Willing Hearts
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Willing Hearts Chapter 2"Solve a crime and fall in love at the same time?
36 total reviews
Comment from lancellot
Hmm, I read this a couple of times. Structurally, it's fine. I bit heavy on the dialogue, and repetitive on a few things like: How beautiful and attractive, and a looker, and so on about Myra. (it's too excessive. Like your other female leads. Like she's the only beautiful a man has ever seen in town). That's not realistic. Even fiction must still be plausible.
I mean no disrespect, and I know you dislike criticism, but I only tell you, because I respect your talent and so much of FanStory's current culture is to NOT tell the truth, give only praise and encouragement.
You have good editing. But I think you still have a black and white issue. By that I mean, your main characters are usually saints and sinners. The saints are usually the females and sinners the males, unless they are the white-knights who drop everything to save the female protagonist.
Like when the random bad guy grabbed Myra and ignored everything she said. I thought his name was Ronnie for a second. It was the same character.
Now before you say, 'You don't like my work.' I do, I just think it could be so much better. As is, the suspension of disbelief needed is cavernous. No normal woman would do what Myra is doing (and no weapon/gun).
The dialogue is very stiff and seems a bit dated. I can't remember ever hearing a guy today say a woman is: a looker. And federal agents would never do what these people are doing, ever. Police are not great, but they absolutely would investigate that many women kidnapped right off the street. You are jumping the shark.
Again, I'm speaking honestly so you can improve and because so very few on this site will. They will give praise and a six, while expecting the same in return.
Last thing: If you want. I will skip reviewing this novel. I don't want to be a bother. Just let me know.
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2024
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Hmm, I read this a couple of times. Structurally, it's fine. I bit heavy on the dialogue, and repetitive on a few things like: How beautiful and attractive, and a looker, and so on about Myra. (it's too excessive. Like your other female leads. Like she's the only beautiful a man has ever seen in town). That's not realistic. Even fiction must still be plausible.
I mean no disrespect, and I know you dislike criticism, but I only tell you, because I respect your talent and so much of FanStory's current culture is to NOT tell the truth, give only praise and encouragement.
You have good editing. But I think you still have a black and white issue. By that I mean, your main characters are usually saints and sinners. The saints are usually the females and sinners the males, unless they are the white-knights who drop everything to save the female protagonist.
Like when the random bad guy grabbed Myra and ignored everything she said. I thought his name was Ronnie for a second. It was the same character.
Now before you say, 'You don't like my work.' I do, I just think it could be so much better. As is, the suspension of disbelief needed is cavernous. No normal woman would do what Myra is doing (and no weapon/gun).
The dialogue is very stiff and seems a bit dated. I can't remember ever hearing a guy today say a woman is: a looker. And federal agents would never do what these people are doing, ever. Police are not great, but they absolutely would investigate that many women kidnapped right off the street. You are jumping the shark.
Again, I'm speaking honestly so you can improve and because so very few on this site will. They will give praise and a six, while expecting the same in return.
Last thing: If you want. I will skip reviewing this novel. I don't want to be a bother. Just let me know.
Comment Written 01-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2024
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How beautiful and attractive, and a looker, and so on about Myra (Myra isn't the main character, Sami is) Thank you for the kind review. I do understand your point and I disagree with you. We each have a right to our opinion. Another reviewer agreed with you, but at least got the MC names correct. I will see what my publisher and editors say. I do appreciate your reviews. The police in today's world, would ignore Sami because she has no real evidence. I know this personally.
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Sorry Sami.
But really, even if she was told, "A Mexican cartel took the girls."
What could she do? She can't even protect herself from one guy on the street. This makes her actions seem odd.
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She can't do anything about the missing girls and it's not a Mexican Cartel who took them. It's somebody else. Sami feels guilty and all of this is because of guilt. There's no way she can solve the problem, only get herself into trouble. Noah continues to work the case because he feels she knows something. She doesn't. I honestly do value your reviews. I may not agree, but that doesn't stop me from appreciating them and I do think about what you've said. I am hurt by your comment 'I know you dislike criticism'. It's not true. I evaluate every comment and, you'll be surprised by this but pray about it and discuss them with one of my editors, then decide if I agree or not. I have actually read your comments to her. My editor is not a 'yes' person either. I discuss things with her while I'm writing and no, she's not an old lady she's about your age. Just so you know, I was taking notes, doing research, and doing an outline at the hospital in Austin, Texas with my youngest son. He needed surgery.
He's 30, while be 31 in March. As I was discussing the plot with him, at the time he told me it would never work, but he also told me 'Under Siege on the Rockin' A' wouldn't work. It's one of my best sellers. I'm willing to try this novel. If my publisher says 'no way', then I'm come to you and apologize. I promise.
