There was no telephone anywhere. Diet Cokes, bread, and canned and tray foods were available, but he didn’t consider such fare food.
“Help! Somebody! I have money. I’ll pay you. Call Ivanka. Call Melania! Help! I’m starving! I can’t eat and the microwave doesn’t work!”
For days he watched TV. Yelled at the TV.
He thought he’d lost his mind, gone crazy. “This is what crazy feels like when people have split personalities.” He thought. Of course, he’d seen himself in the mirror. “This guy woke up thinking he’s me. No wonder they think they’re different people, act like different people. I act differently. I think I’m me. But I’m not. I’m this Philip guy with a short body and ugly hair.”
Philip, of course, was the name on the driver’s license in his wallet, the name that the police called him.
The guard in the shack at the road thought to himself, “No wonder they have this guy secured. He’s convinced that he’s Trump. I guess they want him out here where he won’t hurt anyone and no one can get to him. He probably hasn’t done anything wrong, broken any laws, but they’re afraid he might. Maybe this guy is connected somehow… rich. And they don’t want him in an insane asylum. Who knows. He is convincing, though. If you only just read a transcript of what he said. One look at him, though, or the sound of his voice…”
The guard thought he’d better do something about the microwave. He was not calling the boss over that, though, at least not until he’d checked it. But he sure as heck he wasn’t going in the house, not even with the crazy man asleep. “I didn’t get the gig by being stupid,” he thought.
The guard decided that he would look at some video and write a note to place in the garage. READ THE MICROWAVE INSTRUCTIONS ON THE FOOD BOX. PRESS THE NUMBER 1. OPEN THE MICROWAVE AND STIR AFTER ONE MINUTE. REPEAT FOR EACH MINUTE ON THE INSTRUCTIONS. LET SIT ONE MINUTE. EAT.
DO NOT PUT CANS IN THE MICROWAVE. OPEN CAN. EMPTY INTO DISH FIRST. THEN MICROWAVE. OR EAT COLD.
“How many times do I have to click your door to the garage before you figure it out, Bozo? I can see you on the monitor! I see you looking that way. Go check it out, Moron! It’s an electronic lock! Click and you can open it!” The guard was talking to himself, aggravated that the person in the house, though he looked at the door, wouldn’t at least try it.
“There, finally. Read the note. That’s right. Now pick something and read the instructions. There you go, Jimmie Dean. You’ll like that. Oop. Easy does it, there muscle man. Okay, it doesn’t need the top anyway. Somebody else will be cleaning that thing.
“Ding. Ding! Mister. Time to eat. There you go.”
+++
“Well, you’re up early this morning," the guard said to himself. "Coffee, that’s a switch. What, no TV this morning?” The guard in the shack was watching his charge on the monitor. What’re you doing, there, pardner? You don’t trust anybody? Going through your wallet? You’re acting like a different person altogether.
“Whoa, ixnay of the OXFay today? … What, only ten minutes of news? And more coffee? Oh, you must have gone to culinary school in your dreams there, Bub. Nice going. I won’t have to worry about your balanced diet today.”
+++
( a few days later)
“Help! Help! Somebody! Help! I have lots of money! Call Melania!”
The guard studied the monitors. Thinking, nearly out loud. “What’s up, Bub? Meds wear off? Man, oh man. You forget everything you knew about the microwave? No wonder they have you locked up. A few days of normalcy and wham-bam, lunacy.
“Find your note, Bozo! Geez. Do I have to write another one?”
A few moments later Tom drove into the compound, stopping at the guard shack.
“Hello, Bud. Got some I.D? Oh, yeah, Tom. I got a call. Been expecting you. Hey, that guy in there is something, ain’t he?”
“What do you mean?” Tom asked.
“Well, one day he’s hollering for Melania or Ivanka. Can’t even use the microwave, and the next he’s drinking coffee instead of Cokes and all cool like McCool.”
Tom chuckled. “Sounds like our man. Thanks.”
“You need some help unloading? No? Okay. You got him a Big Mac? Hope it’s still hot. He isn’t much at the microwave the last few days.”
