Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 18 "Yaza Moon"Murder Mystery
49 total reviews
Comment from Tina55
Clean writing and great tension, as usual! I'm wondering why you've italicized Frank's bit of dialogue?
He took the opportunity this afforded to get a little more physical distance between himself and the priest.(I think you could simply say ...to get a little more distance between...most readers aren't going to be thinking anything outside the realm of physical distance at this point. Know what I mean?)
Talking about readying the beds for the winter months...I should really start doing that, myself. :)
In desperation, Stanley dropped unto(onto) the floor and began to roll in the direction of a phone.
Not the ending I expected...very cleverly done, Bev. Great descriptive prose, and, as always, characters that live off the screen.
Tina
xx
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2012
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Clean writing and great tension, as usual! I'm wondering why you've italicized Frank's bit of dialogue?
He took the opportunity this afforded to get a little more physical distance between himself and the priest.(I think you could simply say ...to get a little more distance between...most readers aren't going to be thinking anything outside the realm of physical distance at this point. Know what I mean?)
Talking about readying the beds for the winter months...I should really start doing that, myself. :)
In desperation, Stanley dropped unto(onto) the floor and began to roll in the direction of a phone.
Not the ending I expected...very cleverly done, Bev. Great descriptive prose, and, as always, characters that live off the screen.
Tina
xx
Comment Written 14-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2012
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Hi, Tina. I am so appreciative of this very generous and warm review. Thank you for letting me know what you liked in the chapter. And I've made the changes you suggested. So, thanks much for the critical eye.
I used the italics for Frank because it was the other side of a phone conversation and that's always a bit awkward for me.
Hope you are doing well, Tina. I miss seeing your writing. Thanks for stopping back to read my chapter. That's very kind of you, my friend.
Hugs, Bev
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I'm never very far away, Bev.
:)
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That is so sweet, Tina. You make my heart happy. :0) XX Bev
Comment from bossladyone
This is a good story. I want to know what happens to Stanley. I haven't read the other chapters so now I am wondering what did he do to make the sheriff send a patrols to his house. Was he a child molester. So many questions. I guess I have to read the book. Thank you for sharing
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2012
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This is a good story. I want to know what happens to Stanley. I haven't read the other chapters so now I am wondering what did he do to make the sheriff send a patrols to his house. Was he a child molester. So many questions. I guess I have to read the book. Thank you for sharing
Comment Written 14-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2012
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Hi, bossladyone. Thank you for taking time to read my chapter. I really appreciate your generous review and support. Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from santapola
Good reading material here, I just noticed a little spelling error second to last paragraph I think it should be onto and not unto.. I t drew me into it and makes me want to read more
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2012
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Good reading material here, I just noticed a little spelling error second to last paragraph I think it should be onto and not unto.. I t drew me into it and makes me want to read more
Comment Written 14-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2012
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Thank you much, santapola. I really appreciate you taking time to read and send along your generous review. Hope you'll decide to stop by again! Rregards, Bev
Comment from Adri7enne
You really roll along, Bev. Good flow, terrific dialogue, good character development. So I'm assuming Stanley Eisner didn't have a heart attack and someone probably slipped him some poison of some kind. The plot thickens. You just keep getting better, Bev. Nothing to criticise. I really enjoyed this chapter.
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2012
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You really roll along, Bev. Good flow, terrific dialogue, good character development. So I'm assuming Stanley Eisner didn't have a heart attack and someone probably slipped him some poison of some kind. The plot thickens. You just keep getting better, Bev. Nothing to criticise. I really enjoyed this chapter.
Comment Written 14-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2012
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Thanks so much, Adrienne. It's always so good to get a review of my writing from you. I know that you will always give it to me straight! I really apprecite you taking taking to read and your very generous review. Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from Rob Caudle
Bev, well once again you have written a stirring piece. I wonder if Eisner's heart had some help along the way. Nice mystery tale you are weaving my friend. I am hoping to find my way back next week and once again join the talent pool here on fan story. Congrats on you book of the month finish well done. Speak to you soon really well done and engaging.
Rob
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2012
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Bev, well once again you have written a stirring piece. I wonder if Eisner's heart had some help along the way. Nice mystery tale you are weaving my friend. I am hoping to find my way back next week and once again join the talent pool here on fan story. Congrats on you book of the month finish well done. Speak to you soon really well done and engaging.
Rob
Comment Written 13-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2012
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Hi, Rob. Hey, thanks for this great review. It's always so good to hear from you and get your perspective as you have been so faithful from the beginning. I appreciate your congratulations, as well.
I look forward to reading more of your own wonderful writing, Rob. Glad to hear you're getting back soon!
Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from wordsfromsue
My goodness, this was an exciting, emotionally charged chapter. It's too bad Stanley didn't notice the earlier signs of heart trouble.
The poor sheriff is being run so ragged with this case, I keep thinking HE'LL have an attack of some kind...
Do you know, this would make a great movie! :-)
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2012
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My goodness, this was an exciting, emotionally charged chapter. It's too bad Stanley didn't notice the earlier signs of heart trouble.
The poor sheriff is being run so ragged with this case, I keep thinking HE'LL have an attack of some kind...
