Dead Echoes of the Past
Two killers, two detectives, two times59 total reviews
Comment from bhogg
Hi Mike - I loved how you started. A great attention getter that pulled me in as I'm sure it will other readers. I like how you used the bench as a centering point between past and present. Good luck in your contest. Bill
reply by the author on 21-May-2012
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Hi Mike - I loved how you started. A great attention getter that pulled me in as I'm sure it will other readers. I like how you used the bench as a centering point between past and present. Good luck in your contest. Bill
Comment Written 21-May-2012
reply by the author on 21-May-2012
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Thanks, Bill! I'm thrilled you enjoyed it, mate :-). Took me a while, but it felt right in the end.
Mike
Comment from Janice Canerdy
The experience of reading this was well worth the time spent! I was completely enthralled throughout. Your combination of gritty everyday detective work with the supernatural is skillfully done. It's hard to select favorite passages, but I will mention one: the paragraph beginning, "You never thought to check, did you?"
reply by the author on 21-May-2012
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The experience of reading this was well worth the time spent! I was completely enthralled throughout. Your combination of gritty everyday detective work with the supernatural is skillfully done. It's hard to select favorite passages, but I will mention one: the paragraph beginning, "You never thought to check, did you?"
Comment Written 21-May-2012
reply by the author on 21-May-2012
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Thanks so much, Janice :-). I spent a lot of energy on this one, but it feels well worth it. There was lots more plot and background that could have gone in, but I'll save that for a longer re-working of the idea. I'm so happy you enjoyed reading it!
Mike
Comment from MadameSparkle
Yes it was long, but you needed the length to get so much information in, didn't you. What works best for me is the atmosphere you create and I love the flashes of poetic description. The plot was a bit confusing to say the least, but I got it straight in the end. There was a surprise ending, which added to the suspense.
Using the bench as the centre of the story was very cleverly executed(scuse the pun). That worked very well. Parks are always creepy places and you never know who you're sitting next to. I will certainly give my next bench fellow a second look!
So well done for a great story and good luck in the competition.
Sparkles
reply by the author on 21-May-2012
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Yes it was long, but you needed the length to get so much information in, didn't you. What works best for me is the atmosphere you create and I love the flashes of poetic description. The plot was a bit confusing to say the least, but I got it straight in the end. There was a surprise ending, which added to the suspense.
Using the bench as the centre of the story was very cleverly executed(scuse the pun). That worked very well. Parks are always creepy places and you never know who you're sitting next to. I will certainly give my next bench fellow a second look!
So well done for a great story and good luck in the competition.
Sparkles
Comment Written 21-May-2012
reply by the author on 21-May-2012
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Thank you, Sparkles :-). I'm glad the length didn't put you off. As you say, there is a lot of plotto get through! If it wasn't for a contest, I would have split it into chapters and extended things a little. Thanks so much for ypur encouraging words - I'm so glad you enjoyed it!
Mike
Comment from adewpearl
Great attention-grabbing opening
vivid descriptive detail makes it easy and horrible to visualize this body
I love the concept of this detective's ability to talk to a detective from generations ago if he sits on that park bench
her womb stuffed into her mouth - how grim!
I love the convergence of the cases with the ghost detective and the contemporary detective/narrator
Oh, what an eerie ending - you do have one great imagination :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 21-May-2012
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Great attention-grabbing opening
vivid descriptive detail makes it easy and horrible to visualize this body
I love the concept of this detective's ability to talk to a detective from generations ago if he sits on that park bench
her womb stuffed into her mouth - how grim!
I love the convergence of the cases with the ghost detective and the contemporary detective/narrator
Oh, what an eerie ending - you do have one great imagination :-) Brooke
Comment Written 21-May-2012
reply by the author on 21-May-2012
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Thank you, Brooke! I thought of the central device (the bench and its ability to connect relatives trough time) ages ago, after seeing the contest pic. Sadly, it took me ages to come up with a plot to hang around it. I'm thrilled you enjoyed it :-).
Mike
Comment from judiverse
This was certainly a spooky read, but enjoyable. You create wonderful atmosphere surrounding the bench and the ancestor Booker. You set up the murders very graphically so they do seem real. I also like the Jack the Ripper connection. The Masonic symbol makes an interesting touch. Great characterizations and dialogue. I was disappointed that Phil met his fate and was unable to pursue the killer. You might have had a great series going. Six star suspense. judi
reply by the author on 21-May-2012
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This was certainly a spooky read, but enjoyable. You create wonderful atmosphere surrounding the bench and the ancestor Booker. You set up the murders very graphically so they do seem real. I also like the Jack the Ripper connection. The Masonic symbol makes an interesting touch. Great characterizations and dialogue. I was disappointed that Phil met his fate and was unable to pursue the killer. You might have had a great series going. Six star suspense. judi
Comment Written 21-May-2012
reply by the author on 21-May-2012
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Thank you so much, Judi - I'm so glad you enjoyed the read :-). This may sound cold, but Phil died mainly due to space restrictions, the perspective switch being the most expedient way to explain what had been going on. I have lits more ideas for this concept, so I may well re-write this as a novel for this year's NaNoWriMo. That way, Phil and Clem can have another shot at their respective quarries!
