The Long Night
Eyes play tricks late at night23 total reviews
Comment from mauial
Oh I liked this very much especially how you made it seem that everything was alright with a plausible explanation and then wham the last line. Great short story. I love sci-fi.
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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Oh I liked this very much especially how you made it seem that everything was alright with a plausible explanation and then wham the last line. Great short story. I love sci-fi.
Comment Written 19-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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Thanks so much, was very fun to write. Rox
Comment from stroncoso1
This is wonderful and compelling. I was glued from start to finish. Your story development is good and Lisa's monologue with herself during the chase is natural sounding. I enjoyed the premise very much and her panic and urgency comes across very very well. I found just a few typos. In the line "Lisa gave into her panic", I think should be "in to" (instead of into) But that's very very minor. In the sentence, "She began to breath rapidly and..." (you need to add an e at the end of breath) In the part when she turned into the parking lot, tire squealing, tire to hide in the ..." (I think you meant to write 'tried to hide"...(It's a small typo)In the last paragraph, "As Lisa enter the diner, you need to add a d on "entered." Other than those very few typos, you have an exciting and satisfying story. Your last two sentences pack a punch with a surprising ending. Well done! Well done!
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reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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This is wonderful and compelling. I was glued from start to finish. Your story development is good and Lisa's monologue with herself during the chase is natural sounding. I enjoyed the premise very much and her panic and urgency comes across very very well. I found just a few typos. In the line "Lisa gave into her panic", I think should be "in to" (instead of into) But that's very very minor. In the sentence, "She began to breath rapidly and..." (you need to add an e at the end of breath) In the part when she turned into the parking lot, tire squealing, tire to hide in the ..." (I think you meant to write 'tried to hide"...(It's a small typo)In the last paragraph, "As Lisa enter the diner, you need to add a d on "entered." Other than those very few typos, you have an exciting and satisfying story. Your last two sentences pack a punch with a surprising ending. Well done! Well done!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 19-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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Thanks so much for the great review. I'm so glad you liked it. It was very fun to write. I made corrections. Have a great day. Rox
Comment from fayesh
I like the build of tension in this short story. However, go back and proofread the story for verb tense errors. You have quite a few. For example:
"As Lisa enter(ed) the diner, John look(ed) out across the parking lot to the darkness beyond and saw the floating orbs of his companions. His eyes glowed in response(.)
(T)hen he walked into the diner and shut the door behind him.
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reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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I like the build of tension in this short story. However, go back and proofread the story for verb tense errors. You have quite a few. For example:
"As Lisa enter(ed) the diner, John look(ed) out across the parking lot to the darkness beyond and saw the floating orbs of his companions. His eyes glowed in response(.)
(T)hen he walked into the diner and shut the door behind him.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 19-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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Thanks so much for the review and help. I made some changes and hope it reads better. Have a great day. Rox