No - Say It Ain't So!
Viewing comments for Chapter 12 "NO! Say It Ain't So! Ch. 15-16"I woke up one morning feeling...
10 total reviews
Comment from Faith Williams
The story keeps me chuckling. And on my toes. Phil must be a somewhat devious person himself to create the chaos of Trump while still attempting to undo it.
Suggestions to consider:
'After the pleasantries, President Trump got right to the point, ignoring his starting to talk about the House of Representatives.' I find this sentence a little confusing. Maybe switch 'starting' to 'attempt' or maybe even 'Schlape's attempt'. There is a scene in between and some clarification could help the reader.
'The first thing I did was jump up, dress, and search for some coffee as I gave myself a tour of the conspicuous consumption, both inside and out' Maybe an example or two of this conspicuous consumption? Otherwise, the reader is left hanging.
'His (instantly) furrowed brows told me I'd already messed up' I don't think you need 'instantly' here.
"Mr. President. Forgive me, I should have called you. But I'm told that the seas are a bit rough. I'm afraid it won't be the ideal conditions for a cruise." There's a scene in between here, and wither adding a dialogue tag or some description would help the reader.
It's still interesting. Looking forward to the next post.
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2025
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The story keeps me chuckling. And on my toes. Phil must be a somewhat devious person himself to create the chaos of Trump while still attempting to undo it.
Suggestions to consider:
'After the pleasantries, President Trump got right to the point, ignoring his starting to talk about the House of Representatives.' I find this sentence a little confusing. Maybe switch 'starting' to 'attempt' or maybe even 'Schlape's attempt'. There is a scene in between and some clarification could help the reader.
'The first thing I did was jump up, dress, and search for some coffee as I gave myself a tour of the conspicuous consumption, both inside and out' Maybe an example or two of this conspicuous consumption? Otherwise, the reader is left hanging.
'His (instantly) furrowed brows told me I'd already messed up' I don't think you need 'instantly' here.
"Mr. President. Forgive me, I should have called you. But I'm told that the seas are a bit rough. I'm afraid it won't be the ideal conditions for a cruise." There's a scene in between here, and wither adding a dialogue tag or some description would help the reader.
It's still interesting. Looking forward to the next post.
Comment Written 07-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2025
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Thank you for your great (and helpful) review. I truly appreciate it.
Comment from Alexandra Trovato
This is a written funny story. I honestly think Trump has never woken up early, though. That's so "servant." Great work!
A note:
"Betty. Send for my doctor and then come into the Oval. (")
Alex
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2025
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This is a written funny story. I honestly think Trump has never woken up early, though. That's so "servant." Great work!
A note:
"Betty. Send for my doctor and then come into the Oval. (")
Alex
Comment Written 05-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2025
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Thank you. I appreciate your fine review.
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You're welcome!
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
I popped back in to catch up, but being away for a couple of weeks has me missing a lot. So, Trump has pissed Musk off; my guess is that it will end the other way around. And Phil is trying to do damage control ahead of the damage, I take it. Just like Trump (in real life) is trying to do damage before the mid-terms.
Life is stranger than fiction, but this is an imaginative tale you weave, Wayne.
xo
Pam
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2025
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I popped back in to catch up, but being away for a couple of weeks has me missing a lot. So, Trump has pissed Musk off; my guess is that it will end the other way around. And Phil is trying to do damage control ahead of the damage, I take it. Just like Trump (in real life) is trying to do damage before the mid-terms.
Life is stranger than fiction, but this is an imaginative tale you weave, Wayne.
xo
Pam
Comment Written 05-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2025
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Thank you for popping back in.
It begins to get dramatic now.
(34 chapters)
Comment from lyenochka
Oh, so you're posting two chapters at once. By the way, when was there a switch back so that Trump was at the White House? But when was Phil at Mar-a-Lago? Was that when Trump was at the safe house? I think the dialogue and POV is fine but the time of the switching is confusing to me, anyway.
It makes sense that Trump would like Phil investigated. But somehow I bet he isn't that polite.
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2025
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Oh, so you're posting two chapters at once. By the way, when was there a switch back so that Trump was at the White House? But when was Phil at Mar-a-Lago? Was that when Trump was at the safe house? I think the dialogue and POV is fine but the time of the switching is confusing to me, anyway.
It makes sense that Trump would like Phil investigated. But somehow I bet he isn't that polite.
Comment Written 05-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2025
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The switch happened the first night at Mar-a-Lago. I'll go back and emphasize that.
I spent a couple hours dating each chapter (and some sections+++). But it was far more confusing. The biggest problem is that
whoever is President has days of activity, and the one in the safe house only has a few sentences worth and to commingle would be too disruptive of the plot, too choppy (in my opinion). Perhaps not, but it would take a rewrite.
The doubling up of chapters is only for shorter chapters. There are 34 and Trump's wrecking ball is too chaotic for my story.
Thank you for your very helpful review.
Comment from Wendy G
I think Phil should be getting quite worried about Trump knowing who he is! The self-reflections and confusion of the real Trump are well done ( and unfortunatly qute realistic) There's a lot happening for you to keep up wiyh. I hope Phil can undo the effects of some recent events!
Wendy
Edits: "No! I..." I what? "What could I tell this stranger? (Remove quotation marks prior to "What could I tell ...."
