Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 31 "Maya Moon"Murder Mystery
57 total reviews
Comment from Norbanus
A moment of dispair is fast approaching for Matthew Buell when he learns what has happened to his father. One has to wonder what does someone want with his eyes. A retinal scan security system, perhaps?
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2013
  |
A moment of dispair is fast approaching for Matthew Buell when he learns what has happened to his father. One has to wonder what does someone want with his eyes. A retinal scan security system, perhaps?
Comment Written 09-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2013
-
Thanks so much, Norbanus.
Comment from AprilShower
Hi, Bev.
This chapter left me confused. I'll attempt to show why.
A surgeon was mentioned. Is there a surgeon involved in this murder? Will we find out who he is and how he is connected to these crimes? For a moment I thought he was a medical examiner.
Also, the thoughts were not in the paragraphs of the person who had them.
Why two paragraphs for the thoughts below? (shouldn't they be in the paragraph of the person who is having them? When I pasted them here, they didn't paste in italic print.
The news is a game-changer.
First step, corroborate the story. Second step, invite Father Brian down the station for a not-so-friendly chat.
*************************************************
Below is another example of a thought off by itself:
Severing the six ocular muscles of the right eye, he lifted the organ with forceps and dropped it into the specimen container. He packed the orifice with surgical sponges and moved to detach the second eye. When he was satisfied there was no further seepage from the empty sockets, he removed the gauze and cauterized the wounds. The surgeon stepped back and grinned with satisfaction as he surveyed his workmanship.
My best work yet. (Italic print. Shouldn't this be in the paragraph above?)
I know you'll clarify this. So I'll give the five stars now.
Hugs, April
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2013
|
Hi, Bev.
This chapter left me confused. I'll attempt to show why.
A surgeon was mentioned. Is there a surgeon involved in this murder? Will we find out who he is and how he is connected to these crimes? For a moment I thought he was a medical examiner.
Also, the thoughts were not in the paragraphs of the person who had them.
Why two paragraphs for the thoughts below? (shouldn't they be in the paragraph of the person who is having them? When I pasted them here, they didn't paste in italic print.
The news is a game-changer.
First step, corroborate the story. Second step, invite Father Brian down the station for a not-so-friendly chat.
*************************************************
Below is another example of a thought off by itself:
Severing the six ocular muscles of the right eye, he lifted the organ with forceps and dropped it into the specimen container. He packed the orifice with surgical sponges and moved to detach the second eye. When he was satisfied there was no further seepage from the empty sockets, he removed the gauze and cauterized the wounds. The surgeon stepped back and grinned with satisfaction as he surveyed his workmanship.
My best work yet. (Italic print. Shouldn't this be in the paragraph above?)
I know you'll clarify this. So I'll give the five stars now.
Hugs, April
Comment Written 09-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2013
-
Sorry the chapter was confusing, April. I'll certainly take a look at those areas you mention.
Thanks for sharing you insights.
Bev
Comment from Righteous Riter
This story is exciting from the beginning. The writer does a good job of keeping the pace up and exciting with fiery words and actions. The writer heightens the suspense of the reader by emerging new details. The transition between events. This story has good balance as the writer does a good job of leading the reader to a well expected ending. Good work.
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2013
|
This story is exciting from the beginning. The writer does a good job of keeping the pace up and exciting with fiery words and actions. The writer heightens the suspense of the reader by emerging new details. The transition between events. This story has good balance as the writer does a good job of leading the reader to a well expected ending. Good work.
Comment Written 09-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2013
-
Hi, Righteous Riter. Thanks so much for this generous and gracious review. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Karen Payton Holt
Hi, Bev, great post...full of active verbs and non-verbal communication.
I have a couple of thoughts, but they are just that...
The man invading Sheriff Derek Oleson's personal space jabbed his forefinger into the detective's sternum, [further compounding his error.< do you need this, think it is punchier without it?]
Derek flattened his lips into a straight line and stepped back.
A slow-spreading flush moved from Aaron's neck to this scalp when he saw Derek's checkmate smile.< Brilliant line, brilliant.
He longed to put his fist through something, anything. Instead, he cleared his mind of emotion.[ and gained control.< again..do you need this bit?]
Fritz Buell's naked body lay on the gurney needing no protection against the cold of the sealed room. His face showed signs of a violent, deadly struggle.
He ripped off the gloves he was wearing and adjusted it..
Great post, progressed the story on leaves me wanting more.
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2013
|
Hi, Bev, great post...full of active verbs and non-verbal communication.
I have a couple of thoughts, but they are just that...
The man invading Sheriff Derek Oleson's personal space jabbed his forefinger into the detective's sternum, [further compounding his error.< do you need this, think it is punchier without it?]
Derek flattened his lips into a straight line and stepped back.
A slow-spreading flush moved from Aaron's neck to this scalp when he saw Derek's checkmate smile.< Brilliant line, brilliant.
He longed to put his fist through something, anything. Instead, he cleared his mind of emotion.[ and gained control.< again..do you need this bit?]
Fritz Buell's naked body lay on the gurney needing no protection against the cold of the sealed room. His face showed signs of a violent, deadly struggle.
He ripped off the gloves he was wearing and adjusted it..
Great post, progressed the story on leaves me wanting more.
Comment Written 09-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2013
-
Hiya, Karen. Thanks so much for this awesome review. I think you suggestions are good ones, so thanks for that as well. So appreciate it, my friend.
