Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 13 "Owaka Moon, Part 1"Murder Mystery
48 total reviews
Comment from Joy Graham
I have been avoiding McDonald's for quite a while after hubby and I got sick before Christmas. I went to Sue Grafton's facebook site and people were talking about the Quarter Pounders that Kinsey always eats in Sue's books. Just the mention of the QP with cheese and the hopes of a new Kinsey book from Sue Grafton sent me into cravings. Yup, hubby got me one LOL!!! Now you have to go and mention McDonald's in your chapter and I am wanting another QP with cheeses. Each time I read one of Sue Grafton's books I can hardly wait for the character to go for her first QP with cheese. I also anticipate the first time she goes for a run. I see you are good with the food in your story too. Good job! You know you got your readers hooked when you make them drool for the food you mention.
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2012
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I have been avoiding McDonald's for quite a while after hubby and I got sick before Christmas. I went to Sue Grafton's facebook site and people were talking about the Quarter Pounders that Kinsey always eats in Sue's books. Just the mention of the QP with cheese and the hopes of a new Kinsey book from Sue Grafton sent me into cravings. Yup, hubby got me one LOL!!! Now you have to go and mention McDonald's in your chapter and I am wanting another QP with cheeses. Each time I read one of Sue Grafton's books I can hardly wait for the character to go for her first QP with cheese. I also anticipate the first time she goes for a run. I see you are good with the food in your story too. Good job! You know you got your readers hooked when you make them drool for the food you mention.
Comment Written 01-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2012
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Oh my gosh. I haven't read Sue Grafton in a while. You bring back good memories and a desire to read more! Used to jog AND eat big macs. My husband is the soon-to-be retired financial officer for a large group of McDonald's restaurants. So, that's why I included Mikey Dee's.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your marathon reading, Joy. You are so very kind and generous. Hugs, Bev
Comment from Fluffyhead
The symbolism and the part about the girly drink and the lady with the daughter asking how he is and his leg feeling like jello. Felt very true to life. Like your notes too .And the killer pretending to be a hippie... Pleeeeease write more
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2012
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The symbolism and the part about the girly drink and the lady with the daughter asking how he is and his leg feeling like jello. Felt very true to life. Like your notes too .And the killer pretending to be a hippie... Pleeeeease write more
Comment Written 19-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2012
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What an awesome review, Fluffyhead. I really appreciate your words of support and interest in my chapter. I have one in the hopper coming out in a few days. Thanks so much! Bev
Comment from ScarletClearwater
I liked the interaction with the lady when he almost gets hit by the skateboarder. It shows he has manners and is a good person. Character development was good.
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2012
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I liked the interaction with the lady when he almost gets hit by the skateboarder. It shows he has manners and is a good person. Character development was good.
Comment Written 19-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2012
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Thank you, SC. I appreciate the generous review.
Comment from justatuna
You did an excellent job on this chapter. Haven't read the previous. I'm no expert on structure, so I can't offer honest advice. It looked good to me. Flowed very well. Very descriptive which created great imagery and kept me reading. Congrats.
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2012
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You did an excellent job on this chapter. Haven't read the previous. I'm no expert on structure, so I can't offer honest advice. It looked good to me. Flowed very well. Very descriptive which created great imagery and kept me reading. Congrats.
Comment Written 19-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2012
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Thank you so much justatuna. I really appreciate the support and generous review! Warm regards, Bev
Comment from cabinwriter
A very compelling chapter in your mystery/thriller. You do a great job of developing your character with a good balanace of action, exposition and dialogue. Your use of the occasional metaphor was spot on and helped paint a vivid picture in my mind. Suspenseful from the beginning of the story through the end.
Two suggestions with regard to the following sentence:
A picture of Greg lying at his feet, throat slit from ear to ear, made Eddie very happy.
---Add "mental" to clarify up front that it is not a real photo:
A (mental) picture of Greg lying at his feet...,
--"...made him very happy." This is more telling than showing and way too generic for an excellent writer such as yourself--why not describe the wicked grin on his face rather than say he was very happy.
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2012
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A very compelling chapter in your mystery/thriller. You do a great job of developing your character with a good balanace of action, exposition and dialogue. Your use of the occasional metaphor was spot on and helped paint a vivid picture in my mind. Suspenseful from the beginning of the story through the end.
Two suggestions with regard to the following sentence:
A picture of Greg lying at his feet, throat slit from ear to ear, made Eddie very happy.
