Shore leave
A hallowed eve of tropic joy65 total reviews
Comment from CEO2020
This is a very well written poem. I love each sonnet. I would say my favorite among the equals is the following -
"and here the urchin children play,
whose searching eyes
alight today
upon an amputated doll,
a broken, pink-cheeked, plastic moll
with innocence surprised,
and arms outstretched
to flail the heavy-scented air
that's lifting up my moonlit prayer
to God alone knows where"
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2016
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This is a very well written poem. I love each sonnet. I would say my favorite among the equals is the following -
"and here the urchin children play,
whose searching eyes
alight today
upon an amputated doll,
a broken, pink-cheeked, plastic moll
with innocence surprised,
and arms outstretched
to flail the heavy-scented air
that's lifting up my moonlit prayer
to God alone knows where"
Comment Written 19-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2016
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Very many thanks for taking the time to review my work. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Comment from kiwisteveh
So which tropical 'paradise' is this? Shanghai? Singapore? Rangoon? No matter really. Your free verse poem does a great job of depicting the rotting lushness of this sailor's port of call.
I love mangosteens, the queen of fruits, almost impossible to get here, but you give it a dubious honour as it stains and micks the bridal gown. It is all too easy to compose a story to match your depiction, and your final lines hint strongly at the corruption and absence of hope in such derelict surroundings.
I am glad I had a six left for this evocative piece.
Steve
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2016
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So which tropical 'paradise' is this? Shanghai? Singapore? Rangoon? No matter really. Your free verse poem does a great job of depicting the rotting lushness of this sailor's port of call.
I love mangosteens, the queen of fruits, almost impossible to get here, but you give it a dubious honour as it stains and micks the bridal gown. It is all too easy to compose a story to match your depiction, and your final lines hint strongly at the corruption and absence of hope in such derelict surroundings.
I am glad I had a six left for this evocative piece.
Steve
Comment Written 18-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2016
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Thanks, Steve. I appreciate the sixer. I had in mind the Singapore river, as it was in the 1950s, when I was there as a child. All tarted up now, thanks to Lee Kwan Yew. The photo is of a boat village in Hong Kong, about the same vintage, I think.
I rather maligned the mangosteen in this. I've always thought it the best of all the tropical fruits. I have occasionally seen them in the Adelaide Central Market - at a price!
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You could have used the durian, with no chance of maligning anything. We lived in Singapore from 1986 to 1993 I believe it's even more tarted up now!
Comment from victor 66
When I was in the Marine Corps during Vietnam, I spent some time in DaNang, and then had R and Rs in Malaysia, Australia and Hawaii. I never called it "Shore Leave" because I was never on a boat. But I saw far away places and came to the conclusion that people, rich or poor, do the best they can. And the children for the most part, didn't know they were poor because all the other children were poor too, I enjoyed your sophisticated poem and I wish you well.
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2016
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When I was in the Marine Corps during Vietnam, I spent some time in DaNang, and then had R and Rs in Malaysia, Australia and Hawaii. I never called it "Shore Leave" because I was never on a boat. But I saw far away places and came to the conclusion that people, rich or poor, do the best they can. And the children for the most part, didn't know they were poor because all the other children were poor too, I enjoyed your sophisticated poem and I wish you well.
Comment Written 18-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2016
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Very many thanks for taking the time to review my work, Victor. I was interested in your comments. Best wishes, Tony
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You are most welcome, Tony.
Comment from chiversmisha
This poem is well structured and composed. The Sadness in the words are at moments difficult to digest, however are true and necessary in each stance. The imagery was well done.
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2016
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This poem is well structured and composed. The Sadness in the words are at moments difficult to digest, however are true and necessary in each stance. The imagery was well done.
Comment Written 18-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2016
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Thank you very much for this kind review, Misha. Much appreciated! Best wishes, Tony
Comment from Pam (respa)
-The image is appropriate for the theme of your poem.
-Overall, it shows many blessings we should have for not living in a world like this, although from a few responses to reviews, I saw that you had experienced life like this. I wonder if it eventually fades from your mind or not.
-The poem is written very well and the imagery conveys the scenes in the streets and on these boats--it seems to be a world of squalor, but I guess that is what they have, and I am assuming they are thankful to even have that:
-Whether it be the mangosteen, "juices dripping, putrid brown" or the broken doll the children are left to play with amid these dirty streets and overall poverty, these people have so little but probably don't know any different.
-Your poem paints this grim picture of these people and the prayers they have, but where they go only "God alone knows where."
-Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2016
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-The image is appropriate for the theme of your poem.
-Overall, it shows many blessings we should have for not living in a world like this, although from a few responses to reviews, I saw that you had experienced life like this. I wonder if it eventually fades from your mind or not.
