Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 20 "ILAKA MOON"Murder Mystery
55 total reviews
Comment from Roxanna Andrews
Excellent as always. Was so happy to see another chapter. I'm getting to read the best books on this site. I see no need for improvement. Your skill as a writer far out weigh mine so I have no advise to give. I'll just enjoy reading it. Great Job. =}
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2012
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Excellent as always. Was so happy to see another chapter. I'm getting to read the best books on this site. I see no need for improvement. Your skill as a writer far out weigh mine so I have no advise to give. I'll just enjoy reading it. Great Job. =}
Comment Written 06-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2012
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Hi, Roxanna. If you read some of my writing three years ago when I joined the site, you'd see how much the reviewers and fans have helped me to improve. So, I do not accept your assessment of your writing skill, my friend.
Thanks so much for your encouraging, generous review.
Hugs, Bev
Comment from Healthyheartpoet
Looks like Eddie is a serial killer. Your desription of him was graphically horrific. You could feel repulsion as you drew a metaphorical picture of him with your writers pen. This crime fiction is as good as it gets
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2012
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Looks like Eddie is a serial killer. Your desription of him was graphically horrific. You could feel repulsion as you drew a metaphorical picture of him with your writers pen. This crime fiction is as good as it gets
Comment Written 06-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2012
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Thanks Healthyheartpoet. I especially appreciate your words of support for my portrayal of Eddie. You are most kind AND generous.
Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from G.B. Smith
Hello there Bev
Once again, your chapter reads so well. Funny at first, it broke the ice, but the suspense quickly caught up. This chapter is one of the best
Bear
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2012
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Hello there Bev
Once again, your chapter reads so well. Funny at first, it broke the ice, but the suspense quickly caught up. This chapter is one of the best
Bear
Comment Written 06-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2012
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Thank you so much, Bear. I do like this chapter -- it was difficult birthing, but it turned out okay.
I appreciate your support and kind words, my friend.
Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from Rob Caudle
Bev, this was your best yet!!! You continue to engage the reader from the very first word. I am very impressed. In a word superb writing . I would like to help but I can find very little to tweak. So, I may be grasping at straws just to appear helpful in this line do you think it might read better if you took out in her mind.
She quickly resolved {in her mind} to find out what was happening in this home.
That being said this was once again very stellar write.
I don't know if my suggestion is at all helpful it was the only thing I found in an utterly grand piece of writing.
Rob
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2012
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Bev, this was your best yet!!! You continue to engage the reader from the very first word. I am very impressed. In a word superb writing . I would like to help but I can find very little to tweak. So, I may be grasping at straws just to appear helpful in this line do you think it might read better if you took out in her mind.
She quickly resolved {in her mind} to find out what was happening in this home.
That being said this was once again very stellar write.
I don't know if my suggestion is at all helpful it was the only thing I found in an utterly grand piece of writing.
Rob
Comment Written 05-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2012
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Hi, Rob. That's a wonderful idea. I've been reading Noir writing and they have a tendency to leave things out. In this case, your suggestion adds to the flow and I am promptly changing!
Your support is so valuable, I hope you know. It gives me the courage to go forward and to want to grow as a writer.
Thank you my faithful friend for all you do.
Hugs, Bev
Comment from Gungalo
Ooooh boy, this sounds like a good one and that Eddie is more than a creep. Wonder where he is off too. She said that Eddie gave her the rosary that a nice lady gave him just before she died. Hmmm.
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2012
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Ooooh boy, this sounds like a good one and that Eddie is more than a creep. Wonder where he is off too. She said that Eddie gave her the rosary that a nice lady gave him just before she died. Hmmm.
Comment Written 05-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2012
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Hi, Gungalo. Thank you very kindly for your great review. I appreciate you taking time to read! Warm regards, Bev
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O what wicked webs we weave eh Bev?
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Well said ... I use that phrase often. Of course, it's always about other people LOL. :0)
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LOL
Comment from DALLAS01
Not a wasted word. This chapter moved like a race car on a fast track, quickly and effortlessly. You really cut to the chase here. Pretty scary.
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2012
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Not a wasted word. This chapter moved like a race car on a fast track, quickly and effortlessly. You really cut to the chase here. Pretty scary.
Comment Written 05-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2012
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Thank you so much, Dallas. I very much appreciate your awesome review and support! It's so kind of you. Warmest regards, Bev
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You're welcome. Did I see that you are going to be in Brooke's free verse class?
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Yes, I am, Dallas. I'm looking forward to it. It's the only kind of poetry that I feel comfortable writing, so I hope I learn a lot. :0)
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See ya there.
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I'm glad you're in the class, Dallas.
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Looking forward to it. Next to short forms, free verse is my favorite. Glad you ar there also. later
Comment from RaymondJohn
Great humorous description of Martha Nugent in the first paragraph. It's easy to imagine her. Good forward movement and I like Martha's personality. Really a very fun read. Best wishes. Ray.
