Water Spirit
1779, Finger Lakes Region of New York31 total reviews
Comment from tinams
This is a very interesting read. I really enjoy reading about Native Indians and their traditions, and you painted a very vivid picture with this story :) Tina
reply by the author on 17-May-2012
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This is a very interesting read. I really enjoy reading about Native Indians and their traditions, and you painted a very vivid picture with this story :) Tina
Comment Written 16-May-2012
reply by the author on 17-May-2012
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Thank you, Tina. Native Americans have always fascinated me, too. I'm glad you enjoyed. Peace, Lee
Comment from Judian James
Another masterpiece. You must be rewarded with another sixer from me and my last for you for a long time SO, you must stop being so brilliant, so I don't get terribly frustrated knowing I have no more sixers for you for a month
"To the red people who try to hang on to these ancestral lands I am known by many names. None of them flattering. None of them spoken aloud. To the white settlers who fight to take lands like pups fight to take a teat, I am called Big Head, or just as often, Hump. These names are accurate, and I have come to accept my lot. I have no people. I am a thing apart, a hideous mistake of nature. My only tribe is the forest, my clansmen these lakes. Though even the lakes cannot stand to look at me, but conspire with the sun to make sure I never forget what I look like." I was going to quote just the final,perfectly written line but then I realized the entire paragraph was perfection. Soooo smart, Lee plus it felt a bit like a travelogue as well. All the references to hands and arms when talking about the finger lakes was so effective.
"Since we were children Turtle could make me feel foolish without making me feel a fool." wonderful observation
"I let anger pitch my voice" excellent way to convey here.
SUPERB piece of writing ... again, right down to and including your author's notes!!! BRAVO, Lee Smart writing!
reply by the author on 17-May-2012
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Another masterpiece. You must be rewarded with another sixer from me and my last for you for a long time SO, you must stop being so brilliant, so I don't get terribly frustrated knowing I have no more sixers for you for a month
"To the red people who try to hang on to these ancestral lands I am known by many names. None of them flattering. None of them spoken aloud. To the white settlers who fight to take lands like pups fight to take a teat, I am called Big Head, or just as often, Hump. These names are accurate, and I have come to accept my lot. I have no people. I am a thing apart, a hideous mistake of nature. My only tribe is the forest, my clansmen these lakes. Though even the lakes cannot stand to look at me, but conspire with the sun to make sure I never forget what I look like." I was going to quote just the final,perfectly written line but then I realized the entire paragraph was perfection. Soooo smart, Lee plus it felt a bit like a travelogue as well. All the references to hands and arms when talking about the finger lakes was so effective.
"Since we were children Turtle could make me feel foolish without making me feel a fool." wonderful observation
"I let anger pitch my voice" excellent way to convey here.
SUPERB piece of writing ... again, right down to and including your author's notes!!! BRAVO, Lee Smart writing!
Comment Written 16-May-2012
reply by the author on 17-May-2012
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Oh, Jude, thank you so much. I wasn't sure about this one. I keep trying to do different things, set different tones, moods.
I delighted you think I've struck a chord. Don't worry about the sixes you won't have, Jude, this is the one I need. Thanks again. Peace, Lee
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and you always succeed!
Comment from Spiritual Echo
A beautifully penned story. This tale relied strongly on a visual seduction, pulling your readers into the predawn hours of the wilderness.
Once you banked your canoe, you took it further into the bond between two men, entering their conciousness and their lifelong friendship, explaining only their secrecy, but not their bond. That edge of mystery rolls through the story across the morning fog and swells the reader's imagination, without turning on the video to explain each nuance.
Is there any intended metaphor between our main character's name and your reality? ingrid
reply by the author on 17-May-2012
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A beautifully penned story. This tale relied strongly on a visual seduction, pulling your readers into the predawn hours of the wilderness.
Once you banked your canoe, you took it further into the bond between two men, entering their conciousness and their lifelong friendship, explaining only their secrecy, but not their bond. That edge of mystery rolls through the story across the morning fog and swells the reader's imagination, without turning on the video to explain each nuance.
Is there any intended metaphor between our main character's name and your reality? ingrid
Comment Written 16-May-2012
reply by the author on 17-May-2012
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Thank you so much, Ingrid. I'm pleased you were seduced by the setting. It is an area I'm working on. Sometimes I rely too heavily on dialogue and characters. Big Head, or Hump, I'll answer to either. Thanks again. Peace, Lee
Comment from writer c
Lee, this narrative is beautifully wrought. You, so admired for your dialogue, give me such a sense of the land in this one. The first part of this story is very much like an imagistic haibun, one I wish I had written. I loved so much description crafted in loving detail, evoking serenity, beauty. The fog so symbolic, too. Your characters are always so memorable, and these two are no exception. I not only was captured by your story, but I learned a little history. I love the Indian name for the lakes..the Spirit's handprint. What an image. I love your last line. What a joy it is for me to read your work.
Carol
reply by the author on 17-May-2012
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Lee, this narrative is beautifully wrought. You, so admired for your dialogue, give me such a sense of the land in this one. The first part of this story is very much like an imagistic haibun, one I wish I had written. I loved so much description crafted in loving detail, evoking serenity, beauty. The fog so symbolic, too. Your characters are always so memorable, and these two are no exception. I not only was captured by your story, but I learned a little history. I love the Indian name for the lakes..the Spirit's handprint. What an image. I love your last line. What a joy it is for me to read your work.
