The Playground
...children's script about blooming love43 total reviews
Comment from damommy
This is your first one? Wow! It's very good. It sounds just like two eight-year-olds talking.
Girls learn at an early age about telling their age, don't they? I've never minded tell mine. 8-)
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2017
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This is your first one? Wow! It's very good. It sounds just like two eight-year-olds talking.
Girls learn at an early age about telling their age, don't they? I've never minded tell mine. 8-)
Comment Written 19-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2017
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**please excuse the cut and paste reply; due to my absence for a few days, I had a ton of reviews - trust me, I read each and every one**
thank you so much for your time to read and review,
~patty~
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I know you do. It's okay. 8-)
Comment from JDRBAR
This is cute, but I think it needs a little more drama. "Beyond her years" could be expanded a little to show her precociousness. Perhaps quoting her mother more while still working on the cast le.
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2017
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This is cute, but I think it needs a little more drama. "Beyond her years" could be expanded a little to show her precociousness. Perhaps quoting her mother more while still working on the cast le.
Comment Written 19-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2017
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**please excuse the cut and paste reply; due to my absence for a few days, I had a ton of reviews - trust me, I read each and every one**
thank you so much for your time to read and review,
~patty~
Comment from Natali Holden
I really like your script, Patty. And this is your first one too, right? It feels real, especially with the misspellings so I can hear it pronounced the way you intended. The ending is great. I feel as if I am 'watching the script'. Good luck in the contest!
Natali ;)
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2017
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I really like your script, Patty. And this is your first one too, right? It feels real, especially with the misspellings so I can hear it pronounced the way you intended. The ending is great. I feel as if I am 'watching the script'. Good luck in the contest!
Natali ;)
Comment Written 19-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2017
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**please excuse the cut and paste reply; due to my absence for a few days, I had a ton of reviews - trust me, I read each and every one**
thank you so much for your time to read and review,
~patty~
Yup, really my first one!! I am so happy it won - thank you for sponsoring the contest
Comment from Pearl Edwards
I think this is quite a believable script Patty and it was easy to visualize so you certainly have got the 'watching' it right. Very cute ending and good luck in the contest.
cheers.
valda
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2017
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I think this is quite a believable script Patty and it was easy to visualize so you certainly have got the 'watching' it right. Very cute ending and good luck in the contest.
cheers.
valda
Comment Written 19-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2017
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**please excuse the cut and paste reply; due to my absence for a few days, I had a ton of reviews - trust me, I read each and every one**
thank you so much for your time to read and review,
~patty~
Comment from Teri7
This is just too cute what you have penned. I did feel as if I was sitting right there at the playground watching them play in the sand. You used very cute realistic dialogue and very good imagery with the words and art work. Best wishes in the contest. Had no tips to offer as I didn't see anything wrong! Best wishes in the contest. Teri
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2017
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This is just too cute what you have penned. I did feel as if I was sitting right there at the playground watching them play in the sand. You used very cute realistic dialogue and very good imagery with the words and art work. Best wishes in the contest. Had no tips to offer as I didn't see anything wrong! Best wishes in the contest. Teri
Comment Written 18-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2017
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**please excuse the cut and paste reply; due to my absence for a few days, I had a ton of reviews - trust me, I read each and every one**
thank you so much for your time to read and review,
~patty~
Comment from gene roush
This is cute. It's has a nice hook, and concludes with another.
"Kneeling up on his knees," This feels a bit redundant.
It seems to me that either this pair is incredibly bright, or the dialogue needs a little attention.
I guess I'll just have to read on to find out. If I'm wrong, you can add a star.
Thanks for sharing
Gene
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2017
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This is cute. It's has a nice hook, and concludes with another.
"Kneeling up on his knees," This feels a bit redundant.
It seems to me that either this pair is incredibly bright, or the dialogue needs a little attention.
I guess I'll just have to read on to find out. If I'm wrong, you can add a star.
Thanks for sharing
Gene
Comment Written 18-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2017
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**please excuse the cut and paste reply; due to my absence for a few days, I had a ton of reviews - trust me, I read each and every one**
thank you so much for your time to read and review,
~patty~
Comment from MJ McIntire
First time on a script and I think you did a good job.