Where's Paté?" (remove quotation marks here) (This is just what he's thinking.)
"No. false alarm. I'm fine. I'm fine." (capital F for False, or else just a comma after "No")
Betty made a note to do a full background check on Tom McQuin. I think this is the first time his name has been mentioned, so maybe add "the butler" in bckets, or after a comma. Just so we don't need to consult the character list.
Hope this is helpful.
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2025
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I think Phil should be getting quite worried about Trump knowing who he is! The self-reflections and confusion of the real Trump are well done ( and unfortunatly qute realistic) There's a lot happening for you to keep up wiyh. I hope Phil can undo the effects of some recent events!
Wendy
Edits: "No! I..." I what? "What could I tell this stranger? (Remove quotation marks prior to "What could I tell ...."
Where's Paté?" (remove quotation marks here) (This is just what he's thinking.)
"No. false alarm. I'm fine. I'm fine." (capital F for False, or else just a comma after "No")
Betty made a note to do a full background check on Tom McQuin. I think this is the first time his name has been mentioned, so maybe add "the butler" in bckets, or after a comma. Just so we don't need to consult the character list.
Hope this is helpful.
Comment Written 05-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2025
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Thank you for your very helpful review. McQuin was introduced in the 1st chapter, but not since. Point taken.
Thank you for the catches.
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Ah, sorry, I didn’t remember his name. Apologies.
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
I can see where Trump might think he was going crazy when sometimes he seemed to be a prisoner and sometimes he was back to his president life. And he knows Phil's name. Even Phil, knowing he is in Trump's body, might be getting a little paranoid.
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2025
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I can see where Trump might think he was going crazy when sometimes he seemed to be a prisoner and sometimes he was back to his president life. And he knows Phil's name. Even Phil, knowing he is in Trump's body, might be getting a little paranoid.
Comment Written 04-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2025
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It would be a taxing experience, for sure.
Thank you for your very nice review.
Comment from Esther Brown
You are brave to tackle politics with this excellent rather frightening imaginative piece. I am not going to ruin it sharing my personal view (or by trying to read anything into it). I didn't see any obvious edits.
I have a schitzophrenic son. Grandiose and paranoid delusions rule his thoughts. He is preparing to fight the anti-christ in the temple with a sword. He has quite a sword collection. Sometimes he is muslim (doing Ramadan currently). It is terrifying enough to view his thoughts from my point of view, I cannot imagine writing them from his. I have a short story "My second half African son" and also "Voices in his head". I would be honored if you took the time to read them. Esther
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2025
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You are brave to tackle politics with this excellent rather frightening imaginative piece. I am not going to ruin it sharing my personal view (or by trying to read anything into it). I didn't see any obvious edits.
I have a schitzophrenic son. Grandiose and paranoid delusions rule his thoughts. He is preparing to fight the anti-christ in the temple with a sword. He has quite a sword collection. Sometimes he is muslim (doing Ramadan currently). It is terrifying enough to view his thoughts from my point of view, I cannot imagine writing them from his. I have a short story "My second half African son" and also "Voices in his head". I would be honored if you took the time to read them. Esther
Comment Written 04-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2025
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Thank you for your very kind review.
I'll look for 'Voices in His Head' as well as "My Second Half African Son'.
Thank you immensely for the six stars!
Comment from Iza Deleanu
I love how you go back and forth between things, and it seems comical but in reality, you just capture what is indeed happening at the White House. Right now we are all in a yolo position according to his dreams.
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2025
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I love how you go back and forth between things, and it seems comical but in reality, you just capture what is indeed happening at the White House. Right now we are all in a yolo position according to his dreams.
Comment Written 04-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2025
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Thank you very much.
I'm posting 5-6 chapters a week but can't keep up with Project 2025. Grrrrrrr!
Thank you immensely for the six stars!
Comment from jim vecchio
Once again, the combined chapters worked well. I wonder how this thing will ever get to a conclusion. Reminds me of one day, near Thanksgiving, when I was visiting a farm and morphed into a turkey. I was then captured and delivered to the White House. I was about to be plucked and cooked when I morphed into the President at the same time. I quickly pardoned myself, then morphed back into plain old Jimmy.
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2025
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Once again, the combined chapters worked well. I wonder how this thing will ever get to a conclusion. Reminds me of one day, near Thanksgiving, when I was visiting a farm and morphed into a turkey. I was then captured and delivered to the White House. I was about to be plucked and cooked when I morphed into the President at the same time. I quickly pardoned myself, then morphed back into plain old Jimmy.
Comment Written 04-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2025
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How fortuitous for you, I mean Jimmy!
Thank you for your very kind review.
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
This continues to be a fascinating read! The internal monologue of "Trump" (Phil) is especially well done. The way you wrote about the yacht trip had me feeling like I was right there. The little details like the MAGA cap being better quality work make this feel real. I love the tension in this chapter. The dialogue is realistic. Terrific ending - looking forward to more.
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2025
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This continues to be a fascinating read! The internal monologue of "Trump" (Phil) is especially well done. The way you wrote about the yacht trip had me feeling like I was right there. The little details like the MAGA cap being better quality work make this feel real. I love the tension in this chapter. The dialogue is realistic. Terrific ending - looking forward to more.
Comment Written 04-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2025
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Thank you. You made my morning!
