The Quaffel Feather
An Old-Fashioned Fairy Tale68 total reviews
Comment from WRITER1
A wonderful story, I enjoyed reading. The eyes of the beholder is the key here. If you are not beautiful inside you can never be truly beautiful outside. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2009
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A wonderful story, I enjoyed reading. The eyes of the beholder is the key here. If you are not beautiful inside you can never be truly beautiful outside. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 06-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2009
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Thanks for the great review. :-)
Jani
Comment from SolarMagnet
wizard, Zorn tugged (, Zorn,)
The king's daughters (King's)
I know that an elf was required but, the King's elf? Do kings have elves. A throne, a scepter, an elf? I will continue.
No, past that, this story has me baffled. I'll read again.
I have no problem knowing he's reading the parchment, but it sounds a bit like he's reading his beard in the beginning.
There's is no purpose to the second daughter, Heaven. It's like a half-baked morality tale. I mean, Shrek, we saw it.
Might want to tell people what a Quafell is. It's not a dragon or something common in monsterland.
Your troll comment is interesting.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2009
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wizard, Zorn tugged (, Zorn,)
The king's daughters (King's)
I know that an elf was required but, the King's elf? Do kings have elves. A throne, a scepter, an elf? I will continue.
No, past that, this story has me baffled. I'll read again.
I have no problem knowing he's reading the parchment, but it sounds a bit like he's reading his beard in the beginning.
There's is no purpose to the second daughter, Heaven. It's like a half-baked morality tale. I mean, Shrek, we saw it.
Might want to tell people what a Quafell is. It's not a dragon or something common in monsterland.
Your troll comment is interesting.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 06-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2009
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I corrected the missing comma but you are incorrect about the word king. Thanks for the review.
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I have to be right once, you have King, then you have king. Either one shouldn't be capped, or one should be.
Comment from ryanlion
a very enjoyable fairytale, probably the first one i have read sonce i was a sweet little boy, a long time ago.the characters were good and it was a very traditional fairytale, with a neat twist at the end
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2009
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a very enjoyable fairytale, probably the first one i have read sonce i was a sweet little boy, a long time ago.the characters were good and it was a very traditional fairytale, with a neat twist at the end
Comment Written 06-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2009
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Thanks for the great review. :-)
Jani
Comment from dcervantes
A sweet and delightful story. One a parent might tell as a bedtime story to a child and convey an important message as well. I apologize, if there are any spelling errors,I failed to catch them. Structure, characterization and dialogue all well done.
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2009
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A sweet and delightful story. One a parent might tell as a bedtime story to a child and convey an important message as well. I apologize, if there are any spelling errors,I failed to catch them. Structure, characterization and dialogue all well done.
Comment Written 06-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2009
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Thanks for the great review. :-)
Jani
Comment from C Ann
You picked the perfect picture! I wrote down a few things that gave me pause. Nice job.
-What will become of the princesses? At least, of Hilda?"
I wasn't sure what these sentences meant, and if the last part should be a new sentence?
-While Heaven's days were filled with days in the court, and many suitors, ..maybe use a different word for one of the "days" here
-Legend has it, a golden-tailed Quafell swooped the wedding party, showering Llort and Hilda with thousands of diamonds so perfect they left the kingdom behind for Heaven and her future beau, and moved away to parts unknown (I got a bit lost here. They left the kingdom because they could afford to?)
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2009
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You picked the perfect picture! I wrote down a few things that gave me pause. Nice job.
-What will become of the princesses? At least, of Hilda?"
I wasn't sure what these sentences meant, and if the last part should be a new sentence?
-While Heaven's days were filled with days in the court, and many suitors, ..maybe use a different word for one of the "days" here
-Legend has it, a golden-tailed Quafell swooped the wedding party, showering Llort and Hilda with thousands of diamonds so perfect they left the kingdom behind for Heaven and her future beau, and moved away to parts unknown (I got a bit lost here. They left the kingdom because they could afford to?)
Comment Written 06-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2009
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They left the kingdom, because people judged Hilda by her looks instead of her heart, as I mentioned earlier in the story. Thanks for the review.
Jani
Comment from jmyron
Llort the troll, eh? Well anyway, the story is predictable, but fun. I too wrote a short story from a dream, but it wasn't nearly so fun. In fact it was a horror story, and I don't even like horror! It's called 'The Grove.'
