Veil of Secrets
Viewing comments for Chapter 12 "Veil of Secrets - Chap 12"Mystery/Crime and Ghosts
13 total reviews
Comment from Wy Jung
"Every choice we make shapes the world we leave behind," the inscription read.
This reflects something we spoke of earlier and sends me forward. Thank you for this. ...and, after a dinner break, on to chapter 13 - my lucky number.
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2025
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"Every choice we make shapes the world we leave behind," the inscription read.
This reflects something we spoke of earlier and sends me forward. Thank you for this. ...and, after a dinner break, on to chapter 13 - my lucky number.
Comment Written 13-Feb-2025
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2025
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You hung in there all night and I am so blessed. Thank you so much.
Smiles, Carol
Comment from royowen
Finally Rebecca is going to be shared with through Antonio, and everything she possibly won't like will be shared, and now Althea, I was wondering why power or wealth would make anything different to someone dead, such as Cornelius Carol?, blessings Roy
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Finally Rebecca is going to be shared with through Antonio, and everything she possibly won't like will be shared, and now Althea, I was wondering why power or wealth would make anything different to someone dead, such as Cornelius Carol?, blessings Roy
Comment Written 24-Jan-2025
Comment from Jacob1395
This was very intense once again, Carol, and I thought this was so good right in the first part of this chapter and it really drew me into the scene. Another excellent piece, I really enjoyed reading it.
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This was very intense once again, Carol, and I thought this was so good right in the first part of this chapter and it really drew me into the scene. Another excellent piece, I really enjoyed reading it.
Comment Written 23-Jan-2025
Comment from Wendy G
That is a dramatic ending and a sure hook for the reader to return. It is all building to a climax but I am so busy following the complex storyline that I can't see how it will all end. (Probably exactly what you want!. Lol).
Wendy
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That is a dramatic ending and a sure hook for the reader to return. It is all building to a climax but I am so busy following the complex storyline that I can't see how it will all end. (Probably exactly what you want!. Lol).
Wendy
Comment Written 23-Jan-2025
Comment from Pearl Edwards
I do believe in the spirit world but I wouldn't want a visit from Cornelius. Your chapters move along at a good pace Carol with plenty to keep the reader itching for the next one. Loving this story and now with Antonio too. Cheers
Valda
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I do believe in the spirit world but I wouldn't want a visit from Cornelius. Your chapters move along at a good pace Carol with plenty to keep the reader itching for the next one. Loving this story and now with Antonio too. Cheers
Valda
Comment Written 23-Jan-2025
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
Grayson imprisons Althea in a root cellar and tries to figure out how to get out of trouble with Zhang Wei. Rebecca is searching for Marion but can't find her, although she does discover her grandfather, Antonio. It is hard for Rebecca to accept that he is a ghost. Eleanor urges Antonio to explain everything to Rebecca. These are some interesting scenes that move the story forward.
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Grayson imprisons Althea in a root cellar and tries to figure out how to get out of trouble with Zhang Wei. Rebecca is searching for Marion but can't find her, although she does discover her grandfather, Antonio. It is hard for Rebecca to accept that he is a ghost. Eleanor urges Antonio to explain everything to Rebecca. These are some interesting scenes that move the story forward.
Comment Written 22-Jan-2025
Comment from LJbutterfly
All of your chapters are filled with lots of information, descriptions, and dialogue. Even though there are several subplots, each with its own set of well developed characters, the various elements come together and flow smoothly.
I especially like your use of descriptive movement as characters speak. It adds color to the dialogue.
Examples:
(Grayson let out a harsh laugh devoid of humor. "You think I staged that?")
(I'm not safe anyhow, am I?" she whispered, her hands trembling as they gripped the table's edge.)
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All of your chapters are filled with lots of information, descriptions, and dialogue. Even though there are several subplots, each with its own set of well developed characters, the various elements come together and flow smoothly.
I especially like your use of descriptive movement as characters speak. It adds color to the dialogue.
Examples:
(Grayson let out a harsh laugh devoid of humor. "You think I staged that?")
(I'm not safe anyhow, am I?" she whispered, her hands trembling as they gripped the table's edge.)
Comment Written 22-Jan-2025
Comment from Tim Margetts
Are you taking lessons from me woman?
Honestly, Carol. Leaving me hanging on a cliff hanger is my trick :-p
I love how this chapter is developing and I want the Chinese guy to swat Grayson
Tim x
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Are you taking lessons from me woman?
Honestly, Carol. Leaving me hanging on a cliff hanger is my trick :-p
I love how this chapter is developing and I want the Chinese guy to swat Grayson
Tim x
Comment Written 22-Jan-2025
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I went back and checked to make sure I wasn't mixing up the order. LOL About 150 words ending in 'ing' this time. I'm under the impression that you aren't concerned about these gerunds and believe I'm just being picky. I am trying to help. I hope this helps some and if not, I will review you but won't make any more corrections.