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2012
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Great humorous description of Martha Nugent in the first paragraph. It's easy to imagine her. Good forward movement and I like Martha's personality. Really a very fun read. Best wishes. Ray.
Comment Written 05-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2012
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Thank you, Ray. I sure appreciate the nice review! Warm regards, Bev
Comment from JW
This was a well written addition to your story. AND, believe or not, absolute no spags were found. :-)
Thanks for sharing it. It will interesting to see what happens next. JW
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2012
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This was a well written addition to your story. AND, believe or not, absolute no spags were found. :-)
Thanks for sharing it. It will interesting to see what happens next. JW
Comment Written 05-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2012
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That's because the other reviewers got to it first, Jonathan. Sorry to disappoint you HAHAHA! Thanks for reviewing, my friend.
Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Tina55
Marsha Nugent had seen the backside of her youth three decades earlier.(Great line!)
More sweat during menopause than in the bedroom? Poor dear.
I can't get them to tell me what's really going on, either. They maintain her wound care needs outweight (outweigh) their experience,
You already establish that Marsha is making her first visit and that she has the new patient's file by the time we read: Preparing for this initial visit, Marsha studied the case file the previous evening. She was disturbed by what it didn't contain.
So, I'd suggest you simpy say: Marsha was disturbed by what the file didn't contain. She sounds organized and professional, so it only makes sense that she read the file prior to this visit. There's no real need to state that.
Dropping her arm to her side, she waited for the person on the other side of the door to reveal themselves. (person and themselves don't jive - one is singular and the other is plural)
His laugh bled bitterness. (Fantastic line)
I like how he reacts to Marsha calling him 'the son'
The pupils of his eyes were lifeless black voids in the middle of a pool of white. (This sounds like both pupils are in the same pool. Perhaps use pools of white, or white pools.)
Okay, 'the son' is creepy. Well done!
Yikes!!! C-R-E-E-P-Y!!!
Standing O, Bev! You knocked this one right out of the park... love it.
Yours,
Tina
xx
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2012
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Marsha Nugent had seen the backside of her youth three decades earlier.(Great line!)
More sweat during menopause than in the bedroom? Poor dear.
I can't get them to tell me what's really going on, either. They maintain her wound care needs outweight (outweigh) their experience,
You already establish that Marsha is making her first visit and that she has the new patient's file by the time we read: Preparing for this initial visit, Marsha studied the case file the previous evening. She was disturbed by what it didn't contain.
So, I'd suggest you simpy say: Marsha was disturbed by what the file didn't contain. She sounds organized and professional, so it only makes sense that she read the file prior to this visit. There's no real need to state that.
Dropping her arm to her side, she waited for the person on the other side of the door to reveal themselves. (person and themselves don't jive - one is singular and the other is plural)
His laugh bled bitterness. (Fantastic line)
I like how he reacts to Marsha calling him 'the son'
The pupils of his eyes were lifeless black voids in the middle of a pool of white. (This sounds like both pupils are in the same pool. Perhaps use pools of white, or white pools.)
Okay, 'the son' is creepy. Well done!
Yikes!!! C-R-E-E-P-Y!!!
Standing O, Bev! You knocked this one right out of the park... love it.
Yours,
Tina
xx
Comment Written 05-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2012
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Hi, Tina. Thank you for the GREAT review and excellent suggestions! I really appreciate the editorial assistance -- changes made. You really are most kind, my friend.
Hugs, Bev
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
As always, you draw me in and grasp my attention throughout, Bev.
Eddie is one creepy character, but going by your description of him, (i.e. eyes were lifeless black voids in the middle of a pool of white/neatly-trimmed goatee and diamond-studs in both earlobes)... I fancy he is not the murderer - as that would be too obvious, and besides, I've seen plenty of people who look just like him and worse.
she'd worked up more sweat during menopause than she ever had in the bedroom. - what a line!!
They maintain her wound care needs outweigh[t] their - should this be outweigh And if so, should it not be --- needs to outweigh..... or am I getting confused??
Wish I had a six for you, my friend.
Margaret
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2012
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As always, you draw me in and grasp my attention throughout, Bev.
Eddie is one creepy character, but going by your description of him, (i.e. eyes were lifeless black voids in the middle of a pool of white/neatly-trimmed goatee and diamond-studs in both earlobes)... I fancy he is not the murderer - as that would be too obvious, and besides, I've seen plenty of people who look just like him and worse.
she'd worked up more sweat during menopause than she ever had in the bedroom. - what a line!!
They maintain her wound care needs outweigh[t] their - should this be outweigh And if so, should it not be --- needs to outweigh..... or am I getting confused??
Wish I had a six for you, my friend.
Margaret
Comment Written 05-Oct-2012
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2012
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Hi, Margaret. Thank you so much for your insights and excellent review! I really appreciate you continuing to follow the story and, I hope, help me to make it a little better each time
Warmest regards, Bev