The Playground
...children's script about blooming love43 total reviews
Comment from pbomar1115
I'm greatly entertained by the sudden burst of dissimilar stories you've crafted lately. This is proof that the more you write the better you get.
Phillip
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2017
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I'm greatly entertained by the sudden burst of dissimilar stories you've crafted lately. This is proof that the more you write the better you get.
Phillip
Comment Written 17-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2017
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**please excuse the cut and paste reply; due to my absence for a few days, I had a ton of reviews - trust me, I read each and every one**
thank you so much for your time to read and review,
~patty~
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You're welcome, Patty.
Phillip
Comment from His Grayness
Well, as far a I'm concerned, you don't need any lessons on writing scripts as this one is a pure delight, flowing from sweet and lighthearted imagery! Keep up the fine work and I shall be waiting for more delight! HIS GRAYNESS: VANCE
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2017
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Well, as far a I'm concerned, you don't need any lessons on writing scripts as this one is a pure delight, flowing from sweet and lighthearted imagery! Keep up the fine work and I shall be waiting for more delight! HIS GRAYNESS: VANCE
Comment Written 17-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2017
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Hi Vance;
thank you so much for the wonderful review. I was so thrilled to return from my break and find the WINNING notice on my profile.
~patty~
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Patty,
this is a nice competition entry but I think it needs a little tidying in some areas.
Hailey held out her hand to the little boy to shake. He stared at the gesture, and then wiped his hands on his pants and grabbed her hand. - from this point on your directions change to past tense. This shouldn't happen in a script as it is to be performed as it happening. It really should be present tense throughout.
Watch the dialectal tics. For the little boy, he starts off saying you and then changes to chu here - I'm Logan. I'm eight years old. How about'chu?
Oh, I see how ya are. You think you can guess - here Hailey changes here speech patterns as well. Moving away from chu to you and ya.
The children are smoothing the sand of the enormous castle they built together. Four huge towers mark the edges of the structure, and the deep mote completely encircles the whole thing.
Both children are covered in sweat and grains of sand.
Hailey wipes her hand across her brow. - back to present tense here.
Kneeling up on his knees, Logan studies the Hailey's upturned and sunburnt face.- delete 'the'.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2017
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Hi Patty,
this is a nice competition entry but I think it needs a little tidying in some areas.
Hailey held out her hand to the little boy to shake. He stared at the gesture, and then wiped his hands on his pants and grabbed her hand. - from this point on your directions change to past tense. This shouldn't happen in a script as it is to be performed as it happening. It really should be present tense throughout.
Watch the dialectal tics. For the little boy, he starts off saying you and then changes to chu here - I'm Logan. I'm eight years old. How about'chu?
Oh, I see how ya are. You think you can guess - here Hailey changes here speech patterns as well. Moving away from chu to you and ya.
The children are smoothing the sand of the enormous castle they built together. Four huge towers mark the edges of the structure, and the deep mote completely encircles the whole thing.
Both children are covered in sweat and grains of sand.
Hailey wipes her hand across her brow. - back to present tense here.
Kneeling up on his knees, Logan studies the Hailey's upturned and sunburnt face.- delete 'the'.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 17-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2017
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Hi G;
thank you so much for your thoughtful and concise review. I really struggled with the piece and the new style of writing. I believe the stage directions and character tags are exactly what makes it a script, and I didn't want to leave them out.
I went and did a thorough edit - changing the tense of the stage directions to present, as well as making the dialect consistent.
You gave me great advice, as always,
~patty~
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Some people have opted to omit the directions. It's hard to get a script to run smoothly using them, but I think you did a good job with this. It's a big learning curve. I did a course a while ago on script-writing but I'm still not confident in it personally. lol
yeah leaving them out makes no difference from a dialogue only story.
Comment from apky
How sweeeeeet! I'm not surprised that Hailey smiles beyond her years; she talked quite like the female of the species. Already knew ladies shouldn't be asked about their age by the opposite sex.
You probably didn't do it deliberately, but you portrayed the mannerisms of future grownups in their gender roles perfectly, which the kids must have picked up from their environment.
Good luck with the contest!
