Broken branches
Families, grown apart from the start60 total reviews
Comment from Anntonette
I like how each stanza balances out the other by having the same amount of lines. The first stanza reminds me slightly of an Ode to nature, very neat.
- Anntonette J
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2019
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I like how each stanza balances out the other by having the same amount of lines. The first stanza reminds me slightly of an Ode to nature, very neat.
- Anntonette J
Comment Written 26-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2019
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My sincere thank you.
Comment from Kerry Foley
Hello there, my friend. You did a lovely job penning this poem. I love the repetition of: "Riding broken branches in the sky." It is sad how families grow apart, in your notes was even sadder: "or perhaps it was just one in the family that was a broken branch?" Hmm... I think I may be the branch that fell off the tree in my family. lol. Good luck! ~Kerry
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2019
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Hello there, my friend. You did a lovely job penning this poem. I love the repetition of: "Riding broken branches in the sky." It is sad how families grow apart, in your notes was even sadder: "or perhaps it was just one in the family that was a broken branch?" Hmm... I think I may be the branch that fell off the tree in my family. lol. Good luck! ~Kerry
Comment Written 26-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2019
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I hope that your branch fell gentle to the ground, thanks for your comments.
Comment from shaffer40
This is a beautiful poem dedicated to one of our most cherished natural wonders--trees and their branches, interchanged with the paths that our loved ones take. I would never have thought of this, and I admire your poetic talent.
Just one thing: likened too a dozen fingers [should be "to" rather than "too"
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2019
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This is a beautiful poem dedicated to one of our most cherished natural wonders--trees and their branches, interchanged with the paths that our loved ones take. I would never have thought of this, and I admire your poetic talent.
Just one thing: likened too a dozen fingers [should be "to" rather than "too"
Comment Written 26-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2019
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Corrected and thank you much for your comments.
Comment from bhogg
JLR - I like your post, but you really need to re-visit to accommodate the requirements of your contest. The analogy of broken limbs and broken families is quite good. I look forward to reading more of your work. Bill
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2019
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JLR - I like your post, but you really need to re-visit to accommodate the requirements of your contest. The analogy of broken limbs and broken families is quite good. I look forward to reading more of your work. Bill
Comment Written 26-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2019
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Bill, I know I blew this one, even after working with the CEC, I have so much to learn and it is a learning process that is am in. YOur ho est and critical feedback is so very valuable! I am indeed grateful.
Comment from estory
I liked the echoing refrain of the Riding the broken branches in the sky. Also the repeated snapping. It created a great sense of standing still in the poem, to go along with the sense of movement created by the first two lines in each stanza. An interesting, imaginative form, with great musical elements and great visual elements. estory
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2019
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I liked the echoing refrain of the Riding the broken branches in the sky. Also the repeated snapping. It created a great sense of standing still in the poem, to go along with the sense of movement created by the first two lines in each stanza. An interesting, imaginative form, with great musical elements and great visual elements. estory
Comment Written 26-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2019
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My greatest thank you!
Comment from Brenda Henderson
Well written. This is very relatable . Many families suffer rifts and broken relationships i.e. broken branches. You have done an excellent job of capturing the essence of this common problem . Excellent twist with your subject discovering that they were the one that left. Solid work.
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2019
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Well written. This is very relatable . Many families suffer rifts and broken relationships i.e. broken branches. You have done an excellent job of capturing the essence of this common problem . Excellent twist with your subject discovering that they were the one that left. Solid work.
Comment Written 26-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2019
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So grateful I am,for your kind words.
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You're very welcome!
Comment from Janice Canerdy
You have given a dramatically moving description of families that simply
are not close. So many families are fractured from the start or become so
at some point. I don't like giving 4's, but your poem is not written according to the directions: 1. verse 2. chorus 3. verse 4. chorus
5. verse 6. chorus 7. verse.
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2019
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You have given a dramatically moving description of families that simply
are not close. So many families are fractured from the start or become so
at some point. I don't like giving 4's, but your poem is not written according to the directions: 1. verse 2. chorus 3. verse 4. chorus
5. verse 6. chorus 7. verse.
Comment Written 26-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2019
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I made extensive changes after being contacted by the CEC.
Thank you however for your taking time to read this neophyte work in progress.
Comment from Rachelle Allen
I know lots and lots of families in my line of work, and there are broken branches everywhere; it's not just yours. This is well done, JLR. I liked the repetition of the words 'broken branch' because it drives home that it's a question that just won't leave your mind. xo
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2019
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I know lots and lots of families in my line of work, and there are broken branches everywhere; it's not just yours. This is well done, JLR. I liked the repetition of the words 'broken branch' because it drives home that it's a question that just won't leave your mind. xo
Comment Written 26-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2019
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Thank for your comments.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Good job overall, but one repeating line bothers me.
Riding, broken branches in the sky. <-- There should be no comma in this phrase. It is incorrect and also causes the reader to "trip" over it. Remove the comma, and you'll have a much better poem.
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2019
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Good job overall, but one repeating line bothers me.
Riding, broken branches in the sky. <-- There should be no comma in this phrase. It is incorrect and also causes the reader to "trip" over it. Remove the comma, and you'll have a much better poem.
Comment Written 26-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2019
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Thank Phyllis a correct and great recommendation.
Comment from rspoet
Hello JRL,
You've written an excellent free verse poem that flows nicely
with the repeated line of broken branches in the sky.
There is little conflict of images in the 'gentle' breeze and the broken branches.
The image of the tree expands nicely to a family tree, the tree of life, and the tree of nature.
Great photo to match.
As far as the contest goes, the prompt requires it to be rhymes so this probably won't be accepted.
But still, an excellent poem with very good imagery.
Robert
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2019
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Hello JRL,
You've written an excellent free verse poem that flows nicely
with the repeated line of broken branches in the sky.
There is little conflict of images in the 'gentle' breeze and the broken branches.
The image of the tree expands nicely to a family tree, the tree of life, and the tree of nature.
Great photo to match.
As far as the contest goes, the prompt requires it to be rhymes so this probably won't be accepted.
But still, an excellent poem with very good imagery.
Robert
Comment Written 26-Jun-2019
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2019
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Thanks a Robert.
