Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "A Hota Moon, Part 2 "Murder Mystery
46 total reviews
Comment from Adri7enne
Wasn't 'Debra Padget" an actress's name or something? It sounds so familiar.
Good writing, Sue. You really got my attention with Eddie and his momma. Sounds like they're a couple of sick puppies worth keeping an eye on.
You're tackling a well-represented market girl. You've got to have a gig that will make your work stand out from the crowd. That's one area where even a hell of a good writer (which you are) can get lost in the crowd. You have to have a hook. Something that sets you apart.
Good writing!
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2012
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Wasn't 'Debra Padget" an actress's name or something? It sounds so familiar.
Good writing, Sue. You really got my attention with Eddie and his momma. Sounds like they're a couple of sick puppies worth keeping an eye on.
You're tackling a well-represented market girl. You've got to have a gig that will make your work stand out from the crowd. That's one area where even a hell of a good writer (which you are) can get lost in the crowd. You have to have a hook. Something that sets you apart.
Good writing!
Comment Written 22-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2012
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Thanks, Adri7enne. I couldn't agree more with your suggestion about having a unique hook. Right now, I'm just working on developing my skills, and this review and others on the site are very supportive in that direction. I think I'm beginning to feel comfortable that I'm a good writer and, eventually, hope to have writing good enough to submit for publication.
Having said that, this story does have an interesting hook, just not very apparent as of yet LoL!
Thanks for the superb review and guidance.
Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Tina55
Great writing, Bev. I've come to expect a very articulate hand when I open your posts. You have a great eye for detail and a heart for getting to the core of the matter. Your characters have depth and continue to draw me into their personalities.
I love the skill that the sheriff has for watching the crowd. You unveil his thoughts very well.
I love when he goes back into the house to look around. I also love how you drops hint on the reader instead of just telling us his thoughts or conclusions in an outright fashion.
This is a very creative write.
I still don't trust Father Brian, but I sense that you are just leading me astray with him. DON'T TELL ME!!!
And then there's Eddie. Holy cow! Enter evil creepy guy. So well done!
I feel like Alice, dropped down the rabbit hole, being led around like a wee mouse in a maze. So, so intriguing!!
This is well beyond six star worthy, but I can't give one to you...use your vivid imagination to pretend it's there! Knowing you, it'll have fingerprints or rubbbed-off varnish, implementing me of a crime. LOL
Love it, Bev!!
Yours,
Tina
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2012
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Great writing, Bev. I've come to expect a very articulate hand when I open your posts. You have a great eye for detail and a heart for getting to the core of the matter. Your characters have depth and continue to draw me into their personalities.
I love the skill that the sheriff has for watching the crowd. You unveil his thoughts very well.
I love when he goes back into the house to look around. I also love how you drops hint on the reader instead of just telling us his thoughts or conclusions in an outright fashion.
This is a very creative write.
I still don't trust Father Brian, but I sense that you are just leading me astray with him. DON'T TELL ME!!!
And then there's Eddie. Holy cow! Enter evil creepy guy. So well done!
I feel like Alice, dropped down the rabbit hole, being led around like a wee mouse in a maze. So, so intriguing!!
This is well beyond six star worthy, but I can't give one to you...use your vivid imagination to pretend it's there! Knowing you, it'll have fingerprints or rubbbed-off varnish, implementing me of a crime. LOL
Love it, Bev!!
Yours,
Tina
Comment Written 22-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2012
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Hello, my dear Tina. Thank you so much for this stupendous review. I so appreciate all the time you took to read the story with attention to the details. That is so helpful to me as I go forward with the story. I can't thank you enough for your words of support, Tina, and wish for a virtual six. I'm just thrilled that my story continues to keep hold interest for you. Happy Sunday!
Love, Bev
Comment from barkingdog
You say this is a longer chapter. I never noticed. It read straight through without a hitch and was really interesting. Many things to think about. The killer has a cranky invalid mother and he's given her the beads; there's a lead in the department to the news media; there's something on the wall above the murder scene bed; the killer called Father Brian again and he will meet with Sheriff over lunch, maybe to ask him about the picture that's missing from the frame.You've give us a lot to look forward to.
Your woman in the crowd really stood out with her 'hissing and squealing'(great verbs)that Debra might have been dismembered. The description of the killer's mother paints a full picture right down to the hairs 'growing like sprouts on a rotting potato' and 'spittle hitting his cheek.'(Great image of an old person. I could smell her, too.)
I liked this analogy: feeling all at once like a stone guard atop a hill of secrets surrounded by shark-infested waters. (the media did seem like a feeding frenzie and he had to maintain composure.)
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2012
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You say this is a longer chapter. I never noticed. It read straight through without a hitch and was really interesting. Many things to think about. The killer has a cranky invalid mother and he's given her the beads; there's a lead in the department to the news media; there's something on the wall above the murder scene bed; the killer called Father Brian again and he will meet with Sheriff over lunch, maybe to ask him about the picture that's missing from the frame.You've give us a lot to look forward to.
Your woman in the crowd really stood out with her 'hissing and squealing'(great verbs)that Debra might have been dismembered. The description of the killer's mother paints a full picture right down to the hairs 'growing like sprouts on a rotting potato' and 'spittle hitting his cheek.'(Great image of an old person. I could smell her, too.)
