This Time - That Time 3
Viewing comments for Chapter 27 "Tommy To The Rescue"Third book in the time travel trilogy
41 total reviews
Comment from Rob Caudle
Sandra another riveting addition to you book. You've left us hanging once again, The shadows cast on the walls was a great bit and added to the overall chaos in the tunnel once again very well done. Thanks for letting Tommy save Mildred.
Rob
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2019
  |
Sandra another riveting addition to you book. You've left us hanging once again, The shadows cast on the walls was a great bit and added to the overall chaos in the tunnel once again very well done. Thanks for letting Tommy save Mildred.
Rob
Comment Written 28-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2019
-
Thank you so very much, Rob, for this lovely review and all those shiny stars!! I think Mildred was pleased Tommy saved her, too. :)) Big hugs, my friend. Sandra xx
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Sandra. This chapter does not lack for acttion, does it? LOL
I like your images that tend to move the story along, like this one for instance:
" The screech and grind of metal on metal were sounds from hell that made me turn my head to look upwards and watch the roof start to buckle, squashing the sides of the lift down to fold like a cardboard box while I stared in horrified silence."
And: " People retched and coughed as they tried to clear their throats from the thick dust that must have choked......" And a fantastic hook at the end.
"Because one of the porters volunteered t' go up ahead and see if the passageway was connected t' the underground, like you said ... and it's not good news...."
Bravo! Good job, Sandra. Bob (ps. I am posting a dribble fiction for a contest if you have time. Promise no profanity" LOL)
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2019
 |
Hi, Sandra. This chapter does not lack for acttion, does it? LOL
I like your images that tend to move the story along, like this one for instance:
" The screech and grind of metal on metal were sounds from hell that made me turn my head to look upwards and watch the roof start to buckle, squashing the sides of the lift down to fold like a cardboard box while I stared in horrified silence."
And: " People retched and coughed as they tried to clear their throats from the thick dust that must have choked......" And a fantastic hook at the end.
"Because one of the porters volunteered t' go up ahead and see if the passageway was connected t' the underground, like you said ... and it's not good news...."
Bravo! Good job, Sandra. Bob (ps. I am posting a dribble fiction for a contest if you have time. Promise no profanity" LOL)
Comment Written 28-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2019
-
Thank you so much for this lovely review, Bob! I really appreciate it. And, yes, I'll make sure I read and review your dribble fiction. That is something I've tried to do, but the trouble with mine is they dribble off the page and carry on over the next page!! LOL. Big hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
-
Thank you. :) Bob
-
Thank you. :) Bob
Comment from nancy_e_davis
Oh it sounds as though there is no way out except how they entered. Because one of the porters volunteered t' go up ahead and see if the passageway was connected to the underground, and it's not good news.
It must have been a terrifying ordeal in real life England during WWII. I keep thinking of that as I read your story. I think I like it better when Veronica and Mildred are
both visible and working together. Well done Sandra.
Nancy:)
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2019
|
Oh it sounds as though there is no way out except how they entered. Because one of the porters volunteered t' go up ahead and see if the passageway was connected to the underground, and it's not good news.
It must have been a terrifying ordeal in real life England during WWII. I keep thinking of that as I read your story. I think I like it better when Veronica and Mildred are
both visible and working together. Well done Sandra.
Nancy:)
Comment Written 28-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2019
-
You are like me, I like it when the girls are together, but I know what you mean about them being visible together. It will be happening again. Thank you for another lovely review, my friend. I'm glad you are sticking with me. Big hugs, :)) Sandra xx
Comment from JDRBAR
You can't get any better. You've put your readers plumb smack in the middle of that passageway with all the right reactions. Good job. I felt before, and still do, that Veronica should have made a fast trip through that passageway to be sure it was clear, but now I have to wait and see if it is LOL.
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2019
|
You can't get any better. You've put your readers plumb smack in the middle of that passageway with all the right reactions. Good job. I felt before, and still do, that Veronica should have made a fast trip through that passageway to be sure it was clear, but now I have to wait and see if it is LOL.
