Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 22 "Poha Moon, Pt. 2"Murder Mystery
41 total reviews
Comment from Norbanus
"It's Father Brian, Mrs. Findley," he called out.(delete the speech tag. It is not necessary.
The response he received was the spine-jarring, hysterical scream of a woman in extreme(delete 'extreme') terror.
Despite the shaking of her limbs, she was able to maintain her balance. (wordiness. Tighten by eliminating 'she was abel to maintain' replace with 'maintained'.
Once Father Brian was assured she was walking in a steady manner. Wordiness--Consider:
'Once Father Brian saw she was walking steadily'
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2012
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"It's Father Brian, Mrs. Findley," he called out.(delete the speech tag. It is not necessary.
The response he received was the spine-jarring, hysterical scream of a woman in extreme(delete 'extreme') terror.
Despite the shaking of her limbs, she was able to maintain her balance. (wordiness. Tighten by eliminating 'she was abel to maintain' replace with 'maintained'.
Once Father Brian was assured she was walking in a steady manner. Wordiness--Consider:
'Once Father Brian saw she was walking steadily'
Comment Written 28-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2012
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Thanks for the suggestions! Just curious, was there anything you liked?
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I like the story, that's why I gave it a five. But it need to be tightened up a bit.
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Okay, thanks. You did offer some good suggestions.
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, writingfundimension, you did a great job writing this chapter where ms findley is found to be frightened, but okay. one spag i spotted--selling his soul to satan every heal, not every heal
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2012
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this is very well written, writingfundimension, you did a great job writing this chapter where ms findley is found to be frightened, but okay. one spag i spotted--selling his soul to satan every heal, not every heal
Comment Written 28-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2012
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Thank you so much, sweet. I appreciate you following along so faithfully. Your support is most kind! Warm regards, Bev
Comment from GroundedAngel
This was an enjoyable read. I loved the suspense. Even when the dog doesn't look up, the reader can sense something not of this world is present. Very likeable characters as well. Excellent writing.
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2012
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This was an enjoyable read. I loved the suspense. Even when the dog doesn't look up, the reader can sense something not of this world is present. Very likeable characters as well. Excellent writing.
Comment Written 28-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2012
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Hi, GroundedAngel. I really appreciate this very supportive and kind review. Thanks so much for taking time to read. Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from Realist101
Hi Bev! CREEPY indeed! I am picturing the 'thing' as a devil shape with horns. A demon. And it's possessing her? Or at least the house. I didn't see any spags, but am not good at them. This is a super book! :) Keep at it! xoxo. Susan
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2012
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Hi Bev! CREEPY indeed! I am picturing the 'thing' as a devil shape with horns. A demon. And it's possessing her? Or at least the house. I didn't see any spags, but am not good at them. This is a super book! :) Keep at it! xoxo. Susan
Comment Written 27-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2012
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Hi, Susan. Thanks for the great review. I've had a lot of help cleaning up the spaggies. Don't you just love helpful reviews?! Thanks so much for taking time to read and for your kind support.
XxOx Bev
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I'm glad you had help because I am just awful with commas, and all that! Keep up the good work! Luv...Susan
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Thank you, Suze. You are such a sweet lady. Love ya, Bev
Comment from Cornelius2000
I'm joining you late in this story, but this chapter is written in a way that tells me a lot about has transpired. You've created some interesting characters and your dialogue writing is first-rate.
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2012
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I'm joining you late in this story, but this chapter is written in a way that tells me a lot about has transpired. You've created some interesting characters and your dialogue writing is first-rate.
Comment Written 27-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2012
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Hi, Cornelius. I sure appreciate your generous and supportive review. Thanks for reading! Bev
Comment from roseellen
It seems father never got to tell his own story and I was left waiting at the church..so to speak. and wondering if his tale was going to be better than the housekeepers. You write well and get the message across without too much gusto,(which I like,)I feel a ghostly presence about to slip into the picture.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2012
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It seems father never got to tell his own story and I was left waiting at the church..so to speak. and wondering if his tale was going to be better than the housekeepers. You write well and get the message across without too much gusto,(which I like,)I feel a ghostly presence about to slip into the picture.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 27-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2012
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Thank you for your review.
Comment from suneagle
Good work, I had been looking forward to this continuance. A few things to consider are noted below:
The movement was [lightning] fast.
Bruises will likely be sproutin' up from falling against the plastic storage tubs[,] but I don't think I've broken anything useful."
