Precious Gems: An Anthology
Viewing comments for Chapter 12 "New Ground"A Rhyming Collection of Treasured Works
33 total reviews
Comment from Nedrajean
Good writing - you tell what happened without using any words. That is a good writer! I like your rhyming and the idea of telling the tale from the child's point of view. Best of luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2008
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Good writing - you tell what happened without using any words. That is a good writer! I like your rhyming and the idea of telling the tale from the child's point of view. Best of luck in the contest.
Comment Written 10-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2008
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Thanks so much Nedrajean. I haven't written from a "child's" perspective before, so your review is great encouragement. Thanks for this wonderful review and also for the good luck wishes! xoxoxoxoxo
Comment from Sandman
Hello Apacalady, I really liked this piece, it wasn't anything I expected. I thought this piece flowed really well in the mass majority of the content with the exception of"
"My sister hasn't spoken much, she is asleep right now.
If I wake her up, we're almost sure to have a row."
you did so well with the rhyme scheme before and after this point that it made this part a big bump in the road for the flow for me.
"now" and "row" just don't click together for me and perhaps something as simple as "if I wake her up, she's sure to have a cow" would fix it.
otherwise however, I did like this piece and I hope to see more from you.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2008
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Hello Apacalady, I really liked this piece, it wasn't anything I expected. I thought this piece flowed really well in the mass majority of the content with the exception of"
"My sister hasn't spoken much, she is asleep right now.
If I wake her up, we're almost sure to have a row."
you did so well with the rhyme scheme before and after this point that it made this part a big bump in the road for the flow for me.
"now" and "row" just don't click together for me and perhaps something as simple as "if I wake her up, she's sure to have a cow" would fix it.
otherwise however, I did like this piece and I hope to see more from you.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 09-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2008
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Thanks Sandman! Not sure about the "cow" bit though...doesnt make sense to me I have to say! xoxoxxoo
Comment from Robbin
Excellent "Poetry In Art" contest entry. A very sad story told from a confused and afraid child's point of view. Yet it does a happy side and perfecting ending. Moving on from that life of pain to a place where the sun always shines. Thanks for sharing. Robbin
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2008
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Excellent "Poetry In Art" contest entry. A very sad story told from a confused and afraid child's point of view. Yet it does a happy side and perfecting ending. Moving on from that life of pain to a place where the sun always shines. Thanks for sharing. Robbin
Comment Written 09-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2008
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Thanks Robbin for this wonderul review. Am glad you liked this one.xoxoxoxxo
Comment from ExperiencingLiphe
Ohhh I wish that someone would take me away to new ground. Maybe I can join your family. I wish I could give you and your kids a big hug. I'm here if you ever need to talk
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2008
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Ohhh I wish that someone would take me away to new ground. Maybe I can join your family. I wish I could give you and your kids a big hug. I'm here if you ever need to talk
Comment Written 09-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2008
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It's ok blah blah blah! This isn't about me. This I wrote for the contest, and also wanted to do it from the eyes of one of the children sitting in the back of the car as it went along through the driving rain. I usually say if something is biographical or not, and didn't this time, so sorry to have misled you. But jus the same, thank you so very much, not only for this wonderful review, but your offer of help and an ear. Very kind of you, and it's great to know there are caring people like you still left in the world xoxoxoxxoo
Comment from Gert sherwood
alpacalady Now this is excellent great rhyme with a sad story about a brave mother. Your poem is a story we read about so much, but you told it so well showing the fright of the narrator (the child)
Bravo
I wish you the best in the contest.
Gert
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2008
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alpacalady Now this is excellent great rhyme with a sad story about a brave mother. Your poem is a story we read about so much, but you told it so well showing the fright of the narrator (the child)
Bravo
I wish you the best in the contest.
Gert
Comment Written 09-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2008
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Thank you so much Gert, for this great review, and also your good luck wishes. I'm glad you enjoyed this as much as you did. xoxoxoxoxxoxo
Comment from jshep
I think this is a winner. Puts mine to shame. Amazing story with the photo. You have done a marvelous job. Found no spag. The flow, the rhyme, the rhythm are perfect, and the message is outstanding, especially coming from the eyes of a young child. You evoke great emotion is this piece.
Do have one suggestion. Your stanzas are all 4 lines except for stanza 8, which is 6 lines. I might suggest you make that 4, drop to the next stanza, make that 4, drop the next stanza and make that 4, and let the last 2 lines stand out on their own. Makes for better structure and leaves a more powerful ending.
Great job. You have the winner here.
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2008
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I think this is a winner. Puts mine to shame. Amazing story with the photo. You have done a marvelous job. Found no spag. The flow, the rhyme, the rhythm are perfect, and the message is outstanding, especially coming from the eyes of a young child. You evoke great emotion is this piece.
Do have one suggestion. Your stanzas are all 4 lines except for stanza 8, which is 6 lines. I might suggest you make that 4, drop to the next stanza, make that 4, drop the next stanza and make that 4, and let the last 2 lines stand out on their own. Makes for better structure and leaves a more powerful ending.
Great job. You have the winner here.
Comment Written 09-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2008
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Thank you so much jshep for this great review! I was a bit stuck on that stanza, so will take a look. I think I were tired and couldn't think how to fix it, so your suggestion may work wonders. Thank you again for your help and thoughtful reviews, as always xoxoxoxoxo
PS: Have been in and made that change. It is much better! Thank you, yet again, for your continued support and help my friend! xoxoxoxo
Comment from amadan01
This is very good. The 'voice' of Joe is well rendered and the poem slides into the stickier part of the subject matter very smoothly, but with a building sense of how 'not right' things are. Very good job, and best of luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2008
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This is very good. The 'voice' of Joe is well rendered and the poem slides into the stickier part of the subject matter very smoothly, but with a building sense of how 'not right' things are. Very good job, and best of luck in the contest.
Comment Written 09-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2008
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Thank you amadan! I'm happy that the flow of the story worked well for you. I did have some bother with that, so your words tell me I might have succeeded! Thank you again for a great review! xoxoxoxoxo
Comment from mmichelle97219
Little kids pick up so much even when we try to protect them. I thought this was another well done story telling poem.
Michelle
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2008
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Little kids pick up so much even when we try to protect them. I thought this was another well done story telling poem.
Michelle
Comment Written 09-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2008
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Thank you so much my friend. I'm glad you enjoyed this one xoxoxoxoo
Comment from carolm5415
Really really good. It really goes with the lonely car on the foggy road seeming to go nowhere. Wouldn't it be wonderful if spousal abuse would just drive away?
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2008
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Really really good. It really goes with the lonely car on the foggy road seeming to go nowhere. Wouldn't it be wonderful if spousal abuse would just drive away?
Comment Written 09-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2008
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Wouldn't it? But I suppose for those unlucky enough, it's them who have to do the driving...
Thanks Carol for a wonderful review! xoxoxoxo
Comment from fastdigits
An interesting, well crafted piece of
writing which tracks various emotions
as you read through your creation,
a sad commentary, tinged with a bit
of humor.
A tale of sadness written in rhyme form
that flows beautifully from start to finish.
Well done
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2008
 |
An interesting, well crafted piece of
writing which tracks various emotions
as you read through your creation,
a sad commentary, tinged with a bit
of humor.
A tale of sadness written in rhyme form
that flows beautifully from start to finish.
Well done
Comment Written 09-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2008
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As said in pm, thank you so much fastdigits. My day has started off very well indeed! xoxoxoxo