ASCENDANT DAWN
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Chapter 1 - Joreth"Far-Future Science-Fiction
10 total reviews
Comment from Tom Horonzy
God, I so wanted to help you out since this was your first read, but the genre simply ain't for me, sorry, but I wish you well. The title did little to invite me. Good luck in your FanStory adventure.
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God, I so wanted to help you out since this was your first read, but the genre simply ain't for me, sorry, but I wish you well. The title did little to invite me. Good luck in your FanStory adventure.
Comment Written 29-Mar-2025
Comment from Mrs Anna Howard
Congratulations on your first post and welcome to Fanstory! Science fiction is not usually my genre but I love a good thriller or mystery and this one kept me on edge. Well done!
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Congratulations on your first post and welcome to Fanstory! Science fiction is not usually my genre but I love a good thriller or mystery and this one kept me on edge. Well done!
Comment Written 29-Mar-2025
Comment from Jasmine Girl
This passage delivers an intense and immersive sci-fi narrative, blending military intrigue with eerie cosmic horror. The setting-Kaul'tharan, an ancient fortress on a dying planet-immediately establishes a haunting atmosphere, while the protagonist, Commander Joreth Kain, grapples with both the external siege and the unsettling transformation overtaking his troops.
Well done.
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This passage delivers an intense and immersive sci-fi narrative, blending military intrigue with eerie cosmic horror. The setting-Kaul'tharan, an ancient fortress on a dying planet-immediately establishes a haunting atmosphere, while the protagonist, Commander Joreth Kain, grapples with both the external siege and the unsettling transformation overtaking his troops.
Well done.
Comment Written 29-Mar-2025
Comment from Harambe iz ur Daddy
I rarely read anything here over 1000 words, and I read this twice, first with audio dictation and then through an editing lens. You have thought this out in meticulous detail from different angles, suggesting you have a pretty competent multidisciplinary technical background. I am wondering if you got all this knowledge from military experience or from playing too much Red Alert Command and Conquer when you were a kid (Commander Kain? Hahaha.)
There is so much here that you did well with the careful pacing and descriptions. I really liked the thought tags, which I have not seen before. Unfortunately, the site increases the proportional size of emphasis tags, which verges on distracting, but I think it is just below the threshold that it needs to be changed. I do all my editing care in the basic editor where I can control that stuff meticulously, but redundancy is unavoidable because I can't inject a CSS sheet without using a full-on iframe.
I was worried I would not find any edits for you. On a broader strategical level, because of the introspection ending this chapter, it may help if your next chapter pivots somewhere totally different.
Holographic displays rendered the battlefield in real-time: wavering red indicators representing rebel forces surrounding the blue fortress icon on three sides. <= I'm unsure if the colon provided the clarity you are looking for, given the progressive conjugations ("ing") that follow, rather than conventional past tense. I would probably just replace the colon with a comma.
Degraded beyond seventy percent effectiveness <= beyond or below?
Voss reported, her professional composure slipping. <= perhaps show how her professional composure is slipping
noting micro-expressions of surprise, fear, and -- most concerning -- guilt. <= has he seen guilt, or is he looking for it?
On first pass, I thought maybe a couple words were overused, like geometric and orchestrate, but that might not be the case and I did not find them bothersome on the second pass. In writing pieces of this length it is often useful to do a word incidence analysis. You may have already done that.
A delightful read, and I look forward to seeing the next installment.
Welcome to the site, and I hope you stick around for a bit. Best regards,
🦎
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2025
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I rarely read anything here over 1000 words, and I read this twice, first with audio dictation and then through an editing lens. You have thought this out in meticulous detail from different angles, suggesting you have a pretty competent multidisciplinary technical background. I am wondering if you got all this knowledge from military experience or from playing too much Red Alert Command and Conquer when you were a kid (Commander Kain? Hahaha.)
There is so much here that you did well with the careful pacing and descriptions. I really liked the thought tags, which I have not seen before. Unfortunately, the site increases the proportional size of emphasis tags, which verges on distracting, but I think it is just below the threshold that it needs to be changed. I do all my editing care in the basic editor where I can control that stuff meticulously, but redundancy is unavoidable because I can't inject a CSS sheet without using a full-on iframe.
I was worried I would not find any edits for you. On a broader strategical level, because of the introspection ending this chapter, it may help if your next chapter pivots somewhere totally different.
Holographic displays rendered the battlefield in real-time: wavering red indicators representing rebel forces surrounding the blue fortress icon on three sides. <= I'm unsure if the colon provided the clarity you are looking for, given the progressive conjugations ("ing") that follow, rather than conventional past tense. I would probably just replace the colon with a comma.
