Milwaukee Avenue
Observation in town2 total reviews
Comment from phill doran
Hello Jewell,
I think this is a bold attempt to convey a 'moment'. There's a tactile approach (taste and colour, sound and movement).
I have a couple of suggestions though - none of them are world-beaters, nothing other than an opinion, with no special weight. I mean no disrespect to your words.
Firstly, I see this as a verbal sketch, but I would suggest that you are not so sparse as to become staccato - your opening line does not invite the reader in, it's cryptic as it stands.
"Cast iron beneath"
I think just adding "me" changes that:
"Cast iron beneath me"
I now see 'you' on a bench or a bridge.
If I wrote:
"...La croissant, lingers on my tongue..."
Wouldn't the reader translate 'lingers' into 'taste and texture' - let the reader do some work. Even adding the French "la" could help convey the narrator's ironic approach to life. I am not saying these are appropriate changes, but that you might seek to use your words to do more than to describe what is there in front of you. Maybe reveal some of you, subtly in the process.
"Plane, many passengers carried above"
How would the narrator 'know' that there were many passengers on the flight? This is also what I mean about the risk of being too sparse. I can say this line in the Hollywood voice of an Indian Chief from a 1950's cowboy movie.
I am not going to line-by-line review, but I just wanted to offer you an alternative: something to think about. Try to find the underlayer. What you 'see' is the upper layer, but what are you telling me about you, or life in general: that's what is missing, I think.
And I also think this comes out in your closing line "Make sure to place yourself within it." should be more personal, worded so that you are letting me see you, how your approach life "...I place myself within it....", perhaps. Again, it gives the reader a sense of who you are, how you are navigating life. Even "Rising, I place myself within it..." If you were sitting on a bench, taking a break, the line coveys not just your physical action but your sense that the time allotted for reflection is over, and you are slotting back into the machine.
As I say, just some thoughts to provoke you. Nothing special, and I do wish you well with your continued writing.
cheers
phill
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2024
   |
Hello Jewell,
I think this is a bold attempt to convey a 'moment'. There's a tactile approach (taste and colour, sound and movement).
I have a couple of suggestions though - none of them are world-beaters, nothing other than an opinion, with no special weight. I mean no disrespect to your words.
Firstly, I see this as a verbal sketch, but I would suggest that you are not so sparse as to become staccato - your opening line does not invite the reader in, it's cryptic as it stands.
"Cast iron beneath"
I think just adding "me" changes that:
"Cast iron beneath me"
I now see 'you' on a bench or a bridge.
If I wrote:
"...La croissant, lingers on my tongue..."
Wouldn't the reader translate 'lingers' into 'taste and texture' - let the reader do some work. Even adding the French "la" could help convey the narrator's ironic approach to life. I am not saying these are appropriate changes, but that you might seek to use your words to do more than to describe what is there in front of you. Maybe reveal some of you, subtly in the process.
"Plane, many passengers carried above"
How would the narrator 'know' that there were many passengers on the flight? This is also what I mean about the risk of being too sparse. I can say this line in the Hollywood voice of an Indian Chief from a 1950's cowboy movie.
I am not going to line-by-line review, but I just wanted to offer you an alternative: something to think about. Try to find the underlayer. What you 'see' is the upper layer, but what are you telling me about you, or life in general: that's what is missing, I think.
And I also think this comes out in your closing line "Make sure to place yourself within it." should be more personal, worded so that you are letting me see you, how your approach life "...I place myself within it....", perhaps. Again, it gives the reader a sense of who you are, how you are navigating life. Even "Rising, I place myself within it..." If you were sitting on a bench, taking a break, the line coveys not just your physical action but your sense that the time allotted for reflection is over, and you are slotting back into the machine.
As I say, just some thoughts to provoke you. Nothing special, and I do wish you well with your continued writing.
cheers
phill
Comment Written 12-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2024
-
Thanks you so much for this great constructive criticism I haven't goten any from the other members so I appreciate it a lot, I agree that I didn't practice what I preach, I didn't place myself within the scene good, I didn't say what I was feeling or thoughts that came to mind in my observations of the world.
When I get the time edit and update the poem could I send it in a DM to you, if not I'll just update the original post, again thank you, and have a nice day.
Comment from talented150
I felt as if I were an observer of the sights and sounds on Milwaukee Avenue. Just simple people doing simple things - just living life. Then comes the conclusion: Make sure you are a participant in life on Milwaukee Street, or wherever you are. I liked it!
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2024
|
I felt as if I were an observer of the sights and sounds on Milwaukee Avenue. Just simple people doing simple things - just living life. Then comes the conclusion: Make sure you are a participant in life on Milwaukee Street, or wherever you are. I liked it!
Comment Written 11-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2024
-
Thanks you for taking the time to read and give feedback on my poem.