I copied this, I hope it helps your writing.
~~~~
"Avoid weak helping verbs and write tighter.
For example:
He is working every day.
He works every day
He was painting on weekends.
He painted on weekends.
He will be gardening after work.
He will garden after work
He has been looking out the window since he came home.
He has looked out the window since he came home
Replace weak "ing word" and helping-verb combinations with more powerful verbs.
While searching your manuscript for your "ing" words, look for opportunities to replace common "ing" words with more descriptive verbs in the simple past tense.
For example:
He was looking at the lawn for an hour.
He inspected the lawn for an hour.
She was turning over the burger with one hand and making a salad with the other.
She flipped the burger with one hand and tossed a salad with the other.
The ogre was giving the princess a long-winded explanation.
The ogre bored the princess with a long-winded explanation"
Here are some examples of incorrectly used participial phrases. Note that the structure implies that the actions are happening simultaneously, even though that would be impossible:
Peeling off his pajamas, he turned on the water and stepped into the shower.
Sprinting down to the lake, he dove in and swam to the other side.
The gymnast landed the dismount, dancing with her fists in the air.
The cat jumped to the window sill and curled into a ball, sleeping in the sunshine.
Yeah, those are wrong. I'm not kidding. Clearly, the actions need to be sequential, but that's not what the sentences indicate.
Here are examples of those sentences with sequential action:
He peeled off his pajamas, turned on the water, and stepped into the shower.
He sprinted down to the lake, dove in, and swam to the other side.
The gymnast landed the dismount and danced with her fists in the air.
The cat jumped to the window sill, curled into a ball, and slept in the sunshine.
A dangling participle phrase functions as an adjective and unintentionally modifies the wrong noun (or a missing noun) in a sentence. They're often found at the beginning of a sentence.
When the modifier or participle is not attached to the correct subject, it "dangles."
Incorrect: After finishing my homework, the teacher gave me an excellent grade.
Correct: After I finished my homework, the teacher gave me an excellent grade.
Correct: The teacher gave me an excellent grade after I finished my homework.
Here's another one:
Incorrect: While snacking on trail mix, a rainbow brightened the horizon.
Correct: While we snacked on trail mix, a rainbow brightened the horizon.
Correct: A rainbow brightened the horizon while we snacked on trail mix.
I hope this was helpful. In summary, "ing words" are useful and they help us vary our sentences and paragraphs. But, they require vigilance!"
~~~~
Zhang's voice was smooth and chilling. "My sources have a different story. They say the order came from you - not Vito." (chilling,)
She stayed still, her heart racing as Grayson continued.
"Word is that he won't be talking anytime soon or maybe never."
(continued, & then move the dialogue closer.)
Althea shook her head, her voice trembling. "I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what's going on." (trembling,)
She struggled against him, her voice rising. "Let me go! I'm not going into the middle of nowhere with you!" (rising,)
Althea pounded on the door, her voice raw with desperation. "Grayson! Let me out! You can't leave me here!" (door. Her voice raw with desperation,)
Rebecca sighed, her voice softening. "I know, Willow. (softening,)
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I went back and checked to make sure I wasn't mixing up the order. LOL About 150 words ending in 'ing' this time. I'm under the impression that you aren't concerned about these gerunds and believe I'm just being picky. I am trying to help. I hope this helps some and if not, I will review you but won't make any more corrections.
I copied this, I hope it helps your writing.
~~~~
"Avoid weak helping verbs and write tighter.
For example:
He is working every day.
He works every day
He was painting on weekends.
He painted on weekends.
He will be gardening after work.
He will garden after work
He has been looking out the window since he came home.
He has looked out the window since he came home
Replace weak "ing word" and helping-verb combinations with more powerful verbs.
While searching your manuscript for your "ing" words, look for opportunities to replace common "ing" words with more descriptive verbs in the simple past tense.
For example:
He was looking at the lawn for an hour.
He inspected the lawn for an hour.
She was turning over the burger with one hand and making a salad with the other.
She flipped the burger with one hand and tossed a salad with the other.
The ogre was giving the princess a long-winded explanation.
The ogre bored the princess with a long-winded explanation"
Here are some examples of incorrectly used participial phrases. Note that the structure implies that the actions are happening simultaneously, even though that would be impossible:
Peeling off his pajamas, he turned on the water and stepped into the shower.
Sprinting down to the lake, he dove in and swam to the other side.
The gymnast landed the dismount, dancing with her fists in the air.
The cat jumped to the window sill and curled into a ball, sleeping in the sunshine.
