Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 68 "Wotawe Moon, Part One"Murder Mystery
39 total reviews
Comment from Roxanna Andrews
Great as always. I'm sure a book like this takes a lot out of you. Super Pig doesn't do that to me. =} Though sometimes it is a strain trying to keep her from being discovered by the other animals. =}
I'll be sad to see the book end, I always want to know how it ends but don't want to stop reading. I've been reading tons lately, something I haven't done in a while, but I have rediscovered an author I really like and have been reading a series by her, Angela Hunt a series about the first American settlers called The Keepers of the Ring. So good, learning a lot too.
I need to start writing again, I haven't really been inspired much lately, need to put more effort into it.
I agree that I like FS much better than CW. A lot more diversity here, not so much horror and vampire stuff. I'm very tired of vampires. =}
I look forward to your next project. Hope you are having a good summer, I leave in few weeks for CA to my nieces wedding. I can't believe she is getting married. She was just a little girl saying such funny thing a little while ago.
You take care and I'll see you around FS. =} Love, Rox
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2014
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Great as always. I'm sure a book like this takes a lot out of you. Super Pig doesn't do that to me. =} Though sometimes it is a strain trying to keep her from being discovered by the other animals. =}
I'll be sad to see the book end, I always want to know how it ends but don't want to stop reading. I've been reading tons lately, something I haven't done in a while, but I have rediscovered an author I really like and have been reading a series by her, Angela Hunt a series about the first American settlers called The Keepers of the Ring. So good, learning a lot too.
I need to start writing again, I haven't really been inspired much lately, need to put more effort into it.
I agree that I like FS much better than CW. A lot more diversity here, not so much horror and vampire stuff. I'm very tired of vampires. =}
I look forward to your next project. Hope you are having a good summer, I leave in few weeks for CA to my nieces wedding. I can't believe she is getting married. She was just a little girl saying such funny thing a little while ago.
You take care and I'll see you around FS. =} Love, Rox
Comment Written 15-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2014
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Dear Rox, thank you so very much for this truly wonderful review! I so appreciate how much support and encouragement you've given me throughout this project. I'd love to see you post again on FanStory. I miss your unique and talented voice!
Love, Bev
Comment from DALLAS01
Excellent tension throughout the entire chapter. Attention as always, to even the smallest details. the reader is hit with a barrage of hair raising images. Hoping Father Brian is not dead.
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2014
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Excellent tension throughout the entire chapter. Attention as always, to even the smallest details. the reader is hit with a barrage of hair raising images. Hoping Father Brian is not dead.
Comment Written 08-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2014
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Hi, Dallas. I'm sorry you got peanuts for this grand review! I appreciate your generosity and encouragement. Father Brian will come back a changed man... I need to keep my protagonist alive in case I decide to do another novel. In fact, I already have an angle for a new one. But first, I'm going to finish this soon and do something a little lighter for a change.
Have a great weekend, Dallas.
:) Bev
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That's a relief. :.)
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Thanx, Dallas :)
Comment from Gargantuan2
I can't say I dislike the chapter. Interesting development seems a bit final. Did I come in at the end of this one, then? I certainly wouldn't mind seeing more.
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2014
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I can't say I dislike the chapter. Interesting development seems a bit final. Did I come in at the end of this one, then? I certainly wouldn't mind seeing more.
Comment Written 06-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2014
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Thank you!
Comment from rama devi
Hi dear friend. Felt like dropping by to review this even though I am unaware of all the interim events between the opening chapters we've worked on and this one.
Wow, what a potent dramatic scene near in the end. Intense and riveting. Well portrayed and nicely 'counterpointed' with the tender scene at the closing with his mom.
This chapter draws the reader in. Great POV with internal dialog too; good narrative and dialog. Good pacing. I'll just make a few spag suggestions and the rest (character and plot development, etc.) will come when we reach this in succession after previous chapters
*
He'd watched(,) with mounting anxiety(,) as Rick Morales,
*side-stepping hacked-out boulders and loose granite which(THAT) threatened to twist an ankle or break a leg.
*The woman(,) who'd been tossed aside like a bag of trash(,) made no sound or movement.
* He surmised she was drugged,(no ,) and, on top of the shock from her terrible wounds, he(delete HE) feared there was only a slim window of opportunity to save her life.