And while you're at it, why don't you pour some for yourself. []You look to be half dead yourself."
"I never thought I'd live to see this day[,]" Brian quipped[.] "I thought you were a devoted dog hater?"
"Could the wounds caused by one man's selling his soul to Satan ever heal?" he thought.
(Don't use quotation marks for thought. Italics are permitted but most editors now prefer the use of the normal font alone.)
It was her that chased the Thing away[,] then knocked on the door to help you find me."
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2012
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Good work, I had been looking forward to this continuance. A few things to consider are noted below:
The movement was [lightning] fast.
Bruises will likely be sproutin' up from falling against the plastic storage tubs[,] but I don't think I've broken anything useful."
And while you're at it, why don't you pour some for yourself. []You look to be half dead yourself."
"I never thought I'd live to see this day[,]" Brian quipped[.] "I thought you were a devoted dog hater?"
"Could the wounds caused by one man's selling his soul to Satan ever heal?" he thought.
(Don't use quotation marks for thought. Italics are permitted but most editors now prefer the use of the normal font alone.)
It was her that chased the Thing away[,] then knocked on the door to help you find me."
Comment Written 27-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2012
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I love a reviewer with a sharp eye for punctuation. Only one of your suggestions is at odds with another reviewer. I think I'll return to the original way I had it LOL. Changed the italics, too, based on the opinions of a couple of others. So nice to have the help of good fellow writers!
Thanks so much, suneagle. I appreciate your great review.
Bev
Comment from Rob Caudle
Ok , Bev what was father Brian about to tell Mrs. Finley when she stopped and went on about the thing!!! Wow another suspenseful read It is so unfair I can't turn the page and find out what happens Next. The Good News Is I Want TO Turn The Page i Did Not Find Anything Here To Nit Pick About I Will Leave that to JJ and those others smarter than I am good job once again
Rob
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2012
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Ok , Bev what was father Brian about to tell Mrs. Finley when she stopped and went on about the thing!!! Wow another suspenseful read It is so unfair I can't turn the page and find out what happens Next. The Good News Is I Want TO Turn The Page i Did Not Find Anything Here To Nit Pick About I Will Leave that to JJ and those others smarter than I am good job once again
Rob
Comment Written 27-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2012
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Hello, buddy! Thank you for reading so quickly and so very generously reviewing. He was going to tell her the rectory was infested with a demon ... and you know I wondered about how well I pulled that off. Good observation and I may need to look at that a bit closer.
Your support is absolutely precious. You've been my champion from the beginning. Thank you so much, Rob.
Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from DALLAS01
The dog whimpered but (stay) (ed) rooted to the spot.
Another great chapter. Just an observation re the following:
When Father Brian returned from his bedroom with two glasses and the scotch bottle tucked beneath his arm, an impossible scene awaited him
For some reason, maybe it is just my interpretation but when I read this I was expecting something horrible and dramatic, then when it didn't materialize I got thrown off a little.
How about He was amused by the unlikely scene.
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2012
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The dog whimpered but (stay) (ed) rooted to the spot.
Another great chapter. Just an observation re the following:
When Father Brian returned from his bedroom with two glasses and the scotch bottle tucked beneath his arm, an impossible scene awaited him
For some reason, maybe it is just my interpretation but when I read this I was expecting something horrible and dramatic, then when it didn't materialize I got thrown off a little.
How about He was amused by the unlikely scene.
Comment Written 27-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2012
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Hi, Dallas. Thanks so much for the excellent tip. Have changed it and I like it much better. Sure appreciate your time and support, my generous friend. Warmest regards, Bev
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You're welcome.
Comment from Joy Graham
This is a terrific story, Bev. I just sat back and let your writing entertain me. I am now curious about this presence and who sold their soul to the devil??? Looking forward to the next chapter :)
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2012
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This is a terrific story, Bev. I just sat back and let your writing entertain me. I am now curious about this presence and who sold their soul to the devil??? Looking forward to the next chapter :)
Comment Written 27-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2012
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Thanks so much, Joy. The Monsignor that was the pastor before Brian came to St. Matilde's was a pedophile. In fact, this character is based on a real-life case of a priest that was transferred to a MN parish even though church authorities knew of his sins. Of course, he continued to abuse young men and was eventually arrested.
I so appreciate your support and gracious review, my friend.
Hugs, Bev