This Time - That Time 3
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "Mildred! That's a Zeppelin..."Third book in the time travel trilogy
29 total reviews
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
I enjoyed your chapter, Sandra. You included some great info. I like the part about the people looking for a safe place to hide. Your descriptive words about the sounds of the bombs etc. were great. The part about the young boy and his sister gave a nice little break and allowed readers to focus on how WW1 affected those in London. I like the ending and can hardly wait for the next chapter. Thanks for sharing. Jan
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2018
  |
I enjoyed your chapter, Sandra. You included some great info. I like the part about the people looking for a safe place to hide. Your descriptive words about the sounds of the bombs etc. were great. The part about the young boy and his sister gave a nice little break and allowed readers to focus on how WW1 affected those in London. I like the ending and can hardly wait for the next chapter. Thanks for sharing. Jan
Comment Written 30-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2018
-
Thank you so much, Jan. Your review is so nice. It's strange to think that war ended 100 years ago this year. They weren't good days. I'm really pleased you enjoyed this part, thanks my friend. :) Sandra xxx
Comment from Ulla
Wow, Sandra, that's an ending and a half. So poor Gladys is dead. Whoa, I wonder who killed her. Her bully of a husband? Well it could be. But I'll have to wait and see. It's a great chapter and you describe the ensuing mayhem taking place after the attacks so very well. I can't wait reading on.
My family left a few hours ago, and I miss them dreadfully already. We had such a great time. Tomorrow I'll be fine again. A big hug. Ulla xxx
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2018
 |
Wow, Sandra, that's an ending and a half. So poor Gladys is dead. Whoa, I wonder who killed her. Her bully of a husband? Well it could be. But I'll have to wait and see. It's a great chapter and you describe the ensuing mayhem taking place after the attacks so very well. I can't wait reading on.
My family left a few hours ago, and I miss them dreadfully already. We had such a great time. Tomorrow I'll be fine again. A big hug. Ulla xxx
Comment Written 30-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2018
-
I expect you will miss them, Ulla. It's too bad that they live so far away from you. Did you never think to move closer to them?
Thank you so much for the lovely six stars, and wonderful review. I really appreciate your comments. Big hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
-
No, I'm never moving back to Denmark. I love to live here and thrive. I have many friends as well. Today I'm fine again. We've all agreed that we have to visit each other a little more often. xxx
Comment from Mustang Patty
Hi, Sandra,
A very stressful time in England and your time travelers are right in the mix of it. You did a wonderful job of description and building the tension in the scene. I don't think Americans would do as well if this were to happen - we would have too many folks running around with their own guns and those who would be hoarding food and supplies.
Great chapter and I look forward to the next,
~MP~
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2018
|
Hi, Sandra,
A very stressful time in England and your time travelers are right in the mix of it. You did a wonderful job of description and building the tension in the scene. I don't think Americans would do as well if this were to happen - we would have too many folks running around with their own guns and those who would be hoarding food and supplies.
Great chapter and I look forward to the next,
~MP~
Comment Written 30-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2018
-
Thank you, Patty. I had to laugh at your comment of the Americans running around with their own guns and stockpiling food. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing. Thanks for your lovely review, my friend. Big hugs, Sandra xxx
Comment from apky
Although I've always admired both Veronica and Mildred, I don't much envy them now with all those shrapnel flying, finding themselves landed in the middle of a war!
That said, your writing is as always exuberant and racy, keeping the reader on the edge. War or not, I'm going to keep following my heroines wherever they land.
Hugs,
Aki
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2018
|
Although I've always admired both Veronica and Mildred, I don't much envy them now with all those shrapnel flying, finding themselves landed in the middle of a war!
That said, your writing is as always exuberant and racy, keeping the reader on the edge. War or not, I'm going to keep following my heroines wherever they land.
Hugs,
Aki
Comment Written 30-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2018
-
Thank you, Aki. Yes, they do seem to have fallen on a tricky situation at the moment. But, don't underestimate Veronica and Mildred, they are a good team. I'm so pleased you'll continue following them. Thank you my friend. :)) Sandra xx
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Sandra,
Another very good chapter and definitely six worthy in terms of content and description. there a few little bits and pieces though-
"Hey, what's all them tears for? she asked - need closing speech marks here.