Comment Written 28-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2019
-
Thank you so much for the lovely 6 stars, Diane! I'm so pleased you enjoyed this part. It was a tough one. Yes, sorry, you have to wait a few days to find out what's down the passageway, lol. Big hugs, dear friend. :) Sandra xx
Comment from WryWriter
That's the way to keep reader's on the edges of their seat! Whew! Thought Mildred was a goner. Love the way this story is advancing! Some suggestions below for your consideration:
Crushed by tons of metal and rubble from above, it came crashing to the ground. (Reverse these two sentences)
The resulting cloud of dust and smoke made it almost impossible to see,(;) but(,) as I extracted myself from the mangled lift, I could vaguely make out Tommy (Stronger "pause" punctuation to give more time for reader to visualize this terror moment.)
Without a moment to spare, they ran inside,(.) (omit and) (A)as the door was pulled shut behind them, all the lights went out, (omit which made) (making) it impossible for me to see anything else.
But not for long. A spine-chilling roar (omit had/use made) me look up in time to see a ball of flames being sucked down the shaft. I'd heard about back-drafts, but never seen one,(.) (omit and) I never want to see one again. Although it couldn't burn me, I instinctively jumped out the way of the blazing fire,(.) (F)fueled by anything combustible in its (omit way/use path), (it) continued with ravenous speed (omit as it weaved) (weaving) its way down to the basement on its journey of destruction.
The loud rumbles that came from the collapsing building (omit ,) made me wonder how many would have survived if we hadn't (completed) the evacuation in time.
By the time I ran through the door, all hell had let loose as (omit the) patients(, in a state of shock,) were being ushered further down the passageway. (omit tag on- in a state of shock)
People retched and coughed as they tried to clear their throats from the thick dust that (omit must have) choked them before the door was shut
fireproof, but I had to pray that it was(omit ,) because I knew no one would survive if it wasn't.
"MILDRED,(!)" I shouted as I hurried down the passageway(,) looking at everyone (omit as) I passed.
After a few minutes of shouting (omit out) her name, I began to panic.
Something I was sure contributed to the terror of (omit the) children crying for their parents.
When I eventually found Mildred, she was talking to a very happy looking lad (omit ,) who was clutching his father's watch to his chest.
I could see she was shaken, but the Mildred I knew and loved was putting on a brave face. "I'm taking it that everyone managed to get into the passageway before the bombing started. The last I saw was Tommy and you going through the door and it being closed behind you. Then the lights went out. When I made a dash over, I didn't see any stragglers left behind. It would be nice to be sure, though." (Who said this?)
Mildred gave the lad a hug, before turning away from him so she (he?)couldn't see her talking to me. "I reckon we got them all out, Miss Veronica," she muttered under her breath. "So, don't you go worrying none. At least we's safe for now. Tommy's gone t' check on his patients(.)(omit--) (H)he's been worryin' about a couple who's got more serious wounds. When he's done, we's got t' decide what we's goin' t' do next."
I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. The strength of the door that separated all these people from the raging inferno on the other side was still worrying me to death,(.) (omit and) (W) when I put my concerns to Mildred, her eyes widened and her hands shot to her mouth.
"Then(...)we's got a bigger problem than we thought, Miss Veronica!"
"Because one of the porters volunteered t' go (omit up) ahead and see if the passageway was connected t' the underground (omit ,) like you said...and it's not good news...."
Can't wait for the next chapter! : )
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2019
|
That's the way to keep reader's on the edges of their seat! Whew! Thought Mildred was a goner. Love the way this story is advancing! Some suggestions below for your consideration:
Crushed by tons of metal and rubble from above, it came crashing to the ground. (Reverse these two sentences)
The resulting cloud of dust and smoke made it almost impossible to see,(;) but(,) as I extracted myself from the mangled lift, I could vaguely make out Tommy (Stronger "pause" punctuation to give more time for reader to visualize this terror moment.)
Without a moment to spare, they ran inside,(.) (omit and) (A)as the door was pulled shut behind them, all the lights went out, (omit which made) (making) it impossible for me to see anything else.