Yeah, those are wrong. I'm not kidding. Clearly, the actions need to be sequential, but that's not what the sentences indicate.
Here are examples of those sentences with sequential action:
He peeled off his pajamas, turned on the water, and stepped into the shower.
He sprinted down to the lake, dove in, and swam to the other side.
The gymnast landed the dismount and danced with her fists in the air.
The cat jumped to the window sill, curled into a ball, and slept in the sunshine.
A dangling participle phrase functions as an adjective and unintentionally modifies the wrong noun (or a missing noun) in a sentence. They're often found at the beginning of a sentence.
When the modifier or participle is not attached to the correct subject, it "dangles."
Incorrect: After finishing my homework, the teacher gave me an excellent grade.
Correct: After I finished my homework, the teacher gave me an excellent grade.
Correct: The teacher gave me an excellent grade after I finished my homework.
Here's another one:
Incorrect: While snacking on trail mix, a rainbow brightened the horizon.
Correct: While we snacked on trail mix, a rainbow brightened the horizon.
Correct: A rainbow brightened the horizon while we snacked on trail mix.
I hope this was helpful. In summary, "ing words" are useful and they help us vary our sentences and paragraphs. But, they require vigilance!"
~~~~
Zhang's voice was smooth and chilling. "My sources have a different story. They say the order came from you - not Vito." (chilling,)
She stayed still, her heart racing as Grayson continued.
"Word is that he won't be talking anytime soon or maybe never."
(continued, & then move the dialogue closer.)
Althea shook her head, her voice trembling. "I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what's going on." (trembling,)
She struggled against him, her voice rising. "Let me go! I'm not going into the middle of nowhere with you!" (rising,)
Althea pounded on the door, her voice raw with desperation. "Grayson! Let me out! You can't leave me here!" (door. Her voice raw with desperation,)
Rebecca sighed, her voice softening. "I know, Willow. (softening,)
Comment Written 22-Jan-2025
Comment from karenina
Alrighty then, the secret is about to be revealed! Oh, wait. There are so many secrets woven into this plot! Will this be about her heritage and ancestry? About whatever is below the vineyard that is causing so many to go to any ends to own it? Eleanor's appearance was most advantageous! It appears she knows all and will see to hit that Antonio shares what he seems reluctant to share...
A few notes (ignore my ramblings if you want, just ideas--)
Just a suggestion with this sentence:
Why would I draw attention to me like that?"
I sense it would read better as "Why would I draw attention to myself..."
Re this sentence:
"Grayson glanced at Althea, his jaw tightening. "She called me hysterical."
I am unclear if Althea was saying Grayson was hysterical...or if she was in a hysterical state when she called him...
You have some errant "evil eddie" marks immediately after this passage (which I can't show you or this review will not go through)--
"Rebecca dabbed her eyes with a tissue, her gaze sweeping the barnyard. The place felt empty without her grandmother's presence)
Then check for characters you didn't intend)
Unwanted evil Eddie characters after this passage as well:
"Listen to me! I'm turning into Miriam --"
(I'm secretly enjoying the importance of a mirror being the "portal" in this novel and your children's stories... any chance Quinn will show up and say he's hungry? --smile)
Karenina
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2025
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Alrighty then, the secret is about to be revealed! Oh, wait. There are so many secrets woven into this plot! Will this be about her heritage and ancestry? About whatever is below the vineyard that is causing so many to go to any ends to own it? Eleanor's appearance was most advantageous! It appears she knows all and will see to hit that Antonio shares what he seems reluctant to share...
A few notes (ignore my ramblings if you want, just ideas--)
Just a suggestion with this sentence:
Why would I draw attention to me like that?"
I sense it would read better as "Why would I draw attention to myself..."
Re this sentence:
"Grayson glanced at Althea, his jaw tightening. "She called me hysterical."
I am unclear if Althea was saying Grayson was hysterical...or if she was in a hysterical state when she called him...
You have some errant "evil eddie" marks immediately after this passage (which I can't show you or this review will not go through)--
"Rebecca dabbed her eyes with a tissue, her gaze sweeping the barnyard. The place felt empty without her grandmother's presence)
Then check for characters you didn't intend)
Unwanted evil Eddie characters after this passage as well:
"Listen to me! I'm turning into Miriam --"
(I'm secretly enjoying the importance of a mirror being the "portal" in this novel and your children's stories... any chance Quinn will show up and say he's hungry? --smile)
Karenina
Comment Written 22-Jan-2025
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2025
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Fixed and appreciated..... This ole gal is loosing it for sure. I checked that chapter again and again this morning and still messed up. Thanks again for helping me out and for reading the chapter.
Smiles, Carol
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No problem!
