Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 34 "Osteya Moon"Murder Mystery
46 total reviews
Comment from Righteous Riter
This chapter is intense from the very start. The writer does a good job of capturing the readers attention with a chain of interesting events. The transition is smooth. The balance is good as the pace is steady. The writer ends this chapter with an intense investigation and does well setting up for the next chapter.
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2013
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This chapter is intense from the very start. The writer does a good job of capturing the readers attention with a chain of interesting events. The transition is smooth. The balance is good as the pace is steady. The writer ends this chapter with an intense investigation and does well setting up for the next chapter.
Comment Written 28-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2013
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Thank you much, RR. I appreciate your insights and encouragement. Thanks for stopping by to read! Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Norbanus
This story has exceptional, easy-reading narration, and well written dialogue.
Here are a couple of spots to check:
His claim(:) he saw no one and heard nothing. (Either need a colon, or 'He claimed that he heard nothing and saw no one.'
Code for he's standing nearby, and you don't want to offend him. (outstanding use of introspection)
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2013
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This story has exceptional, easy-reading narration, and well written dialogue.
Here are a couple of spots to check:
His claim(:) he saw no one and heard nothing. (Either need a colon, or 'He claimed that he heard nothing and saw no one.'
Code for he's standing nearby, and you don't want to offend him. (outstanding use of introspection)
Comment Written 28-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2013
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Thanks, N. I am going to make that change pronto. I appreciate the heads-up and read. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from puntwothree
This is not a missing person's case I'd want to work, I don't think. I have only a hairy grasp of what's going on, but you do have me curious already how Jana proposes to prove a supernatural influence in a double murder and if and/or why her super might allow it.
A few, slight concerns. The beginning of this story-section, to me, sounded a bit expository and clinical. I think I want to be in Derek's mind, and right now I feel more as if I'm getting a summary of his observations. I think you can trust your reader more to connect a few dots on his/her own, as well.
Next, and personal (and not all that significant, but something to think about): I don't quite get how a dirty cop is like a cancer. (I guess I could see how corruption could be like a cancer... because it may start small, and spread through an organization?... I don't know.) Being a biology dude, I'm picturing cells dividing and I'm not sure how this is like a person bullying another person. Take it or leave it!
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2013
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This is not a missing person's case I'd want to work, I don't think. I have only a hairy grasp of what's going on, but you do have me curious already how Jana proposes to prove a supernatural influence in a double murder and if and/or why her super might allow it.
A few, slight concerns. The beginning of this story-section, to me, sounded a bit expository and clinical. I think I want to be in Derek's mind, and right now I feel more as if I'm getting a summary of his observations. I think you can trust your reader more to connect a few dots on his/her own, as well.
Next, and personal (and not all that significant, but something to think about): I don't quite get how a dirty cop is like a cancer. (I guess I could see how corruption could be like a cancer... because it may start small, and spread through an organization?... I don't know.) Being a biology dude, I'm picturing cells dividing and I'm not sure how this is like a person bullying another person. Take it or leave it!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 28-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2013
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Thanks for your unique perspective and insights. Rather unfair, though, to judge my characters when you are coming into this novel so far along. They have shown their feelings on a number of occasions. The low rating I would imagine is because you are not understanding the full expanse of the story.
Comment from Magic Wand
All of your character developments are right on, growing in recognition of their attributes. The interaction of the characters is also building in interest for the reader. I have a special interest in Native American history and enjoy the language author notes you provide.
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2013
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All of your character developments are right on, growing in recognition of their attributes. The interaction of the characters is also building in interest for the reader. I have a special interest in Native American history and enjoy the language author notes you provide.
Comment Written 27-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2013
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Thanks so much, Magic Wand. I really appreciate the great review and supportive insights. Kindest regards, Bev
Comment from Patrick G Cox
Hi Writingfundimension
Very good chapter, I've been wondering what had happened to your story. You've introduced a good new misleader with Jana's suspicions and the new involvement of another enforcement agency ratchetts up the tension nicely. One possible correction for you though -
Monsignor Flaherty related a desperate, heart-broken Brian - I think there's a missing word - Monsignor Flaherty related [how] a desperate, heart-broken Brian
Patrick
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2013
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Hi Writingfundimension
Very good chapter, I've been wondering what had happened to your story. You've introduced a good new misleader with Jana's suspicions and the new involvement of another enforcement agency ratchetts up the tension nicely. One possible correction for you though -
Monsignor Flaherty related a desperate, heart-broken Brian - I think there's a missing word - Monsignor Flaherty related [how] a desperate, heart-broken Brian
Patrick
Comment Written 27-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2013
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Hi Patrick. Thanks for the correction and great review. I really appreciate your interest and support for my story.
