Firstborn
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Firstborn "What if time no longer mattered?
5 total reviews
Comment from Julie Helms
Review #2
I was sorry to see in your author's note that you are only putting excerpts here. Though I understand why--FanStory has a limited attention span.
Interesting new character, Meridian, introduced and well described through his speech and mannerisms. He comes across as professional, no-nonsense, and perceptive.
Some specific comments:
These two sentences: commas are used to separate two independent clauses. If a dependent clause follows an independent clause then no comma:
**Best be finding a spot around the way there to do your business and we can be out again."
(...'we can be out again' is independent, so use a comma before 'and')
**She then noticed what was atop the huge horse, and screamed.
(...'screamed' is dependent, so no comma before 'and')
**The man turned his gaze to Allan. "Why are you here?" Allan was caught off guard and bungled the response, glancing toward Kala. The horseman shifted in the saddle, leaning forward. "What chases you."
(I would break the paragraph by actors:
The man turned his gaze to Allan. "Why are you here?"
Allan was caught off guard and bungled the response, glancing toward Kala.
The horseman shifted in the saddle, leaning forward."What chases you.")
Great chapter. It makes me look forward to more!
Julie
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2025
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Review #2
I was sorry to see in your author's note that you are only putting excerpts here. Though I understand why--FanStory has a limited attention span.
Interesting new character, Meridian, introduced and well described through his speech and mannerisms. He comes across as professional, no-nonsense, and perceptive.
Some specific comments:
These two sentences: commas are used to separate two independent clauses. If a dependent clause follows an independent clause then no comma:
**Best be finding a spot around the way there to do your business and we can be out again."
(...'we can be out again' is independent, so use a comma before 'and')
**She then noticed what was atop the huge horse, and screamed.
(...'screamed' is dependent, so no comma before 'and')
**The man turned his gaze to Allan. "Why are you here?" Allan was caught off guard and bungled the response, glancing toward Kala. The horseman shifted in the saddle, leaning forward. "What chases you."
(I would break the paragraph by actors:
The man turned his gaze to Allan. "Why are you here?"
Allan was caught off guard and bungled the response, glancing toward Kala.
The horseman shifted in the saddle, leaning forward."What chases you.")
Great chapter. It makes me look forward to more!
Julie
Comment Written 21-Jan-2025
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2025
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Check!
Comment from Esther Brown
First paragraph: wading around the boulder is repeated in the next paragraph. Maybe just looking at the enormous boulder seeking privacy? It needs to be big enough to hide the horseman. The paragraph where she screams and Allan bumps his head and falls is awkward. I picture her picking her way watching her feet...coming face to face with the monster horse/rider. I want to feel her terror, and I don't. I really like your writing and find writing reviews in bits frustrating, (probably like you do trying to post it). I will keep reading...Esther
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2025
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First paragraph: wading around the boulder is repeated in the next paragraph. Maybe just looking at the enormous boulder seeking privacy? It needs to be big enough to hide the horseman. The paragraph where she screams and Allan bumps his head and falls is awkward. I picture her picking her way watching her feet...coming face to face with the monster horse/rider. I want to feel her terror, and I don't. I really like your writing and find writing reviews in bits frustrating, (probably like you do trying to post it). I will keep reading...Esther
Comment Written 02-Jan-2025
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2025
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Adjustments made. Thank you for noting that, Esther. Much appreciated.
Cheers -
MD
Comment from lancellot
A well written chapter. I don't see Chapter one attached. I will look for it, so I have a greater understanding of the Kala's foolishness.
notes:
Allan noted this. Kala slowly lowered the stone.
- Recommend not mixing the actions of multiple characters in the same paragraph.
The man turned his gaze to Allan. "Why are you here?" Allan was caught off guard
-why would he be caught off guard? He just spoke to the man, and heard the man speak. Plus, his question matches with what Allen stated.
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2024
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A well written chapter. I don't see Chapter one attached. I will look for it, so I have a greater understanding of the Kala's foolishness.
notes:
Allan noted this. Kala slowly lowered the stone.
- Recommend not mixing the actions of multiple characters in the same paragraph.
The man turned his gaze to Allan. "Why are you here?" Allan was caught off guard
-why would he be caught off guard? He just spoke to the man, and heard the man speak. Plus, his question matches with what Allen stated.
Comment Written 14-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 15-Dec-2024
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https://www.fanstory.com/displaystory.jsp?hd=1&id=1135576
Chapter one / Firstborn
Comment from Avery Daniel
This was a pretty good chapter. I enjoyed reading it. It wasn't the best thing I've ever read, but it was good enough for me to want to read more. There are a few minor grammar errors, however, which can be remedied quite easily. And at one point, it was rather hard to determine who was speaking, as it seemed you had one paragraph with what I thought was two separate people speaking. I would suggest adding more "he said- she said" type of stuff. I'm sorry I don't know the exact word for it, but when you said stuff like "he lightly touched the horse's jaw as he spoke," I thought that should be continued. And maybe add more physical descriptions, unless you've already done that in chapter 1.
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2024
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This was a pretty good chapter. I enjoyed reading it. It wasn't the best thing I've ever read, but it was good enough for me to want to read more. There are a few minor grammar errors, however, which can be remedied quite easily. And at one point, it was rather hard to determine who was speaking, as it seemed you had one paragraph with what I thought was two separate people speaking. I would suggest adding more "he said- she said" type of stuff. I'm sorry I don't know the exact word for it, but when you said stuff like "he lightly touched the horse's jaw as he spoke," I thought that should be continued. And maybe add more physical descriptions, unless you've already done that in chapter 1.
Comment Written 12-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2024
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Thank you for your review. I stay away from "he said," "she said" as often as possible. Not my style. Sometimes the reader has to be trusted with having the ability to let the dialogue flow.
Cheers -
MD
Comment from barbara.wilkey
You have a great story on your hands. I might suggest if a chapter is too long for posting that you divide into two or three sections. I have done that.
"Our boy Robert has already headed in the other direction." (boy, & this should be a paragraph break. A space is needed.)
"Noted, and unimportant," the man replied. (I smiled at this comment.)
"We're headed south, as far from the Gap as possible, as quickly as possible, Allan explained. "We were tryin' ta' spot either friendly encampments or King Offa's forces (TRY - "We're headed south, as far from the Gap as possible, as quickly as possible," Allan explained. "We were tryin' ta' spot either friendly encampments or King Offa's forces along the coast.")
The horseman adjusted his heavy leather vest and glanced at Kala before speaking. "You may call me Meridian." (speaking,)
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2024
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You have a great story on your hands. I might suggest if a chapter is too long for posting that you divide into two or three sections. I have done that.
"Our boy Robert has already headed in the other direction." (boy, & this should be a paragraph break. A space is needed.)
"Noted, and unimportant," the man replied. (I smiled at this comment.)
"We're headed south, as far from the Gap as possible, as quickly as possible, Allan explained. "We were tryin' ta' spot either friendly encampments or King Offa's forces (TRY - "We're headed south, as far from the Gap as possible, as quickly as possible," Allan explained. "We were tryin' ta' spot either friendly encampments or King Offa's forces along the coast.")
The horseman adjusted his heavy leather vest and glanced at Kala before speaking. "You may call me Meridian." (speaking,)
Comment Written 12-Dec-2024
reply by the author on 12-Dec-2024
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Thank you, Barbara. I am cutting down the length and rearranging the structure in order to make it (sadly) less like a novel, so that it has a better chance of keeping the attention of readers on this site.
Changes made!
MD
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You're the author. It's a great story. I am eager to read more.