We listened for at least two hours to the endless onslaught - not sure about endless here. If it was two hours it wasn't endless, you could insert seemingly prior to this or change to something like continual, or constant, perpetual. or leave it and call me a pedant. lol
Then all of a sudden, we were plunged into total darkness.- the all of a sudden may be superfluous. The plunged signifies the unexpectedness of it.
not that it'll matter if we ain't got 'ouses t' go back to."- all the other 't's' are clipped except the last one here.
which was as earie as the overhead explosions - eerie.
others in torment at finding their loved one's dead.- ones, just a plural here.
while other's with minor injuries were being attended - others, just a plural again.
Great end point as well.
G
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2018
|
Hi Sandra,
Another very good chapter and definitely six worthy in terms of content and description. there a few little bits and pieces though-
"Hey, what's all them tears for? she asked - need closing speech marks here.
We listened for at least two hours to the endless onslaught - not sure about endless here. If it was two hours it wasn't endless, you could insert seemingly prior to this or change to something like continual, or constant, perpetual. or leave it and call me a pedant. lol
Then all of a sudden, we were plunged into total darkness.- the all of a sudden may be superfluous. The plunged signifies the unexpectedness of it.
not that it'll matter if we ain't got 'ouses t' go back to."- all the other 't's' are clipped except the last one here.
which was as earie as the overhead explosions - eerie.
others in torment at finding their loved one's dead.- ones, just a plural here.
while other's with minor injuries were being attended - others, just a plural again.
Great end point as well.
G
Comment Written 30-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2018
-
Thank you so much for this wonderful, helpful review, Gareth. I hummed and haahd over that end 'to'/ t' trying to say it aloud to see how it sounded both ways, did the to come out like a t' or a to. I plumped for the to, and waited to see what you all thought. I've turned it into, t', now.
I had a bit of an argument with a friend over the, one's / ones dead... She was right, now to see if she's still speaking to me!
I've changed, 'endless' to 'constant' onslaught...
and made a change to the 'all of a sudden' by putting the second part first:
Children screamed out in terror when we were plunged into total darkness. It wasn't only the children who were frightened as I heard a few adults nervously swear nearby.
Thanks again, my friend, I'm really pleased you thought the description and content was good. :)) Big hugs my friend. Sandra xx
-
actually,changed it to:
It wasn't only the children we were frightened as I could hear a bit of nervous swearing coming from a few adults nearby.
-
who were frightened! lol
Comment from sandragee
I felt like I was down there in the tube station with all those people. "Everyone was cramped together in the gas-lit tomb that had become their refuge. I got claustrophobic just reading the line. Very intense scene. Well done.
A couple of thoughts:
The silence [in the] inside the tube station...or The silence in [inside] the tube station...
The firemen were already tackling the fire with their hoses[,] by the time...
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2018
|
I felt like I was down there in the tube station with all those people. "Everyone was cramped together in the gas-lit tomb that had become their refuge. I got claustrophobic just reading the line. Very intense scene. Well done.
A couple of thoughts:
The silence [in the] inside the tube station...or The silence in [inside] the tube station...
The firemen were already tackling the fire with their hoses[,] by the time...
Comment Written 30-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2018
-
Thank you so much, Sandra, for your lovely review, and for pointing out those little nits that escaped! I've made the corrections now. :)) Big hugs, my friend. Sandra xxx
Comment from rama devi
Great dramatic scene and what an amazing closing hook. WHEW!
As usual, except characterization, dialog and diction. Good pacing, but it could be improved by tightening and trimming. Also, good descriptive detail...but it leans toward telling in some places. Small amount of spag, which I know you'll fix, so five stars in advance.
* We turned to follow them,(no ,) and almost tripped over a little boy who was(TRIM WHO WAS) crying his heart out as he lay sprawled on the road.
*
Mildred immediately(TRIM IMMEDIATELY - as it is implied) dropped to her knees, scooped him up into her arms, and was back on her feet and running in less time than it took to turn around.