Do you know, this would make a great movie! :-)
Comment Written 13-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2012
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Hi, Sue. Yeah, Derek is not only dealing with natural forces, but supernatural ones too.
Thanks for your awesome review, my friend. Always good to hear from you, and I do appreciate your generosity.
Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from Taurean Monkey
Hey, Bev,
I like this line here:
Derek furiously drummed his fingers along the taut line of his thigh muscles as his thoughts collided like a freeway pile-up.
Do you mean abhorrent?:
[Aborrhent] mental pictures of Debra's last hours triggered a tortured mix of rage and despair...
I like the physical manifestation of the emotional pain and angst Stanly is suffering:
Twice he felt a fluttering of his heart and pressure on his sternum, but each time, the pain subsided as quickly as it came.
Gosh, what a note to end on! It wasn't emotional but a heart attack. I wasn't expecting that twist. Nicely written! Tricia
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2012
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Hey, Bev,
I like this line here:
Derek furiously drummed his fingers along the taut line of his thigh muscles as his thoughts collided like a freeway pile-up.
Do you mean abhorrent?:
[Aborrhent] mental pictures of Debra's last hours triggered a tortured mix of rage and despair...
I like the physical manifestation of the emotional pain and angst Stanly is suffering:
Twice he felt a fluttering of his heart and pressure on his sternum, but each time, the pain subsided as quickly as it came.
Gosh, what a note to end on! It wasn't emotional but a heart attack. I wasn't expecting that twist. Nicely written! Tricia
Comment Written 13-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2012
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Hi, Tricia. I really appreciate your awesome review! Thank you for stopping by to read my latest. And I had another reviewer point out that spaggie, just finished changing it. So, thanks for the sharp eye! Warmest regards, Bev
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Hi Bev, you're more than welcome. I really should be working instead of playing on here. Glad someone else spotted it. Take care, Tricia :-)
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You, too, Tricia. Xx Bev
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I'm going home! :-) xx
Comment from JW
In seeing that this chapter has already been "recognized" and earned "All time best" before I had a chance to read it, there is really not much I need to say except, Good Job.
However, you may want to review the following:
The homicide detective's features darkened perceptably. (perceptibly)
Aborrhent (abhorrent) mental pictures of Debra's
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2012
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In seeing that this chapter has already been "recognized" and earned "All time best" before I had a chance to read it, there is really not much I need to say except, Good Job.
However, you may want to review the following:
The homicide detective's features darkened perceptably. (perceptibly)
Aborrhent (abhorrent) mental pictures of Debra's
Comment Written 13-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2012
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Hi, Jonathon. I thank you for always catching me up on my Spaggies. The thing is I did a spell check this time LOL. Go figure. I really appreciate your support in reading along with my novel. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Sloegin
Terrific chapter. I could feel the frustration of Sheriff Oleson as he dealt with the incompetent desk sergeant. The dialogue was perfect.
One spot of unneeded telling: "Sheriff Derek Oleson removed his cell phone from his pants pocket and dialed." Maybe use: "Oleson dialed the station from his cell."
I didn't understand the scene where the sheriff leaves, but the way it was written was good. Probably explained in a previous chapter. Tough priest?
Your last two paragraphs are a great ending for the story presented.
Keep writing,
sloegin
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2012
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Terrific chapter. I could feel the frustration of Sheriff Oleson as he dealt with the incompetent desk sergeant. The dialogue was perfect.
One spot of unneeded telling: "Sheriff Derek Oleson removed his cell phone from his pants pocket and dialed." Maybe use: "Oleson dialed the station from his cell."
I didn't understand the scene where the sheriff leaves, but the way it was written was good. Probably explained in a previous chapter. Tough priest?
Your last two paragraphs are a great ending for the story presented.
Keep writing,
sloegin
Comment Written 13-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2012
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Hi, Sloegin. Thank you for taking time to read my latest chapter. I really appreciate your suggestion regarding that line. I had another reviewer suggest I shorten it, and now I think maybe I need to make it even shorter LOL. Thanks for the help and interest. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from xxjsfuncxxxity
Great chapter, as always. Compelling and well-paced. Loved the tight, believable dialogue.
One suggestion. I would shorten this bit, as it's all shown in the next sequence:
Sheriff Derek Oleson removed his cell phone from his pants pocket, scrolled for his Department's main number and pressed it.
Try this:
The Sheriff pulled out his cell phone and dialed.
Hope that's helpful. Great chapter and a real chilling cliffhanger ending again. Keeps the reader wanting more. Well done!
cheers
js
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2012
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Great chapter, as always. Compelling and well-paced. Loved the tight, believable dialogue.
One suggestion. I would shorten this bit, as it's all shown in the next sequence:
Sheriff Derek Oleson removed his cell phone from his pants pocket, scrolled for his Department's main number and pressed it.
Try this:
The Sheriff pulled out his cell phone and dialed.
Hope that's helpful. Great chapter and a real chilling cliffhanger ending again. Keeps the reader wanting more. Well done!
cheers
js
Comment Written 12-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2012
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Hi, Jonathan. Thanks for the helpful review. I really appreciate your encouragment and support -- your suggestion was a good one. Warmest regards, Bev