Looking for Orion - 2
Viewing comments for Chapter 16 "Escape - part 1"Brothers fight for faith ... and for their lives.
11 total reviews
Comment from robyn corum
Deb,
This is really good stuff. I think you may be a better writer than even you realize. *smile* I love, love the relationship between these brothers. I'm wondering where the inspiration comes from.
I enjoy their back and forth dialogue and it seems very realistic. The part with the gun was extra fun. *smile*
Super chapter. Thanks!
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2020
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Deb,
This is really good stuff. I think you may be a better writer than even you realize. *smile* I love, love the relationship between these brothers. I'm wondering where the inspiration comes from.
I enjoy their back and forth dialogue and it seems very realistic. The part with the gun was extra fun. *smile*
Super chapter. Thanks!
Comment Written 25-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2020
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Thank you, Robyn! What a sweet thing to say.
Inspiration ... My older sister gave up on God a long time ago due to a violent incident involving our dad as a victim. It was orrific, and she just decided God was the 'Almighty Disappointer', which is what Jack calls Him in the story. She has never come back. ThMy younger sister and I had this kind of relationship with each other. So ? kind of a reflection of what we went through at different times and in a VERY different way. :)
Thank you for your wonderful review. I appreciate it.
Blessings,
Deb
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Oh, man, take them out of the woods and save them:) my poor heart can't take it anymore:) Well you manage to keep us on our toes, and thank you for putting a smile on my face with this phrase: "
"The next summer," Cody continued through clenched teeth, "you tried to ramp ... a parked truck and crashed ... into old lady Garcia's car. Good thing she drove like ... a snail. That one landed you a couple of days ... in the hospital. Gave Mom her first gray hair." Thank you for sharing and good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2020
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Oh, man, take them out of the woods and save them:) my poor heart can't take it anymore:) Well you manage to keep us on our toes, and thank you for putting a smile on my face with this phrase: "
"The next summer," Cody continued through clenched teeth, "you tried to ramp ... a parked truck and crashed ... into old lady Garcia's car. Good thing she drove like ... a snail. That one landed you a couple of days ... in the hospital. Gave Mom her first gray hair." Thank you for sharing and good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 25-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2020
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Glad the humor doesn't seem forced. :) And yes, my boys did both of those things. BOYS1 ugh... lol. One did land the trampoline, though. The car didn't go so well. lol
Thanks, as always, and blessings,
Deb
Comment from Margaret Bednar
I was totally into everything and was enthralled the whole time. You write it so well, I feel I am actually there! Just excellent writing and I can't wait for the next chapter. I wouldn't change a thing!
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2020
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I was totally into everything and was enthralled the whole time. You write it so well, I feel I am actually there! Just excellent writing and I can't wait for the next chapter. I wouldn't change a thing!
Comment Written 25-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2020
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You, my firend, are far too kind. But I appreciate it! Chapter gong up tonight should be a little easier ? or not. :)
Deb
Comment from Precious Owuamalam
This keeps going. Wow. A very lovely piece. You've written so well. I'm getting tired of the suspense. Please, tell me their fate. LOL! You're amazing.
I noticed you had written "hell" twice at some point. In one, the "h" was uppercase, the other was lowercase, any reason for that?
Here: 'And Mom would've gotten gray hair eventually, anyway." The starting quotation mark should be double not single.
Here: "brutally slashed to death by her live-in", live-in I guess is and adjective, hence, you may wish to complete the statement with a noun.
My very best wishes now and always.
More ink, more grace.
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2020
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This keeps going. Wow. A very lovely piece. You've written so well. I'm getting tired of the suspense. Please, tell me their fate. LOL! You're amazing.
I noticed you had written "hell" twice at some point. In one, the "h" was uppercase, the other was lowercase, any reason for that?
Here: 'And Mom would've gotten gray hair eventually, anyway." The starting quotation mark should be double not single.
Here: "brutally slashed to death by her live-in", live-in I guess is and adjective, hence, you may wish to complete the statement with a noun.
My very best wishes now and always.
More ink, more grace.
