Lipstick Murder
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "Lies Among the Iiving"After a lifetime of suffering, Tess’s world shatte
3 total reviews
Comment from Yolanda King
I like your lively dialog. The scenes are well depicted.
I noticed that the husband is laying it on thickly that Emily was loved by everyone, like about 3x or so. That makes me as a reader perk up. Perhaps that was intentional? I could've done with less hinting at her perfection, but that's just me.
You should look at your punctuation again. Also, in the very beginning you spell Rodriguez first with a z, then with an s.
All in all, I liked the chapter.
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2025
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I like your lively dialog. The scenes are well depicted.
I noticed that the husband is laying it on thickly that Emily was loved by everyone, like about 3x or so. That makes me as a reader perk up. Perhaps that was intentional? I could've done with less hinting at her perfection, but that's just me.
You should look at your punctuation again. Also, in the very beginning you spell Rodriguez first with a z, then with an s.
All in all, I liked the chapter.
Comment Written 20-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2025
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Thank you for such a kind review and your wonderful stars. I took out the middle praise so it reads, I've made a few enemies through the years.. and I changed the a to z.
Thank you again for your kind review, I'm so glad you liked it, take care.
Comment from Faith Williams
I'm afraid I haven't read any of the other chapters. It might be helpful to put a list of characters in the author's notes section so readers who aren't familiar are better able to follow along with the story.
It seems like there is a serial killer on the loose, and another body has dropped.
Suggestions to consider:
It seems like a lot, but most of them can be grouped together for the same suggestion. Also, please note these are merely suggestions. You are free to do with them whatever you want.
For each of the following sentences, I think you can delete the dialogue tag. There is surrounding narration in each sentence which lets the reader know who is talking. It allows for smoother reading.
Toni taps the man on the shoulder. (then asks), "Mr. Whitmore?"
"Yes, that's me," (he says), (He) wiping (wipes) his face with his sleeve.
Sitting beside him, Toni takes the notebook from her pocket, (then says),
Shaking his head, (he says),
He glances at his silent phone, (then says),
She closes her book, (and hands him her card, (and then says),
"Morning, Serge, " (he says_.
She hands him a report (and then continues). Emily Whitmore
Jamal skims through her notes, looks up, (and asks,)
She hands him Steven's autopsy report (and says),
His eyebrows raise (when he asks),
She glances at her watch (then says),
He wipes the moisture away (and says),
The door closes; Jamal looks over at Toni (and asks),
Jamal glances at the gardener (and says),
Having noted the dialogue tags above, here is where I think dialogue tags or some additional narration around the dialogue would be helpful. In the section, I know where Mr. Whittmore is talking, but I'm not sure if Toni or Jamal is asking the question.
"Have you had any disputes with your domestic help?"
"No, none. Well, none that I know of, that is. Emily takes care of that side of things. But I'm sure she would've told me if any problems had occurred."
"How was your and Emily's relationship?"
"Then one of our guests found Emily unresponsive on the kitchen floor."
After Mr. Whittmore explains what happened, Toni asks about who catered the party, but it seems like she would have asked some other questions: Who found Emily? What time was it?
It's intriguing.
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2025
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I'm afraid I haven't read any of the other chapters. It might be helpful to put a list of characters in the author's notes section so readers who aren't familiar are better able to follow along with the story.
It seems like there is a serial killer on the loose, and another body has dropped.
Suggestions to consider:
It seems like a lot, but most of them can be grouped together for the same suggestion. Also, please note these are merely suggestions. You are free to do with them whatever you want.
For each of the following sentences, I think you can delete the dialogue tag. There is surrounding narration in each sentence which lets the reader know who is talking. It allows for smoother reading.
Toni taps the man on the shoulder. (then asks), "Mr. Whitmore?"
"Yes, that's me," (he says), (He) wiping (wipes) his face with his sleeve.
Sitting beside him, Toni takes the notebook from her pocket, (then says),
Shaking his head, (he says),
He glances at his silent phone, (then says),
She closes her book, (and hands him her card, (and then says),
"Morning, Serge, " (he says_.
She hands him a report (and then continues). Emily Whitmore
Jamal skims through her notes, looks up, (and asks,)
She hands him Steven's autopsy report (and says),
His eyebrows raise (when he asks),
She glances at her watch (then says),
He wipes the moisture away (and says),
The door closes; Jamal looks over at Toni (and asks),
Jamal glances at the gardener (and says),
Having noted the dialogue tags above, here is where I think dialogue tags or some additional narration around the dialogue would be helpful. In the section, I know where Mr. Whittmore is talking, but I'm not sure if Toni or Jamal is asking the question.
"Have you had any disputes with your domestic help?"
"No, none. Well, none that I know of, that is. Emily takes care of that side of things. But I'm sure she would've told me if any problems had occurred."
"How was your and Emily's relationship?"
"Then one of our guests found Emily unresponsive on the kitchen floor."
After Mr. Whittmore explains what happened, Toni asks about who catered the party, but it seems like she would have asked some other questions: Who found Emily? What time was it?
It's intriguing.
Comment Written 19-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2025
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Thank you for reading my chapter. I'm so glad you found it intriguing. I took out the speech tags like you said, and added where it was needed. I didn't realize I'd used so many, thank you for pointing that out. I also asked who found her and the time. I put a list of characters at the end, The living and Tess's victims.
Thank you again for reading my chapter. I do hope to see you again, take care.
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
I really enjoyed your story - it pulled me right in! The dialogue flows so naturally. Toni and Jamal are so well written. The mystery is building up nicely! And I'm already trying to piece together the clues. That last exchange between Jamal and Toni was perfect! Can't wait to see where this goes!
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2025
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I really enjoyed your story - it pulled me right in! The dialogue flows so naturally. Toni and Jamal are so well written. The mystery is building up nicely! And I'm already trying to piece together the clues. That last exchange between Jamal and Toni was perfect! Can't wait to see where this goes!
Comment Written 18-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2025
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Thank you so much for your sweet review. I'm so glad you enjoyed it. The killer isn't quite done yet, lol.
Thank you again for your kind review and lovely stars, take care.
