This Time - That Time 3
Viewing comments for Chapter 44 "Churchill Is Not Happy!"Third book in the time travel trilogy
27 total reviews
Comment from aryr
You definitely created an interesting chapter Sandra. I will openly admit that I had to laugh as I read it, right along with Veronica and Gladys. It started as a prank but soon became the admirals downfall. The great little twist was when he stepped on Churchill's bowler, fantastic thought. It was indeed great. Hugs and smiles.
reply by the author on 12-May-2019
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You definitely created an interesting chapter Sandra. I will openly admit that I had to laugh as I read it, right along with Veronica and Gladys. It started as a prank but soon became the admirals downfall. The great little twist was when he stepped on Churchill's bowler, fantastic thought. It was indeed great. Hugs and smiles.
Comment Written 12-May-2019
reply by the author on 12-May-2019
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Thank you so much, Alie, for this lovely review. I had such fun writing this part. Now to bring him down. Big hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
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You are so welcome my friend, so enjoyable. Big hugs and smiles.
Comment from rama devi
WHAT AN ENTERTAINING CHAPTER! Outstanding antics delivered with great POV and good pacing (which could be further improved by tightening, trimming and removing passive voicing). Great characterization, dialog and descriptive narrative. I was right there in the scene, silently giggling along with the girls.
NOTES
*remove WAS and replace with stronger active verbs as much as you possibly can. Some examples:
-She was quivering just the way a jelly does when you scoop it out the bowl.
She quivered just the way a jelly does when you scoop it out the bowl.
-I couldn't say I was doing much better.
I couldn't say I fared much better.
-I was disappointed to note that neither man spotted the ridiculed portrait.
I felt disappointed to note that neither man spotted the ridiculed portrait.
-
While Churchill was busy with his cigar,
While Churchill stayed busy with his cigar,
-I moved over to have a look and was alarmed to find it was.
I moved over to have a look and became alarmed to find it was.
-an opportunity emerged that was too good to miss when Charles lifted his glass towards his mouth.
an opportunity emerged that seemed too good to miss when Charles lifted his glass towards his mouth.
-
Now he knew Gladys was here, he was completely unnerved, but he still hadn't seen the King's portrait, which was so frustrating.
Now he knew Gladys was here, he seemed completely unnerved, but he still hadn't seen the King's portrait, which felt so frustrating.
- Everything was going so well, and I was convinced my artistic additions would be Charles' ultimate embarrassment. It was then it came to me.
Everything was going so well, and I felt convinced my artistic additions would be Charles' ultimate embarrassment. Then it came to me.
*"Why won't they look at the portrait?" s(S)he groaned, glaring at the two men as they sat talking.
*
This time he managed to get to his feet, and pulling his handkerchief out of his pocket, he tried to mop it up.
Spag suggestions:
This time, he managed to get to his feet, and, pulling his handkerchief out of his pocket, tried to mop it up.
Or, make it two sentences:
This time, he managed to get to his feet. Pulling his handkerchief out of his pocket, he tried to mop it up.
* I could see Charles was seething when his eyes flitted around the room.
could see...not optimal word choices. MAYBE TRY: I noticed Charles seething as his eyes flitted around the room.
*
His absolute horror was clearly portrayed in his bulging eyes, which reminded me so much of a toad's.
Passive voicing and awkward sentence mechanics. Suggest:
His bulging eyes, which reminded me so much of a toad's, clearly portrayed absolute his horror.
*
It was Churchill's turn to stare,(;) his jaw dropped, leaving his cigar dangling from his bottom lip. He grabbed it(,) before it fell, and turned back to Charles with a look of abhorrence and indignation.
* It was as if time had momentarily stood still as we watched him close his eyes and take a deep breath. In slow motion, Charles bent down to pick up Churchill's crushed bowler(,) which he had just stepped on(<) and tried to straighten it out to no avail.
*
The intense fury that contorted Charles' face clashed with his acute humiliation.
Suggest trimming to:
Intense fury contorted Charles' face, clashing with his acute humiliation.
*as he recognised his career was virtually ruined,(NO COMMA) and there was nothing he could say or do to prevent it.
GREAT SIMILE: his eyes darting like a weasel trapped in a rottweiler's kennel,
* He then shook his head before he turned and walked out of the room.
Trim to:
He then shook his head before turning and walking out of the room.
or
He then shook his head, turned and walked out of the room.
* Oblivious to this,(NO ,) and everything else, Charles picked up his whisky glass and threw it in his frenzied rage.
Warm Smiles,
rd
PS I did get the infusion in PP. Thanks. Almost done!
reply by the author on 12-May-2019
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WHAT AN ENTERTAINING CHAPTER! Outstanding antics delivered with great POV and good pacing (which could be further improved by tightening, trimming and removing passive voicing). Great characterization, dialog and descriptive narrative. I was right there in the scene, silently giggling along with the girls.
NOTES
*remove WAS and replace with stronger active verbs as much as you possibly can. Some examples:
-She was quivering just the way a jelly does when you scoop it out the bowl.