*I'm sure she's dehydrated, but pouring water down her throat is too dangerous.
use contraction here: throat's
*Try not to repeat Brian's name so often. I suggest to use pronouns here:
Brian's throat tightened at Danika's weak groan in response to his simple act.
A consuming cold moved through Brian. He glanced sideways. On Rick's chest sat a painted dog. Brian knew it was the demon's temporal facade.
His throat tightened at Danika's weak groan in response to his simple act.
A consuming cold moved through him. He glanced sideways. On Rick's chest sat a painted dog. He knew it was the demon's temporal facade.
*praised him with your tongue(,) while hating him for abandoning your
*Throw your terror over the Beast, who is destroying your child(,) Rick."
*Using THE PRIEST so often is also not advisable. Here, I recommend using a pronoun:
*
A kick to Brian's ribs sent him flying across the cave. Pain coursed through the priest's body, but he would not allow defeat. He dug his fingers into the stone wall and pulled himself upright. When he turned, Rick Morales's gun was up and aimed to blow the priest's brains out.
A kick to Brian's ribs sent him flying across the cave. Pain coursed through his body, but he would not allow defeat. He dug his fingers into the stone wall and pulled himself upright. When he turned, Rick Morales's gun was up and aimed to blow his brains out.
Lots of Love,
rd
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2014
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Hi dear friend. Felt like dropping by to review this even though I am unaware of all the interim events between the opening chapters we've worked on and this one.
Wow, what a potent dramatic scene near in the end. Intense and riveting. Well portrayed and nicely 'counterpointed' with the tender scene at the closing with his mom.
This chapter draws the reader in. Great POV with internal dialog too; good narrative and dialog. Good pacing. I'll just make a few spag suggestions and the rest (character and plot development, etc.) will come when we reach this in succession after previous chapters
*
He'd watched(,) with mounting anxiety(,) as Rick Morales,
*side-stepping hacked-out boulders and loose granite which(THAT) threatened to twist an ankle or break a leg.
*The woman(,) who'd been tossed aside like a bag of trash(,) made no sound or movement.
* He surmised she was drugged,(no ,) and, on top of the shock from her terrible wounds, he(delete HE) feared there was only a slim window of opportunity to save her life.
*I'm sure she's dehydrated, but pouring water down her throat is too dangerous.
use contraction here: throat's
*Try not to repeat Brian's name so often. I suggest to use pronouns here:
Brian's throat tightened at Danika's weak groan in response to his simple act.
A consuming cold moved through Brian. He glanced sideways. On Rick's chest sat a painted dog. Brian knew it was the demon's temporal facade.
His throat tightened at Danika's weak groan in response to his simple act.
A consuming cold moved through him. He glanced sideways. On Rick's chest sat a painted dog. He knew it was the demon's temporal facade.
*praised him with your tongue(,) while hating him for abandoning your
*Throw your terror over the Beast, who is destroying your child(,) Rick."
*Using THE PRIEST so often is also not advisable. Here, I recommend using a pronoun:
*
A kick to Brian's ribs sent him flying across the cave. Pain coursed through the priest's body, but he would not allow defeat. He dug his fingers into the stone wall and pulled himself upright. When he turned, Rick Morales's gun was up and aimed to blow the priest's brains out.
A kick to Brian's ribs sent him flying across the cave. Pain coursed through his body, but he would not allow defeat. He dug his fingers into the stone wall and pulled himself upright. When he turned, Rick Morales's gun was up and aimed to blow his brains out.
Lots of Love,
rd
Comment Written 06-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2014
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As always, superb suggestions, Rama. I'll be making the edits when I get back from my Dentist appointment (I hate those - the dentist I mean LoL). Thanks for tightening and trimming. With just the short time we've worked together, I can already see the improvements in the way I approach the writing. So, thanks in advance. More chapters coming your way in a day or two.
Thanks so much!
Hugs, Bev
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Thanks for your super-lovely response, dearest Bev. I also see the improvements in your writing and I am enjoying your story (and characters) too! Looking forward to next chapters.