*Bit of a run on sentence:
With the nightmare that had just materialised, seeing dead, mutilated bodies, as well as hearing screams of terror, it must have traumatised a small child, especially one whose mother was nowhere to be seen.
Maybe try trimming filler words and implied words and tightening to:
With the nightmare of dead, mutilated bodies and screams of terror, it must have traumatised a small child, especially one whose mother was nowhere to be seen.
*I could only hope that(,) in the mayhem surrounding them, he'd somehow been separated from her, and she wasn't one of the dead and injured people scattered about.
I like the alliteration here of D and E:
Mildred ducked and dived as she tried to dodge the relentless onslaught of shrapnel created by the explosions erupting around us.
* Then(,) all of a sudden, we were plunged into total darkness.
*
An unexpected stillness swept along the tunnel, which was as earie
eerie
*
Everyone's eyes were focused on the exit, and the relief of seeing a policeman emerge with a large gas lamp to tell them it was safe to come out,(no ,) had everyone cheering.
* When she called out his name(,) it was impossible not to hear the obvious relief in her voice.
* The firemen were already tackling the fires with their hoses, by the time we'd left the underground station(,) and several people were shouting out names, scurrying around, digging and moving rubble with their bare hands as they tried to get to people who were buried alive.
But if a run on consider revising.
*
Mildred went over to see if she could assist in any way, and I followed(,) feeling totally useless.
*One of the doctors was pleased to accept her offer of help, and told her they were crying out for volunteers at the hospital.
POV issue - how do you know the doctor was pleased/ Better to show than tell, anyway, so I suggest:
One of the doctors burst into a beaming smile at her offer of help,
Lots of Love,
rd
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2018
|
Great dramatic scene and what an amazing closing hook. WHEW!
As usual, except characterization, dialog and diction. Good pacing, but it could be improved by tightening and trimming. Also, good descriptive detail...but it leans toward telling in some places. Small amount of spag, which I know you'll fix, so five stars in advance.
* We turned to follow them,(no ,) and almost tripped over a little boy who was(TRIM WHO WAS) crying his heart out as he lay sprawled on the road.
*
Mildred immediately(TRIM IMMEDIATELY - as it is implied) dropped to her knees, scooped him up into her arms, and was back on her feet and running in less time than it took to turn around.
*Bit of a run on sentence:
With the nightmare that had just materialised, seeing dead, mutilated bodies, as well as hearing screams of terror, it must have traumatised a small child, especially one whose mother was nowhere to be seen.
Maybe try trimming filler words and implied words and tightening to:
With the nightmare of dead, mutilated bodies and screams of terror, it must have traumatised a small child, especially one whose mother was nowhere to be seen.
*I could only hope that(,) in the mayhem surrounding them, he'd somehow been separated from her, and she wasn't one of the dead and injured people scattered about.
I like the alliteration here of D and E:
Mildred ducked and dived as she tried to dodge the relentless onslaught of shrapnel created by the explosions erupting around us.
* Then(,) all of a sudden, we were plunged into total darkness.
*
An unexpected stillness swept along the tunnel, which was as earie
eerie
*
Everyone's eyes were focused on the exit, and the relief of seeing a policeman emerge with a large gas lamp to tell them it was safe to come out,(no ,) had everyone cheering.
* When she called out his name(,) it was impossible not to hear the obvious relief in her voice.
* The firemen were already tackling the fires with their hoses, by the time we'd left the underground station(,) and several people were shouting out names, scurrying around, digging and moving rubble with their bare hands as they tried to get to people who were buried alive.
But if a run on consider revising.
*
Mildred went over to see if she could assist in any way, and I followed(,) feeling totally useless.
*One of the doctors was pleased to accept her offer of help, and told her they were crying out for volunteers at the hospital.
POV issue - how do you know the doctor was pleased/ Better to show than tell, anyway, so I suggest:
One of the doctors burst into a beaming smile at her offer of help,
Lots of Love,
rd
Comment Written 30-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2018
-
Thank you so much, Rama, for another wonderful review. I've made the corrections, :)) and changed the POV issue. Thanks so much for pointing them all out, my friend. Big hugs! :)) Sandra xx
-
Big hugs! :-)))))
Comment from rwilliam
The silence in the inside the tube station was only broken by a few low, intermittent voices trying to comfort --I think you meant to say: The silence inside the tube....
