Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 13 "Owaka Moon, Part 1"Murder Mystery
48 total reviews
Comment from Gungalo
Wow girl. Been awhile since I checked on you and it looks as if you didn't need any help at all. LOL. This story is zooming right along. Though I admit to being a bit lost I can still tell a good story from a bad one. You are very good.
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2012
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Wow girl. Been awhile since I checked on you and it looks as if you didn't need any help at all. LOL. This story is zooming right along. Though I admit to being a bit lost I can still tell a good story from a bad one. You are very good.
Comment Written 15-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2012
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Hi, Gungalo. It's been a bit since my last chapter. I'm going to try to get them out a little closer together. We still only have one victim, but Eddie is ready to go after number two - one of the fellas he's watching.
Thank you for bearing with me through the confusion. I really appreciate your generosity and support, G. Warmest regards, Bev
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Have no fear girl, I love ya.
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Aw, love ya back!
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MUAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
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:0)))
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Sigh!!
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, writingfundimension, you did a great job writing this chapter where debra's friends find out she was murdered and the busdriver feels threatened by his rider.
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2012
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this is very well written, writingfundimension, you did a great job writing this chapter where debra's friends find out she was murdered and the busdriver feels threatened by his rider.
Comment Written 15-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2012
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Thank you so much, sweet. I'm going to try to keep these chapters closer together to avoid some confusion.
Thanks, as always, for your continued support. Means a lot. Bev
Comment from Adri7enne
"The small amount of warmth consigned by the sun through the window behind him went unnoticed." A tad overwritten. I'd simplify. Elmore Leonard, in his "Rules of Writing" says: "If it reads like writing, rewrite it."
"Take another bus, you freak." Switch of POV, from the blind man to the bus driver. Not allowed! LOL!
You had totally hooked, but I seem to have read it before. Why would that be?
Well done, Bev.
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2012
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"The small amount of warmth consigned by the sun through the window behind him went unnoticed." A tad overwritten. I'd simplify. Elmore Leonard, in his "Rules of Writing" says: "If it reads like writing, rewrite it."
"Take another bus, you freak." Switch of POV, from the blind man to the bus driver. Not allowed! LOL!
You had totally hooked, but I seem to have read it before. Why would that be?
Well done, Bev.
Comment Written 15-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2012
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Thanks for a helpful review, Adrienne. I don't know why it seems familiar, it's not been posted before. Thanks for the interest and support, my friend. Bev
Comment from abbasjoy
This is a great chapter with a lot of detail describing Stanley's reaction to the news of his friend's murder.His mood is in direct contrast to that of his friends and their camaraderie. Until they realize what has happened and then their response is sympathetic to Stanley.
The last section when Eddie gets on the bus and sits behind Greg the bus driver, sets the scene for something bizarre about to take place, especially knowing that Greg is not really blind and is actually having such weird thoughts about Greg.
Great write!
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2012
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This is a great chapter with a lot of detail describing Stanley's reaction to the news of his friend's murder.His mood is in direct contrast to that of his friends and their camaraderie. Until they realize what has happened and then their response is sympathetic to Stanley.
The last section when Eddie gets on the bus and sits behind Greg the bus driver, sets the scene for something bizarre about to take place, especially knowing that Greg is not really blind and is actually having such weird thoughts about Greg.
Great write!
Comment Written 15-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2012
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Thank you, abbasjoy. What a generous and supportive review! And I am so happy that you liked the chapter. I really appreciate your interest and generosity. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from xxjsfuncxxxity
Great chapter with a great story well told. Perfect balance of humor and building suspense. Loved the description, the character patting the air to reassure the woman. That's showing! Great stuff. Really enjoy the easy, casual dialogue. A real good ear for that. Very powerful, creepy ending. You know instinctively just where to leave it off, thereby building interest to read the next one. Well done!
Thought the glossary was a bit unnecessary, albeit humorous. Especially this bit... "McDonald's: International chain of fast-food restaurants.'' Really? Never heard of that one!