Happy Easter, Bev
Comment from J. Dark
Another enjoyable chapter, Bev, and I am wholehearted lapping up this story. I just love the blend of this murder thriller with a supernatural edge.
I was particularly impressed by the way you seamlessly introduced Derek's internal thought into the story, weighing up an earlier incident.
Again, great balance of narration, description and dialogue - the perfect balance keeps the writing very pacey.
Great work and the only reason I am not six starring you is because I have run out! I genuinely look forward to the next chapter.
Kindest of regards,
Julie :-) P.S. I love the way you use a bigger font - it makes it so much easier to read.
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2013
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Another enjoyable chapter, Bev, and I am wholehearted lapping up this story. I just love the blend of this murder thriller with a supernatural edge.
I was particularly impressed by the way you seamlessly introduced Derek's internal thought into the story, weighing up an earlier incident.
Again, great balance of narration, description and dialogue - the perfect balance keeps the writing very pacey.
Great work and the only reason I am not six starring you is because I have run out! I genuinely look forward to the next chapter.
Kindest of regards,
Julie :-) P.S. I love the way you use a bigger font - it makes it so much easier to read.
Comment Written 27-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2013
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Hi, Julie. Thank you SO much for reading and reviewing. I am honored by your continued interest. You are so gracious always. Thanks, too, for letting me know what you liked in the chapter. I'll take such wonderful words of praise over a star any day. I'm out of them already, as well. Sigh...
Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from GeraldS
This narrative engages the reader's attention and seems generally well written. Before I comment further, you should know that this is the first section of your novel that I've read.
Now to share a few of my thoughts for what they're worth. In the "previously" paragraph where you explain that a man is missing, I don't know why he is a "second" man. Unless there really was a first man, I'd leave the word "second" out. The first sentence of this chapter has the words "offered" and "reward" run together. The sentence itself seems awkward to me. I do understand your meaning and only comment because this is the very first sentence offered to the reader. I think it also bothered one of your other reviewers as well. If you do a revision, try to rewrite that sentence for better clarity. Then, the two examples of troublesome tips are unimpressive to illustrate your point about problems caused by the reward offer. I think a quantitative characterization would work better. I was puzzled by the sheriff's flashback regarding his earlier visit to the rectory; it sure didn't seem like the concerns he mulled over merited a second thought. The scene of the playground is nice, if it plays some role later on in the story, otherwise I'm not sure what point it plays. The remainder of the narrative advanced the storyline and the hook to keep the reader interested was the murder scene mentioned at the end. Maybe some of my comments have resulted from my lack of exposure to the earlier chapters, or to my own personal opinion, but thought I'd mention them anyhow. You can decide if any of it is helpful or not.
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2013
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This narrative engages the reader's attention and seems generally well written. Before I comment further, you should know that this is the first section of your novel that I've read.
Now to share a few of my thoughts for what they're worth. In the "previously" paragraph where you explain that a man is missing, I don't know why he is a "second" man. Unless there really was a first man, I'd leave the word "second" out. The first sentence of this chapter has the words "offered" and "reward" run together. The sentence itself seems awkward to me. I do understand your meaning and only comment because this is the very first sentence offered to the reader. I think it also bothered one of your other reviewers as well. If you do a revision, try to rewrite that sentence for better clarity. Then, the two examples of troublesome tips are unimpressive to illustrate your point about problems caused by the reward offer. I think a quantitative characterization would work better. I was puzzled by the sheriff's flashback regarding his earlier visit to the rectory; it sure didn't seem like the concerns he mulled over merited a second thought. The scene of the playground is nice, if it plays some role later on in the story, otherwise I'm not sure what point it plays. The remainder of the narrative advanced the storyline and the hook to keep the reader interested was the murder scene mentioned at the end. Maybe some of my comments have resulted from my lack of exposure to the earlier chapters, or to my own personal opinion, but thought I'd mention them anyhow. You can decide if any of it is helpful or not.