WHAT??!! Whoa Gladys is dead... I love the twists and turns your story takes. You are a fabulous writer, my friend.
So excited to read your next chapter...as always. :-D
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2018
|
The silence in the inside the tube station was only broken by a few low, intermittent voices trying to comfort --I think you meant to say: The silence inside the tube....
WHAT??!! Whoa Gladys is dead... I love the twists and turns your story takes. You are a fabulous writer, my friend.
So excited to read your next chapter...as always. :-D
Comment Written 29-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2018
-
Yes, you're right, it was supposed to read 'inside the tube... I've made the correction. Thank you so very much, Rebecca, for the lovely six stars and fabulous review. I know, I was really upset to find out Gladys was dead! I wonder what happened? LOL. Big hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xxx
Comment from Lady Jane
"Hey, what's all them tears for?(")
With tears creating gullies down his dusty face, he nodded. His crying had quietened to little whimpers as he rubbed his eyes with his small, dirty fists, before wiping his nose on the back of his hand- edit suggestion
With tears creating gullies down a dusty face, he nodded. Soon his crying quietened to soft whimpers as he rubbed swollen eyes with his small, dirty fist, then wiped a dripping nose with the back of his hand. - I was trying to remove a few extra 'his' - I hope it helps.
What? Gladys? NOOOOO! What an intense chapter here, Sandra. I am so glad the youngin found his sister, but Gladys...hmmm. I'm sensing something else a foot. Nicely written chapter with good flow and descriptors. I felt as if I was there. The scenes were so vivid and relatable. Great dialogue and pace. Nothing not to like here, dear. Thanks for sharing. Until next installment,
Janelle
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2018
|
"Hey, what's all them tears for?(")
With tears creating gullies down his dusty face, he nodded. His crying had quietened to little whimpers as he rubbed his eyes with his small, dirty fists, before wiping his nose on the back of his hand- edit suggestion
With tears creating gullies down a dusty face, he nodded. Soon his crying quietened to soft whimpers as he rubbed swollen eyes with his small, dirty fist, then wiped a dripping nose with the back of his hand. - I was trying to remove a few extra 'his' - I hope it helps.
What? Gladys? NOOOOO! What an intense chapter here, Sandra. I am so glad the youngin found his sister, but Gladys...hmmm. I'm sensing something else a foot. Nicely written chapter with good flow and descriptors. I felt as if I was there. The scenes were so vivid and relatable. Great dialogue and pace. Nothing not to like here, dear. Thanks for sharing. Until next installment,
Janelle
Comment Written 29-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2018
-
What a lovely review, thank you so much, Janelle, I'm delighted you enjoyed this part. I've changed that sentence a little to knock out a 'his' or two. I hadn't noticed that. I'm so fixed on putting too many 'was' in a sentence I forget to look at anything else that might be overdone. I will in future. Thank you for that. I've also added the (") Well spotted!! Thanks again, my friend. :) Sandra xx
Comment from aryr
That, Sandra, was a very surprising ending. It was a devastating, traumatic chapter. I was great that Edie was able to find Jimmy with Mildred and then planned to try to find her mother. Mildred was not surprisingly able to be of help at the hospital. Then there was the shock of Gladys seeing Veronica and her in turn seeing Gladys. That was a terrible what if. Thanks so much for sharing, smiles and hugs.
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2018
|
That, Sandra, was a very surprising ending. It was a devastating, traumatic chapter. I was great that Edie was able to find Jimmy with Mildred and then planned to try to find her mother. Mildred was not surprisingly able to be of help at the hospital. Then there was the shock of Gladys seeing Veronica and her in turn seeing Gladys. That was a terrible what if. Thanks so much for sharing, smiles and hugs.
Comment Written 29-Oct-2018
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2018
-
Thank you, Alie, for your wonderful review. Now Veronica will be wondering what happened and I'm sure she'll be asking some questions! Big hugs, my friend. :)) Sandra xxx
-
You are so welcome Sandra, I will patiently yet eagerly await the next chapter. Hugs and smiles.