Willing Hearts
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Willing Hearts Chapter 1"Solve a crime and fall in love at the same time?
39 total reviews
Comment from tfawcus
This is off to a cracking start, Barbara. Great build-up of tension as you switch POV between Sami and Noah. It's a pity you had to spill the beans, telling us who Noah is in the character list. I'd like to have been kept guessing a bit longer!
Great characterisation of the policeman and the foster parents, and of course, of Sami herself.
She probably ran-a-way and used you as an alibi. (ran away)
We'd be out the money while she's off having fun." ('out the money' Is this an American idiom?)
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2024
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This is off to a cracking start, Barbara. Great build-up of tension as you switch POV between Sami and Noah. It's a pity you had to spill the beans, telling us who Noah is in the character list. I'd like to have been kept guessing a bit longer!
Great characterisation of the policeman and the foster parents, and of course, of Sami herself.
She probably ran-a-way and used you as an alibi. (ran away)
We'd be out the money while she's off having fun." ('out the money' Is this an American idiom?)
Comment Written 25-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2024
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Thank you for the kind review and the support. Yes, it is, I'll look into another way to write. Am fixing the other one.
Comment from royowen
There's a lot of people trafficking in the world, and I believe some finish up in some rich middle eastern gentlemen's harem, and some in prostitution. Heaven knows where these girls will finish, some foster parents foster for the money, well done, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2024
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There's a lot of people trafficking in the world, and I believe some finish up in some rich middle eastern gentlemen's harem, and some in prostitution. Heaven knows where these girls will finish, some foster parents foster for the money, well done, blessings Roy
Comment Written 25-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2024
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Thank you for the kind review and the support. I'm sorry to ask, but did you mean to give me four stars. If so, please let me know what I can fix.
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Of course not, I?ve changed it, sorry Barbara
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Thank you. It happens to me often. It seems my finger enjoys rolling. I did get a four on it. I guess it was boring to read.
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It was fine Barbara.
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I know it was long. I'm hoping that was the issue. People want the fast money.
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That?s emotional on their part, you always deserve top marks
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Thank you. One of her comments was the characters weren't well defined and so it was boring to read. I thought I described the characters and showed emotion.
Comment from Douglas Goff
This one is starting out strong. I would have saved a sixer for it if I had known it was coming. This is currently a hot topic and should have a fair shot at placing in this competition.
Hopefully Seth and Emma are never finished. Oh, you meant the book. Ha! I am looking forward to the next chapter. Traffickers are a scourge.
D
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2024
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This one is starting out strong. I would have saved a sixer for it if I had known it was coming. This is currently a hot topic and should have a fair shot at placing in this competition.
Hopefully Seth and Emma are never finished. Oh, you meant the book. Ha! I am looking forward to the next chapter. Traffickers are a scourge.
D
Comment Written 25-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2024
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Thank you for the virtual six and the kind support. No, I will finish Seth and Emma first. I am hoping to post this one on Wednesday's until I finish Seth and Emma, then post it on Sunday's. I'm hoping to post this every week, can't promise, will only promise to every other week.
Comment from Rosemary Everson1
There is a lot of human trafficking happening in our world today. Your story will certainly be of importance to read. I sure hope it will end with a happy ending. Most of them do not though .... We'll see what happens in your story. Best of Luck.
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2024
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There is a lot of human trafficking happening in our world today. Your story will certainly be of importance to read. I sure hope it will end with a happy ending. Most of them do not though .... We'll see what happens in your story. Best of Luck.
Comment Written 24-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2024
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Thank you for the kind review and the support.
Comment from Wendy G
An engrossing read, and quite fast-moving. Different from your other stories. I wasn't sure if it was realistic for the teacher to be in tears, but that may be her personality. The police seem incompetent and disinterested! Or perhaps involved themselves with the snatching of the girls .... Well done. Best wishes for the contest.
Wendy
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2024
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An engrossing read, and quite fast-moving. Different from your other stories. I wasn't sure if it was realistic for the teacher to be in tears, but that may be her personality. The police seem incompetent and disinterested! Or perhaps involved themselves with the snatching of the girls .... Well done. Best wishes for the contest.
Wendy
Comment Written 24-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2024
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Thank you for the kind review and the support.
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
Well this is a real difference from the last stories of yours I read. I like it a lot except that your characters hide under a mask of politeness. I don't think they could keep that up with the stress. Also, I believe the secret to the success of these first chapter entries is to keep them as short as possible above 2000w. I think you should either end the chapter earlier, or tighten it up. You could end with Julia going home, or cut Julia out altogether for the moment.
SPAGs:
At least traffic's reasonable > At least the traffic's reasonable
joined in with tears > joined in the tears
and Alice worked long hours." > and that Alice worked long hours."
