senryu (windows streaked deep blue)
A 5-7-5 on Melancholy14 total reviews
Comment from rama devi
Second review
Good edits.
the choice to use THE is not 'wrong', and I respect that you prefer to keep it there. It's just a suggestions for optimal word economy.
First review (FOUR stars)
Excellent word play on reigns and rains, which gives this a notch above in terms of writing a senryu. (BTW-I think it is not necessary to point it out in author's notes)
The reason for a four star rating is that I seem room for improvement in a number of ways, noted below:
1) senryu does not have caps on all lines. While some schools say one can use caps and punctuation with senryu, others say no caps. I recommend not using them, or at least only capping the first line
2) Senryu titles should be the word 'senryu' plus the first line (in parenthesis) Considering this is a contest entry and the title word you chose is already in the poem, i strongly recommend altering the title to the traditional style:
senryu (windows streaked deep blue)
3) The word economy is superb in your write except for using the word THE. I recommend replacing THE with a single-syllable descriptive word. (Maybe SAD?)
The assonance of E in line one has a nice echo in line three with melancholy. Also, excellent consonance of S in all three lines.
This has much potential but still needs fine tuning, IMHO.
Good luck!
Sincere best wishes,
rd
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2013
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Second review
Good edits.
the choice to use THE is not 'wrong', and I respect that you prefer to keep it there. It's just a suggestions for optimal word economy.
First review (FOUR stars)
Excellent word play on reigns and rains, which gives this a notch above in terms of writing a senryu. (BTW-I think it is not necessary to point it out in author's notes)
The reason for a four star rating is that I seem room for improvement in a number of ways, noted below:
1) senryu does not have caps on all lines. While some schools say one can use caps and punctuation with senryu, others say no caps. I recommend not using them, or at least only capping the first line
2) Senryu titles should be the word 'senryu' plus the first line (in parenthesis) Considering this is a contest entry and the title word you chose is already in the poem, i strongly recommend altering the title to the traditional style:
senryu (windows streaked deep blue)
3) The word economy is superb in your write except for using the word THE. I recommend replacing THE with a single-syllable descriptive word. (Maybe SAD?)
The assonance of E in line one has a nice echo in line three with melancholy. Also, excellent consonance of S in all three lines.
This has much potential but still needs fine tuning, IMHO.
Good luck!
Sincere best wishes,
rd
Comment Written 24-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2013
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Thanks so very much for the very astute critique of my senryu. I've made the changes in formatting and do appreciate the positive feedback.
Can you comment more on my use of "the"? Please. It would help.
Thanks.
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Sure--made a second review... Warm smiles, rd
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Thank you so much. As with everything on this journey, it's all about learning.
I'm grateful.
Peace.
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*peace* :)
Comment from Shirley E Kennedy
A clever play on words in the last line and it works superbly.
A well planned and presented Senryu
Great picture choice which is well suited to the poem.
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2013
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A clever play on words in the last line and it works superbly.
A well planned and presented Senryu
Great picture choice which is well suited to the poem.
Comment Written 24-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2013
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Thanks so much for the wonderful review and your generous comments. I'm grateful. Glad you like the pic, too.
Comment from humpwhistle
Yes, I recognized the word play. Thanks for pointing
it out. An interesting concept--rain mirrors the
tears of the soul. Seen the a window, kind of an inside outside effect.
Best of luck at the polls.
Peace, Lee
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2013
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Yes, I recognized the word play. Thanks for pointing
it out. An interesting concept--rain mirrors the
tears of the soul. Seen the a window, kind of an inside outside effect.
Best of luck at the polls.
Peace, Lee
Comment Written 24-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2013
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Thank you for the wonderful review and your astute comments. I'm so grateful that your like the poem and photo and that you recognize the word play.
Thanks for your good luck, too.
Comment from Hollyhock
This is indeed an effective image of melancholy. There is something so desolate and despairing about rain-drops running down a window-pane.
Blue is traditionally a sorrowful colour as well as metaphorically feeling "blue", I wonder if that colour choice would have been as effective without the picture, even allowing for the underlying meaning?
The word-play just adds to the meaning of the poem, even if a reader does not actively recognise it the mind still takes it on board.
I enjoyed this and found more "layers" each time I read it.
"unguarded tears" - so often we are not aware of our depression until we are surprised by our tears.
"streaked deep" the assonance emphasises the extent of sadness.
"blue - soul - reigns" - the final vowel sound on each line moves from a fairly soft sound "oo" through "o" which is disappointment to "ay" which is the sound of a wail. I don't know if this was deliberate but it worked for me!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2013
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This is indeed an effective image of melancholy. There is something so desolate and despairing about rain-drops running down a window-pane.
Blue is traditionally a sorrowful colour as well as metaphorically feeling "blue", I wonder if that colour choice would have been as effective without the picture, even allowing for the underlying meaning?
The word-play just adds to the meaning of the poem, even if a reader does not actively recognise it the mind still takes it on board.
I enjoyed this and found more "layers" each time I read it.
"unguarded tears" - so often we are not aware of our depression until we are surprised by our tears.
"streaked deep" the assonance emphasises the extent of sadness.
"blue - soul - reigns" - the final vowel sound on each line moves from a fairly soft sound "oo" through "o" which is disappointment to "ay" which is the sound of a wail. I don't know if this was deliberate but it worked for me!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 24-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2013
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YES! OMG, someone else noticed the work that went into the vowel count. I worked on that on the tip of my tongue for a couple of hours before it finally came together, and I'm so grateful that one other person noticed. Made my weekend, you did. I truly appreciate your astute comments and generously constructive critique here.
With gratitude.