A Fly on the Wall
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "A Fly on the Wall"A journal musings and assessments about situations
31 total reviews
Comment from LisaMay
Hi sis, it looks like this will be an interesting collection of life snippets.
It's always interesting to hear 2 experiences of the same activity; so often they are contradictory. I loved the details, from smoke to spiders to packing the car etc.
There's a sentence in the paragraph beginning with "All these examples....that is so stuffed with commas I tripped over all the mental pauses. You write in a very conversational manner, and while all those commas are technically correct, they inhibit smooth reading. I suggest a major pruning job for more natural breathing, to end up with: "Two days earlier her mom, a dear friend of mine, had told me over coffee about the trip, too, but had I not known it was the same excursion, never in a million years would I have guessed it as such."
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reply by the author on 12-Apr-2019
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Hi sis, it looks like this will be an interesting collection of life snippets.
It's always interesting to hear 2 experiences of the same activity; so often they are contradictory. I loved the details, from smoke to spiders to packing the car etc.
There's a sentence in the paragraph beginning with "All these examples....that is so stuffed with commas I tripped over all the mental pauses. You write in a very conversational manner, and while all those commas are technically correct, they inhibit smooth reading. I suggest a major pruning job for more natural breathing, to end up with: "Two days earlier her mom, a dear friend of mine, had told me over coffee about the trip, too, but had I not known it was the same excursion, never in a million years would I have guessed it as such."
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 12-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2019
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I see what you're saying and agree completely. Thanks, Sis. I always appreciate that you have my back and make me better at this craft. xo