Comment Written 24-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2020
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I can always use more grace! :) What a lovely way to sign off.
Here in the US, a live-in is someone who significant other, someone who lives like they're married without the ceremony.
And as for the 'hell'... No reason except that, for me, Hell is a literal place. I'm not sure whether to cap it when used this way or not, since I don't use it this way. lol. I'll at least make it consistent throughout. lol.
Thanks for your sharp eye! Everyone else missed this. :)
Blessings on you,
Deb
Comment from Ulla
Oh, I loved this and it is so well written. I sure hope they get off the mountain in one piece. I'm just worried about the deer. They must have detected something. It's very well written. Great dialogue. All best.Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2020
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Oh, I loved this and it is so well written. I sure hope they get off the mountain in one piece. I'm just worried about the deer. They must have detected something. It's very well written. Great dialogue. All best.Ulla:)))
Comment Written 24-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2020
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Thank you, sweet Ulla. You encouragement is so appreciated!
Blessings,
Deb
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
That was so good! You have my last six. The only problems I saw were the line spacing between speech and paragraphs, but I think that was own to the site in the first parts of this. I'm hoping they get out of there alive. But, why did the deer run? Were they spooked by something, or, someone?? Well done, my friend, a very good half chapter. :)) Sandra xxx
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2020
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That was so good! You have my last six. The only problems I saw were the line spacing between speech and paragraphs, but I think that was own to the site in the first parts of this. I'm hoping they get out of there alive. But, why did the deer run? Were they spooked by something, or, someone?? Well done, my friend, a very good half chapter. :)) Sandra xxx
Comment Written 24-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2020
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Thank you! The advanced editor is so hard for me! (wah, wah?) I even changed the spacing once I got the work uploaded to try to eliminate that issue. I will try again...UGH! lol
Thank you so much.
Blessings,
Deb
Comment from royowen
This is a fabulous series Debora, it's exciting, you seemed to have handle on action commentary, which requires good expression of imagery, the plot is really good, as are your characters, perhaps the spacing is a bit spacious, but I don't mind that. Well done, great episode, blessings, Roy
Took the gun (form) his hand. From.
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2020
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This is a fabulous series Debora, it's exciting, you seemed to have handle on action commentary, which requires good expression of imagery, the plot is really good, as are your characters, perhaps the spacing is a bit spacious, but I don't mind that. Well done, great episode, blessings, Roy
Took the gun (form) his hand. From.
Comment Written 24-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2020
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Thank you, Roy! I fixed the word goof -- appreciate the catch. :)
Blessings,
Deb
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Well done
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
I like this simple fiction so impressively worked out, truly, we sometime fail to do trivial or small job and do big job easily; well said, well done; enjoyed the read; thank you for sharing this; keep writing. ALCREATOR
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2020
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I like this simple fiction so impressively worked out, truly, we sometime fail to do trivial or small job and do big job easily; well said, well done; enjoyed the read; thank you for sharing this; keep writing. ALCREATOR
Comment Written 24-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2020
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Thank you, Alcreator! :)
Comment from Bobby Cunningham
This is a very captivating story that held my attention throughout, my eyes and brain were eagerly pursuing the next line. I was very attentive to any typos and didn't find any. No gramatical errors either. Really excellent write and an enjoyable read.
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2020
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This is a very captivating story that held my attention throughout, my eyes and brain were eagerly pursuing the next line. I was very attentive to any typos and didn't find any. No gramatical errors either. Really excellent write and an enjoyable read.
Comment Written 24-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2020
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Thank you so much! THat's encouraging. :) Appreciate it.
Comment from thaities, Rebecca V.
This is one powerful story. The stamina in the two boys is phenomenal and a great example to us in our daily struggles. Perfect timing with the ongoing pandemic..
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reply by the author on 24-Jun-2020
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This is one powerful story. The stamina in the two boys is phenomenal and a great example to us in our daily struggles. Perfect timing with the ongoing pandemic..
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 24-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2020
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Yeah ? I am definitely getting tired of the pandemic. FS has been a great aid to get through! Appreciate your review! :)
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You're welcome.