Looking for Orion - 2
Viewing comments for Chapter 12 "The Hit -- part 3"Brothers fight for faith ... and for their lives.
8 total reviews
Comment from Precious Owuamalam
Blood they say is thicker than water. Jack is a hero! I hope and pray he gets Cody to safety in no time. Beautiful story! The story is long but you wouldn't mind the length when reading an interesting piece like this one.
Here: "THose guys?" Cody was still speaking into the ggrass that cradled his head. The "H" in "THose" should be lowercase. There's a double "g" for "grass"
Here: "HIs body still convulsed as waves of pain stabbed through him, but for the most part" the "I" I"HIs" should be lower case.
Here: "You feel like sitting up?" he asked. The ''h" in "he" should be uppercase.
Love story!
More ink!
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2020
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Blood they say is thicker than water. Jack is a hero! I hope and pray he gets Cody to safety in no time. Beautiful story! The story is long but you wouldn't mind the length when reading an interesting piece like this one.
Here: "THose guys?" Cody was still speaking into the ggrass that cradled his head. The "H" in "THose" should be lowercase. There's a double "g" for "grass"
Here: "HIs body still convulsed as waves of pain stabbed through him, but for the most part" the "I" I"HIs" should be lower case.
Here: "You feel like sitting up?" he asked. The ''h" in "he" should be uppercase.
Love story!
More ink!
Comment Written 22-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2020
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UGH! I hate corrections. lol. But I do appreciate you helping me!
I was taught that, in a quote that ends in a question mark instead of a comma to accommodate the tag line, the question mark isn't the 'real' end of the sentence. The 'he said' is a lower case 'h' instead of a cap. The question makr isn't viewed as the end of a sentence. Weird, huh.
I do appreciate all your work on my behalf! And I'm ald you're enjoying the story. :)
Blessings,
Deb
Comment from lyenochka
With the many extra blank lines, this post looks even longer than it is. For future posts, I'd recommend at least half this size. I also would suggest using the Advanced Editor if you're not already doing this.
I like how you sprinkled humor in this desperate situation that the brothers are in. I don't think Cody wants to camp with Jack again.
"He looked franticly" (frantically)
"THose guys?" (Those)
" into the ggrass that" (grass)
"tears from cody's face" (Cody's)
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2020
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With the many extra blank lines, this post looks even longer than it is. For future posts, I'd recommend at least half this size. I also would suggest using the Advanced Editor if you're not already doing this.
I like how you sprinkled humor in this desperate situation that the brothers are in. I don't think Cody wants to camp with Jack again.
"He looked franticly" (frantically)
"THose guys?" (Those)
" into the ggrass that" (grass)
"tears from cody's face" (Cody's)
Comment Written 17-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2020
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Thank you, Helen! I'll go catch those errors. I sure appreciate you. :)
Blessings,
Deb
Comment from robyn corum
Deb,
Okay, now a bit more of the last chapter makes sense - the mag in the back pocket, for example. So, I'll forgive you for that. *smile* You're welcome.
I LOVE the relationship between these guys. Their dialogue is fabulous. Kudos.
Notes:
1.) He glanced at the compass to get his bearings and kept going.
--> why does he need his compass? He knows where he's headed and he knows where his campsite is
2.) If the knife-carrier managed to convince his partner the necessity of killing their witness,
--> never said they saw him
3.) He looked (frantically) up the hill as he jogged,
4.) "(Th)ose guys?" Cody was still speaking into the (g)rass that cradled his head.
5.) forward to wipe dirt and tears from (C)ody's face.
6.) Cody's right arm had been broken (i)n the fall.
7.) Cody reached for Jack. "Oh, God! Jack!" he cried (frantically),
8.) he gently placed butterfly stitches across
--> strips
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2020
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Deb,
Okay, now a bit more of the last chapter makes sense - the mag in the back pocket, for example. So, I'll forgive you for that. *smile* You're welcome.
I LOVE the relationship between these guys. Their dialogue is fabulous. Kudos.
Notes:
1.) He glanced at the compass to get his bearings and kept going.
--> why does he need his compass? He knows where he's headed and he knows where his campsite is
2.) If the knife-carrier managed to convince his partner the necessity of killing their witness,
--> never said they saw him
3.) He looked (frantically) up the hill as he jogged,
4.) "(Th)ose guys?" Cody was still speaking into the (g)rass that cradled his head.
5.) forward to wipe dirt and tears from (C)ody's face.
6.) Cody's right arm had been broken (i)n the fall.
7.) Cody reached for Jack. "Oh, God! Jack!" he cried (frantically),
8.) he gently placed butterfly stitches across
--> strips
Comment Written 17-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2020
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So ? We now know that I cannot evidently spell the word 'frantically' correctly. lol Or, at least, until now. I have got it!
