The Waters Off Rigel Part 2
Short Story15 total reviews
Comment from Sasha
I love your tangents. They are fun,interesting, and usually quite humorous. Keep up the great work. I'll try to read one more post today and then pick up again tomorrow.
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I love your tangents. They are fun,interesting, and usually quite humorous. Keep up the great work. I'll try to read one more post today and then pick up again tomorrow.
Comment Written 19-Jan-2014
Comment from Sankey
Can't really allow this to really be fiction as it seems too real in places. Are you sure you are not speaking of some of your clients you care for?
Good story anyway now I have gotten terrible word again...used to it.
One spag whatever ou(r)t mission might be
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Can't really allow this to really be fiction as it seems too real in places. Are you sure you are not speaking of some of your clients you care for?
Good story anyway now I have gotten terrible word again...used to it.
One spag whatever ou(r)t mission might be
Comment Written 18-Jan-2014
Comment from nordicgirl
Loving these charaters. I appreciate you spending more time prpviding deyails and developing them. That will kake the story beyter regardless of ehat it is. ND
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2014
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Loving these charaters. I appreciate you spending more time prpviding deyails and developing them. That will kake the story beyter regardless of ehat it is. ND
Comment Written 16-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2014
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Glad you are following along. mikey
Comment from GracieAnn
Mikey, this style is unique and interesting. The asides are cleverly interjected and the humor is well placed. You do a great job of explaining "square pegs in round holes". The development of the characters is good ground work for what is likely to test them all. Just a few minor points to consider: Tell how they managed to ditch their companion that brought them, and change "problems then she did" to than. This sentence is a little wordy, "The willingness to risk that to find out what might be at the end of that journey is what makes these people explorers'. Would this work?
The willingness to risk what might be at the end of that journey is what makes these people explorers. Great work, my friend. :0 GracieAnn
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Mikey, this style is unique and interesting. The asides are cleverly interjected and the humor is well placed. You do a great job of explaining "square pegs in round holes". The development of the characters is good ground work for what is likely to test them all. Just a few minor points to consider: Tell how they managed to ditch their companion that brought them, and change "problems then she did" to than. This sentence is a little wordy, "The willingness to risk that to find out what might be at the end of that journey is what makes these people explorers'. Would this work?
The willingness to risk what might be at the end of that journey is what makes these people explorers. Great work, my friend. :0 GracieAnn
Comment Written 15-Jan-2014
Comment from Nichola
Love it, especially the first half.
Small correction (out should be our):Doctor Trent, whatever out mission might be
You mentioned "space shuttle." so I suppose that your story is set in the 90's or early 2000's?
I would leave out: I will spare you the technical jargon, as I do not understand it anyway.
Nichola
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Love it, especially the first half.
Small correction (out should be our):Doctor Trent, whatever out mission might be
You mentioned "space shuttle." so I suppose that your story is set in the 90's or early 2000's?
I would leave out: I will spare you the technical jargon, as I do not understand it anyway.
Nichola
Comment Written 15-Jan-2014
Comment from Tatarka2
I see where you're going, I think. Interesting idea. Here are my humble suggestions: 1) find a point of view. Is this first or second person? It goes back and forth, which is confusing & loses readers, I think. 2) do a bit more "showing" and not so much "telling." I really still don't understand the plot, but I know that you personally watched Gilligan's Island. These things don't hang together. I think I'd try to let the characters speak for themselves and tell the story, rather than having a narrator, especially in a confusing voice, tell them.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
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I see where you're going, I think. Interesting idea. Here are my humble suggestions: 1) find a point of view. Is this first or second person? It goes back and forth, which is confusing & loses readers, I think. 2) do a bit more "showing" and not so much "telling." I really still don't understand the plot, but I know that you personally watched Gilligan's Island. These things don't hang together. I think I'd try to let the characters speak for themselves and tell the story, rather than having a narrator, especially in a confusing voice, tell them.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 15-Jan-2014
Comment from ravenblack
Drunk emus? Now that I would like to see. With the amount of characters, I really don't know how you are going to pull off a fleshed-out story in 4,000 words. I'm looking forward to the wormhole.
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2014
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Drunk emus? Now that I would like to see. With the amount of characters, I really don't know how you are going to pull off a fleshed-out story in 4,000 words. I'm looking forward to the wormhole.
Comment Written 15-Jan-2014
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2014
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Probably won't. Looks more like six to eight maybe. It changes as I type it in. I actually write better now so, I have to edit it as I go and some of the input sends me down new roads. That gets it out of joint a bit. I actually don't have much prose experience so I am a bit lost and really am relying on input as to what to do with these. The more I post the more they seem like they should be longer pieces. But, then that doesn't make for very exciting quick paced posts. Well, your input is most helpful and appreciated. I am happy you are reading along. I am working on it. mikey
Comment from Darkhorse555
goodness dear friend such pictures you draw in your writing I would introduce some conflict between the dark forces of evil and the altruistic powers of good very beautifully penned most delightful piece of reading mikey
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goodness dear friend such pictures you draw in your writing I would introduce some conflict between the dark forces of evil and the altruistic powers of good very beautifully penned most delightful piece of reading mikey
Comment Written 15-Jan-2014
Comment from nelliesellie
I love the study of human nature and our interactions with each other. The movies seem to have it down pat. Women prefer smart men over just handsome ones. They make better partners. I don't like the ones who do nothing for themselves let alone anyone else. Great work.
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I love the study of human nature and our interactions with each other. The movies seem to have it down pat. Women prefer smart men over just handsome ones. They make better partners. I don't like the ones who do nothing for themselves let alone anyone else. Great work.
Comment Written 15-Jan-2014
Comment from robina1978
Yes, there are quite a few new characters in this part. Maybe you should make a list of them at the top or bottom, so everybody understands. It read easily.
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Yes, there are quite a few new characters in this part. Maybe you should make a list of them at the top or bottom, so everybody understands. It read easily.
Comment Written 15-Jan-2014