A disturbing happening.
Three lives destroyed from a heinous crime12 total reviews
Comment from LucaFen4
It's a heart gripping tale. Sad and horrific.
You didn't follow the prompt, it is supposed to be 'she looked down at the blood that had dried in the dust' Whereas you changed it to 'I looked down to the blood that had dried on the ground' - which is why I gave you 4stars.
Also, I think Anna's life would be as affected as the parents, perhaps it was 4 lives, not 3.
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2013
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It's a heart gripping tale. Sad and horrific.
You didn't follow the prompt, it is supposed to be 'she looked down at the blood that had dried in the dust' Whereas you changed it to 'I looked down to the blood that had dried on the ground' - which is why I gave you 4stars.
Also, I think Anna's life would be as affected as the parents, perhaps it was 4 lives, not 3.
Comment Written 07-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2013
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Thanks for the review.
Comment from Supe
I do not know what inellecional and cannot find it in a dictionary
omg I hope you made this up! You told your story well and I wish you well in the contest.
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2013
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I do not know what inellecional and cannot find it in a dictionary
omg I hope you made this up! You told your story well and I wish you well in the contest.
Comment Written 06-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2013
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Thank you for reviewing my story, I have added more information in the Authors notes, I hope it will help you.
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intellecional - is this a word?
Thank you for the additional authors notes.
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Definitions of Intellectual
adjective
1. of or relating to the intellect, as opposed to the emotions
2. appealing to or characteristic of people with a developed intellect â?? intellectual literature
3. expressing or enjoying mental activity
noun
4. a person who enjoys mental activity and has highly developed tastes in art, literature, etc
5. a person who uses or works with his intellect
6. a highly intelligent person
I have copied this from Collins Dictionary I hope this helps you,
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I'm sorry. I know what intellectual is, but in your 2nd paragraph, 2nd line, last word, I think it is supposed to be intellectual not what you have written. I was just trying to verify that I wasn't wrong.
Comment from Spitfire
I suspected it was based on truth. I do think you could have defined Down's Syndrome in the notes. Most readers know what it is.
I never in a million years --watch out for cliches.
She just sits staring into space with her teddy bear in her arms.-- a heart breaking image.
You are so right about jail time not undoing the damage.
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2013
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I suspected it was based on truth. I do think you could have defined Down's Syndrome in the notes. Most readers know what it is.
I never in a million years --watch out for cliches.
She just sits staring into space with her teddy bear in her arms.-- a heart breaking image.
You are so right about jail time not undoing the damage.
Comment Written 06-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2013
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Thanks for the great review, I have added the information about Down Syndrome to the Authors notes.
Comment from Cajungirl
This is a very good take on the writing prompt. Very original. How heartbreaking is this story. I wish you the best of luck in the contest. Excellent read.
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2013
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This is a very good take on the writing prompt. Very original. How heartbreaking is this story. I wish you the best of luck in the contest. Excellent read.
Comment Written 06-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2013
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Thank you very much for the great review.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
The story is moving, but there are far too many errors to list. Here are just some of them to fix.
enjoying the, weather the Sea and the beach. << Wrong
enjoying the weather, the sea, and the beach. << Right
This was a safe place to be, we both fell in love with it << Wrong
This was a safe place to be; we both fell in love with it << Right
shop, Molly was the owner, a young widow, Her daughter Anna << Wrong
shop. Molly was the owner, a young widow. Her daughter Anna << Right
Our daughter,Ellen was born << Wrong
Our daughter, Ellen, was born << Right
about how Ellen loved Friday's, we never heard << Wrong
about how Ellen loved Fridays. We never heard << Right
The Cottage has been put << Wrong
The cottage has been put << Right
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2013
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The story is moving, but there are far too many errors to list. Here are just some of them to fix.
