Dr. Howler's Nightmares
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "Mummified Mommy"A collection of most unusual bedtime stories
15 total reviews
Comment from barkingdog
His dream reached out and got him. What a nightmare. lol
Poor fellow, didn't get to enjoy the beach on his birth oops deathday.
Nits:
- No one ever came to the shack(,) so it did not matter how Johnny was dressed.
-Being Summer(,) most of the time Mommy let him run around
-Mommy was dressed was funny(,) but he never laughed at her about that
- trouble for the boy(,) but Johnny didn't care. If Mommy wanted him(,) she would have to come get him.
-"If I have to come get you(,) Young Man(,) you are going to wish I
hadn't!"
-Mommy really mad (,)and she would come storming down the stairs(,) leading away from the shack(,) after him.
- Mommy and himself(,) and the last place Johnny wanted to be
- boy hoped it would(,) and Mommy was caught
With Mommy no longer a threat(,) Johnny made his way over to
Get back to me when you correct your errors, and I'll rate it to a five.
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
  |
His dream reached out and got him. What a nightmare. lol
Poor fellow, didn't get to enjoy the beach on his birth oops deathday.
Nits:
- No one ever came to the shack(,) so it did not matter how Johnny was dressed.
-Being Summer(,) most of the time Mommy let him run around
-Mommy was dressed was funny(,) but he never laughed at her about that
- trouble for the boy(,) but Johnny didn't care. If Mommy wanted him(,) she would have to come get him.
-"If I have to come get you(,) Young Man(,) you are going to wish I
hadn't!"
-Mommy really mad (,)and she would come storming down the stairs(,) leading away from the shack(,) after him.
- Mommy and himself(,) and the last place Johnny wanted to be
- boy hoped it would(,) and Mommy was caught
With Mommy no longer a threat(,) Johnny made his way over to
Get back to me when you correct your errors, and I'll rate it to a five.
Comment Written 26-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
-
Noted and edited. Appreciate your comments and support.
Comment from Jacob Collins
A good chapter Brett, which I enjoyed reading. I thought that your writing was well written and flowed well. I couldn't find any faults. Thanks for sharing...Jacob
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
|
A good chapter Brett, which I enjoyed reading. I thought that your writing was well written and flowed well. I couldn't find any faults. Thanks for sharing...Jacob
Comment Written 26-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
-
Thank you for your comments and support. Appreciate them very much indeed.
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
A very good story, Brett, but arguably only a bedtime story if it appeared at a slumber party where kids are trying to scare the crap out of each other. It is well written and has a wonderful surprise at the ending, just as kids at a slumber party would love. Poor Jonathan!
Rhonda
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2015
|
A very good story, Brett, but arguably only a bedtime story if it appeared at a slumber party where kids are trying to scare the crap out of each other. It is well written and has a wonderful surprise at the ending, just as kids at a slumber party would love. Poor Jonathan!
Rhonda
Comment Written 19-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2015
-
Turn the lights down low, gather in a circle, and scare the fire out of each other. What fun times those were. Appreciate your comments and support. Will tell the good Doctor Howler you disagree with his assessment.
-
I didn't disagree, I qualified! Under the right circumstances, the scary stories are a hoot!
Comment from prettybluebirds
Wow what a horrible story. That thing would give me nightmares and I am far from being a child. I don't think any parent would want to read this to her child at night unless she wanted to sit up with them all night when they couldn't sleep. Still it is a very good story for a horror story. Well written and keeps you riveted to the plot. Something you will not forget right away. Good work.
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2015
|
Wow what a horrible story. That thing would give me nightmares and I am far from being a child. I don't think any parent would want to read this to her child at night unless she wanted to sit up with them all night when they couldn't sleep. Still it is a very good story for a horror story. Well written and keeps you riveted to the plot. Something you will not forget right away. Good work.
Comment Written 19-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2015
-
Thanks for your comments and support. Appreciate them very much indeed. So, you would disagree with the good Doctor's remark about this one being suitable for children of all ages as a Bedtime Story I take it.
-
Yep, I disagree.
Comment from mvbrooks
Great opening sentence. The narration has a friendly tone and the "mystery" draws in your reader.