Best,
Aki
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2017
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How sweeeeeet! I'm not surprised that Hailey smiles beyond her years; she talked quite like the female of the species. Already knew ladies shouldn't be asked about their age by the opposite sex.
You probably didn't do it deliberately, but you portrayed the mannerisms of future grownups in their gender roles perfectly, which the kids must have picked up from their environment.
Good luck with the contest!
Best,
Aki
Comment Written 17-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2017
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**please excuse the cut and paste reply; due to my absence for a few days, I had a ton of reviews - trust me, I read each and every one**
thank you so much for your time to read and review,
~patty~
Comment from Asem.inspirations
Good morning Patty:
This is such an adorable children's script. I love their conversation. It is so much the way children really talk. How innocent and precious this is...
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2017
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Good morning Patty:
This is such an adorable children's script. I love their conversation. It is so much the way children really talk. How innocent and precious this is...
Comment Written 17-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2017
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**please excuse the cut and paste reply; due to my absence for a few days, I had a ton of reviews - trust me, I read each and every one**
thank you so much for your time to read and review,
~patty~
Comment from royowen
I thoroughly enjoyed this contest entry Patty, kids do have feelings, as yet undeveloped, perhaps lacking some understanding, but nevertheless their instincts and perception tells them things, unless interfered with by adults, well done, the delight of childhood is played out here, well done, great perception Patty, blessings, good luck, Roy
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2017
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I thoroughly enjoyed this contest entry Patty, kids do have feelings, as yet undeveloped, perhaps lacking some understanding, but nevertheless their instincts and perception tells them things, unless interfered with by adults, well done, the delight of childhood is played out here, well done, great perception Patty, blessings, good luck, Roy
Comment Written 17-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2017
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Hi Roy;
thank you so much for this lovely review. I'm glad you enjoyed this work. I was SO happy to return from my break and find the notice I won for this entry,
~patty~
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Good job Patty
Comment from Mitchell Brontė
Hi Patty, the innocence of youth personified, this is so cute, a wonderful script that had me smiling throughout...loved it.............
especially the ending...
Mitchell
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2017
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Hi Patty, the innocence of youth personified, this is so cute, a wonderful script that had me smiling throughout...loved it.............
especially the ending...
Mitchell
Comment Written 17-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2017
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**please excuse the cut and paste reply; due to my absence for a few days, I had a ton of reviews - trust me, I read each and every one**
thank you so much for your time to read and review,
~patty~
Comment from lyenochka
I like the way you captured the children's speech. I'm surprised that Hailey would be so protective of her age. I know it's supposed to be precocious but it doesn't quite seem realistic. Don't know about the stealing a kiss at the end. It's hard to create the beginnings of a relationship in such a short time.
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2017
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I like the way you captured the children's speech. I'm surprised that Hailey would be so protective of her age. I know it's supposed to be precocious but it doesn't quite seem realistic. Don't know about the stealing a kiss at the end. It's hard to create the beginnings of a relationship in such a short time.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2017
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**please excuse the cut and paste reply; due to my absence for a few days, I had a ton of reviews - trust me, I read each and every one**
thank you so much for your time to read and review,
~patty~
Comment from emptypage
Ha, I think you've captured the kiddie world of precocious eight year olds perfectly. I love the attitude Hailey very obviously gets from her mother. This is a sweet scene.
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2017
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Ha, I think you've captured the kiddie world of precocious eight year olds perfectly. I love the attitude Hailey very obviously gets from her mother. This is a sweet scene.
Comment Written 16-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2017
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Hi Marla;
thanks for reading my first attempt at a script. You cannot imagine how happy I was to return from my break and find the notice of winning on my profile page,
~patty~
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
This is SO CUTE. I can just picture the two of them. I love the bit about guessing her age. I predict this will win the contest. Sure hope I'm right. :)
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2017
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This is SO CUTE. I can just picture the two of them. I love the bit about guessing her age. I predict this will win the contest. Sure hope I'm right. :)
Comment Written 16-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2017
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Hi Phyllis;
I'm glad you and others enjoyed this piece. I'm so glad I came back from break to the winning notice on my profile. This was indeed a great first try, and I think I will write more like this,
~patty~