Degraded beyond seventy percent effectiveness <= beyond or below?
Voss reported, her professional composure slipping. <= perhaps show how her professional composure is slipping
noting micro-expressions of surprise, fear, and -- most concerning -- guilt. <= has he seen guilt, or is he looking for it?
On first pass, I thought maybe a couple words were overused, like geometric and orchestrate, but that might not be the case and I did not find them bothersome on the second pass. In writing pieces of this length it is often useful to do a word incidence analysis. You may have already done that.
A delightful read, and I look forward to seeing the next installment.
Welcome to the site, and I hope you stick around for a bit. Best regards,
🦎
Comment Written 28-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2025
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Thank you so much for the thoughtful and generous feedback. It really means a lot, especially knowing you gave it two passes. I'm glad the pacing and detail landed for you. I did spend nearly a decade in the military, which probably explains the layered angles and structure.
You’re spot-on about the introspective ending; each chapter will rotate between five main viewpoint characters, and the next one does shift perspective entirely, so hopefully that pivot keeps the momentum fresh. Really appreciate the notes on improvements, after making those revisions I feel those sections have better clarity now. And yep, I’ve been keeping an eye on word frequency; still tinkering, but glad it didn’t distract on the second read.
Thanks again for the warm welcome—looking forward to being part of the community!
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Thank you so much for the thoughtful and generous feedback. It really means a lot, especially knowing you gave it two passes. I'm glad the pacing and detail landed for you. I did spend nearly a decade in the military, which probably explains the layered angles and structure.
You’re spot-on about the introspective ending; each chapter will rotate between five main viewpoint characters, and the next one does shift perspective entirely, so hopefully that pivot keeps the momentum fresh. Really appreciate the notes on improvements, after making those revisions I feel those sections have better clarity now. And yep, I’ve been keeping an eye on word frequency; still tinkering, but glad it didn’t distract on the second read.
Thanks again for the warm welcome—looking forward to being part of the community!
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Double comment, must've hit save twice :)
Comment from Karen Cherry
Good writing. However, if you wish to be read, You will need to break this down into smaller bite size bits. When I first got here I wrote an almost 9,000 word story. It did not get read hardly at all. "I really don't belong here". got read by people after they knew me. But, the majority of people will pass you by and not finish if you write more than 1,200 words at a time. This is exciting and deeply detailed. You write of complicated scientific things without dumbing it down, or making or hard to understand, and that, my fine friend, is talent. You get six sixstars every Sunday to offer for really good stories. If you do not use the up, on Sunday the leftover old ones vanish. If you have questions you can ask me, I am old, I know things. And, if I do not know the answer chances are I will know who can answer it. Karen
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2025
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Good writing. However, if you wish to be read, You will need to break this down into smaller bite size bits. When I first got here I wrote an almost 9,000 word story. It did not get read hardly at all. "I really don't belong here". got read by people after they knew me. But, the majority of people will pass you by and not finish if you write more than 1,200 words at a time. This is exciting and deeply detailed. You write of complicated scientific things without dumbing it down, or making or hard to understand, and that, my fine friend, is talent. You get six sixstars every Sunday to offer for really good stories. If you do not use the up, on Sunday the leftover old ones vanish. If you have questions you can ask me, I am old, I know things. And, if I do not know the answer chances are I will know who can answer it. Karen
Comment Written 28-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2025
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Thank you so much, Karen! My chapters in draft usually run between 3–5k words, so I’ll have to see how that plays on this site. I really appreciate the insight on how things work here, and the heads-up about the six stars! I’ll definitely keep you in mind if I have any questions.
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You are welcome. Good work. Karen
Comment from Sarah Probe S.
well done on your first milestone, your script kept me captivated until the last paragraph, and am thanking you for such an inspiring fantasy fiction story,
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2025
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well done on your first milestone, your script kept me captivated until the last paragraph, and am thanking you for such an inspiring fantasy fiction story,
Comment Written 28-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2025
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Thank you for the kind words, I appreciate you taking the time to read my story.
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You’re most welcome 🌹
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
Wow! This is an amazing improvement. Some suggestions: Put it online in clumps of less than 2000 words. Try to end each section with a cliffhanger, like the call telling him the enemy is moving or the realization that the enemy are moving in unison like his overwhelmed troops in isolation. You have to call each section a chapter the way the book submission is done/ although Barbara.Wilkey has figured out a way to enter sections as 1A, 1B, etc. If you have any questions, you can get ahold of me but can't guarantee I'll know the answer.