-The poem is written very well and the imagery conveys the scenes in the streets and on these boats--it seems to be a world of squalor, but I guess that is what they have, and I am assuming they are thankful to even have that:
-Whether it be the mangosteen, "juices dripping, putrid brown" or the broken doll the children are left to play with amid these dirty streets and overall poverty, these people have so little but probably don't know any different.
-Your poem paints this grim picture of these people and the prayers they have, but where they go only "God alone knows where."
-Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 18-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2016
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Very many thanks for your comments and for the six stars, Pam. I appreciate both. Yes, I spent quite a bit of time in Singapore both as a child and as a young adult. It is much changed now. The Far East is full of contrasts, vibrancy and poverty. It assails the senses!
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You are very welcome and deserving of the stars and comments, Tony. I thought it was Hong Kong. I can't imagine experiencing this scene, esp. as a young child. Thanks for sharing in your reply.
Comment from rspoet
Exotic squalid
one of those places where you'd best not look too close
or taste too much or even taste at all
Beautifully descriptive,
the mysterious shanghai - hong kong
of another time
a place I've never seen exception in pictures
Time to exhale
Apt color for the background, perfect picture
Well done, my friend
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2016
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Exotic squalid
one of those places where you'd best not look too close
or taste too much or even taste at all
Beautifully descriptive,
the mysterious shanghai - hong kong
of another time
a place I've never seen exception in pictures
Time to exhale
Apt color for the background, perfect picture
Well done, my friend
Comment Written 18-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2016
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Very many thanks, RS, for your six-star award and review. There are certainly times to exhale! The Far East can be fairly pungent at times! I malign the mangosteen a bit in this poem, for it really is the queen of all tropical fruits though with a very short season. It tastes delicious, but leaves a pernicious stain. I couldn't resist the metaphor!
Comment from Oatmeal
tfawcus,
This is a beautiful poem. I liked it very much. It made for an enjoyable read. The flow was smooth. The theme well thought out. Very reflective, all thoughts are very well described, understandable and comprehensible.
There was nothing wrong that I could tell.
I look forward to seeing you again.
Love you,
Oatmeal
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2016
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tfawcus,
This is a beautiful poem. I liked it very much. It made for an enjoyable read. The flow was smooth. The theme well thought out. Very reflective, all thoughts are very well described, understandable and comprehensible.
There was nothing wrong that I could tell.
I look forward to seeing you again.
Love you,
Oatmeal
Comment Written 18-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2016
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Thank you very much for this very kind review, Oatmeal. Much appreciated! Best wishes, Tony
Comment from sandy montgomery
Very well crafted. Imagery that is both unique and transportive. A masterpiece woven from metaphor and adjective. Beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2016
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Very well crafted. Imagery that is both unique and transportive. A masterpiece woven from metaphor and adjective. Beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 18-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2016
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Thank you very much for this very kind review, Sandy. Much appreciated! Best wishes, Tony
p.s. Delighted to have you on my list of fsns. I have reciprocated.
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
Tony,
I enjoyed your well-written poem. There is great imagery--especially for those that have not been to the place described. The picture looks like one from the 1950s [why I say that since I've never been there???].
Your words tell of a contrast with what I believe would be a modern view with a simple one almost lost to progress. Yet, the people seem to be happy with what they have. It is the men from the ship that seem to be lost in 'time'.
Good job & thanks for sharing. Jan
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2016
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Tony,
I enjoyed your well-written poem. There is great imagery--especially for those that have not been to the place described. The picture looks like one from the 1950s [why I say that since I've never been there???].
Your words tell of a contrast with what I believe would be a modern view with a simple one almost lost to progress. Yet, the people seem to be happy with what they have. It is the men from the ship that seem to be lost in 'time'.
Good job & thanks for sharing. Jan
Comment Written 18-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2016
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Thank you very much for this very kind review, Jan. Much appreciated! You are right about the picture. It was taken in Hong Kong at around about that time. I spent several years in Singapore both as a child and as a young adult and used to visit Hong Kong quite often when I was in the RAF. Best wishes, Tony
Comment from mike1817
It's not just that the rhyming is creative and the picture created is exotic but finely crafted. The mood is exotic and the ending brings us the human conundrum of this shore leave. Thanks for the journey. Mike1817
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2016
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It's not just that the rhyming is creative and the picture created is exotic but finely crafted. The mood is exotic and the ending brings us the human conundrum of this shore leave. Thanks for the journey. Mike1817
Comment Written 18-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2016
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Thank you very much for this very kind review, Mike, and for the six stars. Much appreciated! Best wishes, Tony