Comment Written 27-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2013
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Thanks for the review and suggestions, Gerald. I'll certainly take a look at the sections you mention - though you are correct that they relate to previous chapters. I appreciate your consideration and time. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Mary Ann MCPhedran
A good write with good imagery and needs no changes, I enjoyed reading your story. the descriptive script was easy to read. Mary
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2013
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A good write with good imagery and needs no changes, I enjoyed reading your story. the descriptive script was easy to read. Mary
Comment Written 27-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2013
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Thanks so much, Mary Ann. I appreciate the generous review! Bev
Comment from Adri7enne
"The effect of MATTHEW BUELL'S REWARD for the recovery of his father..." This opening really threw me, Bev. It sounded like MATTHEW BUELL had been rewarded for finding his father and I couldn't remember what you were alluding to. I read the "Previously" and didn't get a clue there. Then I read the character list and it finally dawned on me that Matthew Buell was rich and obnoxious and had offered a reward, not received one. LOL! All this to suggest you might say: "The effect of Matthew Buell's OFFERED reward for the recovery..." Just my opinion of course. As soon as that was cleared up, though, it became an awesome opening, setting me right back into the story.
"There'd been no ransom ......notified the FBI. JUST in case....These are really just one sentence. Just use a comma instead of a period to prevent a hanging clause.
"Derek blamed it on dirty cops that were like cancer cells bullying their way through a healthy organism." Great observation. You have several gems like this one. You have style, Bev. A strong narrative voice - wise, perceptive, yet gentle. Like you, probably.
"Aside from the fact THIS LETTER a convicted pedophile wrote this letter, it appears innocent." THIS LETTER - remove.
"There's a hundred different ways I can see this going all to hell." Yea, Bev! Great ending.
I really enjoyed this chapter. Good, solid writing, girl. Exceptional!
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2013
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"The effect of MATTHEW BUELL'S REWARD for the recovery of his father..." This opening really threw me, Bev. It sounded like MATTHEW BUELL had been rewarded for finding his father and I couldn't remember what you were alluding to. I read the "Previously" and didn't get a clue there. Then I read the character list and it finally dawned on me that Matthew Buell was rich and obnoxious and had offered a reward, not received one. LOL! All this to suggest you might say: "The effect of Matthew Buell's OFFERED reward for the recovery..." Just my opinion of course. As soon as that was cleared up, though, it became an awesome opening, setting me right back into the story.
"There'd been no ransom ......notified the FBI. JUST in case....These are really just one sentence. Just use a comma instead of a period to prevent a hanging clause.
"Derek blamed it on dirty cops that were like cancer cells bullying their way through a healthy organism." Great observation. You have several gems like this one. You have style, Bev. A strong narrative voice - wise, perceptive, yet gentle. Like you, probably.
"Aside from the fact THIS LETTER a convicted pedophile wrote this letter, it appears innocent." THIS LETTER - remove.
"There's a hundred different ways I can see this going all to hell." Yea, Bev! Great ending.
I really enjoyed this chapter. Good, solid writing, girl. Exceptional!
Comment Written 27-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2013
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Thank you for the perfect suggestion for that opening line, Adrienne!! I kept looking at it, and the obvious solution alluded me. The other section you mention was just changed due to a reviewer's suggestion. I think I'll change it back.
I so appreciate your encouragement, my friend. I really respect your honesty and your knowledge of writing - not to mention your own formidable skills. So, the six stars along with your insights are true gifts to this fledgling novelist.
Hugs, Bev
Comment from CR Delport
Another interesting chapter that is well written and well delivered. The story flows nicely and the dialogue is easy to follow. I could find no obvious errors.
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2013
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Another interesting chapter that is well written and well delivered. The story flows nicely and the dialogue is easy to follow. I could find no obvious errors.
Comment Written 27-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2013
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Thank you, CR. I appreciate your continued interest and generous review. Bev