The Redemption of Heather
The six minutes just after a car crash ...6 total reviews
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
Wow, one of the most riveting and evocative stories I've read. The descriptive detail is superb and the whole scenario of flashbacks merged with visceral pain (both physical and psychological) merged) is balanced and well-structured, building towards the climax of a far more tragic recognition. If the body on the hoods wasn't bad enough, the distraught child and consequences of her loss reinforced poignancy and heartbreak, albeit triggering a resolution and redemption that out of despair would come hope. You have all the elements in this concise write to be a very worthy winner. Good luck! Debbie
there (were) fewer lines in the broken windscreen
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2024
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Wow, one of the most riveting and evocative stories I've read. The descriptive detail is superb and the whole scenario of flashbacks merged with visceral pain (both physical and psychological) merged) is balanced and well-structured, building towards the climax of a far more tragic recognition. If the body on the hoods wasn't bad enough, the distraught child and consequences of her loss reinforced poignancy and heartbreak, albeit triggering a resolution and redemption that out of despair would come hope. You have all the elements in this concise write to be a very worthy winner. Good luck! Debbie
there (were) fewer lines in the broken windscreen
Comment Written 15-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2024
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Thank you, Debbie! Me and subjunctives are learning to be more intimate, but I still have a few slips! Thanks for catching this one! I'm very happy you enjoyed the story! 😊
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An amazing piece!
Comment from Tim Margetts
This kept me gripped from start to finish.
You kept the tension up with vivid imagery and pain and horror in every sentence.
I felt that woman's pain, her panic, her confusion.
You have my vote
Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2024
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This kept me gripped from start to finish.
You kept the tension up with vivid imagery and pain and horror in every sentence.
I felt that woman's pain, her panic, her confusion.
You have my vote
Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 14-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2024
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Hello! Thank you for reviewing the story and for your vote! I'm very happy you enjoyed the story.
Comment from Cecilia A Heiskary
This is an awesome story. The descritive words bring the reader inside the story itself as if they were there watching it on the sidelines.
You did a great job, and good luck in your contest.
Cecilia
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2024
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This is an awesome story. The descritive words bring the reader inside the story itself as if they were there watching it on the sidelines.
You did a great job, and good luck in your contest.
Cecilia
Comment Written 14-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2024
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Hi! Thank you for the review! I'm glad you liked the story! 😊
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You're welcome
Cecilia
Comment from SimianSavant
Patrick, this is outstanding work as ususal. It is the first of the contest entries I have read so far, and I have no doubt it will be one of the best.
twenty-two year-old car. <= missing a hyphen. Should be twenty-two-year-old car. Or you can write 22-year-old to improve the readability.
Would he take the engagement ring he had hidden in the pocket of his winter coat back to the jeweler? <= this is brilliant writing. You can make it even more subtle by saying "diamond ring".
Her grandfather lived his entire life in a wheelchair <= I'd go with HAD LIVED (it does not imply that he is dead, as the following sentence suggests he is likely still alive)
they protected her from the fact that life could change <= there are some logic issues here. Try: loving parents had sheltered her from the realization that life could change.
with horrible slowness <= maybe find a slightly more poetic way to say this
mindless terror and lack of understanding <= feels a bit wordy
Heather realized for the first time in her life that love was all that really mattered. <= this feels a little moralistic and redundant coming after "she vowed that if she survived, she would help her endure this senseless tragedy". I suggest picking one of these lines over the other, or figuring out a way to condense them into one thought. This will give you a stronger emotional climax.
Ending: "suddenly she woke up. Her face was just fine, but she was hearing voices telling her Trump had one the election. Noooooo!" (And move the venting at her parents not preparing her for another four years of Trump down there). Just kidding.
Thanks for a great thought-provoking read,
🦍
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2024
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Patrick, this is outstanding work as ususal. It is the first of the contest entries I have read so far, and I have no doubt it will be one of the best.
twenty-two year-old car. <= missing a hyphen. Should be twenty-two-year-old car. Or you can write 22-year-old to improve the readability.
Would he take the engagement ring he had hidden in the pocket of his winter coat back to the jeweler? <= this is brilliant writing. You can make it even more subtle by saying "diamond ring".
Her grandfather lived his entire life in a wheelchair <= I'd go with HAD LIVED (it does not imply that he is dead, as the following sentence suggests he is likely still alive)
they protected her from the fact that life could change <= there are some logic issues here. Try: loving parents had sheltered her from the realization that life could change.
with horrible slowness <= maybe find a slightly more poetic way to say this
mindless terror and lack of understanding <= feels a bit wordy
Heather realized for the first time in her life that love was all that really mattered. <= this feels a little moralistic and redundant coming after "she vowed that if she survived, she would help her endure this senseless tragedy". I suggest picking one of these lines over the other, or figuring out a way to condense them into one thought. This will give you a stronger emotional climax.
Ending: "suddenly she woke up. Her face was just fine, but she was hearing voices telling her Trump had one the election. Noooooo!" (And move the venting at her parents not preparing her for another four years of Trump down there). Just kidding.
Thanks for a great thought-provoking read,
🦍
Comment Written 13-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 15-Nov-2024
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Hello Simian! Thank you for the recommendations. I'm glad you liked the story. And OF COURSE, we had to have you comment on the election. Don't you get sick of thinking about that all the time? 😂 I couldn't imagine tainting my writing (and my activities on this site) with all the negative stuff that goes a long with politics. But of course, that's just me. Obviously, it is quite the entertainment for a lot of people, even a lot of people on FanStory. Have a good weekend, my friend!
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Yeah, probably 90-95% of what I write is political satire and I get an enormous kick out of it, but I'm sure some do not! That was actually why I joined the site -- I was pissed as hell about all those US soldiers the age of my little brothers getting blown up in Afghanistan, and felt compelled to write about it. Politics is the best horror. But now that the election is over, it may be time to pivot back to music. Have a great weekend yourself!
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
Wow, your story pulled me in right from the start! Heather's transformation from shock to a sense of purpose is so well written. That moment where she sees herself and realizes the potential permanence of her injuries was heart wrenching. The end was excellent. It left me feeling hopeful despite everything. What a raw and beautifully written story!
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2024
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Wow, your story pulled me in right from the start! Heather's transformation from shock to a sense of purpose is so well written. That moment where she sees herself and realizes the potential permanence of her injuries was heart wrenching. The end was excellent. It left me feeling hopeful despite everything. What a raw and beautifully written story!
Comment Written 13-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2024
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Thank you! 😊
Comment from Begin Again
It's definitely a different type of "horror story," but one of the best. Life changes on a dime, as they say, and there is no going back. Accidents happen around the clock, and sometimes, a life story is rewritten. One can only pray that it, too, can find a happy ending down the road. It's very well told. It's painful and frightening, but well done.
Smiles, Carol
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2024
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It's definitely a different type of "horror story," but one of the best. Life changes on a dime, as they say, and there is no going back. Accidents happen around the clock, and sometimes, a life story is rewritten. One can only pray that it, too, can find a happy ending down the road. It's very well told. It's painful and frightening, but well done.
Smiles, Carol
Comment Written 13-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 13-Nov-2024
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Thank you! 😊