Fire Escape Part Two
Arly steps up for Evie13 total reviews
Comment from Jessica Borras
What an interesting second chapter! I'm already fired up and ready to fight for Arly! You had me engrossed the entire time, and I feel invested to know more. If I could offer one suggestion, it would be to watch your pacing. There are just a couple of spots that seem to jump from A to B, and they pulled me away from the story a little. For example, when Kalyna said she was going to run the bath, it felt like hers and Niki's conversation hadn't been interrupted, so I was very surprised that the bath was already full. And when she offed Niki, I enjoyed the twist, but I think you could have dragged it out for another paragraph or two, to offer a little more suspense.
Seriously, though, I'm anxious to read more. Can't wait to find out what happens with Evie!
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2025
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What an interesting second chapter! I'm already fired up and ready to fight for Arly! You had me engrossed the entire time, and I feel invested to know more. If I could offer one suggestion, it would be to watch your pacing. There are just a couple of spots that seem to jump from A to B, and they pulled me away from the story a little. For example, when Kalyna said she was going to run the bath, it felt like hers and Niki's conversation hadn't been interrupted, so I was very surprised that the bath was already full. And when she offed Niki, I enjoyed the twist, but I think you could have dragged it out for another paragraph or two, to offer a little more suspense.
Seriously, though, I'm anxious to read more. Can't wait to find out what happens with Evie!
Comment Written 29-Jan-2025
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2025
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Thank you for the review and the corrections. I don't know enough about Nikita Chernovsky yet, but I will consider what you said about building the suspense.
Comment from pome lover
well, I just got in on this story, which is very good, original, and holds the reader's interest, for sure. I have a feeling, however, that Natalie is bad news. I don't know how much of an old friend she is of Arly's, but still, she sounds dubious to me. I could be wrong. It's been known to happen :)
Katharine
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2025
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well, I just got in on this story, which is very good, original, and holds the reader's interest, for sure. I have a feeling, however, that Natalie is bad news. I don't know how much of an old friend she is of Arly's, but still, she sounds dubious to me. I could be wrong. It's been known to happen :)
Katharine
Comment Written 29-Jan-2025
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2025
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Thank you very much for your review and star rating. Natalie, huh? Very interesting.
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that old Shakespearean expression: "The lady doth protest too much, methinks." :)
Comment from Tim Margetts
I missed out on the 1st installment but picked up the gist quickly from your re-cap.
This is an interesting drama with a story that holds much promise, murder and blackmail running side by side peeks my interest nicely.
I did spot one minor possible error
Would Natalie not use her key before entering?
"Later, as Arly sat in the den putting a nice dent in a bottle of XO, Natalie entered and slid her key into the lock. She did not look happy."
Tim
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2025
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I missed out on the 1st installment but picked up the gist quickly from your re-cap.
This is an interesting drama with a story that holds much promise, murder and blackmail running side by side peeks my interest nicely.
I did spot one minor possible error
Would Natalie not use her key before entering?
"Later, as Arly sat in the den putting a nice dent in a bottle of XO, Natalie entered and slid her key into the lock. She did not look happy."
Tim
Comment Written 29-Jan-2025
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2025
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Thank you for your rating and great review. You are so right, and thanks for catching that.
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You are welcome. I think I need to follow you as I want to see what happens next :-)
Tim
Comment from CrystieCookie999
This has the makings of a page-turner novel. The negligent biological mother, Kalyna, has a pretty name but such a self-serving personality. No motherly instincts with either Evie or the boyfriend-partner, Niki. I suspect she has tried some kind of scam like this before, even if the little girl was her first child and even if the murder was her first felony, since she stopped short of saying more on the phone. I hope Arly's lawyer, Seth, stays on top of this case. Natalie might be a good resource for keeping Evie safe in the near future. She seems to have a flair for home decor and colors so far. Interesting story.
Suggestions:
The shop continued on an upward spiral, and Arly expanded the concept of Swizzle into five beauty salons/ spas, three in Madison and the other two in nearby Culverton. They were the only beauty salon in the area to offer good champagne and decent wine. You could get a full body massage if you called for an appointment.
I would make up a slogan they would use for marketing here. That way it would sound more realistic. And I think instead of saying "You could get" I would change it to: Any customer could get a full body massage by calling for an appointment.
She was walking to the midtown salon when she spotted Natalie sitting in Mickey Dee's, talking with a man and woman. Natalie saw her but shook her head briefly before Arly could acknowledge her, signaling Arly not to come in.
I would change Mickey Dee's to McDonald's. Either that, or just say, "She was walking to the midtown salon when she spotted Natalie sitting near the window of a small restaurant, talking with a man and woman."
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2025
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This has the makings of a page-turner novel. The negligent biological mother, Kalyna, has a pretty name but such a self-serving personality. No motherly instincts with either Evie or the boyfriend-partner, Niki. I suspect she has tried some kind of scam like this before, even if the little girl was her first child and even if the murder was her first felony, since she stopped short of saying more on the phone. I hope Arly's lawyer, Seth, stays on top of this case. Natalie might be a good resource for keeping Evie safe in the near future. She seems to have a flair for home decor and colors so far. Interesting story.
Suggestions:
The shop continued on an upward spiral, and Arly expanded the concept of Swizzle into five beauty salons/ spas, three in Madison and the other two in nearby Culverton. They were the only beauty salon in the area to offer good champagne and decent wine. You could get a full body massage if you called for an appointment.