Carol
Comment Written 16-May-2012
reply by the author on 17-May-2012
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Carol, thank you so much. It was important for me to establish a setting here (an area I often neglect). It means a lot that you felt the 'place' and maybe even the time. I really appreciate this affirmation, Sis. Thanks again. Peace, Lee
Comment from Larrypic11
I like, Lee. Some may not like the undefined nature of Big Head, but I like imagination here myself and I'm glad you avoided the temptation of describing him in detail.
"I've make this voyage," -- "made"
"Many soldiers, Turtle. Not just the local militia." Combine with a comma, and I would find another way to say "militia".
Be well. Larry
reply by the author on 17-May-2012
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I like, Lee. Some may not like the undefined nature of Big Head, but I like imagination here myself and I'm glad you avoided the temptation of describing him in detail.
"I've make this voyage," -- "made"
"Many soldiers, Turtle. Not just the local militia." Combine with a comma, and I would find another way to say "militia".
Be well. Larry
Comment Written 16-May-2012
reply by the author on 17-May-2012
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Thank you, Larry. I'm glad you mentioned the 'undefined nature' of Big Head. It wasn't so much a conscious decision, as my own inability to really look at him. He didn't want me to. I know, I'm weird. I will look for another way to say 'militia', but that was a pretty common term even in pre-Revolution America---farmers with muskets. Anyway, thank you again, friend. Peace, Lee
Comment from adewpearl
Just as there is not a single drop of water in this land of lakes, I have not - add comma
I am intrigued by the narrator's explanation of who he is
So I, the monster, was alone - I would add that comma after monster
When I'm certain I've cleared the point, I switch - add comma
and act that, if seen by another - AN act
I have killed other men for speaking to me that way, from Turtle - I would make that comma a semicolon or period or dash
Is that too much to do for your brothers? - add question mark
I am absolutely fascinated by this narrator and his relationship with Turtle :-)
What a powerful look at this period of history. Brooke
reply by the author on 17-May-2012
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Just as there is not a single drop of water in this land of lakes, I have not - add comma
I am intrigued by the narrator's explanation of who he is
So I, the monster, was alone - I would add that comma after monster
When I'm certain I've cleared the point, I switch - add comma
and act that, if seen by another - AN act
I have killed other men for speaking to me that way, from Turtle - I would make that comma a semicolon or period or dash
Is that too much to do for your brothers? - add question mark
I am absolutely fascinated by this narrator and his relationship with Turtle :-)
What a powerful look at this period of history. Brooke
Comment Written 16-May-2012
reply by the author on 17-May-2012
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Thank you, Brooke. One of these days I need to take a SPAG class! I appreciate your help, and your kind words. I think the northeastern tribes get short shrift in the discussions of Native American displacement. Thanks again. Peace, Lee
Comment from dportwood
humpwhistle,
You have brought the characters into the story with description, dialogue, and narrative in such a way as to make them real and believable. The historical aspect is also well presented. Nicely done.
Duane
reply by the author on 17-May-2012
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humpwhistle,
You have brought the characters into the story with description, dialogue, and narrative in such a way as to make them real and believable. The historical aspect is also well presented. Nicely done.
Duane
Comment Written 16-May-2012
reply by the author on 17-May-2012
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Thank you, Duane. Your comments means a lot. Peace, Lee
Comment from gazzagodbod
love history was my favourite subject at school so as soon as i saw the date i was hooked and i wasnt dissapointed thanks gazzagodbod
reply by the author on 17-May-2012
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love history was my favourite subject at school so as soon as i saw the date i was hooked and i wasnt dissapointed thanks gazzagodbod
Comment Written 16-May-2012
reply by the author on 17-May-2012
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Thank you, gazz. I love to dabble in histrical fiction. I prefer pointilism to the broad brush strokes of most texts. I'm glad you enjoyed. Peace, Lee
Comment from ScarletClearwater
This was a very interesting read. i often don't read about Indians and their traditions and such. You painted a good picture with this story. Nice work.
reply by the author on 17-May-2012
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This was a very interesting read. i often don't read about Indians and their traditions and such. You painted a good picture with this story. Nice work.
Comment Written 16-May-2012
reply by the author on 17-May-2012
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Thank you, Scarlet. Native American history is fascinating, and rife with stories waiting to be told. I'm glad you enjoyed. Peace, Lee
Comment from Writingfundimension
Your war fiction piece is extremely welll-written, Lee. The Six Nations are a people with a fascinating history - truly a force to be reckoned with. I really like how you use your protagonist's disabilities to create a legitimate sense of the way two Indians would speak with each other. This is worth a six, but I am too generous and have only a five. Take care, Bev
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reply by the author on 17-May-2012
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Your war fiction piece is extremely welll-written, Lee. The Six Nations are a people with a fascinating history - truly a force to be reckoned with. I really like how you use your protagonist's disabilities to create a legitimate sense of the way two Indians would speak with each other. This is worth a six, but I am too generous and have only a five. Take care, Bev
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-May-2012
reply by the author on 17-May-2012
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Thank you, Bev. Since reading the Leatherstocking Tales I have been fascinated by the northeastern tribes, and their seldom-told tales. I'm delighted you enjoyed. Peace, Lee
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You're welcome, Lee.