---Add "mental" to clarify up front that it is not a real photo:
A (mental) picture of Greg lying at his feet...,
--"...made him very happy." This is more telling than showing and way too generic for an excellent writer such as yourself--why not describe the wicked grin on his face rather than say he was very happy.
Comment Written 19-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2012
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Hi, Cabinwriter. Thank you for this superb review. Of course, you are absolutely correct about the suggestions you've made - consider them done! Thank you for the time you took to read the chapter and offer your insights. I really appreciate it. Warm Regards, Bev
Comment from Veronica Grace
A wonderful chapter that grab my interest immediatly. I love stories about elderly people. I enjoyed it and found nothing to change or crit.
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2012
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A wonderful chapter that grab my interest immediatly. I love stories about elderly people. I enjoyed it and found nothing to change or crit.
Comment Written 18-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2012
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Thank you so much, Veronica. I really appreciate your generosity and support! Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Joan E.
I liked the mysterious, mosaic-like picture you chose to introduce the chapter. Your "congealed jello," "yo yo" and "handles of a spigot" similes and "barren beach" metaphor are quite effective. Greg is an intriguing character to add at the end to heighten our curiosity about the story. -Joan
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2012
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I liked the mysterious, mosaic-like picture you chose to introduce the chapter. Your "congealed jello," "yo yo" and "handles of a spigot" similes and "barren beach" metaphor are quite effective. Greg is an intriguing character to add at the end to heighten our curiosity about the story. -Joan
Comment Written 18-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2012
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Hi, Joan. Thank you very kindly for this generous and supportive review. I really appreciate you taking time to read! Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from amada
This is a very good chapter. I didn't read the previous ones, but I liked this chapter just the same. Wonderful images and attention to detail. I liked the dialog, natural and spontaneous, kept the story going.
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2012
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This is a very good chapter. I didn't read the previous ones, but I liked this chapter just the same. Wonderful images and attention to detail. I liked the dialog, natural and spontaneous, kept the story going.
Comment Written 18-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2012
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Thank you, Amada. I sure appreciate your generous and supportive review! Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from Tina55
Great suspense. You sucked me in right off the bat.
Stanley nudged the car door open, planted both his feet and hooked his fingers around the lip of its roof to pull himself upright.(This feels a little wordy, Bev. Perhaps it's a matter of trimming things like 'his' feet...it's understood they're his; and, 'his' fingers...know what I mean? It's probably just me, but it doesn't feel as smooth as what leads up to it. It's really a compliment...:))
Great dialogue between the friends at lunch.
Chaz Bramer's coffee cup hit the table and, like a tower without a foundation, it came to rest on its side, sending brown liquid rivulets in multiple directions. (Great line!)
Yikes! Way to unveil Eddy! What a great character intro. Love him!
You have a very devious mind, my friend!!
Great work, Bev. Keep it up...
Love,
Tina
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2012
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Great suspense. You sucked me in right off the bat.
Stanley nudged the car door open, planted both his feet and hooked his fingers around the lip of its roof to pull himself upright.(This feels a little wordy, Bev. Perhaps it's a matter of trimming things like 'his' feet...it's understood they're his; and, 'his' fingers...know what I mean? It's probably just me, but it doesn't feel as smooth as what leads up to it. It's really a compliment...:))
Great dialogue between the friends at lunch.
Chaz Bramer's coffee cup hit the table and, like a tower without a foundation, it came to rest on its side, sending brown liquid rivulets in multiple directions. (Great line!)
Yikes! Way to unveil Eddy! What a great character intro. Love him!
You have a very devious mind, my friend!!
Great work, Bev. Keep it up...
Love,
Tina
Comment Written 18-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2012
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Hi, Tina. Thank you so much for taking time to read my chapter. I always love getting your insights into the writing. You are right on with that line. It's kind of funny, I used to have a lot of trouble with coming up with descriptions - now I tend to get a little carried away LOL! Go figure. So, I'm chopping that section down to the minimum. It's kind of scary how much I enjoy writing Eddie's character. Hmmm....
Again, thanks so much for your great review, my friend. I'm very honored by the sixth star.
Comment from tinams
I always enjoy reading your chapters Bev even if I don't manage to read them all. This was so vivid and well written that it was a real pleasure to read :) Tina
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2012
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I always enjoy reading your chapters Bev even if I don't manage to read them all. This was so vivid and well written that it was a real pleasure to read :) Tina
Comment Written 18-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2012
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Hi, Tina. I so appreciate you taking time to read and review this chapter. Thanks so much for your generous support. Warm regards, Bev