Pieces of a Nightmare
Detectives Scott and Claire must outwit a cunning killer3 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
I think you have something here but it requires a bit of work still to make it fully gel and all add up.
I made some notes as I read through-
The room fell into an eerie silence, broken only by the sharp hiss of wind rushing through a broken window- maybe find an alternative here for one of the usages of broken to negate the repetition.
glint of blood on jagged glass - this doesn't gel with the following - lifted a shard of glass stained with dried blood, - dried blood doesn't glint, this only happens when wet.
The balance pf telling to showing leans too far to the telling. Maybe not name the emotions so much.
Eliot. Just saying his name sent shivers down Scott's spine.- as of yet, no one has mentioned or said his name...
There are a lot of cliches employed (blood run cold etc). Maybe try a more inventive approach.
The dark hallway stretched out before them, - this doesn't fully gel with - door, slightly cracked open like a thin slit of darkness.
Without hesitation, Claire and Scott / Without hesitation, they crept towards- try to vary the language a bit more.
when she saw the blade pressed against Harper's jugular. - who is Harper? I assume it's Scott but this is the first time this name has been used so it's a bit jarring.
With all his strength, Scott shoved Eliot to the ground as Claire lunged forward, knocking him off balance- this doesn't fully work. if he was pushed to the ground, he'd have been off-balance anyway.
How did Eliot get up and past them so easily from the floor?
pursue Eliot who was now fleeing northbound. - how would they know. he'd just disappeared out a first floor window and into the darkness of the night and there's no mention they even looked out the window after him.
The wind howled through the broken window, carrying with it the mocking echoes of Eliot's laughter.- this doesn't work as there would be no echo as he was outside and the wind was howling which would have drowned it out.
"Move up," Claire mouthed, and together they cautiously advanced towards their enemy.- cautiously seems odd here given her partner is fighting for his life with Eliot.
Claire stood at the end of the alley with her gun trained on Eliot,- this is where she started according to the earlier description. - Claire's silhouette appeared at the end of the alley, her gun steady and ready to fire.
leaving behind a trail of blood and an unspoken threat.- not much of a trail given that it's pouring down and it's only his arm hit.
"Backup's here," Claire announced calmly, - what happened to the back up? They were with Claire when they found Scott fighting Eliot.
i think if you spent some more time refining this it would work much better
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2024
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Hi there,
I think you have something here but it requires a bit of work still to make it fully gel and all add up.
I made some notes as I read through-
The room fell into an eerie silence, broken only by the sharp hiss of wind rushing through a broken window- maybe find an alternative here for one of the usages of broken to negate the repetition.
glint of blood on jagged glass - this doesn't gel with the following - lifted a shard of glass stained with dried blood, - dried blood doesn't glint, this only happens when wet.
The balance pf telling to showing leans too far to the telling. Maybe not name the emotions so much.
Eliot. Just saying his name sent shivers down Scott's spine.- as of yet, no one has mentioned or said his name...
There are a lot of cliches employed (blood run cold etc). Maybe try a more inventive approach.
The dark hallway stretched out before them, - this doesn't fully gel with - door, slightly cracked open like a thin slit of darkness.
Without hesitation, Claire and Scott / Without hesitation, they crept towards- try to vary the language a bit more.
when she saw the blade pressed against Harper's jugular. - who is Harper? I assume it's Scott but this is the first time this name has been used so it's a bit jarring.
With all his strength, Scott shoved Eliot to the ground as Claire lunged forward, knocking him off balance- this doesn't fully work. if he was pushed to the ground, he'd have been off-balance anyway.
How did Eliot get up and past them so easily from the floor?
pursue Eliot who was now fleeing northbound. - how would they know. he'd just disappeared out a first floor window and into the darkness of the night and there's no mention they even looked out the window after him.
The wind howled through the broken window, carrying with it the mocking echoes of Eliot's laughter.- this doesn't work as there would be no echo as he was outside and the wind was howling which would have drowned it out.
"Move up," Claire mouthed, and together they cautiously advanced towards their enemy.- cautiously seems odd here given her partner is fighting for his life with Eliot.
Claire stood at the end of the alley with her gun trained on Eliot,- this is where she started according to the earlier description. - Claire's silhouette appeared at the end of the alley, her gun steady and ready to fire.
leaving behind a trail of blood and an unspoken threat.- not much of a trail given that it's pouring down and it's only his arm hit.
"Backup's here," Claire announced calmly, - what happened to the back up? They were with Claire when they found Scott fighting Eliot.
i think if you spent some more time refining this it would work much better
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 07-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2024
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I went thru this with your suggestions, if you would like to take another look, I would appreciate your feedback, thanks - Marilyn
Comment from Lindsey Russell
This story is absolutely captivating. I hope there is more. Good luck with it! Thank you for sharing this piece. It's well written as well. You have a true talent for this genre of storytelling! Happy writing!
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2024
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This story is absolutely captivating. I hope there is more. Good luck with it! Thank you for sharing this piece. It's well written as well. You have a true talent for this genre of storytelling! Happy writing!
Comment Written 06-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2024
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do you know who giraffmang is?
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
What an electrifying read! I enjoyed tension and urgency in every line as Scott and Claire pursued Eliot through the streets. Your descriptions really brought the scene to life. Especially the way you captured the danger in that dark alley. I loved how you showed us the connection between Scott and Claire. Your writing is excellent. It kept me interested and on the edge. Great job.
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2024
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What an electrifying read! I enjoyed tension and urgency in every line as Scott and Claire pursued Eliot through the streets. Your descriptions really brought the scene to life. Especially the way you captured the danger in that dark alley. I loved how you showed us the connection between Scott and Claire. Your writing is excellent. It kept me interested and on the edge. Great job.
Comment Written 05-Nov-2024
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2024
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this is an excerpt from the new Scott and Claire book I'm working on (Beneath the Ashes)