I would make up a slogan they would use for marketing here. That way it would sound more realistic. And I think instead of saying "You could get" I would change it to: Any customer could get a full body massage by calling for an appointment.
She was walking to the midtown salon when she spotted Natalie sitting in Mickey Dee's, talking with a man and woman. Natalie saw her but shook her head briefly before Arly could acknowledge her, signaling Arly not to come in.
I would change Mickey Dee's to McDonald's. Either that, or just say, "She was walking to the midtown salon when she spotted Natalie sitting near the window of a small restaurant, talking with a man and woman."
Comment Written 28-Jan-2025
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2025
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I might have sent a comment on your review for this story. If not, thank you for all the corrections. I will use them. I also would like to thank you for giving my story a thorough read and critique.
Comment from lancellot
You have good story and it keeps the reader engaged. Cute kid too. A few edits needed.
notes:
They were the only beauty salon[s] in the area
-add
"You should be glad I'm here." Niki retorted.
-"You should be glad I'm here," Niki retorted.
"Not plan!" He said, bringing his hand down
-"Not plan!" he said, bringing his hand down
"You always are." He said, still scratching. Kalyna changed the subject.
"Your bath is ready; I put in the bath salts you like so much."
-"You always are," he said, still scratching.
Kalyna changed the subject, "Your bath is ready; I put in the bath salts you like so much."
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2025
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You have good story and it keeps the reader engaged. Cute kid too. A few edits needed.
notes:
They were the only beauty salon[s] in the area
-add
"You should be glad I'm here." Niki retorted.
-"You should be glad I'm here," Niki retorted.
"Not plan!" He said, bringing his hand down
-"Not plan!" he said, bringing his hand down
"You always are." He said, still scratching. Kalyna changed the subject.
"Your bath is ready; I put in the bath salts you like so much."
-"You always are," he said, still scratching.
Kalyna changed the subject, "Your bath is ready; I put in the bath salts you like so much."
Comment Written 28-Jan-2025
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2025
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Thank you, lancellot, as always, for your excellent and thorough review and the star rating. I'm glad you think the story is engaging. I have corrected a few of my errors.
Comment from royowen
There are some pretty scungious people around, I think child neglect and abuse, is the lowest of all crimes, it ruins the children who are subject to that condition. I think you have created a marvellous plot, and immediately it stirs the parental in us, beautifully written, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2025
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There are some pretty scungious people around, I think child neglect and abuse, is the lowest of all crimes, it ruins the children who are subject to that condition. I think you have created a marvellous plot, and immediately it stirs the parental in us, beautifully written, blessings Roy
Comment Written 28-Jan-2025
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2025
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Thank you so much for your rating and review. I am so glad you enjoyed this piece.
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
You had me hooked from the start! Your characters are so real. Especially Kalyna who seems to be on a wild ride with her own dark plans. I loved how you built up the tension! Especailly between Kalyna and Niki - intense. And that "accident" was chilling. I also loved the dialogue between Arly and Natalie . This is a thrilling part of your story. Can't wait to see where this goes next!
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2025
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You had me hooked from the start! Your characters are so real. Especially Kalyna who seems to be on a wild ride with her own dark plans. I loved how you built up the tension! Especailly between Kalyna and Niki - intense. And that "accident" was chilling. I also loved the dialogue between Arly and Natalie . This is a thrilling part of your story. Can't wait to see where this goes next!
Comment Written 28-Jan-2025
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2025
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Thank you so much for the great review and the stars. I am also pleased you enjoyed my story. There is more to come. My favorite character was Natalie. We'll see where that goes between Arly and Nat.
Comment from Alexandra Trovato
This story is well written, straight forward, and awesome. Although there was adversity it is being addressed. Deep breaths, stick together. That's when you find put who is true in your life I think.
Best wishes ,
Alex
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2025
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This story is well written, straight forward, and awesome. Although there was adversity it is being addressed. Deep breaths, stick together. That's when you find put who is true in your life I think.
Best wishes ,
Alex
Comment Written 27-Jan-2025
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2025
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Thank you for your review and star rating. A lot is going on with Ms. Touros and Arly, and maybe even a knockdown, drag-out fight between Ms. Touros and Natalie. Natalie is a real thug.
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Oh. I see. You're welcome.
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Good progress. Nicely written.
It might have been good for Ms Touros to have said something incriminating while the lawyer was on the line.
Good luck with the story.
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2025
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Good progress. Nicely written.
It might have been good for Ms Touros to have said something incriminating while the lawyer was on the line.
Good luck with the story.
Comment Written 27-Jan-2025
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2025
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She does say some stuff to Arly on the phone, but not when Seth is on the line. She stops herself before she can incriminate herself. Natalie is ride or die. If I were Arly, I think I might turn to Natalie and hear her out.
Thank you for the input on the storyline, I appreciate it.
Sandollar
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Very interesting story, have you thought to put it in a book? I hope Evie remains with the people that loves her, and that pseudo-mother receives what she deserves. Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings.
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2025
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Very interesting story, have you thought to put it in a book? I hope Evie remains with the people that loves her, and that pseudo-mother receives what she deserves. Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings.
Comment Written 26-Jan-2025
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2025
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Thanks so much for the great review and stars. I have been thinking about the book idea. We'll see what happens with the rest of it b/c I am not finished yet.