-
Hi, Bev, the last line was chopped again in my message! Gonna try here...He ripped off the gloves he wore: We know he's wearing gloves and this is passive, so maybe, [He tore away the latex membrane of his gloves, and adjusted it....]
Comment from Slythytove2
The plot thickens with a surprise in the offing, who could want anything more. Only found the single typo near the beginning "...telegraphed a warning(to)his employees.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2013
 |
The plot thickens with a surprise in the offing, who could want anything more. Only found the single typo near the beginning "...telegraphed a warning(to)his employees.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 09-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2013
-
Thanks for reviewing!
Comment from Maureen's Pen
Oh my !! It's daylight, and I am still needing a pillow or a strong firefighter to hide behind. That was horrid and well, yuck. Dark insanity and such imagery made me go green I can tell you. Wow, ok excellent skill writing this one, especially around the part I don't want to think of again.
Except to say next time I am grabbing me a pillow. Such a real sense of darkness and surgical knowing it made it a horrid horror moment.
Thanks for turning my stomach green.
Maureen
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2013
|
Oh my !! It's daylight, and I am still needing a pillow or a strong firefighter to hide behind. That was horrid and well, yuck. Dark insanity and such imagery made me go green I can tell you. Wow, ok excellent skill writing this one, especially around the part I don't want to think of again.
Except to say next time I am grabbing me a pillow. Such a real sense of darkness and surgical knowing it made it a horrid horror moment.
Thanks for turning my stomach green.
Maureen
Comment Written 09-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2013
-
I'm sorry, Maureen. I do appreciate your getting through the chapter, being the trooper you are. Seriously, this stuff isn't for everyone. I've tried to keep the horror to a minimum, but serial killers generally get more barbaric with every kill.
Much appreciate your generosity and support, my friend, all things considered.
Big hug!
Bev
-
LOL Yeah I am sure they are the sickest kind of killers. But gosh girl you pen it with skill:D
-
Gosh, thanks Maureen. XXXoo Bev
Comment from Patrick G Cox
Hi Writingfundimension,
The PI in this case os one of those people I would love to see come a real cropper and destroy himself - preferably right after being exposed as a pompous little prat with an over inflated opinion of his own abilities.
Interesting revelation about the priest's background though and the scene in the mortuary is chilling, both in the details and in what it reveals about the murderer - his 'panic' when he realises that his instrument tray is set too low for instance. To me that spells some one obsessive at least.
Patrick
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2013
|
Hi Writingfundimension,
The PI in this case os one of those people I would love to see come a real cropper and destroy himself - preferably right after being exposed as a pompous little prat with an over inflated opinion of his own abilities.
Interesting revelation about the priest's background though and the scene in the mortuary is chilling, both in the details and in what it reveals about the murderer - his 'panic' when he realises that his instrument tray is set too low for instance. To me that spells some one obsessive at least.
Patrick
Comment Written 09-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2013
-
You are right on target, Patrick. Though, I've worked for surgeons and they are a uniquely compulsive breed. I'm glad my P.I. came across as a jerk. That was my intention.
Appreciate your time and encouragement, my friend.
Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
OMG - what sort of person is this
who not only murders his victims
but now removes the eyes -- such
a build up of tension in this chapter,
Bev - Derek has a job to keep his cool.
Suggestions - just ignore if not in agreement, my friend.
Derek('s) voice was even
But I am by nature a deal maker; and when necessary, a ball breaker."- I can't see why you would need a semi-colon --
But I am by nature a deal maker and, when necessary, a ball breaker."
I've been executing - suggest move up to Noff delayed.
Derek watched the - and this a new line
Monsignor Lewis Flaherty.(")
Second step(,) invite Father
Most enjoyable, my friend.
Margaret
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2013
|
OMG - what sort of person is this
who not only murders his victims
but now removes the eyes -- such
a build up of tension in this chapter,
Bev - Derek has a job to keep his cool.
Suggestions - just ignore if not in agreement, my friend.
Derek('s) voice was even
But I am by nature a deal maker; and when necessary, a ball breaker."- I can't see why you would need a semi-colon --
But I am by nature a deal maker and, when necessary, a ball breaker."
I've been executing - suggest move up to Noff delayed.
Derek watched the - and this a new line
Monsignor Lewis Flaherty.(")
Second step(,) invite Father
Most enjoyable, my friend.
Margaret
Comment Written 09-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2013
-
Margaret, thank you so much for this great review and your excellent suggestions. Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Well, that's twist, harvesting body parts. I hadn't expected that; very orginal. I like this story and your are doing a good job with it. I
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2013
|
Well, that's twist, harvesting body parts. I hadn't expected that; very orginal. I like this story and your are doing a good job with it. I
Comment Written 09-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2013
-
Thank you, barbara. I appreciate the generous review. :0) Bev
Comment from JW
This is a well written chapter that easily hold's a reader's interest. The hook at the end makes one wonder what is going to happen next.
Though quite fitting, I noticed you used the expression, Goddammit.
This is one of few words, I will never use in anything I write. JW
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2013
|
This is a well written chapter that easily hold's a reader's interest. The hook at the end makes one wonder what is going to happen next.
Though quite fitting, I noticed you used the expression, Goddammit.
This is one of few words, I will never use in anything I write. JW
Comment Written 09-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2013
-
Thank you, Jonathon. I really appreciate your gracious review. Warm regards, Bev