Warm Hugs and Smiles,
rd
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Thanks for the encouragement, Rama. You're a dear! Hugs, Bev
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So are you! Big warm hugs, rd
Comment from Dean Kuch
As Father brain inches his way ever closer to the fallen and unconscious Danika Marten, the tension mounts as the possessed Rick lays nearby but sleeping. I found myslef wondering, would he simply bolt upright and stop Brian dead in his tracks? Or, would Brian actually manage to get her out of the old mine shaft.
Yet Father Brian soon encounters the hell hound, that demonic monstrosity which has taken possession of Rick, and a battle of epic proportions quickly ensues. As Brian tries to exile the demon with his crucifix, he's unceremoniously kicked in the ribs and thrown into the stony walls of the mine. Rick Morales confronts the priest, berating him for not helping him out when he came to him a few months earlier.
During the clash, the beast is temporarily expelled, and in a moment of defiance against it, Rick begins firing his service revolver at the thing, despite the repeated warnings that there is dynamite all over the mine. Rick hits some of it, causing it to explode and rain down death and destruction within the shaft.
As the chapter ends, we wonder if this is truly the end of Father Brian.
Well done, Bev. Another exciting and well written chapter.
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2014
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As Father brain inches his way ever closer to the fallen and unconscious Danika Marten, the tension mounts as the possessed Rick lays nearby but sleeping. I found myslef wondering, would he simply bolt upright and stop Brian dead in his tracks? Or, would Brian actually manage to get her out of the old mine shaft.
Yet Father Brian soon encounters the hell hound, that demonic monstrosity which has taken possession of Rick, and a battle of epic proportions quickly ensues. As Brian tries to exile the demon with his crucifix, he's unceremoniously kicked in the ribs and thrown into the stony walls of the mine. Rick Morales confronts the priest, berating him for not helping him out when he came to him a few months earlier.
During the clash, the beast is temporarily expelled, and in a moment of defiance against it, Rick begins firing his service revolver at the thing, despite the repeated warnings that there is dynamite all over the mine. Rick hits some of it, causing it to explode and rain down death and destruction within the shaft.
As the chapter ends, we wonder if this is truly the end of Father Brian.
Well done, Bev. Another exciting and well written chapter.
Comment Written 06-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2014
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Dean, thank you for your grand review. With the advanced editing process I'm going through with Rama Devi, there may be changes to this chapter, so your feedback is helpful.
Much appreciated,
Bev
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My pleasure as always, Bev...
Comment from trottintrev82
Not much of a fiction admirer, but this will take off with the young adult section of any book retailer. I love the description of every action and thought. and when the mother dies i thought to myself..." awwwwwww cmon!" BUt for the most part it keeps you reading. ANd very descriptive.
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2014
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Not much of a fiction admirer, but this will take off with the young adult section of any book retailer. I love the description of every action and thought. and when the mother dies i thought to myself..." awwwwwww cmon!" BUt for the most part it keeps you reading. ANd very descriptive.
Comment Written 05-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2014
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Thank you very much for sharing your insights, T. I appreciate you taking time to review. :) Bev
Comment from RGstar
''Did not your own Master condemn you? All these years, you've held his body and blood in your hands, praised him with your tongue while hating him for abandoning your mommy."
I would change places with the adverb ''not'' and ''your'' Bev. I might also remove the comma after ''All these years,'' and place it after ''your tongue''as where you have used two commas now, if you remove the section between the two the rest would not make a good sentence. Always a good indication when using two commas in a sentence. If only using one comma somewhere, that rule does not apply, but careful when using 2 commas in the same sentence, the middle section between the two must be able to be omitted and the rest still makes a good sentence.
'' Did your master not condemn you?''All these years you've held his body and blood in your hands, praised him with your tongue, while hating him for abandoning your mommy."
Once again, Bev, you deliver the astounding air of suspense between the struggle of good and evil. There was a couple of tiny things I stopped to wonder about but not enough to stop this well earned 6 stars. Truly a good continuation of your great novel.
The dog does it for me every time. A great creation.
Bravo
Best wishes,
RG
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2014
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''Did not your own Master condemn you? All these years, you've held his body and blood in your hands, praised him with your tongue while hating him for abandoning your mommy."
