| General Fiction posted February 25, 2025 | Chapters: |
...6 7 -8- 9... 
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I woke up this mornin' feelin' fine...
A chapter in the book No - Say It Ain't So!
No, Say It Ain't So, Ch. 9,10
by Wayne Fowler
In the last chapters Trump (Phil) was terrorized by fears of what might be happening to his (Phil’s) personal life. He and Tom resolve to take care of matters. Then Trump torments Betty with an insane morning.
Phil and Trump switched back after having spent ten days as each other. Tom and Hakeem spoke and agreed that Tom would take vacation time to help Phil. Phil and Tom have been unable to determine how or what happened to cause the switch.
Chapter Nine
Tom
“You know, Phil. I never asked if you even wanted to turn back to Trump.” It took a few minutes, but Phil finally stopped staring into his backyard and turned to me.
“It’s a scary prospect. What if I became stuck There? Would you?” Without waiting for a response, Phil continued. “But look at the good I could do… we could do. At the harm we could prevent. The lives saved around the world.” He shook his head and chuckled. “I know… a bit grandiose.”
“Not at all, Phil. Trump would never help hurting and dying third-world people of color in a million years. He’s ready to let Putin flatten and gobble Ukraine. He doesn’t care if Putin moves into Poland or Moldova or the Baltics. Shoot, he’s ready to kill Obama-Care and doesn’t give a flip whether Americans earn a pension or not.”
“So, you’re in?” Phil asked.
“I’m in. I’ll help you get back into the White House – if I can. Wish it was easy. Tell me, the night before the event. You were reading this book.” I held up the paperback. “Did you take anything… Melatonin, antihistamine, pain killer. Did you have a drink? Smoke any pot?”
Phil laughed. “Don’t smoke, dip, or chew. And don’t go out with girls who do.”
I gave him the perfunctory chuckle.
“Don’t drink or smoke dope – you know all that. I’ve taken antihistamine, but not for sleeping. Don’t even know what Melatonin is, but I’ve heard of it.”
“You’re a regular Boy Scout,” I quipped, smiling so he’d know I was joking.
“Ever dabble in the occult?”
“I’ve read all Jim Butcher’s books.”
When I didn’t respond, he added, “The Dresdin Files? Some of the X Files came from them.”
“Lately?” I asked. He shook his head in the negative.
“Years ago.”
“What do you remember about that day and the evening? Eat any mushrooms?”
Phil grinned. “I might have seen Alice, but not the one with a restaurant. No, seriously. I watched the news, PBS. It was depressing. Trump had been President for a day-and-a-half. My son called. We talked for a bit, nothing unusual going on. I looked on Prime and Netflix for a movie to get my mind off politics. After trying several and quitting them, I read my Bible for a few minutes and then got ready for bed. I read some in that before going to sleep.” He’d pointed at the paperback.
“What did you read in the Bible?” Phil thought a minute before walking over to the table beside me where a Bible sat. I guessed that I was sitting where he normally did. He opened to where there was a bookmark.
“First Samuel, chapter 28. I’m reading it through.”
I nodded, encouraging him to go on.
“That’s the part where Saul consults with a medium, a witch, and calls up Samuel.”
“You didn’t call up anyone before going to bed, did you?” I was only half kidding. Something very strange happened that night. But I was quite sure it was not the devil’s doing. “Do you believe in witches, witchcraft?” I asked.
“Paul did,” Phil answered. “He got in trouble with the authorities when he prayed to shut one up. Witches and such are mentioned in several places in both testaments.”
I nodded. “The ten days mean anything to you? Like if it was to happen again, could we count on ten days?”
Phil shrugged his shoulders.
“Well, I can’t come up with anything. I could stay, or…”
“Would you?” Phil asked. “I have a spare room. My son and daughter stayed with me a few times. We’d see the sights, go to some ballgames.”
“What about your work at the White House?”
“Not real sure I have a job there anymore. Benjamin, my boss didn’t like that you, Trump, adopted me. Messed with his control thing. I fully expect with me going home with Covid symptoms, he put someone else there and I think he would ask Trump if everything was all right. He’d use that as an excuse to leave whoever on the third floor and reassign me. Like I said, even if I still had a job.”
“How will I get you back, if, you know, I switch back?”
“You knew who you were all the time, right? That you were Phil Jansen and what all you’d done the day before? No blackout time?”
“Yeah. Remember, I told you my name and address?”
