Serpent's Bargain
Her desire is called a sin to shackle her power ...27 total reviews
Comment from Sanku
desire is likened to a snake .And te woman who feels it is considered as morally corrupt .hhemce she has to feel guilty. I think many religions has this doubles standard..
our poem uses many strong words and alliterations . I had to read it many time s not to miss the point
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2024
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desire is likened to a snake .And te woman who feels it is considered as morally corrupt .hhemce she has to feel guilty. I think many religions has this doubles standard..
our poem uses many strong words and alliterations . I had to read it many time s not to miss the point
Comment Written 18-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2024
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Thank you for the review and your comments! I'm very happy you enjoyed the poem! 😊
Comment from Gloria ....
You have done a most professional job with your quatrains here. First off I very much enjoy the artwork and your presentation. I consider it all part of the deal here, even though the focus is primarily on the writing.
I was primarily struck by the power and unique contours of your language and all written in perfect iambic metre, which is one of my favourites.
And as all good poetry it is layered with the snake coiling in varying configurations throughout.
A fine addition to the Club and exceptional poem.
Much enjoyed. :)
Gloria
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2024
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You have done a most professional job with your quatrains here. First off I very much enjoy the artwork and your presentation. I consider it all part of the deal here, even though the focus is primarily on the writing.
I was primarily struck by the power and unique contours of your language and all written in perfect iambic metre, which is one of my favourites.
And as all good poetry it is layered with the snake coiling in varying configurations throughout.
A fine addition to the Club and exceptional poem.
Much enjoyed. :)
Gloria
Comment Written 17-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2024
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Hi Gloria!
"I consider it all part of the deal here, even though the focus is primarily on the writing." --I absolutely agree. Presenting our poetry in this format WITHOUT including visuals is like painting a landscape with only neutral colors. Why would we not take advantage of the extra medium?
Thank you so much for your review and your 6-star rating! ❤
Patrick
Comment from Wendy Jungbauer
I believe this poem is about desire, guilt and the condemnation of religious beliefs. Obviously, the author used the serpent as a symbol of temptation and sin, with its "scalding skin" and "venom-spits" causing physical pain to the woman, possibly symbolizing how religion can be used to shame people. I find it interesting how even though the woman seems to find pleasure in her forbidden love, the author allows the woman to also feel regret from her guilt and conflict between desire and moral expectations. Ultimately, the author wants us to know that the woman really doesn't care if her actions are considered sinful.
She believes them to be a natural human desire!
Patrick, I had to reread this poem multiple times as it's pretty complex. LOL It's a great poem but it made me have to think a LOT.
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2024
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I believe this poem is about desire, guilt and the condemnation of religious beliefs. Obviously, the author used the serpent as a symbol of temptation and sin, with its "scalding skin" and "venom-spits" causing physical pain to the woman, possibly symbolizing how religion can be used to shame people. I find it interesting how even though the woman seems to find pleasure in her forbidden love, the author allows the woman to also feel regret from her guilt and conflict between desire and moral expectations. Ultimately, the author wants us to know that the woman really doesn't care if her actions are considered sinful.
She believes them to be a natural human desire!
Patrick, I had to reread this poem multiple times as it's pretty complex. LOL It's a great poem but it made me have to think a LOT.
Comment Written 17-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 18-Oct-2024
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Thank you, Wendy! I am so happy that you were able to understand the point of the poem. I crafted it very carefully with poetic conventions, but the most important thing I wanted to convey is my outrage at the way organized religion has poisoned a woman's natural right to enjoy the physical pleasure her body is capable of by making it a sin and an act worthy of guilt. You got all of that perfectly. Thank you for taking the time to "think it out." The best poetry takes a little mental effort, but it is well worth it. And the more you analyze it, the more you appreciate it, and the better your own poetry becomes. ❤
Comment from nomi338
From the initial book of the Bible, the serpent in all its manifestations has been cast as something vile, detestably dangerous, and totally deceitful. I as a person of faith do not hate the actual snake, I do however, avoid the one who hides within and masquerades as someone or something other than his true evil self.
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2024
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From the initial book of the Bible, the serpent in all its manifestations has been cast as something vile, detestably dangerous, and totally deceitful. I as a person of faith do not hate the actual snake, I do however, avoid the one who hides within and masquerades as someone or something other than his true evil self.