enjoying the, weather the Sea and the beach. << Wrong
enjoying the weather, the sea, and the beach. << Right
This was a safe place to be, we both fell in love with it << Wrong
This was a safe place to be; we both fell in love with it << Right
shop, Molly was the owner, a young widow, Her daughter Anna << Wrong
shop. Molly was the owner, a young widow. Her daughter Anna << Right
Our daughter,Ellen was born << Wrong
Our daughter, Ellen, was born << Right
about how Ellen loved Friday's, we never heard << Wrong
about how Ellen loved Fridays. We never heard << Right
The Cottage has been put << Wrong
The cottage has been put << Right
Comment Written 06-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2013
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Thanks Phyllis for the time you have taken to correct my writing. You also made it very easy for me to correct. Thanks again.
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Our daughter Ellen, was born
Our daughter, Ellen, was born << two commas
Glad I could help. :)
Comment from rod007
This was a great and moving story. A high level entry for the contest. Just one comment In the line towards the end that says-" Two of them had a conscious, it should be "conscience" Well done.
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2013
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This was a great and moving story. A high level entry for the contest. Just one comment In the line towards the end that says-" Two of them had a conscious, it should be "conscience" Well done.
Comment Written 06-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2013
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Thank you so much for the wonderful review, I have rectified the spag
Comment from adewpearl
only a week ago, and the blood was still - add comma
enjoyed going to the local shop, - make that a period
called out to Ellen, I had an idea - make that a period
it was Tom's voice - add apostrophe for possessive
two of them had a conscious - conscience
You get inside the inner thoughts of the narrator well
What a tragic tale
Excellent character development
Brooke
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2013
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only a week ago, and the blood was still - add comma
enjoyed going to the local shop, - make that a period
called out to Ellen, I had an idea - make that a period
it was Tom's voice - add apostrophe for possessive
two of them had a conscious - conscience
You get inside the inner thoughts of the narrator well
What a tragic tale
Excellent character development
Brooke
Comment Written 06-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2013
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Thanks Brooke for a wonderful review and so helpful, I appreciate it
Comment from ericawrites
A very good story line, needs some re-working, repetitive in places.
wonderful time enjoying the, weather the Sea (remove comma after "the" Insert comma after "weather"
with the intellecional mind of a child of eight. (intellectual)
Ellen enjoyed going to the local grocery shop. Molly was the owner, a young widow. Her daughter Anna was only seven years of age; Ellen and Anna were best friends.
Two of them had a (conscious) and reported the incident. conscience
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2013
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A very good story line, needs some re-working, repetitive in places.
wonderful time enjoying the, weather the Sea (remove comma after "the" Insert comma after "weather"
with the intellecional mind of a child of eight. (intellectual)
Ellen enjoyed going to the local grocery shop. Molly was the owner, a young widow. Her daughter Anna was only seven years of age; Ellen and Anna were best friends.
Two of them had a (conscious) and reported the incident. conscience
Comment Written 06-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2013
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Thanks Erica for your review.
Comment from barkingdog
As I read it, it sounded like a true story. I would have liked some dialogue. Narration alone doesn't fill out the characters.
You should eliminate the italic font which has it's own purposes.
Suggestions:
-It was Tom(')s voice
-Yes(,) they may serve time for their criminal deed, but they can never mend the three lives they destroyed.
Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2013
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As I read it, it sounded like a true story. I would have liked some dialogue. Narration alone doesn't fill out the characters.
You should eliminate the italic font which has it's own purposes.
Suggestions:
-It was Tom(')s voice
-Yes(,) they may serve time for their criminal deed, but they can never mend the three lives they destroyed.
Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 06-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2013
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Thank you for the wonderful review and the helpful tips, I appreciate it.
Comment from AnnieGale
This is a very tragic tale. Someday Helen may forget but certainly her parents never will....I'm so sad for the whole family. I don't blame them for selling the house. it was a well written story. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2013
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This is a very tragic tale. Someday Helen may forget but certainly her parents never will....I'm so sad for the whole family. I don't blame them for selling the house. it was a well written story. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 06-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2013
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Thanks for the great review I appreciate it.