The Last Straw
Their first and final date. (150 words)30 total reviews
Comment from Ken Brody
Cute ending, not much of a plot. Bored to death? Really? Could Carol not steer the conversation a bit? Change the subject? Did she agree to go on this date or was she forced? These elements would enhance the story.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
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Cute ending, not much of a plot. Bored to death? Really? Could Carol not steer the conversation a bit? Change the subject? Did she agree to go on this date or was she forced? These elements would enhance the story.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 22-Dec-2023
Comment from Pearl Edwards
Congratulations on the contest win Lisa and on a great little story of a boring first daye. The coma was a good description to suck us in to one way of expecting the story to go, then that loud slurp.� very good storytelling.
Cheers
Valda
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Congratulations on the contest win Lisa and on a great little story of a boring first daye. The coma was a good description to suck us in to one way of expecting the story to go, then that loud slurp.� very good storytelling.
Cheers
Valda
Comment Written 22-Sep-2023
Comment from Paul McFarland
Congratulations, Lisamay, on your win. I thought I had something that might do okay, but you got me. Maybe next time. I didn't quite understand the connection with the picture.
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2023
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Congratulations, Lisamay, on your win. I thought I had something that might do okay, but you got me. Maybe next time. I didn't quite understand the connection with the picture.
Comment Written 22-Sep-2023
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2023
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Thanks for your review, Paul. The illustration was to mislead readers into a first impression... connecting with the cold and frozen phrases in the story so the ending was more surprising.
Comment from dragonpoet
Hi Lisa,
This is a good ironically metaphoric poem about a bad first date. It sounds like he talked the whole date, probably about how great he was,
I like the buried in snow metaphor. It sounds like she was lucky to live through that date. I like how she purposely did something bad to end the date.
Keep writing and stay healthy
Congrats on winning the contest.
Enjoy your weekend
Joan
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Hi Lisa,
This is a good ironically metaphoric poem about a bad first date. It sounds like he talked the whole date, probably about how great he was,
I like the buried in snow metaphor. It sounds like she was lucky to live through that date. I like how she purposely did something bad to end the date.
Keep writing and stay healthy
Congrats on winning the contest.
Enjoy your weekend
Joan
Comment Written 22-Sep-2023
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
I had to read it twice to appreciate it, and the image you used certainly throws the reader off. Good job with the lead up to the surprise ending, and hiding that ending until, well, the end!
Congratulations on your win. Well deserved.
xo
Pam
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I had to read it twice to appreciate it, and the image you used certainly throws the reader off. Good job with the lead up to the surprise ending, and hiding that ending until, well, the end!
Congratulations on your win. Well deserved.
xo
Pam
Comment Written 22-Sep-2023
Comment from Contests
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 A contest winning entry! A seven star rating from the Contest Committee for posting the winning contest entry. |
Comment Written 22-Sep-2023
Comment from CrystieCookie999
This kept my attention without doubt from beginning to end. I must admit, I was alarmed by the first two sentences, because one of the most notorious serial killers in American history went on a spree in my home state about 50 years ago, and his name was Ted (Bundy). So it was a welcome twist to read the ending and how you developed it all. Very nicely done. Sorry I am out of sixes this late in the week.
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This kept my attention without doubt from beginning to end. I must admit, I was alarmed by the first two sentences, because one of the most notorious serial killers in American history went on a spree in my home state about 50 years ago, and his name was Ted (Bundy). So it was a welcome twist to read the ending and how you developed it all. Very nicely done. Sorry I am out of sixes this late in the week.
Comment Written 15-Sep-2023
Comment from patcelaw
I enjoyed this flash fiction very much. The punch line at the end was really good. I can't imagine going out on a date for you would want to take and make noise. He drinks just to get rid of a date that you was going to be very boring. I enjoyed the story a great deal. Patricia.
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2023
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I enjoyed this flash fiction very much. The punch line at the end was really good. I can't imagine going out on a date for you would want to take and make noise. He drinks just to get rid of a date that you was going to be very boring. I enjoyed the story a great deal. Patricia.
Comment Written 14-Sep-2023
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2023
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Thanks for your comments Patricia. I'm pleased you enjoyed reading my story.
Comment from LJbutterfly
I enjoyed this creative flash fiction. You start by telling us it's Carol's first date, but the fact that it is life-threatening, changes the trajectory of the readers thoughts. Being bored to death was a humorous twist. Best wishes in the contest.
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I enjoyed this creative flash fiction. You start by telling us it's Carol's first date, but the fact that it is life-threatening, changes the trajectory of the readers thoughts. Being bored to death was a humorous twist. Best wishes in the contest.
Comment Written 12-Sep-2023
Comment from Michele Harber
You're a conniving little devil. I knew the photo was too obvious to be what the story was about, but you did have me guessing. To your credit, none of my guesses included finishing a vanilla milkshake in time to escape a bad date. As always, I enjoy your sense of humor. Good luck in the contest.
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You're a conniving little devil. I knew the photo was too obvious to be what the story was about, but you did have me guessing. To your credit, none of my guesses included finishing a vanilla milkshake in time to escape a bad date. As always, I enjoy your sense of humor. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 12-Sep-2023