| General Fiction posted February 17, 2025 | Chapters: |
2 3 -4- 5... 
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I woke up one morning feeling ...
A chapter in the book No - Say It Ain't So!
NO! Say It Ain't So! Ch 4
by Wayne Fowler
In the last chapter, Donald Trump woke (the first time) as Phil Jansen in Jansen’s home. He managed to get to a McDonald’s and after creating a scene with policemen was transported to the police station in handcuffs for being a crazy man. As a courtesy, Trump was driven home and after a while, Hakeem Jeffries’ contacts took Trump to a safe house.
Chapter Four
Trump (Phil)
It was time for the Cabinet meeting I’d called. Monday afternoon at four, time enough for everyone to get here from wherever, but not enough time left in the day that any would try to belabor a point.
When I asked Betty to give me a seating chart an hour before the meeting, she once more acted like I was stupid. I didn’t care. In fact, it fit in my role-playing. Not only did I not know all the secretaries, but just as I guessed, Elon and Betty both had seats in the room. “Huh-uh,” I said. Secretaries only.”
“I… we…”
I gave Betty my clown smile, the one that with a little make-up I could be confused with IT. And make sure Elon does not get into the building. Speaking of clown make-up, I let Tom convince me to continue with the orange spray. He helped me with my hair, too. But I drew the line at the shoe inserts.
“Ladies and gentlemen, you’ve probably heard some pretty crazy rumors about changes in my administration.” I heard grumbling and squeaking chairs, but no one put words to the more than palpable thoughts. “So here it is. I have not had a stroke or anything. Dr. Schweitz was here twice and can confirm that. I told him he could answer any of your concerns.
“Write this down…” Only a few cocked their pens. “Whatever we agreed on before, I want no drastic action taken for six weeks, at least. We’ll have another meeting before then. That means we’re not selling any land,” I looked at the Secretary of the Interior. “Not prosecuting any of our political opponents, or even investigating them.” The Attorney General might have sighed and relaxed a bit, I don’t know. “We’re doing nothing about Greenland. I’m not talking about Greenland anymore.
“Mr. Duffy, you better not make Pete Buttigieg look good.” I gave him my convicted felon glare. Safety first and he got the message.
“Career bureaucrats. Nobody gets fired. They’re just doing their jobs. They worked for me four years ago. It’s not their fault that the team changes colors every four years. You can move people around, but nobody gets sent off to Nome or Siberia.” I shot everybody the felonious glare. They got it.
In the next few minutes, I addressed each department. Against my better judgment, I opened the floor to questions. Right off I had to say no – no private meetings for now. Send me a memo. To some of their questions, I alternated my goofy look, dumb-bell look, and felon look, none of which was appropriate to the question asked. Having heard from all who posed a question, I closed the meeting and left, clearing my throat and motioning as if to say I leave first, clear a path.
Once out the door, I wondered who, if anyone might be the first to say the words – Article 25, the Amendment to the Constitution that allowed the cabinet to vote whether the President should be removed from office for being incapacitated, incompetent to govern. The Vice President, I am certain, would go along with it.
I was confident that I caught them all off guard. Real notions of my removal would probably be a few weeks away. They would have to hear from the cabal, their financial backers, the oligarch. I made a beeline outta there, glad that I didn’t see Betty anywhere about, though I’m sure she was there and had probably been listening by way of electronics that I didn’t know about.
+++
The next morning Tom and I enjoyed our coffee as had become our wonderfine routine. Suddenly, Tom bolted from the counter area where he had buttered my toast. He dropped the butter container and ran to snatch the toast from my hand just before I could take a bite. Right before our eyes, the butter was coagulating to a crystal-like form. We looked at one another understanding that battle had been engaged.
“Probably not a cabinet member,” I said. “We just had the meeting yesterday.”
“Could be, though. They’ve had time. Could be anyone” Cabinet, Congress, Secret Service, the Party… anyone.”