But not for long. A spine-chilling roar (omit had/use made) me look up in time to see a ball of flames being sucked down the shaft. I'd heard about back-drafts, but never seen one,(.) (omit and) I never want to see one again. Although it couldn't burn me, I instinctively jumped out the way of the blazing fire,(.) (F)fueled by anything combustible in its (omit way/use path), (it) continued with ravenous speed (omit as it weaved) (weaving) its way down to the basement on its journey of destruction.
The loud rumbles that came from the collapsing building (omit ,) made me wonder how many would have survived if we hadn't (completed) the evacuation in time.
By the time I ran through the door, all hell had let loose as (omit the) patients(, in a state of shock,) were being ushered further down the passageway. (omit tag on- in a state of shock)
People retched and coughed as they tried to clear their throats from the thick dust that (omit must have) choked them before the door was shut
fireproof, but I had to pray that it was(omit ,) because I knew no one would survive if it wasn't.
"MILDRED,(!)" I shouted as I hurried down the passageway(,) looking at everyone (omit as) I passed.
After a few minutes of shouting (omit out) her name, I began to panic.
Something I was sure contributed to the terror of (omit the) children crying for their parents.
When I eventually found Mildred, she was talking to a very happy looking lad (omit ,) who was clutching his father's watch to his chest.
I could see she was shaken, but the Mildred I knew and loved was putting on a brave face. "I'm taking it that everyone managed to get into the passageway before the bombing started. The last I saw was Tommy and you going through the door and it being closed behind you. Then the lights went out. When I made a dash over, I didn't see any stragglers left behind. It would be nice to be sure, though." (Who said this?)
Mildred gave the lad a hug, before turning away from him so she (he?)couldn't see her talking to me. "I reckon we got them all out, Miss Veronica," she muttered under her breath. "So, don't you go worrying none. At least we's safe for now. Tommy's gone t' check on his patients(.)(omit--) (H)he's been worryin' about a couple who's got more serious wounds. When he's done, we's got t' decide what we's goin' t' do next."
I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. The strength of the door that separated all these people from the raging inferno on the other side was still worrying me to death,(.) (omit and) (W) when I put my concerns to Mildred, her eyes widened and her hands shot to her mouth.
"Then(...)we's got a bigger problem than we thought, Miss Veronica!"
"Because one of the porters volunteered t' go (omit up) ahead and see if the passageway was connected t' the underground (omit ,) like you said...and it's not good news...."
Can't wait for the next chapter! : )
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 28-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2019
-
Wow, that is a review and a half! Thank you so much for taking all that time to go over this part and offer loads of advice too. I really appreciate that. I've copied and pasted it to my MS Word copy and I'm going to go right through it. Thank you! Big hugs, Sandra xxx
Comment from Ulla
Oh my God Sandra. Does that mean they can't get out. What on earth is to become of them all? This is really bad. This was suspenseful and the words just flowed and I was at the end. Can't wait to see what's next. Just found a minor thing:
Mildred gave the lad a hug, before turning away from him so she couldn't see her talking to me. = ... so he couldn't see her talking to me.
A big hug. Ulla xxx
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2019
|
Oh my God Sandra. Does that mean they can't get out. What on earth is to become of them all? This is really bad. This was suspenseful and the words just flowed and I was at the end. Can't wait to see what's next. Just found a minor thing:
Mildred gave the lad a hug, before turning away from him so she couldn't see her talking to me. = ... so he couldn't see her talking to me.
A big hug. Ulla xxx
Comment Written 28-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2019
-
Thank you so much, Ulla, for the lovely six stars and fabulous review. I found the error and it's been corrected, thanks, dear. I'm glad you enjoyed it. It was a bit shorter this week, it will be back to normal next time. Big hugs, my friend. :))) Sandra xxx
Comment from giraffmang
On the whole, the descriptions in this chapter are superb and heart-wrenching. very realistic. having been a bomb blast, I know exactly what it is like and you did a great job here.
A couple of milliseconds' later, - don't think you need the apostrophe here.