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2025
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Wow! This is an amazing improvement. Some suggestions: Put it online in clumps of less than 2000 words. Try to end each section with a cliffhanger, like the call telling him the enemy is moving or the realization that the enemy are moving in unison like his overwhelmed troops in isolation. You have to call each section a chapter the way the book submission is done/ although Barbara.Wilkey has figured out a way to enter sections as 1A, 1B, etc. If you have any questions, you can get ahold of me but can't guarantee I'll know the answer.
Comment Written 27-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2025
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I have taken another look at the prose and cleaned up a lot to make it more accessible to a wider range of readers, and also to hopefully add more clarity and sense of purpose to the progression of the plot. It was indeed very verbose. I appreciate your insights and honest feedback, and thank you for taking the time to read my story.
Comment from Alexandra Trovato
Welcome! Congratulations!
I enjoyed reading your chapter and hope to make time to read what I've missed. Although I am passing through to review this chapter, I can see your writing is clear and easy to comprehend. You use vivid imagery descriptions and authentic dialogue for your theme. This is very creative and thought provoking, too.
I just have one note:
The comma is misplaced.
«I don't need algorithms to quantify our predicament," Joreth subvocalized, the words forming in his mind.
I hope I've helped your already excellent story.
Best wishes,
Alex
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2025
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Welcome! Congratulations!
I enjoyed reading your chapter and hope to make time to read what I've missed. Although I am passing through to review this chapter, I can see your writing is clear and easy to comprehend. You use vivid imagery descriptions and authentic dialogue for your theme. This is very creative and thought provoking, too.
I just have one note:
The comma is misplaced.
«I don't need algorithms to quantify our predicament," Joreth subvocalized, the words forming in his mind.
I hope I've helped your already excellent story.
Best wishes,
Alex
Comment Written 27-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2025
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Thanks, Alex, for assistance with that pesky comma and for taking time to read my story.
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Of course. ;) You're welcome!
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
Your chapter has such a intense atmosphere. The way you describe the battlefield is so well done. I feel this sense of dread reading it. I loved how you built tension with the idea that the rebels unity comes from something beyond just military coordination. Interesting! I can feel the pressure Joreth is under. I'm very interested in seeing how the story might unfold. Welcome! I would advise you keeping your chapters much shorter. This may be three chapters here since it's harder to read online. Just want to be sure you get lots of reads. Because this is great! Such a strong first post! Keep going - you've got me hooked!
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2025
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Your chapter has such a intense atmosphere. The way you describe the battlefield is so well done. I feel this sense of dread reading it. I loved how you built tension with the idea that the rebels unity comes from something beyond just military coordination. Interesting! I can feel the pressure Joreth is under. I'm very interested in seeing how the story might unfold. Welcome! I would advise you keeping your chapters much shorter. This may be three chapters here since it's harder to read online. Just want to be sure you get lots of reads. Because this is great! Such a strong first post! Keep going - you've got me hooked!
Comment Written 27-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2025
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Thanks for taking time to read my story. As of now, most of my draft chapters range from 3-5K words, so it might be too long for this site. I don't normally write short chapters, as there is a lot happening for each of my characters and I'm actively building a very large galaxy for them to play in. We'll see how things develop.
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Can't wait!
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Thank you for posting. Welcome to FanStory.
Your grammar and punctuation are exemplary.
Roget would be proud of your word variety.
I have a few criticisms, however. First is the length FanStorians read and review dozens of pieces daily. Generally, they don't have time for very long pieces. Myself, I've learned that it has to be pretty exciting or entertaining to make more than 1500-2000 words worth the time and energy.
Also, your sentences seem unnecessarily long and verbose. An example:
"Prepare all personnel for close-quarters defense," - 'all personnel' can be assumed.
...synchronized army advanced with inexorable precision - Sounds like ducks in a row. How hard could it be to knock off synchronized swimmers? The word synchronized might detract from the ferocity intended.
Best wishes.
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2025
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Thank you for posting. Welcome to FanStory.
Your grammar and punctuation are exemplary.
Roget would be proud of your word variety.
I have a few criticisms, however. First is the length FanStorians read and review dozens of pieces daily. Generally, they don't have time for very long pieces. Myself, I've learned that it has to be pretty exciting or entertaining to make more than 1500-2000 words worth the time and energy.
Also, your sentences seem unnecessarily long and verbose. An example:
"Prepare all personnel for close-quarters defense," - 'all personnel' can be assumed.
...synchronized army advanced with inexorable precision - Sounds like ducks in a row. How hard could it be to knock off synchronized swimmers? The word synchronized might detract from the ferocity intended.
Best wishes.
Comment Written 27-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2025
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I appreciate the honest feedback. I took a look at the prose and did some heavy edits, and tried to clean up some of the verbose wordage. Some things changed, some things didn't. Hopefully overall it reads much better now.
