Comment from Carol Hillebrenner

Excellent

This is a fun story of a hike of 10,000 steps that sounds like a stroll through an enchanted world. Rainfall in Arizona sounds like a joyful time as all of nature seems to present itself for your appreciation. Best of luck in the nonfiction writing contest.

 Comment Written 21-Jan-2025

---

reply by the author on 21-Jan-2025

Thanks nice to be in nature and away from the world.

Comment from kiwisteveh

Excellent

Hi, Gayla, welcome to FanStory. I hope you like it here.

I hate to tell you this, but real hikers don't use umbrellas, especially pink flamingo ones!!

To tell the truth there is some beautiful descriptive writing in your piece, but it is almost as if you are trying too hard and your piece is weakened by the series of similar chunks, each one picking out a new focus for your gushing prose.

I don't know if you've noticed, but nearly every one of your paragraphs contains exactly two sentences - count 'em. It feels artificial. I would recommend choosing one or two of the scenes and describing those in more detail and interspersing short paragraphs with longer ones, offering more variety.

Cheers.

Steve

 Comment Written 19-Jan-2025

---

reply by the author on 19-Jan-2025

Finally, a helpful critic. Interesting point on the length of the paragraphs. The reality is that this is a piece that challenges you to use all your senses, so you picked up on that. However, the walk is real, as is the umbrella. Thanks for all your helpful suggestions. I appreciate your review and your time to help me improve my writing. I have hiked the Maah Dah Hey (225) and the Arizona trail (450 miles), and I really do have a flamingo umbrella. gayla

reply by kiwisteveh on 19-Jan-2025

Thank you for the 'helpful' remark. You can always nominate good reviewers - not that I'm likely to win that contest - I don't review nearly enough.

I'll stick by my comment that as it stands, it feels artificial. You say the piece challenges you to use all your senses, but that's not in the contest description, so it must be self-imposed. As an English teacher I would use that trick to get kids to write more, but there's nothing here to stop you elaborating more on some features and minimising or omitting others.

Your political world is interesting (to say the least) at the moment, so I don't blame you for getting away from it all in the outdoors.

Another thought just popped into my head - you go from drought conditions to rainstorm to fine again very quickly. It might be good to fill in some of that transition e.g. effect of rain run-off on where you're hiking.

reply by the author on 19-Jan-2025

I appreciate all your comments and nominated you as a reviewer. I enjoy a good English teacher. I

Comment from royowen

Excellent

Yes, it's amazing how the hope of the moment can take the cares of life spent in a world of the mundane and the seeming endless drift of life, this is beautifully written, good luck, blessings Roy

 Comment Written 19-Jan-2025

---

reply by the author on 19-Jan-2025

Thanks, it was a blessed day.

reply by royowen on 19-Jan-2025

Well done