“Could we look at the video, see who accessed the kitchen?” I asked.
“Easily doctored,” Tom replied. “And even so, the one putting the butter in the fridge might not have known it was poisoned.”
“You sure it was…?”
“Oh, yes sir. Want me to feed it to a dog and watch?”
I shook my head saying no. “I’d better call the First Lady. She was coming down from New York after I addressed the U.N.”
“Excuse me, sir, but did you open the package of briefs yourself this morning?”
“No. They’re the new ones you bought, like we said, but I thought you went ahead and took them out of the package.”
Tom jumped up, but I beat him to the bedroom where I stripped off my pants. I’d go commando until Tom got me another set of underwear. We agreed that the packaging would be intact, packs of three. He would replace the opened packages with new ones regularly, at least for the near future.
That evening, late for me, there was an air catastrophe. I really chewed out the Secret Service Director for not notifying. It was about 9 o’clock and I might have already been asleep, I don’t know, but I should have been advised. Then I thought. Trump would most likely have been awake, but if asleep, very aggravated to have been woken up. Oh well, what’s done is done. Let the Secret Service director stew.
I told Betty I wanted to make a personal appearance in the press room as soon as she could get the Secretary of Transportation here. He was out of town, some ground-breaking ceremony for a Biden project.
As I Trumped my way to the press room, I remembered my conversation with Hakeem, I had to be Trump. The goal was to win the House in ’26. But if I could get Trump impeached… For that, though, I would have to do even more than shoot someone on 5th Avenue.
“It was Biden’s DEI hiring,” I said of the catastrophe, ashamed of myself for saying it. When questioned about what evidence I had to support such a claim, I simply replied that I had commonsense. I should be committed. Those poor families of the lost souls. I felt horrible as I smirked my way from the room, leaving Kirsten to deal with my calamity.
+++
My suite in New York City had two bedrooms. Tom occupied the second. I didn’t care what anyone thought. Tom checked my food, switching plates with me once. Instead of room service, we ate protein bars and protein drinks that he’d brought. It would kill me for Tom to be poisoned, but… well, he was my hero.
Once salutations were made, I got right to the point, checking my U.N. speech notes, but not using a teleprompter.
“Ladies and gentlemen, friends, and members who are not so friendly.” I threw that in because as Trump, I could. “First, let me declare here and now. America is a proud member of NATO, the North Atlantic Treaty Organization. Under which is Article Five. An attack against one, is an attack against all. The only time that has ever been enacted is after September 11, 2001. And we will never forget it.” I waited through the applause.
“An integral part of the United Nations charter is that borders shall not be changed as a result of war. We stand by that.” There was more applause.
“America will resist aggression all over the world. Peace is our mission.” More applause. “And if we have to fight for peace, we will.” More applause. I wanted to keep it short and simple. I couldn’t make myself Trump through a speech where I wanted the message to be the message, not Trump be the message. “Pick up the fallen. Feed the hungry. Help heal the sick. And protect the weak.”
I turned and left the podium to standing ovation. People would swear that Trump had been possessed. Let them. They couldn’t dispute that it was Trump speaking. They can analyze the tape to their hearts’ content.
photo from FanArtReview: FamousHouse!20 by nikman
Phil Jansen: woke up one day as Donald Trump
Donald Trump: woke up one day as Phil
Tom McQuin: White House butler
Betty Goodman: White House Chief of Staff
Dr. Schweitz: White House doctor
Hakeem Jeffries: as himself, House minority leader
Kirsten: Trump press secretary
Pays
one point
and 2 member cents. Phil Jansen: woke up one day as Donald Trump
Donald Trump: woke up one day as Phil
Tom McQuin: White House butler
Betty Goodman: White House Chief of Staff
Dr. Schweitz: White House doctor
Hakeem Jeffries: as himself, House minority leader
Kirsten: Trump press secretary
Artwork by nikman at FanArtReview.com
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