senyru (city people stare)
senyr contest 5/7/522 total reviews
Comment from Ducorse
A wonderful senryu. Large truth in few words. I enjoyed this very much. There are so many homeless out there...
Thanks for a great read.
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2013
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A wonderful senryu. Large truth in few words. I enjoyed this very much. There are so many homeless out there...
Thanks for a great read.
Comment Written 24-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2013
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Thank you!
Comment from MAMONIA
This is sad, but oh so true. We are not only
isolated, we are distracted. We miss a lot
that is going on about us with our cell phones in
constant use. We don't even look where we are going,
let alone notice anything around us.
This is ironic, sad to say, which makes a great
senryu.
Best of luck in the contest.
Marie
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2013
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This is sad, but oh so true. We are not only
isolated, we are distracted. We miss a lot
that is going on about us with our cell phones in
constant use. We don't even look where we are going,
let alone notice anything around us.
This is ironic, sad to say, which makes a great
senryu.
Best of luck in the contest.
Marie
Comment Written 24-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2013
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Thank you for another great review, Marie
Comment from loibeth
What a scene you described... so common and so true!
Everywhere we go, people are interacting with their telephones and hardly aware of their surrounding. The virtual world is getting bigger.
Good luck in your contest!
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2013
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What a scene you described... so common and so true!
Everywhere we go, people are interacting with their telephones and hardly aware of their surrounding. The virtual world is getting bigger.
Good luck in your contest!
Comment Written 24-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2013
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Thank you so much getting the essence of my senyru
Comment from rama devi
Excellent observation on modern city life--absorbed in self-concerned distractions, they do not even noticed the others who need our real concern. The photo complements the poem well. True to form senryu with a strong message...and thus a strong contender in the contest, I hope!
Also, fine phonetics in phrasing with all the IN sounds and all the consonant S's and T's too (along with soft C's).
Bravo and good luck!
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2013
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Excellent observation on modern city life--absorbed in self-concerned distractions, they do not even noticed the others who need our real concern. The photo complements the poem well. True to form senryu with a strong message...and thus a strong contender in the contest, I hope!
Also, fine phonetics in phrasing with all the IN sounds and all the consonant S's and T's too (along with soft C's).
Bravo and good luck!
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 24-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2013
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Thank you, RD, it mean a great deal coming from you. You have captured the essence of my senyru.
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:-)
Comment from vkmack
It's an important message. I'm glad that you shared it with us. You use some powerful imagery here, and I mean in words and the photo. You've done great work, and I'm glad I checked into this one. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2013
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It's an important message. I'm glad that you shared it with us. You use some powerful imagery here, and I mean in words and the photo. You've done great work, and I'm glad I checked into this one. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 24-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2013
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I'm glad you checked it out too. Thank you for the great review
Comment from Kiki12
oh, that is a powerful satori. Love the way you juxtapose the people staring intently into something inhuman and stripping those who need to be seen remain invisible without humanity to save them. Nice phonetics with the s sounds carried through the verse. wish I had a six left.
Kiki
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2013
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oh, that is a powerful satori. Love the way you juxtapose the people staring intently into something inhuman and stripping those who need to be seen remain invisible without humanity to save them. Nice phonetics with the s sounds carried through the verse. wish I had a six left.
Kiki
Comment Written 23-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2013
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Thank you, Kiki, I'm very happy with your five. Have a wonderful day, my friend.
Comment from rhonny
Very well done message for us. Not too many words or lines needed. What you chose to write told the story, and the pic accentuated it.
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2013
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Very well done message for us. Not too many words or lines needed. What you chose to write told the story, and the pic accentuated it.
Comment Written 23-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2013
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Thank you so much for the great review.
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:O)
Comment from denhagan
This was a very good and appropriate senryu poem, addressing two social issues in one short poem--the plight of the homeless, and some people's love affair with their phones and hand-held devices.
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2013
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This was a very good and appropriate senryu poem, addressing two social issues in one short poem--the plight of the homeless, and some people's love affair with their phones and hand-held devices.
Comment Written 23-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2013
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I'm so glad you saw the duality of this little senyru. Thank you for the great review.
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You are quiet welcome,
Dennis
Comment from AudreyRose
You really did a wonderful job packing a strong message into a little poem. The beat was correct and the human emotion was tied in, great job.
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2013
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You really did a wonderful job packing a strong message into a little poem. The beat was correct and the human emotion was tied in, great job.
Comment Written 23-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2013
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Thank you for the great review.
Comment from adewpearl
home/less/in/vis/i/ble - your third line has one syllable too many
effective pairing of photo and poem
good alliteration in city/stare/cell
strong social commentary
Brooke
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2013
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home/less/in/vis/i/ble - your third line has one syllable too many
effective pairing of photo and poem
good alliteration in city/stare/cell
strong social commentary
Brooke
Comment Written 23-Aug-2013
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2013
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Well, invisible comes up two ways so I changed the last line. None the less, thank you for the review.