Thanks again!
Mike
Comment from BrainJuggler
Well done! It took me a minute to figure out who he was talking to on the bench the first time. Was it a voice in his head? Another person walked over? Nope, a ghost. The plot was suspenseful and realistic. The characters had just the right amount of development for a short story. The only odd bit was the voice of God at the end. In a story with ghosts and time travel, throwing in the influence of the Almighty sans any explanation left me with a few too many questions. If I take it to be the schizophrenic ravings of a madman then it makes sense, so I will assume that is the intention.
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reply by the author on 21-May-2012
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Well done! It took me a minute to figure out who he was talking to on the bench the first time. Was it a voice in his head? Another person walked over? Nope, a ghost. The plot was suspenseful and realistic. The characters had just the right amount of development for a short story. The only odd bit was the voice of God at the end. In a story with ghosts and time travel, throwing in the influence of the Almighty sans any explanation left me with a few too many questions. If I take it to be the schizophrenic ravings of a madman then it makes sense, so I will assume that is the intention.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 21-May-2012
reply by the author on 21-May-2012
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Hi, BrainJ. It's not meant to be God at the end, rather Jack the Ripper, speaking to his progeny (the tramp) in the same way Clem talks to Phil; he knows the only way to convince his 'child' to commit murders is to take on the persona of a higher power. Perhaps this needs a little fleshing out, but the story was already very long so I didn;t want to push it too far.
Mike
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Ah now I get it! You're right, its already long and the minimalism is very important so maybe the lack of explicit clarification is better.
Comment from Chris Tee
Wow! Mike "Dead Echoes of the Past" is absolutely excellent written work. It kept my eyes glued to the screen and is cleverly done Well done with this splendid work!
reply by the author on 21-May-2012
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Wow! Mike "Dead Echoes of the Past" is absolutely excellent written work. It kept my eyes glued to the screen and is cleverly done Well done with this splendid work!
Comment Written 21-May-2012
reply by the author on 21-May-2012
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Thanks so much, Chris! This took a while to get right, so I'm really happy you enjoyed it :-).
Mike
Comment from tinams
I thought this a very well written story. You have done a great job writing this fiction story of the detective that was killed in another time with great vivid imagery. :) Tina
reply by the author on 21-May-2012
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I thought this a very well written story. You have done a great job writing this fiction story of the detective that was killed in another time with great vivid imagery. :) Tina
Comment Written 21-May-2012
reply by the author on 21-May-2012
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Thank you, Tina :-). I'm glad you enjoyed the read.
Mike
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
Oh, Mike:
You really got me at the end. While I was not too shocked
to find the tie-in with the tramp and his scathing retort
about no one bothering to check on him, I was totally thrown
by the other voice actually being the voice of God, per se. This should do well in the competition. Good luck to you.
thanks for sharing
love,
jan
reply by the author on 21-May-2012
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Oh, Mike:
You really got me at the end. While I was not too shocked
to find the tie-in with the tramp and his scathing retort
about no one bothering to check on him, I was totally thrown
by the other voice actually being the voice of God, per se. This should do well in the competition. Good luck to you.
thanks for sharing
love,
jan
Comment Written 20-May-2012
reply by the author on 21-May-2012
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Thank you, Jan :-). I needed a reason why our modern day killer would agree to help his murderous ancestor, which is where the god element came in, as a masquerade that might get through to someone vulnerable. That Jack, he's a clever one!
I'm so glad you liked it :-).
Mike
Comment from Fluffyhead
very graphic but not at all predictable which I liked. The story totally threw for a loop which was nice. However some of the dialog between Clem and the coroner and others is very confusing. Like I did not know who was speaking. Otherwise fine
reply by the author on 21-May-2012
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very graphic but not at all predictable which I liked. The story totally threw for a loop which was nice. However some of the dialog between Clem and the coroner and others is very confusing. Like I did not know who was speaking. Otherwise fine
Comment Written 20-May-2012
reply by the author on 21-May-2012
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Thank you, Fluffy. I'll take another look at the dialogue. I try to avoid too many speech tags when it's clear who's speaking, but perhaps I went too far this time. I'm really glad you enjoyed it :-).
Mike