I would change places with the adverb ''not'' and ''your'' Bev. I might also remove the comma after ''All these years,'' and place it after ''your tongue''as where you have used two commas now, if you remove the section between the two the rest would not make a good sentence. Always a good indication when using two commas in a sentence. If only using one comma somewhere, that rule does not apply, but careful when using 2 commas in the same sentence, the middle section between the two must be able to be omitted and the rest still makes a good sentence.
'' Did your master not condemn you?''All these years you've held his body and blood in your hands, praised him with your tongue, while hating him for abandoning your mommy."
Once again, Bev, you deliver the astounding air of suspense between the struggle of good and evil. There was a couple of tiny things I stopped to wonder about but not enough to stop this well earned 6 stars. Truly a good continuation of your great novel.
The dog does it for me every time. A great creation.
Bravo
Best wishes,
RG
Comment Written 05-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2014
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Hi, RG. Thanks for the great editorial suggestion. I like your suggested change.
I really appreciate your generosity and encouragement, my friend. You've been a very loyal follower of my story and have always been a champion for the work. That means more than I can say. I'm working with Rama Devi to edit my novel. I've got a lot of work after finishing this in the next two weeks. So, your suggestions will go into the stew pot!
:) Bev
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Great , Bev.
Look forward to seeing more...a pleasure.
Best wishes,
Comment from Dustybones
A few items I really liked, and perhaps will learn from. I like the quote from Peck, I like the red highlighted area of the previous book, and I like the flow of the supernatual sequence. Good writing, a nothch up from the par here at the fan.
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2014
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A few items I really liked, and perhaps will learn from. I like the quote from Peck, I like the red highlighted area of the previous book, and I like the flow of the supernatual sequence. Good writing, a nothch up from the par here at the fan.
Comment Written 05-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2014
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Thank you very much, Dustybones. I really appreciate your kind review. :) Bev
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I am presently reading a guy, Jim Butcher who has a series of books following a scorcerer from Chicago.
I never heard of him but his ideas are fun. Harry Potter today. So far I love the idea and he tells a easy going story. He's a scorcerer detective.
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A great concept. I like that -- wish I'd thought of it :) Thanks for mentioning the book, I'll check it out. As it turns out, I'm not too far from Chicago.
Comment from J Patience
This is nice. I smiled to see the dog sitting there - as evil as it is. Having the possession manifest as a dog made it more "there," and so more threatening. It gave more depth to the experience. The only stumble I felt was while reading a sentence: "...casting shadows serving to cover law enforcement..." that, in my head, I transfigured to read "Casting shadows that served to cover law enforcement..." but I hardly even count that. This was easy to read, and really, since you've been recognized and "all time best"ed, I don't know why I'm bothering to review. Oh - but one other thing: This is titled as "part one," but clearly it's in the middle of a story. That took me by surprise. This will be quite the adventure.
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2014
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This is nice. I smiled to see the dog sitting there - as evil as it is. Having the possession manifest as a dog made it more "there," and so more threatening. It gave more depth to the experience. The only stumble I felt was while reading a sentence: "...casting shadows serving to cover law enforcement..." that, in my head, I transfigured to read "Casting shadows that served to cover law enforcement..." but I hardly even count that. This was easy to read, and really, since you've been recognized and "all time best"ed, I don't know why I'm bothering to review. Oh - but one other thing: This is titled as "part one," but clearly it's in the middle of a story. That took me by surprise. This will be quite the adventure.
Comment Written 05-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2014
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Thanks for your shared insights and taking time to review, J. I appreciate your encouragement. This is a novel that is nearing its end after almost seventy chapters. And since there is continuation of the action, I thought to break into two parts. :) Bev
Comment from JW
According to what I read on FS, I am supposed to be critical when doing a review.
However, once again I wonder, how can I be critical when there is nothing to be critical about?
This chapter is well written. What more needs to be said?
Thanks for sharing this. JW
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2014
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According to what I read on FS, I am supposed to be critical when doing a review.
However, once again I wonder, how can I be critical when there is nothing to be critical about?
This chapter is well written. What more needs to be said?
Thanks for sharing this. JW
Comment Written 04-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 05-Aug-2014
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Hi, Jonathon. Thank you for being so gracious! I really appreciate your encouragement and generosity.
How are things going with you?
:) Bev
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Your welcome, Bev.
I'll send you a PM regarding what's happening. :-) JW