Comment from Jacob1395
The tension continues to rise as we wait to find out what's happened to the missing girls and when the police will take this case seriously. Your characters personalities are really beginning to shine through Barbara. I just had one suggestion, I would consider changing the word studied in the first paragraph or removing most of them as it did feel a little repetitive as I was reading. I would remove the first "she studied herself in the mirror." and "she studied her stomach." I think you need this one just to be, "she patted her stomach." I just think that might help the opening flow a little better but I really enjoyed it.
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2024
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The tension continues to rise as we wait to find out what's happened to the missing girls and when the police will take this case seriously. Your characters personalities are really beginning to shine through Barbara. I just had one suggestion, I would consider changing the word studied in the first paragraph or removing most of them as it did feel a little repetitive as I was reading. I would remove the first "she studied herself in the mirror." and "she studied her stomach." I think you need this one just to be, "she patted her stomach." I just think that might help the opening flow a little better but I really enjoyed it.
Comment Written 01-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2024
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I will make that correction. Thank you for the suggestion. I appreciate the help. Thank you.
Comment from Teri7
This is a very good chapter you have penned. You used great descriptive words and very good dialogue. I am looking forward to your next chapter. love and blessings, Teri
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2024
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This is a very good chapter you have penned. You used great descriptive words and very good dialogue. I am looking forward to your next chapter. love and blessings, Teri
Comment Written 01-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2024
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Thank you for the encouragement.
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I have to honestly tell you that I look for your work when I get on here. You are one of the very best my friend! Keep on writing! love and blessings, Teri
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Thank you. I appreciate it every day, but especially today. My post took a hit today with three stars and a poor review.
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oh no! I do not see your writing ever be with three stars or a poor review. They had to be new and not have read you before. I have gotten those on some things I have written, but it was by new people. Keep your chin up. You are a great writer and you have fans that love you and your writing. I am your biggest fan! love and blessings, Teri
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Nope this person has been here a while and gave chapter 1 a three too.
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When I find something that I can't say something nice about I will just move on. If there is a minor problem I will nicely suggest something, but not destroy their heart and mind over their work. There is always something nice we can say or do. I am so sorry that person is being that way. They just need our prayers! Hang in there dear friend!
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That is very true.
Comment from nomi338
This story is starting to develop legs, on which I believe it will stand strongly and go the distance. I am intrigued by the various characters, their unique voice and their dedication to each other and the important work they are engaged in. I wish you must success in your future advancement of this and other stories you are involved in bringing to the table.
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2024
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This story is starting to develop legs, on which I believe it will stand strongly and go the distance. I am intrigued by the various characters, their unique voice and their dedication to each other and the important work they are engaged in. I wish you must success in your future advancement of this and other stories you are involved in bringing to the table.
Comment Written 01-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2024
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Thank you for the encouragement.
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You are a gifted writer, who's critics know it and express their jealousy through unfair comments.
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I see you have read one of my reviews.
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A fool is recognized by the foolish things he says and does. Ignore them and continue to be who you are, undisturbed and unaffected.
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So true. I'm trying to have thicker skin.
Comment from Ric Myworld
This isn't anything that I'd ever expect to get from you, but it's always nice to get outside our comfort zones and push our imaginations and creativity. And as I'd expect, you're doing an outstanding job.
Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2024
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This isn't anything that I'd ever expect to get from you, but it's always nice to get outside our comfort zones and push our imaginations and creativity. And as I'd expect, you're doing an outstanding job.
Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 01-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2024
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
Sami cannot possibly be a school teacher who went to college and be so unenlightened and naive. Going to a popular store and buying brand new clothes to wear that shows them up and expecting them to spill their guts? Even if her only source of information was old tv cop shows, she would know that they don't talk. No mace, no flash light to hit guys with? She wanted to be around hookers yet was surprised a man hit on her? I am surprised she could dress herself. She needs her nurse to come back and take care of her.
This is not at all realistic. Homeland security would not put up with the interference for an instant. She is dangerous to herself and others. You usually write well, but this all wrong. In order to correct this you would need to make her a quaker or a lady who used to be a nun, and was therefore cloistered away from the world. And the homeland guy needs to be yelled at by his peers and boss for being so stupid as to let a civilian interfere. He could lose his job. They all could.
And, if they hadn't gotten there in time, she could have lost more than her naivete'. Don't mean to be harsh, but I think you are over-stretched to goof like this. You need some time off sweetie. Recharge before you finish Seth and Emma. Karen
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2024
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Sami cannot possibly be a school teacher who went to college and be so unenlightened and naive. Going to a popular store and buying brand new clothes to wear that shows them up and expecting them to spill their guts? Even if her only source of information was old tv cop shows, she would know that they don't talk. No mace, no flash light to hit guys with? She wanted to be around hookers yet was surprised a man hit on her? I am surprised she could dress herself. She needs her nurse to come back and take care of her.