Editing notes:
In the sentence:
"And, after the ordeal he had just suffered through the part of him that was still alive swore he would never let the cat out of the bag. "
Need to add a comma after ...just suffered through,
"after the ordeal he had just suffered" is a nonessential clause.
-------------
This sentence seems to be missing a couple of words:
original: "He didn't know if it was the two fingers had been broken by the pliers, or what exactly made him know better than spill the beans. "
Revised: He didn't know if it was the two fingers THAT/WHICH had been broken by the pliers, or what exactly made him know better than TO spill the beans.
"It seemed like every time Mommy talked to him it always ended up with the boy being hurt. "
Need a comma after "him" to separate the introductory clause from the full sentence.
Some times he could even smell the smoldering flesh, and the hot flame pressed against his skin
"Some times he could..." "sometimes" is one word.
Omit the comma after "and"--using a comma here with the conjunction "and" signals that you are connecting two complete sentences. In this case, the second part of the sentence is missing a subject, so it is not a full sentence.
Need to add the word "felt" before "the hot flame" to make the sentence parallel/balanced. Parallel means in lists of two or more items, the first word in each set needs to be the same part of speech and when using verbs, it needs to be the same verb tense.
--smell the smoldering flesh (verb)
--the hot flame (adjective)
To correct this, add a verb--"felt the hot flame.
------
Watch verb use. In the sentence "..." Other times it was the exposed end of a wire that seared the boy."
--Need to add a verb after "Other times, it was
The best way to proofread verbs is by reading the piece aloud. Where you would naturally pause, you need a comma so the reader will also pause. Misplaced commas disrupt a story's flow; missing commas make the reader breathless as readers only pause when the narration pauses.
----
In the sentence "Slowly his Mommy crept closer to the boy."
"slowly" and "crept" are redundant (you can't creep quickly), consider omitting one of them.
Omit the final word "done" from this sentence:
"Johnny heard his Mommy calling him up to the house, but this time, he did not go running to her like he knew he should have done."
------
In the sentence ""Man, what a nightmare!" he thought to himself as he rolled over on to his back from the position he had been laying in"
You can remove "from the position he had been laying in"--it's redundant because where else would he have "rolled over" from.
----
I would NOT recommend this story for "any age"--children under 9 will find it disturbing that a mother would hurt her own child. If would be even more disturbing for them to hear these details just before going to sleep.
The Goosebumps series is recommend for ages 9 to 12 and I believe your story fits that same age group.
Good luck with your book. Your writing style is fluid. However, the grammar errors interrupt the story's flow.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2015
 |
Great opening sentence. The narration has a friendly tone and the "mystery" draws in your reader.
Editing notes:
In the sentence:
"And, after the ordeal he had just suffered through the part of him that was still alive swore he would never let the cat out of the bag. "
Need to add a comma after ...just suffered through,
"after the ordeal he had just suffered" is a nonessential clause.
-------------
This sentence seems to be missing a couple of words:
original: "He didn't know if it was the two fingers had been broken by the pliers, or what exactly made him know better than spill the beans. "
Revised: He didn't know if it was the two fingers THAT/WHICH had been broken by the pliers, or what exactly made him know better than TO spill the beans.
"It seemed like every time Mommy talked to him it always ended up with the boy being hurt. "
Need a comma after "him" to separate the introductory clause from the full sentence.
Some times he could even smell the smoldering flesh, and the hot flame pressed against his skin
"Some times he could..." "sometimes" is one word.
Omit the comma after "and"--using a comma here with the conjunction "and" signals that you are connecting two complete sentences. In this case, the second part of the sentence is missing a subject, so it is not a full sentence.
Need to add the word "felt" before "the hot flame" to make the sentence parallel/balanced. Parallel means in lists of two or more items, the first word in each set needs to be the same part of speech and when using verbs, it needs to be the same verb tense.
--smell the smoldering flesh (verb)
--the hot flame (adjective)
To correct this, add a verb--"felt the hot flame.
------
Watch verb use. In the sentence "..." Other times it was the exposed end of a wire that seared the boy."