She quivered just the way a jelly does when you scoop it out the bowl.
-I couldn't say I was doing much better.
I couldn't say I fared much better.
-I was disappointed to note that neither man spotted the ridiculed portrait.
I felt disappointed to note that neither man spotted the ridiculed portrait.
-
While Churchill was busy with his cigar,
While Churchill stayed busy with his cigar,
-I moved over to have a look and was alarmed to find it was.
I moved over to have a look and became alarmed to find it was.
-an opportunity emerged that was too good to miss when Charles lifted his glass towards his mouth.
an opportunity emerged that seemed too good to miss when Charles lifted his glass towards his mouth.
-
Now he knew Gladys was here, he was completely unnerved, but he still hadn't seen the King's portrait, which was so frustrating.
Now he knew Gladys was here, he seemed completely unnerved, but he still hadn't seen the King's portrait, which felt so frustrating.
- Everything was going so well, and I was convinced my artistic additions would be Charles' ultimate embarrassment. It was then it came to me.
Everything was going so well, and I felt convinced my artistic additions would be Charles' ultimate embarrassment. Then it came to me.
*"Why won't they look at the portrait?" s(S)he groaned, glaring at the two men as they sat talking.
*
This time he managed to get to his feet, and pulling his handkerchief out of his pocket, he tried to mop it up.
Spag suggestions:
This time, he managed to get to his feet, and, pulling his handkerchief out of his pocket, tried to mop it up.
Or, make it two sentences:
This time, he managed to get to his feet. Pulling his handkerchief out of his pocket, he tried to mop it up.
* I could see Charles was seething when his eyes flitted around the room.
could see...not optimal word choices. MAYBE TRY: I noticed Charles seething as his eyes flitted around the room.
*
His absolute horror was clearly portrayed in his bulging eyes, which reminded me so much of a toad's.
Passive voicing and awkward sentence mechanics. Suggest:
His bulging eyes, which reminded me so much of a toad's, clearly portrayed absolute his horror.
*
It was Churchill's turn to stare,(;) his jaw dropped, leaving his cigar dangling from his bottom lip. He grabbed it(,) before it fell, and turned back to Charles with a look of abhorrence and indignation.
* It was as if time had momentarily stood still as we watched him close his eyes and take a deep breath. In slow motion, Charles bent down to pick up Churchill's crushed bowler(,) which he had just stepped on(<) and tried to straighten it out to no avail.
*
The intense fury that contorted Charles' face clashed with his acute humiliation.
Suggest trimming to:
Intense fury contorted Charles' face, clashing with his acute humiliation.
*as he recognised his career was virtually ruined,(NO COMMA) and there was nothing he could say or do to prevent it.
GREAT SIMILE: his eyes darting like a weasel trapped in a rottweiler's kennel,
* He then shook his head before he turned and walked out of the room.
Trim to:
He then shook his head before turning and walking out of the room.
or
He then shook his head, turned and walked out of the room.
* Oblivious to this,(NO ,) and everything else, Charles picked up his whisky glass and threw it in his frenzied rage.
Warm Smiles,
rd
PS I did get the infusion in PP. Thanks. Almost done!
Comment Written 12-May-2019
reply by the author on 12-May-2019
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Thank you so much for this really helpful review, Rama, I've gone through them and made some changes. I must remember to stop and look again when I put a 'was' in a sentence. :)) It's so easy to slip them in without really thinking about them. Thanks for that. :)) Only two chapters to go. This book has been harder to write than the first two. I think it's because there was so much research to do because of the period I took Veronica to. But, I've learnt a lot! Big hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xxx
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You've done a fantastic job, my dear.
Yes, WAS comes naturally while we jot down the narrative. It's in the later edits we can search for better verbs.
Big hugs,
rd
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Sandra,
Very nice addition. funny too. that should put paid to any credibility Charles had. lol
While Churchill was busy with his cigar, Charles had poured two whiskies into fine crystal glasses and brought them over to the square coffee table positioned between them.- this is a good example of something I keep telling folk. The way of describing something organically within the action rather than stopping and describing the scene.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 12-May-2019
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Hi Sandra,
Very nice addition. funny too. that should put paid to any credibility Charles had. lol
While Churchill was busy with his cigar, Charles had poured two whiskies into fine crystal glasses and brought them over to the square coffee table positioned between them.- this is a good example of something I keep telling folk. The way of describing something organically within the action rather than stopping and describing the scene.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 12-May-2019
reply by the author on 12-May-2019
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I'm so pleased you enjoyed this part, Gareth, I had a bit of fun writing it. lol. I've only got two more parts to go, and a possible prologue. Not sure about that yet. Okay, I've got to ask you, knowing what you normally give me with loads of nits in them, did you mean to give me a four? Doesn't matter if you did, just checking. :)) Big hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
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Nope, that's been happening to me all week. I select 5 and it changes it...grrr
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I've had that too. But I thought it was a mistake from what you said in your lovely review. Thanks, Gareth. xxx
Comment from Ulla
Hahahahaha, Sandra, this is priceless. Charles has been pushed over the edge and spectacularly so. He has totally lost it. I simply love this story. What a laugh. And what now? I can't wait to be reading on. A big hug. Ulla xxx
reply by the author on 12-May-2019
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Hahahahaha, Sandra, this is priceless. Charles has been pushed over the edge and spectacularly so. He has totally lost it. I simply love this story. What a laugh. And what now? I can't wait to be reading on. A big hug. Ulla xxx
Comment Written 12-May-2019
reply by the author on 12-May-2019
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Thank you so very much, Ulla, for the lovely six stars, and wonderful review. I'm delighted this is going down well. I had such fun writing it. Only two more parts and an epilogue to go. I'll post the next part on Wednesday if I've enough pumps ready. Big hugs, dear friend. :)) Sandra xxx
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Only two more parts and and epilogue. I'll miss the story,but all good has tocome to and end. Shame, though. xxx
Comment from tfawcus
Splendid slapstick!