Comment Written 17-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2024
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Hi Nomi! Great to hear from you, my friend! I always totally respect and admire people of faith. It has never been nor will it ever be my intention to condemn anyone's beliefs or faith. Religious institutions, however, have been and can be agents of social injustice. At the heart of this poem is that idea. Thank you for your review and rating! Talk to you again soon! 😊
Comment from F. William Lester
Patrick. Wow! Your poetry and prose are so far above most of what I read on this site. Make no mistake, there is a lot of very good work on FanStory, but your use of subtly, imagery, and metaphor is unusually sophisticated. From what I've read so far, is the theme of most of your work eroticism? I'm just curious. I enjoy your work and the complexity of your writing. Where does your body of work fall as far as genre? Thanks for sharing this. Well done. Have a great day. Frank
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2024
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Patrick. Wow! Your poetry and prose are so far above most of what I read on this site. Make no mistake, there is a lot of very good work on FanStory, but your use of subtly, imagery, and metaphor is unusually sophisticated. From what I've read so far, is the theme of most of your work eroticism? I'm just curious. I enjoy your work and the complexity of your writing. Where does your body of work fall as far as genre? Thanks for sharing this. Well done. Have a great day. Frank
Comment Written 17-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2024
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Hello Frank! Thank you for your review and rating of this poem! To answer your question, I would say no, only some of my writing is erotic in nature. I dabble in all genres, usually. But I don't shy away from expressions that some may balk at in my effort to be a sensual writer. The last few works have had that lean to them, but I will be posting some things in the very near future that will go in other directions. I appreciate your question though! I don't know too many artists who don't like talking about themselves when asked. 😂 Have a great day, my friend!
Patrick
Comment from Gunner Lil
This reader likes the picture used for the poem.
The poem is an easy read that flows very well from line to line.
It also has a good pace.
Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2024
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This reader likes the picture used for the poem.
The poem is an easy read that flows very well from line to line.
It also has a good pace.
Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 17-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2024
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Thank you for your review and rating! 😊
Comment from Shirley Ann Bunyan
Hi Patrick,
I consider this work to be outstanding. You address a subject that may be considered taboo in some quarters. So, there's your first merit mark. You have total control over the words you use which fall into perfect place like slaves from your pen. Your reviews barely mention the brilliant technical achievement of this, building a logical, intelligent, passionate poem using the abab etc rhyme scheme seamlessly whilst also incorporating some silky alliteration. This is a skill so often overlooked and so rarely even seen. Too often poems are reviewed on their subject matter, not their formation or quality.
Can you guess I liked it?
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2024
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Hi Patrick,
I consider this work to be outstanding. You address a subject that may be considered taboo in some quarters. So, there's your first merit mark. You have total control over the words you use which fall into perfect place like slaves from your pen. Your reviews barely mention the brilliant technical achievement of this, building a logical, intelligent, passionate poem using the abab etc rhyme scheme seamlessly whilst also incorporating some silky alliteration. This is a skill so often overlooked and so rarely even seen. Too often poems are reviewed on their subject matter, not their formation or quality.
Can you guess I liked it?
Comment Written 17-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2024
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Hello Shirley!
Wow, what an incredible review! I so much appreciate you talking about the technical aspects--the conventions used and forms employed. You are absolutely right that these aspects of the craft are seldom discussed, although I love any review, regardless of what a reviewer chooses to focus on.
The fact that a woman enjoying her orgasm could be considered taboo nails the entire point of the poem. It certainly should not be the case, but alas, too many of the world's institutions have demonized this natural right of all women. I believe it has been done in a patriarchal society simply to control her and limit her political power. Granted, this extension of the poem's meaning is certainly up for debate.
Anyway, thank you so much again for your review and rating! I shall be back to visit your excellent poetry just as soon as I can!
Patrick
Comment from EeanBlack
All desires are called sins. I have never understood how we can, as men, do very despicable things and just excuse them because we are men. If a woman does something that makes her feel good, she's a whore. I know it's your job to confuse me with your words, but the beauty of it is still there. A guy like me can write a poem. You write poetry. I'm not jealous, but I am a bit embarrassed when I compare my work to yours.
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2024
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All desires are called sins. I have never understood how we can, as men, do very despicable things and just excuse them because we are men. If a woman does something that makes her feel good, she's a whore. I know it's your job to confuse me with your words, but the beauty of it is still there. A guy like me can write a poem. You write poetry. I'm not jealous, but I am a bit embarrassed when I compare my work to yours.
Comment Written 16-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2024
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Wow, thank you for this high praise for me and the poem! But I still think you have great potential yourself as a poet. Just sayin'. 😉
Comment from DonandVicki
A well constructed Quatrain, This speaks to me of a deep love/ lust. The serpent takes me back to the image of the garden of Eden, the garden of delights. Well written.
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2024
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A well constructed Quatrain, This speaks to me of a deep love/ lust. The serpent takes me back to the image of the garden of Eden, the garden of delights. Well written.
Comment Written 16-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2024
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Thank you for your comments and rating! Yeah, the imagery of the Garden is all over the poem. 😊
Comment from Gayla putnam
I am intriqued by your poem. I'm not sure if I understand it completely. I like some of the lines; they are chillingly descriptive. *The scaly scalding skin and venom-spits" pulled me right in. The picture is excellent as a visual tool. I had to look up the word chantries so I learned something too. gayla
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2024
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I am intriqued by your poem. I'm not sure if I understand it completely. I like some of the lines; they are chillingly descriptive. *The scaly scalding skin and venom-spits" pulled me right in. The picture is excellent as a visual tool. I had to look up the word chantries so I learned something too. gayla
Comment Written 16-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2024
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Thank you so much, Gayla! I really appreciate you taking the time to comment and rate the poem. 😊