Although it couldn't burn me, I instinctively jumped out the way of the blazing fire, fueled by anything combustible in its way, continued with ravenous speed as it weaved its way down to the basement on its journey of destruction.- this doesn't scan well, when broken down the 'continued' feels out of place.
were being ushered further down the passageway in a state of shock.- usually farther is used for physical distance, although it may be going out of fashion.
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2019
|
On the whole, the descriptions in this chapter are superb and heart-wrenching. very realistic. having been a bomb blast, I know exactly what it is like and you did a great job here.
A couple of milliseconds' later, - don't think you need the apostrophe here.
Although it couldn't burn me, I instinctively jumped out the way of the blazing fire, fueled by anything combustible in its way, continued with ravenous speed as it weaved its way down to the basement on its journey of destruction.- this doesn't scan well, when broken down the 'continued' feels out of place.
were being ushered further down the passageway in a state of shock.- usually farther is used for physical distance, although it may be going out of fashion.
Comment Written 28-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2019
-
That is the most amazing review I've ever had, Gareth, that you find my description of the bomb blast realistic. I've made a change to that sentence. What do you think of it now? I really want it to be perfect. Thank you so much for the six stars, and this wonderful review. I also appreciate the input, it's priceless. Thank you. :)) Sandra xx Edited bit below. I might have to look at it again. :))
But not for long. A spine-chilling roar had me look up in time to see a ball of flames being sucked down the shaft. I?d heard about back-drafts, but never seen one, and I never want to see one again. Although it couldn?t burn me, I instinctively jumped out the way of the blazing fire, fuelled by anything combustible as it ravenously sped its way down to the basement on its journey of destruction.
-
that flows much better
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
You really pump these up high. I don't think you need to, since no on reading this story will every stop! You keep terrifying us more and more with each chapter. That's not nice. STOP IT. I can't take the stress. LOL!
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2019
|
You really pump these up high. I don't think you need to, since no on reading this story will every stop! You keep terrifying us more and more with each chapter. That's not nice. STOP IT. I can't take the stress. LOL!
Comment Written 28-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2019
-
I know, I will take your advice, I see how much you put up, and it doesn't make a bit of difference to me, I'd still read it because I want to regardless if it was 10c of 100c. I guess I haven't been brave enough. Now, back to your stress levels. Are you on Skype? If you are, come on and I'll sing you a soothing lullaby. It'll soon send you to sleep. :))) LOL, It'll calm down a tad soon. Thanks my friend, for the lovely six stars, and the lovely review that gave me a giggle. Big hugs, :))) Sandra xxx
Comment from Douglas Paul
I so wish I had a 6 to give you for this. The action sequence was riveting and the story flowed smoothly. I saw no errors. As usual, you are doing a great job with this story
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2019
|
I so wish I had a 6 to give you for this. The action sequence was riveting and the story flowed smoothly. I saw no errors. As usual, you are doing a great job with this story
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 28-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2019
-
Aw, thank you, Douglas, you are like me, all my 6s went on Sunday, there just isn't enough to go round. I need 6 of them for all the fabulous poets on here, 6 of them for all the short stories, and 6 more for the novelists! I think that would be fair, don't you? I hope Tom reads this, he might think so too!! LOL.
Thank you for the 6 star review, just knowing you've read it is worth loads to me. Big hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xxx
Comment from damommy
Wow! Powerful chapter. I could see, hear, and feel everything in the story. But it's still not over. Someone's outside this bunker-like place checking to see how to continue. Not good, it seems. Are you just intent on giving me a heart attack? lol
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2019
|
Wow! Powerful chapter. I could see, hear, and feel everything in the story. But it's still not over. Someone's outside this bunker-like place checking to see how to continue. Not good, it seems. Are you just intent on giving me a heart attack? lol
Comment Written 28-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2019
-
I have to reply again, lol, or you will stay here forever! Not that that would be a bad thing. Well, you're right, it's still not over, Veronica has to sort this out and then get on with sorting the Vice Admiral out! Thanks again, my friend. Now I'm off to bed. :)) Sandra xx