I wish! haha!!
cheers
js
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2012
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Great chapter with a great story well told. Perfect balance of humor and building suspense. Loved the description, the character patting the air to reassure the woman. That's showing! Great stuff. Really enjoy the easy, casual dialogue. A real good ear for that. Very powerful, creepy ending. You know instinctively just where to leave it off, thereby building interest to read the next one. Well done!
Thought the glossary was a bit unnecessary, albeit humorous. Especially this bit... "McDonald's: International chain of fast-food restaurants.'' Really? Never heard of that one!
I wish! haha!!
cheers
js
Comment Written 15-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2012
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You're too funny, js. I know it seems silly, but I've learned to err on the side of stupid LOL. I am really thrilled with your review and your encouraging words for my writing. Coming from someone whose writing I admire, that's always especially nice. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from RazberryBullet
Got a chuckle here: Her dad's been known to lose his cool in traffic and drop the f-bomb, so she's heard worse." ;p
Whoa, ugly ending with the so-called blind man!
suggestions:...Stanley yelled back as he held /unto>on to/ the door frame...Dropping /unto>on to/ the padded seat of a corner booth...(")My only thought was to go to the rectory to see if Father Brian had any information. Though I rang the bell a dozen times, the only sound I heard was the barking of a dog.(")
Good job!
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2012
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Got a chuckle here: Her dad's been known to lose his cool in traffic and drop the f-bomb, so she's heard worse." ;p
Whoa, ugly ending with the so-called blind man!
suggestions:...Stanley yelled back as he held /unto>on to/ the door frame...Dropping /unto>on to/ the padded seat of a corner booth...(")My only thought was to go to the rectory to see if Father Brian had any information. Though I rang the bell a dozen times, the only sound I heard was the barking of a dog.(")
Good job!
Comment Written 15-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2012
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Hi, Raz. Thanks for the great review and suggested corrections. I appreciate the support and sharp eye! Bev
Comment from Rob Caudle
Hey, Bev, it just keeps moving along. Another batch of characters, old retired guys and poor Stanley. We find the suspect pretending to be blind you have a real talent for creating the bad guy. A talent from you hubby profession I would guess. Well done only one little to do the following bit needs to be separated from Stanley dialogue otherwise this was another stellar write. I love the book as always anxious for more hope you had a great weekend.
Move this down
A young woman with a toddler under one arm and two bags of food clutched to her chest rushed to his side. "I saw what happened. Are you okay, mister? You're white as a ghost."
Guess I am out of sixers but you know I think your work is worthy of publication.
Rob
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reply by the author on 15-Jul-2012
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Hey, Bev, it just keeps moving along. Another batch of characters, old retired guys and poor Stanley. We find the suspect pretending to be blind you have a real talent for creating the bad guy. A talent from you hubby profession I would guess. Well done only one little to do the following bit needs to be separated from Stanley dialogue otherwise this was another stellar write. I love the book as always anxious for more hope you had a great weekend.
Move this down
A young woman with a toddler under one arm and two bags of food clutched to her chest rushed to his side. "I saw what happened. Are you okay, mister? You're white as a ghost."
Guess I am out of sixers but you know I think your work is worthy of publication.
Rob
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 15-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2012
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Hi, Rob. I totally appreciate your wonderful and generous review. You are one of the people that I always enjoy hearing from. Thank you for being such a solid support. Correcting the section - good thinking. Warmest regards, Bev
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I look every day for the next bit.
Comment from RaymondJohn
Excellent write with tremendous forward movement. You use detail well, and you maintain the tension for the entire chapter. Very fine write. Ray.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2012
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Excellent write with tremendous forward movement. You use detail well, and you maintain the tension for the entire chapter. Very fine write. Ray.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 15-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2012
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Ray, thank you so very much! I really appreciate your generous review as well as your gracious words of support. Warm regards, Bev