“Well then. You’ll know to call for Benjamin and insist he get you back – me back or him gone. An offer he can’t refuse.”
“Godfather him,” Phil returned, smiling. “Speaking of waking up with a horse’s head… I’d really like you to zap me if I wake up as Trump. I wouldn’t like him around here ruining my life.”
“I could do that. And if it doesn’t happen in the next few days, I could come back to be here on the tenth day, just in case.”
“I like it. But we need to do some grocery shopping. You could get some beer if you’d like.”
Phil did a quick inventory of his pantry and fridge. We decided to drive to Arlington, Virginia, to not take the risk of being me being recognized, not that I would be, but several have seen me with the President. I just wouldn’t want Phil to be photographed, or someone with authority accessing some closed-circuit camera footage.
+++
It was the fourth day, a Tuesday. I woke just after two AM with a bad feeling. Hanging around would be stupid. In thirty-five minutes I was at Phil’s house using the key he’d given me to gain entry, tranquilizer gun in hand. I made myself comfortable in the chair that gave me a view of Phil’s bedroom door.
When he shot me a “Who are you?” I got him tranquil and caught him in time to firemen’s carry him to the back seat of my car.
“Hello, Hakeem? Yeah, it’s Tom. I have our friend in the backseat of my car. I can be at the house in about an hour.”
“He’s out?”
“Cold.”
“Might be a bit of a wait, but I’ll get someone to open and close.”
“Thank you, sir.”
We disconnected at the same time. I was going to have to go home to clean up and get dressed, but I didn’t expect a call from Benjamin for a few hours, mid-morning, probably.
I wondered how Phil – Trump/Phil – was going to learn what all he might have to reverse.
I bought a Covid test kit to take in with me. Test in front of Ol’ Benjamin. I also bought a meth/cocaine test kit. I figured that Don Junior was due, if he wasn’t there already.
Chapter Ten
Trump (Phil)
“Wonderfine, Tom. I’m wonderfine. You back yet?... Good. Anyone else there? Cleaning people? Good. I’ll be up for lunch in about thirty.” I was in the Round Office reading about my ridiculous cabinet nominations.
All right back to work. It actually worked for the best. Trump was here to deal with Junior. And he didn’t play any golf to blow my bursitis excuse. He also signed a few more Executive Orders that I would have wrenched a gut signing. I’ve already figured out how to have a press conference and confuse the Dickens out of the issues. No one will know how to implement the orders and the Cabinet Secretaries will have to put them on pause.
As far as I know at this point, the Vice President is continuing with his investigations. In the four days he was here, Trump never once spoke to him, the Vice President.
The bad news is good and bad. Trump got into a shouting match with Musk. Elon threatened him. Trump threatened back using the government contracts and also higher taxes along with an audit. The bad news is that they kissed and made up. But it’s still a win – they will trust one another even less than before.
+++
“Tom! Good to see you again. Hope you didn’t hurt me.”
Tom laughed. “Mr. President, we should probably go on the assumption that this trip may only be four days. But there’s no way to know. Did you have any warning? Any sense of the event?”
“None, woke up here at about two. Managed to go back to sleep for an hour. Your replacement did not come in and make coffee. I used that to have him reassigned.”
“Anything I can do for you?
“Not as of this moment. But since Trump was not poisoned, we can relax on that front.”
“I’m not so sure, Mr. President. It might be slow-acting. He, you, might have been exposed, but without symptoms yet. We should remain vigilant.”
I nodded. “The cook came in right after our conversation. Grilled cheese and soup okay?”
“Sure. I feel like Trump ate a thousand hamburgers. Did you tell the cook no mayo?”
“I did. For both of us.”
“Good. Thank you.” I lowered my voice just in case. “Does Hakeem know?”
Tom nodded.
“I’m going to push Congress to pass a law doing away with the debt limit. The Democrats will be mad. They want to use it against the Republicans – a little turnabout is fair play. But the truth is that the Democrats have always hated that law. It’s stupid. If you have a problem with debt, deal with it in the budget. If you pass a spending bill, you automatically approve the associated rise in debt. Period.”
Tom just nodded. I nodded back.
“And that’s what I did. I sent over a bill. Identical language to both the House and the Senate. I called Schumer and teased him about asking for this very thing four years ago. He wanted to bitch at me for destroying Civil service. Of course, I agree with him, but I couldn’t tell him that, not as Trump. We both got a little loud. I dared him to send the border bill over, the one I killed last year before I was even President. He said he would. So now I have to call Johnson in the House and tell him that I want it.