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2024
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Well this is a real difference from the last stories of yours I read. I like it a lot except that your characters hide under a mask of politeness. I don't think they could keep that up with the stress. Also, I believe the secret to the success of these first chapter entries is to keep them as short as possible above 2000w. I think you should either end the chapter earlier, or tighten it up. You could end with Julia going home, or cut Julia out altogether for the moment.
SPAGs:
At least traffic's reasonable > At least the traffic's reasonable
joined in with tears > joined in the tears
and Alice worked long hours." > and that Alice worked long hours."
Comment Written 24-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2024
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Thank you for the kind review and the support. I'll look into those corrections.
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
Dear Barbara, this started so well and I loved it. But the length and repetition of questioning actually got rather irritating. There just wasn't enough contrast and variation in the write to hold my attention. But I did keep going all the way through. I know you have a required number of words to complete but it seemed longer than most entries. Good luck anyway! Debbie
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2024
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Dear Barbara, this started so well and I loved it. But the length and repetition of questioning actually got rather irritating. There just wasn't enough contrast and variation in the write to hold my attention. But I did keep going all the way through. I know you have a required number of words to complete but it seemed longer than most entries. Good luck anyway! Debbie
Comment Written 24-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 25-Jan-2024
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Thank you for the kind review and the support.
Comment from Ben Colder
It is good but I got tired of reading. It made feel angry at the police and their incompetence ignoring the facts. However, I watch date line and see the same. Good one, Barb. Should make a good book.
The Ribbon is out on the market.
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2024
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It is good but I got tired of reading. It made feel angry at the police and their incompetence ignoring the facts. However, I watch date line and see the same. Good one, Barb. Should make a good book.
The Ribbon is out on the market.
Comment Written 24-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2024
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Thank you for the kind review. I appreciate the support. I know it was long. It's a requirement for the contest or I would have broken it into 3 parts. I will look for your book. I couldn't find it.
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I was not impressed with the trailer, but I placed it on my portal anyway.
Amazon has it.
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Hope you win the contest it is a great story. Pay no attention to me. I tire easly.
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I checked Amazon and searched for it.
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It is done in my Christian name. Charles Ezell. I will see if I can get a line to it.
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I tried again, by using you as the author and still nothing came up.
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
I am sorry, but I found your story to lack interest. It was like Dragnet. Just the facts, ma'am. This needs editing. Also, I completely lost interest halfway through. We needed more backstory before the snatch so that we would care about the people. We needed more moving action. "She crushed the paper bag in anger, and so forth." We needed to see emotion. "With tears in her eyes, she faced the policeman." Things like that. Make corrections and I will correct to a 5. Karen
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reply by the author on 24-Jan-2024
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I am sorry, but I found your story to lack interest. It was like Dragnet. Just the facts, ma'am. This needs editing. Also, I completely lost interest halfway through. We needed more backstory before the snatch so that we would care about the people. We needed more moving action. "She crushed the paper bag in anger, and so forth." We needed to see emotion. "With tears in her eyes, she faced the policeman." Things like that. Make corrections and I will correct to a 5. Karen
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 24-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2024
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Thank you for your input. Usually, chapter 1 is just introducing the people and the problem. I did that. Sorry it didn't interest you.
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You did introduce the problem, but you did not introduce the people. That is the problem. We need to be pulling for both of them from the start. You have her rushing as if her life depends on it from the start, without really explaining why she feels this way. She seems far more concerned about than the girl, why is that? Karen
Comment from T B Botts
Hello Barbara,
Wow, what a start to a novel. I'm glad I had reserved one six. This is sure worthy of it. I was going to say that the story was a little bit long, but I saw that it was for a contest. I'm so glad to hear that you're going to be posting this on a regular basis. It touches on something that distresses me so much. I had gone to the theatre and watched Sound of Freedom and got so angry. There has to be more that can be done to protect the innocent children around the world. America is the number one spot for exploiting these kids. What is wrong with this country? How is it that we have fallen so far from what we once were? God help us all. If something doesn't change soon, there will be no America. Thanks so much for sharing this gal.
Have a blessed day.
Tom
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2024
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Hello Barbara,
Wow, what a start to a novel. I'm glad I had reserved one six. This is sure worthy of it. I was going to say that the story was a little bit long, but I saw that it was for a contest. I'm so glad to hear that you're going to be posting this on a regular basis. It touches on something that distresses me so much. I had gone to the theatre and watched Sound of Freedom and got so angry. There has to be more that can be done to protect the innocent children around the world. America is the number one spot for exploiting these kids. What is wrong with this country? How is it that we have fallen so far from what we once were? God help us all. If something doesn't change soon, there will be no America. Thanks so much for sharing this gal.
Have a blessed day.
Tom
Comment Written 24-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 24-Jan-2024
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Thank you for the kind review and the understanding.