I had him checking the compass because the deep woods look so much the same when you're in them. It's super easy to get turned around. But ? might remove that if it raised some eyebrows.
Thanks, Ribyn, as always, for the stellar review. Wish I could nominate you for the reviewer's award every time you did this for me. *heavy sigh* They say no. :)
Many thanks and blessings,
Deb
Comment from sherrygreywolf
Hey girl - get in there and tidy up these booboos and get me the next chapter. Ok?
" 'THose guys?' Cody was still speaking into the ggrass that cradled his head." - Need to fix the capitalized H in those and the double g's in grass.
"...wipe dirt and tears from cody's face..." The C in Cody needs to be capitalized.
"Cody's right arm had been broken (i)n the fall."
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2020
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Hey girl - get in there and tidy up these booboos and get me the next chapter. Ok?
" 'THose guys?' Cody was still speaking into the ggrass that cradled his head." - Need to fix the capitalized H in those and the double g's in grass.
"...wipe dirt and tears from cody's face..." The C in Cody needs to be capitalized.
"Cody's right arm had been broken (i)n the fall."
Comment Written 17-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2020
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Thanks, sis. Working on that next chapter in about 10 minutes. :)
I'll get the other stuff fixed. Thank you.
Will call tomorrow. Not sure how it got so late so fast.
Deb
Comment from thaities, Rebecca V.
This is a first rate chapter, and you didn't leave me hanging on an impossible cliffhanger. This one is manageable. But, hurry and write what happens next!
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2020
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This is a first rate chapter, and you didn't leave me hanging on an impossible cliffhanger. This one is manageable. But, hurry and write what happens next!
Comment Written 17-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2020
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lol. Almost done, REbecca. Thanks for the encouragement.
Blessings,
Deb
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Ha ha
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
My goodness, that was intense! Poor Cody isn't doing at all well, I just hope Jack can get him away in time, or they'll be in deep trouble. You wrote this as if you knew all about breaks and wounds, which made it so realistic, I was holding my breath as I was reading down. Scared that Cody would die and scared that those men would come back. You have to feel for the old man, I hope he did get away and is safe. This is such a great story, Debora, so well written and so exciting. I owe you a 6! I'll wait for the next part anxiously. Well done, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
2 little nits in this sentence.
"T(H)ose guys?" Cody was still speaking into the (g)grass that cradled his head.
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2020
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My goodness, that was intense! Poor Cody isn't doing at all well, I just hope Jack can get him away in time, or they'll be in deep trouble. You wrote this as if you knew all about breaks and wounds, which made it so realistic, I was holding my breath as I was reading down. Scared that Cody would die and scared that those men would come back. You have to feel for the old man, I hope he did get away and is safe. This is such a great story, Debora, so well written and so exciting. I owe you a 6! I'll wait for the next part anxiously. Well done, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
2 little nits in this sentence.
"T(H)ose guys?" Cody was still speaking into the (g)grass that cradled his head.
Comment Written 17-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2020
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Hey there, Sandra! I'll run fix that sentence -- two in one sentence. A record, even for ME! lol.
Next chapter should be up soon.
Be blessed,
Deb
Comment from Margaret Bednar
I was so happy to see the next chapter - I gobbled it up even with the strange formatting. I can find NO fault, are you kidding! I love the relationship these brothers share and you bring it to life with tenderness and fierceness! I love the banter between and all the attention to the detail of the action. Wish I had another 6 to give!
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2020
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I was so happy to see the next chapter - I gobbled it up even with the strange formatting. I can find NO fault, are you kidding! I love the relationship these brothers share and you bring it to life with tenderness and fierceness! I love the banter between and all the attention to the detail of the action. Wish I had another 6 to give!
Comment Written 17-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2020
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Thank you, sweet Margaret. So kind! I'll get that next chapter up soon, I hope!
Be blessed,
Deb
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Even if this chapter is about survival, you manage to put some funny remarks: "That's what you get for wearing seventy dollar jeans camping, you nitwit. You and your expensive clothes. Anyway, you tore them first."
And about the formatting go to advance , select all, and try to delete the numbers by back spacing them , see if that works.
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2020
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Even if this chapter is about survival, you manage to put some funny remarks: "That's what you get for wearing seventy dollar jeans camping, you nitwit. You and your expensive clothes. Anyway, you tore them first."
And about the formatting go to advance , select all, and try to delete the numbers by back spacing them , see if that works.
Comment Written 17-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2020
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Hi Iza! What in the world are you still doing up?! It's too late for normal folk to be up roaming ? or reading. :)
Thank you for the formatting tip. I'll give it a shot. As for the humor aspect, yeah, I was trying to lighten the mood because I think that's what Jack would do, wihtout even thinking about it. Hope It wasn't toooo long. :)
Blessings, and get some sleep! :)
Deb