--Need to add a verb after "Other times, it was
The best way to proofread verbs is by reading the piece aloud. Where you would naturally pause, you need a comma so the reader will also pause. Misplaced commas disrupt a story's flow; missing commas make the reader breathless as readers only pause when the narration pauses.
----
In the sentence "Slowly his Mommy crept closer to the boy."
"slowly" and "crept" are redundant (you can't creep quickly), consider omitting one of them.
Omit the final word "done" from this sentence:
"Johnny heard his Mommy calling him up to the house, but this time, he did not go running to her like he knew he should have done."
------
In the sentence ""Man, what a nightmare!" he thought to himself as he rolled over on to his back from the position he had been laying in"
You can remove "from the position he had been laying in"--it's redundant because where else would he have "rolled over" from.
----
I would NOT recommend this story for "any age"--children under 9 will find it disturbing that a mother would hurt her own child. If would be even more disturbing for them to hear these details just before going to sleep.
The Goosebumps series is recommend for ages 9 to 12 and I believe your story fits that same age group.
Good luck with your book. Your writing style is fluid. However, the grammar errors interrupt the story's flow.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 13-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2015
-
Comments noted.
Comment from Gunner Lil
A great story that in today's world is very believable.
You did show rather then tell with the pictures you drew.
The pace of the story was excellent and had the reader
wanting more.
Loved the ending. Thank you.
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2015
|
A great story that in today's world is very believable.
You did show rather then tell with the pictures you drew.
The pace of the story was excellent and had the reader
wanting more.
Loved the ending. Thank you.
Comment Written 13-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2015
-
Glad you enjoyed the story. Your comments and support much appreciated.
Comment from Walu Feral
G'day Brett. Great work once again mate, I love that twist within a twist. What a nightmare he had, wow, scary stuff and then to have a waking one as well crikey! Top read Sir...
A couple of suggestions but it could be just me as well...see what you think...
"He didn't know if it was the two fingers he had had broken by the pliers" (the "had had" threw me a bit, perhaps try...that had been broken by the pliers)"
" It was then he realized he had had an awful dream.(maybe try...he'd had...)"
Cheers Fez
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2015
|
G'day Brett. Great work once again mate, I love that twist within a twist. What a nightmare he had, wow, scary stuff and then to have a waking one as well crikey! Top read Sir...
A couple of suggestions but it could be just me as well...see what you think...
"He didn't know if it was the two fingers he had had broken by the pliers" (the "had had" threw me a bit, perhaps try...that had been broken by the pliers)"
" It was then he realized he had had an awful dream.(maybe try...he'd had...)"
Cheers Fez
Comment Written 05-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2015
-
Thanks for the suggestions. Will try the changes. Always appreciate your comments and support.
Comment from Chrissy710
Oh Brett you have a vivid imagination, what a horrible nightmare or was it ? Good writing and I don't think I will read this to my grandkids ha ha. A good twist at the end. But I' not surprised lol well done Cheers Christine ð???
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2015
|
Oh Brett you have a vivid imagination, what a horrible nightmare or was it ? Good writing and I don't think I will read this to my grandkids ha ha. A good twist at the end. But I' not surprised lol well done Cheers Christine ð???
Comment Written 05-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2015
-
As always thanks for your support and comments. Really do appreciate them very much indeed. A good bedtime story should always be read to the kids and grandkids.
Comment from lakeport
Mummified Mommy, indeed that's a horror and suspenseful story. I enjoyed reading the story. God bless you. Lakeport......
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2015
|
Mummified Mommy, indeed that's a horror and suspenseful story. I enjoyed reading the story. God bless you. Lakeport......
Comment Written 05-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2015
-
Thanks for your comments and support. Appreciate them very much indeed.
-
you are very welcome.lakeport,
Comment from Bill Schott
Super story. Lots of the backstory is suggested through short blurbs from the narrator and dialog. The question I was left with was, Why the rags? Just part of the dream?
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2015
|
Super story. Lots of the backstory is suggested through short blurbs from the narrator and dialog. The question I was left with was, Why the rags? Just part of the dream?
Comment Written 05-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 05-Jul-2015
-
The rags were supposed to indicate the linens the mummy is wrapped in. Appreciate your comments and support as always.