This is not at all realistic. Homeland security would not put up with the interference for an instant. She is dangerous to herself and others. You usually write well, but this all wrong. In order to correct this you would need to make her a quaker or a lady who used to be a nun, and was therefore cloistered away from the world. And the homeland guy needs to be yelled at by his peers and boss for being so stupid as to let a civilian interfere. He could lose his job. They all could.
And, if they hadn't gotten there in time, she could have lost more than her naivete'. Don't mean to be harsh, but I think you are over-stretched to goof like this. You need some time off sweetie. Recharge before you finish Seth and Emma. Karen
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 01-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2024
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I guess I don't understand why you read this story if you hate it so much. Of course, the money is good. This story is fiction. Suspension of disbelief is the avoidance?often described as willing?of critical thinking and logic in understanding something that is unreal or impossible in reality, such as something in a work of speculative fiction, in order to believe it for the sake of enjoying its narrative.
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I never at any point said I hated it. You are my friend. And, no matter how many edits you gave me I never complained. I offered you my viewpoint as we are supposed to do. You are entitled to completely ignore it, and to think I am off my rocker you are allowed to do so. I was trying to help. If you want me to stop reviewing your work I will. Karen :-(
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I appreciate and value edits, but you really haven't given me edits, just an opinion about my story line. You have a right to your opinion, and I would never attempt to change that. I attempt to give edits in reviews and not my opinion on story lines. Examples, I don't like fantasy, but I read fantasy and give editing advice, not on how I feel about fantasy. Others don't feel the same way as you do about this story. Please read some of my other reviews. I do value our friendship. We happen to disagree on this area, and that's okay. I accept that.
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There is far more to editing than just grammar. As you were my friend, I wanted you know the pitfalls I saw. I will not do so in the future. I have been corrected on tons of things on this site. Most of the edits were on the money. Some were just points of view. All were appreciated. Not necessarily liked at times. I am sorry I hurt your feelings. That was not meant. Karen
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If more people agreed with you, then I'd rethink it, but in my previous chapter and this one, so far you are the only person who is having problems with it. Maybe they're missing something. When I submit it about a year from now to my publisher, we'll see what he says about it. You do have a right to your opinion.
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have a good weekend. I give blessings to you and yours, Karen
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Same thing. I'm sending hugs, love and prayers.
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:-)
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Nice chapter. Good work.
Seems out of character for Sami to order a 'large' shake. A simple shake order would make the same point.
Bob, where you at?" - I realize that this is dialogue and anything goes, but 'Where are you?" would read better.
Best wishes.
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2024
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Nice chapter. Good work.
Seems out of character for Sami to order a 'large' shake. A simple shake order would make the same point.
Bob, where you at?" - I realize that this is dialogue and anything goes, but 'Where are you?" would read better.
Best wishes.
Comment Written 01-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2024
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Thank you for the kind review. Sami wanted a large shake. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from BethShelby
This is good but very different from your other novels I've read. I like that your writing about this because it has become a serious crime in this countries for young girl to be victim of human sex trafficking.
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2024
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This is good but very different from your other novels I've read. I like that your writing about this because it has become a serious crime in this countries for young girl to be victim of human sex trafficking.
Comment Written 01-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2024
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from royowen
This is gone in a slightly different direction Barbara, yes, our church is involved with something, but not quite the same, that of trying to buy back children from slavery, some involved in prostitution,, so there is directional change dear Barbara, well done, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2024
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This is gone in a slightly different direction Barbara, yes, our church is involved with something, but not quite the same, that of trying to buy back children from slavery, some involved in prostitution,, so there is directional change dear Barbara, well done, blessings Roy
Comment Written 01-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2024
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I'm glad your church is doing that. Thank you for the kind review.
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Well done
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
You have embarked on quite a story here Barbara and we have instances of girls being kidnapped into prostitution in England, especially in the North of England. investigating these crimes can be quite dangerous. I enjoyed the natural dialogue and your story has made a positive start, we will see where it leads. You are brave to have two stories running together Barbara and I wish you luck with it, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2024
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You have embarked on quite a story here Barbara and we have instances of girls being kidnapped into prostitution in England, especially in the North of England. investigating these crimes can be quite dangerous. I enjoyed the natural dialogue and your story has made a positive start, we will see where it leads. You are brave to have two stories running together Barbara and I wish you luck with it, love Dolly x
Comment Written 01-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2024
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Thank you for the kind review.