The Bard of Bel Air
Viewing comments for Chapter 36 "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds"A homeless man sees more than people realize.
13 total reviews
Comment from ProjectBluebook
Awe, them contests are addicting. It will set you back, I realize. Time to savor this chapter, mate. Ha-ha! I liked the part about the hot dog. So, it had lethal toxin in it. That China man must thought it was a gun. Quick thinking on her part, clever. I did get a chuckle when the Bard got capped in the head. It was amusing. This was some Royal Rumble. Must have been a 25 or 380 caliber pistil? Wonder if he will be able to rhyme again? Twister Sister, is in order, after that bullet spun the Bard around. LOL! Mikey, you know--I love live action! great chapter, sorry I'm depleted of sixes. Marvelous! later Lion King. do loco
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Awe, them contests are addicting. It will set you back, I realize. Time to savor this chapter, mate. Ha-ha! I liked the part about the hot dog. So, it had lethal toxin in it. That China man must thought it was a gun. Quick thinking on her part, clever. I did get a chuckle when the Bard got capped in the head. It was amusing. This was some Royal Rumble. Must have been a 25 or 380 caliber pistil? Wonder if he will be able to rhyme again? Twister Sister, is in order, after that bullet spun the Bard around. LOL! Mikey, you know--I love live action! great chapter, sorry I'm depleted of sixes. Marvelous! later Lion King. do loco
Comment Written 24-May-2014
Comment from nor84
There's a typo in the section that deals with the previous happenings. Arrived is spelled with an "n" near its end.
There where (were) at least a hundred Ford Escorts on deck and uncountable crates of undetermined goods.
"Suddenly" is one of those words that's not so good, and I'm seeing twice in the early part of this chapter.
It was a make-you-feel-better preventative tool in case any of the biological substance were to escape by accident>>> this can be any of the biological substances if there are more than one, or if one substance you need to use was.
Her left hand reached into her jacket and pulled out her 38, which she pointed at Winston.>>> I recommend cutting some words here. Is it important that she reaches into her jacket with her left hand? Couldn't she just reach into her jacket and pull out her 38, pointing it at Winston? Or even just "she pulled her 38 from her jacket and leveled it at Winston." These are just suggestions, of course. It's your call.
Winston had already reached in his jacket for a syringe >>> this is a close repeat of reaching into a jacket. There might be a better way. Perhaps just Winston found this fringe in his pocket - something like that. I'm trying to cut down on "had". Action needs to move, and even sentence fragments are all right.
"Payback" is one word.
Good chapter. It's a little wordy in the action scene though.
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There's a typo in the section that deals with the previous happenings. Arrived is spelled with an "n" near its end.
There where (were) at least a hundred Ford Escorts on deck and uncountable crates of undetermined goods.
"Suddenly" is one of those words that's not so good, and I'm seeing twice in the early part of this chapter.
It was a make-you-feel-better preventative tool in case any of the biological substance were to escape by accident>>> this can be any of the biological substances if there are more than one, or if one substance you need to use was.
Her left hand reached into her jacket and pulled out her 38, which she pointed at Winston.>>> I recommend cutting some words here. Is it important that she reaches into her jacket with her left hand? Couldn't she just reach into her jacket and pull out her 38, pointing it at Winston? Or even just "she pulled her 38 from her jacket and leveled it at Winston." These are just suggestions, of course. It's your call.
Winston had already reached in his jacket for a syringe >>> this is a close repeat of reaching into a jacket. There might be a better way. Perhaps just Winston found this fringe in his pocket - something like that. I'm trying to cut down on "had". Action needs to move, and even sentence fragments are all right.
"Payback" is one word.
Good chapter. It's a little wordy in the action scene though.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 24-May-2014
Comment from Michaelk
Epilogue man, epilogue. 'Six weeks later...' You could have diamond and harpster sitting on a beach, enjoying the weather when ruby comes out and says 'how is he?' then lucy and tenaya show up. last of all comes bard out in a wheelchair and they talk about what happened to everybody else. Bard of course makes up a song about it. There you go, end of story.
Great chapter by the way. Your action was good and easy to follow. You surprised me with how quickly you wrapped things up though.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
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Epilogue man, epilogue. 'Six weeks later...' You could have diamond and harpster sitting on a beach, enjoying the weather when ruby comes out and says 'how is he?' then lucy and tenaya show up. last of all comes bard out in a wheelchair and they talk about what happened to everybody else. Bard of course makes up a song about it. There you go, end of story.
Great chapter by the way. Your action was good and easy to follow. You surprised me with how quickly you wrapped things up though.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 24-May-2014