“I’m pretty sure Trump, the real Trump, if he’s here, will sign them.”
The pins are in the air…pins, or balls, or knives, I don’t know. Anyway. The juggling has started. I have to keep everything in the air and be sure to catch them in the right order. And no doubt others will be tossing their own pins, or balls, or whatever that I will have to add to the mix. That is, if I’m still in Trump’s body.
+++
There was a dinner that night that I didn’t know about until Betty reminded me at about four o’clock. Some Florida millionaires. Ron DeSantis wanted to come, but Betty told him no herself. Hah!
Betty acted confused when I told her that I wanted to look over the menu. I guess I’d never done that before. But then again, Betty was not here in my first term, so she wouldn’t really know. Of course, it was too late to make any changes. I just wanted the guest list that was attached. I looked them up when I got upstairs. Well, I had Tom look them up. I wouldn't know their nicknames, but felt okay about their first names. I could stumble my way around small talk, mumble and act dumb, offering stupid grins, smile for photos, and then act extremely tired.
Most of them would either think I was worn out from the schedule Project 2025 had me under, or that age was catching up to me. Some might think I was losing my mind. I didn’t care.
+++
“Wonderfine, Tom,” I said the next morning at 3:45.
“The First Lady is here,” Tom whispered. “In her room. Got here at about ten. That’s all I know except that she asked for breakfast to be ready at 9:30.”
I nodded. “I think I’ll go to the Oval Office at six. I want to study all, every one of Trump’s Executive Orders.”
Tom nodded as he handed me a cup of coffee.
Just after ten, the First Lady arrived at the Oval Office. I puckered and leaned in to kiss her cheek. She offered me a scowl and looked around the office. “I thought you were going to remodel this… this office.” Her grimace preceded her gaze.
I harumphed, soliciting a furrowed brow along with the scowl. “What are you doing today?” I asked.
She didn’t answer. My immediate guess, the way she was dressed, was some photo shoot, probably for a magazine. Her outfit looked too complicated for a shopping trip.
“I want a different bodyguard,” she said. “These don’t carry packages. And every woman they gave me last time was… not too pretty. And there is no way to dress with her gun. And why do I have to have two every time I go out?”
“I’ll talk to…”
“No, Donald. I will talk. Your talk does nothing.”
She left the office without offering me her cheek. The best thing for me was the separate bedrooms. Worked perfectly. I should have asked about Barron. But then that might have been out of character. I had no idea.
By lunchtime, I had a top-secret, eyes-only list that I had to protect from Betty. I’m sure that would be out of character, but she could check my DNA all day long. Any fears that I was an imposter would fade away. I’m physically Donald Trump. But if she was in on putting me away, should I stray from the program… No, this list was for me. But I would really like to have regular sessions with Hakeem or Schumer. No way. I had to forget about that.
Next, I asked Betty for a complete list of my nominations, both filled, filled but not yet confirmed, and the positions yet to be filled. I called Senator Thune and Speaker Johnson for the voting records of their members. I specified that I wanted to know, of those now in office, who my most loyal supporters were, as well as the most disloyal. I’d already prefaced it with hints that I was looking at administration positions, that every spot was on the table, whether already filled, or still open. Let them think I was an idiot. I didn’t care. In fact, that would work to my benefit.
What I had in mind was to appoint to an office whatever it took to sabotage Johnson’s majority. The Senate was obviously too much of a long shot. And any red Senator who might accept a position would more than likely be from a red state and be replaced by a red governor. The House was my best shot.
Before leaving for lunch, I instructed Betty on which executive orders I would rescind, and who I wanted to see that afternoon. Also, there were two orders that the real Trump reversed my reversals during the last few days. This was going to be fun.
photo from FanArtReview: FamousHouse!20 by nikman
Phil Jansen: woke up one day as Donald Trump
Donald Trump: woke up one day as Phil
Tom McQuin: White House butler
Betty Goodman: White House Chief of Staff
Dr. Schweitz: White House doctor
Hakeem Jeffries: as himself, House minority leader
Kirsten: Trump press secretary
Pays
one point
and 2 member cents. Phil Jansen: woke up one day as Donald Trump
Donald Trump: woke up one day as Phil
Tom McQuin: White House butler
Betty Goodman: White House Chief of Staff
Dr. Schweitz: White House doctor
Hakeem Jeffries: as himself, House minority leader
Kirsten: Trump press secretary
Artwork by nikman at FanArtReview.com
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