John
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2009
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Llort the troll, eh? Well anyway, the story is predictable, but fun. I too wrote a short story from a dream, but it wasn't nearly so fun. In fact it was a horror story, and I don't even like horror! It's called 'The Grove.'
John
Comment Written 06-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2009
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Thanks for the great review. :-)
Jani
Comment from mmichelle97219
I liked it. Its complete, but a little sparce. Okay I know word requirements, and now when the contest is over you can go back and do it properly with all the twists and turns, action and adventure such a story demands, jan. good luck in the voting booth.
Michelle
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2009
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I liked it. Its complete, but a little sparce. Okay I know word requirements, and now when the contest is over you can go back and do it properly with all the twists and turns, action and adventure such a story demands, jan. good luck in the voting booth.
Michelle
Comment Written 06-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2009
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SIgh. You say plump it up, and Nescher says thin it out! I give up. :-) Thanks for the review.
Jani
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I was just thinking that this would make an excellent children's novel. Especially when all the personalities come out, throw in some danger, a quest etc...
Michelle
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That is actually a fabulous idea. :-) I will consider it very seriously!
Jani
Comment from nora arjuna
Hi Jan, I found no nits or spelling errors. And main thing is I enjoyed the story. I got scenes and odd looking creatures in my head, and of course a handsome hero. Good luck!
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2009
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Hi Jan, I found no nits or spelling errors. And main thing is I enjoyed the story. I got scenes and odd looking creatures in my head, and of course a handsome hero. Good luck!
Comment Written 06-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2009
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Thanks for the great review. :-)
Jani
Comment from sibhus
Seems like your dream gave you a great little story, with a great message that anyone and any age can learn from. This was great story that was a treat to read. I really liked the whimsical feel to it. Good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2009
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Seems like your dream gave you a great little story, with a great message that anyone and any age can learn from. This was great story that was a treat to read. I really liked the whimsical feel to it. Good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 06-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2009
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Thanks for the great review. :-)
Jani
Comment from joelh605
SPAG:
ALL FIXED UP. Good job.
=-=-=
His faithful wizard, Zorn tugged on his wooly beard, held it to the light,
Commas are falling out of fashion, and you've got an instance where you are about to drop two of them - - but only let go of one. Either add a comma after Zorn [[ so many in this sentence already!! This is flash fiction? :-) ]] or evict the one just before.
CONSTRUCTION:
tugged on his wooly beard, held it to the light, and read,
The prior para says "parchment" but here it almost seems Zorn is holding to the light, and reading,.... his beard!
TYPO:
Zorn sighed. "He won't make it through the night, but his daughters and kingdom will remain in our care until the Quafell"
and again
Even if a suitor slays the hideous troll who guards his treasure, the Quafell
Spelling Quafell / Quaffel
OK - your spell checker will run in a few hours, but will it notice the difference between Quafell and Quaffel?
Good work all 'round: fix these and I'll re-rate.
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2009
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SPAG:
ALL FIXED UP. Good job.
=-=-=
His faithful wizard, Zorn tugged on his wooly beard, held it to the light,
Commas are falling out of fashion, and you've got an instance where you are about to drop two of them - - but only let go of one. Either add a comma after Zorn [[ so many in this sentence already!! This is flash fiction? :-) ]] or evict the one just before.
CONSTRUCTION:
tugged on his wooly beard, held it to the light, and read,
The prior para says "parchment" but here it almost seems Zorn is holding to the light, and reading,.... his beard!
TYPO:
Zorn sighed. "He won't make it through the night, but his daughters and kingdom will remain in our care until the Quafell"
and again
Even if a suitor slays the hideous troll who guards his treasure, the Quafell
Spelling Quafell / Quaffel
OK - your spell checker will run in a few hours, but will it notice the difference between Quafell and Quaffel?
Good work all 'round: fix these and I'll re-rate.
Comment Written 06-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 10-Aug-2009
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Thank you so much, Gil. That will teach me to post stories at one in the morning, won't it? I've made the corrections.
Really appreciate the review!
Jani
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Hi - on vacation, no time, but will cough up the star in a couple of days.