The conversation seemed just as an 8 year old would talk.
The "Duh" whatcha think I'm doing was a perfect response to a answering the little girl and the wiping of his hands on his pants-perfect little boy gesture.
Loved the "wanna be my girlfriend"
MJ
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2017
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First time on a script and I think you did a good job.
The conversation seemed just as an 8 year old would talk.
The "Duh" whatcha think I'm doing was a perfect response to a answering the little girl and the wiping of his hands on his pants-perfect little boy gesture.
Loved the "wanna be my girlfriend"
MJ
Comment Written 18-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2017
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**please excuse the cut and paste reply; due to my absence for a few days, I had a ton of reviews - trust me, I read each and every one**
thank you so much for your time to read and review,
~patty~
Comment from bookishfabler
Since being on Fanstory it has taken me a long time to read scripts. FOr years I only read one, which was turned into a script from a children's book I had already read. Then this past year I started reading them. It is different, but also I find enjoyable if written well. Not with all the direction, like enter stage left kinda thing. Nice job.
Description is great
hugs Heidi
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2017
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Since being on Fanstory it has taken me a long time to read scripts. FOr years I only read one, which was turned into a script from a children's book I had already read. Then this past year I started reading them. It is different, but also I find enjoyable if written well. Not with all the direction, like enter stage left kinda thing. Nice job.
Description is great
hugs Heidi
Comment Written 18-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2017
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**please excuse the cut and paste reply; due to my absence for a few days, I had a ton of reviews - trust me, I read each and every one**
thank you so much for your time to read and review,
~patty~
Comment from frierajac
This is a charming and quite believable story. I enjoyed reading it and I want to know what's going to happen next. I just want to
have these two hug and hold hands or something.
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2017
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This is a charming and quite believable story. I enjoyed reading it and I want to know what's going to happen next. I just want to
have these two hug and hold hands or something.
Comment Written 18-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2017
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**please excuse the cut and paste reply; due to my absence for a few days, I had a ton of reviews - trust me, I read each and every one**
thank you so much for your time to read and review,
~patty~
Comment from Marvin Calloway
I'm thinking of kids not having much to say. They're shy, bashful.
Do you really want her starting off with a dumb question? Unless that question has a payoff near the end.
On the other hand, do you really want him to make her pay the price for the dumb question? These things will affect their relationship.
Later, they'll both be kicking themselves for their initial remarks.
He says:
"I guess so. Hey, what's your name?" In my world, that's too much. If he was shy at the start, he certainly got over it quickly.
After he says, "I guess so," she says something. Then he says your words.
I'm not sure how much you want from me.
The kids sound like two gum-chewing teenagers from Brooklyn. Not that that's a bad thing.
Good luck.
Marv
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2017
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I'm thinking of kids not having much to say. They're shy, bashful.
Do you really want her starting off with a dumb question? Unless that question has a payoff near the end.
On the other hand, do you really want him to make her pay the price for the dumb question? These things will affect their relationship.
Later, they'll both be kicking themselves for their initial remarks.
He says:
"I guess so. Hey, what's your name?" In my world, that's too much. If he was shy at the start, he certainly got over it quickly.
After he says, "I guess so," she says something. Then he says your words.
I'm not sure how much you want from me.
The kids sound like two gum-chewing teenagers from Brooklyn. Not that that's a bad thing.
Good luck.
Marv
Comment Written 17-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2017
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thank you for the review. I do not agree with you, as this was a conversation I recently listened to that occurred behind my house. The kids I see in my neighborhood aren't shy at eight years old. There is one little guy who comes up to me every day as I walk the dogs. He's a little chatterbox, and I'm impressed with the things he wants to talk about.
By using dialect, I created the immaturity in language--which by the way, my little buddy doesn't use, and I put a great deal of work into the structure of the script.
Teenagers can rarely speak more than three words in a row without a swear word.
~patty~
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Sorry. I thought the kids were much younger. Some of my remarks may still be valid.
Good luck.