“President Trump?” Tom knocked on the inside entry door. “Here’s a Big Mac. Put it in the microwave for just half a minute if you want it hotter. There’s two chocolate shakes. You can put one in the freezer for tomorrow. No, Mr. President. I don’t have the key to that door. After I leave, listen for the click and you can open it. Good-bye, now. I can’t hear you anymore.”
Tom stashed the box of books within the workbench.
+++
“Wonderfine, Tom.”
“Wonderfine to you!” Mr. President.
Phil told Tom of the meeting with the Vice President and offering him a seat on the Supreme Court. Tom snickered politely.
“So he’s peeing his pants having to write up dirt on his favorite Justices. He sees his very favorite resign. Then, he resigns as Vice President. And then his next-to-favorite, Kavanaugh, gets impeached by the House after you appoint someone else to the Court. Then you appoint another. Bingo, a 5-4 Supreme Court.”
“It could go that way,” Phil in Trump’s body said. “But maybe not. I would appoint centrists, where I expect Roberts will be from now on in an effort to rebuild his integrity and legacy. Might suddenly be 6-3. Or on some issues either way.”
“Back to now,” Phil said, “you get our friend served yesterday?”
“Yes sir. And he enjoyed the Big Mac. I stayed with the guard long enough to see him drinking the shake after putting the second one in the freezer.”
“Hope the valium wasn’t too strong. I don’t think I’ve ever taken any. The guard was gonna keep an eye on him. Said I’ve been… he’s been, pretty stressed the last few days. “Hate that part. Wish we could get him to relax. Some way to occupy him and sedate him.”
“I hope the valium doesn’t trigger a switch,” Tom replied.
Both Phil and Tom sipped their morning coffee in silence.
“Tell me, Mr. President, the next switch and it’s you in the safe house, if there is another switch, would you like me to get you out?” Tom listened, wondering how he could pull it off and fulfill his duties with the President.
Phil thought about it. “I could get out with a lock-pick kit, and maybe it would be a good idea to hide one in the garage. I’m not sure if I could pick one fast enough to be unseen by a guard watching the video feeds, though. But if I were to break out, as far as I know now, all I would do is go home. But if it turns out to be a very long stay the next time…”
Tom nodded and said he would get a lock pick.
Writing this fantasy, I considered POV (1st and 3rd omniscient, objective, and limited). I quickly determined that it required the intimacy of Phil's experience but also needed Tom's POV since Phil was not always privy to events necessary to the story. In this chapter, the reader needs to know what is happening to Trump when he is outside either Phil or Tom's view. 1st person Trump is not an option. This leaves a brief switch to 3rd as the only alternative to rewriting the entire project in 3rd, which, in my opinion, would lose more than it would gain.
I recently read Lee Child's The Bodyguard short story in which he seamlessly transitioned from 1st to 3rd. Only because of this project did I even notice. Here, I did not attempt so bold a faux pas, choosing to warn readers before the fact with headers.
I'm totally open to suggestions.
(This short chapter is presented alone, isolating the issue.)
photo from FanArtReview: FamousHouse!20 by nikman
Phil Jansen: woke up one day as Donald Trump
Donald Trump: woke up one day as Phil
Tom McQuin: White House butler
Betty Goodman: White House Chief of Staff
Dr. Schweitz: White House doctor
Hakeem Jeffries: as himself, House minority leader
Pays
one point
and 2 member cents. I recently read Lee Child's The Bodyguard short story in which he seamlessly transitioned from 1st to 3rd. Only because of this project did I even notice. Here, I did not attempt so bold a faux pas, choosing to warn readers before the fact with headers.
I'm totally open to suggestions.
(This short chapter is presented alone, isolating the issue.)
photo from FanArtReview: FamousHouse!20 by nikman
Phil Jansen: woke up one day as Donald Trump
Donald Trump: woke up one day as Phil
Tom McQuin: White House butler
Betty Goodman: White House Chief of Staff
Dr. Schweitz: White House doctor
Hakeem Jeffries: as himself, House minority leader
Artwork by nikman at FanArtReview.com
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