The team certainly dished it out to the Venomous Asp this time. (I've just realised why the Venomous Asp resonated so well: 1066 and All That - The Venomous Bede).
I liked your nod to the famous bowler hat - you don't seem to see them about much these days - certainly not in Australia! LOL
Charles will be lucky not to be assigned to the looney bin after this episode!
This chapter was well worth waiting for.
reply by the author on 12-May-2019
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Splendid slapstick!
The team certainly dished it out to the Venomous Asp this time. (I've just realised why the Venomous Asp resonated so well: 1066 and All That - The Venomous Bede).
I liked your nod to the famous bowler hat - you don't seem to see them about much these days - certainly not in Australia! LOL
Charles will be lucky not to be assigned to the looney bin after this episode!
This chapter was well worth waiting for.
Comment Written 12-May-2019
reply by the author on 12-May-2019
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Churchill had a variety of hats, the bowler being the most well known. even though his most famous was the homburg. I didn't think many people would know that name unless you wore them. I didn't! I'm so pleased you like this part, I had a lot of fun visualising it while I wrote it. Thank you for the lovely six stars, and the wonderful review, my friend. Only two left to go. :)) Sandra xx
Comment from JDRBAR
Daphne? in your "previous" paragraph
spilling any more the chart. (omitted word)
of a toad's, it had Gladys in fits of laughter. (I think you need a conjunction before last phrase) (or make it separate sentence)
bowler he had just stepped on and (WHICH he had just)
release an eruption deadlier than Mount Vesuvius. (LOL..I read this and all I could think was of Churchill passing gas...sorry nasty mind)
This was hilarious and very well done my friend
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 12-May-2019
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Daphne? in your "previous" paragraph
spilling any more the chart. (omitted word)
of a toad's, it had Gladys in fits of laughter. (I think you need a conjunction before last phrase) (or make it separate sentence)
bowler he had just stepped on and (WHICH he had just)
release an eruption deadlier than Mount Vesuvius. (LOL..I read this and all I could think was of Churchill passing gas...sorry nasty mind)
This was hilarious and very well done my friend
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 12-May-2019
reply by the author on 12-May-2019
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Now I might have to change that sentence because you're right, not you've mentioned it, it does read like Churchill has passed some foul air! LOL!
I'm glad you caught that name change. I have changed Gladys to Daphne in the final edits because I was having trouble with 'Gladys's, it just didn't sound right to me. Daphne is my mum's middle name, so I like to think of her still be around so gave her the ghosts name. :)) Thanks for finding those other nits, I've made the corrections. And thanks for the lovely review. I'm glad you enjoyed it. Two chapters left. :)) Big hugs!! Sandra xxx
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Besure to let me know when it's published so I'll the complete trilogy.
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I will. How are you doing with yours?
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You can just delete this reply, but if you MUST get rid of Gladys, I gotta say, Daphne doesn't fit her character. Daphne is soft and sweet. Gladys is strong and mischievous. She's more an Ada, or Ida, Blanche, or even Maude. Just my two cents.
Comment from WryWriter
When I can stop laughing, I'll give you a review.... Okay, this chapter is beyond great. It is hysterically funny! Where on earth did you peel this one out of your brain? It's superb!! One suggestion for you to consider. I don't think the comma is necessary in this sentence: "The intense fury that contorted Charles' face, clashed with his acute humiliation." Of course, only a suggestion. The author knows what they want to say. Great job on this!!
reply by the author on 12-May-2019
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When I can stop laughing, I'll give you a review.... Okay, this chapter is beyond great. It is hysterically funny! Where on earth did you peel this one out of your brain? It's superb!! One suggestion for you to consider. I don't think the comma is necessary in this sentence: "The intense fury that contorted Charles' face, clashed with his acute humiliation." Of course, only a suggestion. The author knows what they want to say. Great job on this!!
Comment Written 12-May-2019
reply by the author on 12-May-2019
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Thank you so very much for this brilliant review, my friend!!! The first review and a six stars has made my day even before it has begun. We are coming to the end, two more parts, and a possible epilogue. I'm so pleased you enjoyed this part, thank you!! :)) Sandra xx