I liked this analogy: feeling all at once like a stone guard atop a hill of secrets surrounded by shark-infested waters. (the media did seem like a feeding frenzie and he had to maintain composure.)
Comment Written 22-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2012
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Thank you so much, dear Ellen. I so appreciate your careful attention to the details of my chapter. It helps so much to know what is working for the reader, and you've very kindly supplied me with your feedback and impressions. The sixth star is icing on the cake of your sincere interest and support, my friend. And very gratifying.
Hugs, Bev
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My pleasure, Bev. :)e
Comment from ivydevine
Have a lot of time on your hands ehh?
The story was thrilling and colorful with quite an array of interesting words. Thank you for the explanantion in authors notes.
Good work
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2012
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Have a lot of time on your hands ehh?
The story was thrilling and colorful with quite an array of interesting words. Thank you for the explanantion in authors notes.
Good work
Comment Written 21-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2012
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Thank you, ivydevine, for your review. I appreciate your interest! Bev
Comment from Cumbrianlass
You get my last six for this. Should be more.
Love the way you explore Oleson's feelings. He's a great character, Bev. Strong - I admire his attitude and his heart.
oooo - what was it about the wall?? That has me all intrigued.
Why is he getting tingles about Father Brian?
Is Eddie a ruse? Did he take those beads from Debra?
Great writing, Bev. The way you are pacing the story is fantastic, the suspense is perfect. Dialogue - right on the money.
Excellent, my friend.
Love Av.
G(r)anite Falls Sheriff, Derek Oleson
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2012
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You get my last six for this. Should be more.
Love the way you explore Oleson's feelings. He's a great character, Bev. Strong - I admire his attitude and his heart.
oooo - what was it about the wall?? That has me all intrigued.
Why is he getting tingles about Father Brian?
Is Eddie a ruse? Did he take those beads from Debra?
Great writing, Bev. The way you are pacing the story is fantastic, the suspense is perfect. Dialogue - right on the money.
Excellent, my friend.
Love Av.
G(r)anite Falls Sheriff, Derek Oleson
Comment Written 21-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2012
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I'm so thrilled with this awesome review, Av. I do like Derek's character - he represents all those wonderful detectives that give up their personal lives and peace of mind in order to solve a case like this. I need to mention that in my AN next time. I'm so happy, also, to read that you think I'm pacing this well. That's been a real concern, so I feel MUCH better. Your words, the stars and support mean so very much, my friend. Love ya, Bev
Comment from dportwood
Writingfundimension,
This story is well written, absent of spag. It grabs the reader right from the start and keeps him interested. Well done.
Duane
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2012
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Writingfundimension,
This story is well written, absent of spag. It grabs the reader right from the start and keeps him interested. Well done.
Duane
Comment Written 21-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2012
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Hi, Duane. Thanks for your review and interest, Duane. I appreciate the support! Warm regards, Bev
Comment from MumEsGirl
Great chapter here again. I can identify with your character, especially towards the end.
Many times I have seen the fear of being put in hospital and being abandoned to a strange system.
Look forward to the next chapter
hugs
kate
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2012
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Great chapter here again. I can identify with your character, especially towards the end.
Many times I have seen the fear of being put in hospital and being abandoned to a strange system.
Look forward to the next chapter
hugs
kate
Comment Written 21-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2012
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Hi, Kate. Thank you for reading my chapter and for your generous review. I really appreciate the support! Warm regards, Bev
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Oh dear, so Eddie killed her. I am enjoying this story and you are doing a good job with it.
and burst into tears at the suggestion that Debra had been hacked up. (omit that)
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2012
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Oh dear, so Eddie killed her. I am enjoying this story and you are doing a good job with it.
and burst into tears at the suggestion that Debra had been hacked up. (omit that)
Comment Written 21-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2012
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Thanks for the suggestion and great review, Barbara. I really appreciate your support and interest. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
Such a creepy chap ... Eddie and his poor old Ma is reliant on him.
gasped,"Oh my - space after comma
to the [the] Sheriff's scrutiny - lose 2nd "the"
resist the [the] detectives - again here - Ha... reckon you've a stutter when you type, girl.
How many times do I have to tell you - this sentence starts as a question, therefore needs a question mark at end
I don't wan't - want
A most intriguing read, Bev.
Margaret
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2012
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Such a creepy chap ... Eddie and his poor old Ma is reliant on him.
gasped,"Oh my - space after comma
to the [the] Sheriff's scrutiny - lose 2nd "the"
resist the [the] detectives - again here - Ha... reckon you've a stutter when you type, girl.
How many times do I have to tell you - this sentence starts as a question, therefore needs a question mark at end
I don't wan't - want
A most intriguing read, Bev.
Margaret
Comment Written 21-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2012
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Thanks so much, Margaret, for your great review and catching those SPAG's. Your interest and support are much appreciated! Warm regards, Bev
Comment from gazzagodbod
who ever it is ill toast there ass great must be a big toaster seriously though this is a great chapter in a great story thanks my friend gazzaxx
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2012
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who ever it is ill toast there ass great must be a big toaster seriously though this is a great chapter in a great story thanks my friend gazzaxx
Comment Written 21-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2012
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Ha, that's a good one, Gazza. Thanks for a super review! I appreciate it ... Bev