Looking for Orion - 2
Viewing comments for Chapter 10 "The Hit - part 1"Brothers fight for faith ... and for their lives.
12 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
A good solid start to the piece. Woven elements of backstory are handled well, as is the swift change to action later on.
A few things I noted as I read through-
is murdered, his bbrother, Jack, talks him - brother.
And now ... da-da-DAHHH! The rest of- I would omit this. It's very cheesy.
Also it may be a good idea to insert a clear line between the background section and the rest of the narrative. this stops them running into one another.
Jack droned sarcastically.
Cody looked quickly - be careful with the adverb usage, especially pairing them. It makes them stick out more and can expose weak verb choices.
covering his face"the perfect picture of his brother 'getting back to nature'.- spacing here, also marks.
unfolded around him, apparently unending. - maybe use seemingly rather than apparently.
one of a tree he wanted to copy into a painting, - you could just say 'one of a tree he wanted to paint'.
leaving him as if he were shedding an old skin. - you could streamline this to - shedding like an old skin.
the feel of sunlight and shadow lattice-worked across his face.- you could use 'dappling' here - something like 'the sunlight and shadow dappling his face.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2020
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Hi there,
A good solid start to the piece. Woven elements of backstory are handled well, as is the swift change to action later on.
A few things I noted as I read through-
is murdered, his bbrother, Jack, talks him - brother.
And now ... da-da-DAHHH! The rest of- I would omit this. It's very cheesy.
Also it may be a good idea to insert a clear line between the background section and the rest of the narrative. this stops them running into one another.
Jack droned sarcastically.
Cody looked quickly - be careful with the adverb usage, especially pairing them. It makes them stick out more and can expose weak verb choices.
covering his face"the perfect picture of his brother 'getting back to nature'.- spacing here, also marks.
unfolded around him, apparently unending. - maybe use seemingly rather than apparently.
one of a tree he wanted to copy into a painting, - you could just say 'one of a tree he wanted to paint'.
leaving him as if he were shedding an old skin. - you could streamline this to - shedding like an old skin.
the feel of sunlight and shadow lattice-worked across his face.- you could use 'dappling' here - something like 'the sunlight and shadow dappling his face.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 17-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 17-Jun-2020
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Thank you GMG! I'll go make those repairs and consider the offered suggestions!
Be blessed,
Deb
Comment from Precious Owuamalam
Brilliant. The fire, was it from Jack? Jeez! What a suspense. A very beautiful tale Deb. Nobody will ever want to experience what Cody went through. I'm just waiting to read till the finish.
You may want to look at this statement and make adjustments where necessary: "the perfect picture of his brother 'getting back to nature'.
My very best wishes!
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2020
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Brilliant. The fire, was it from Jack? Jeez! What a suspense. A very beautiful tale Deb. Nobody will ever want to experience what Cody went through. I'm just waiting to read till the finish.
You may want to look at this statement and make adjustments where necessary: "the perfect picture of his brother 'getting back to nature'.
My very best wishes!
Comment Written 16-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2020
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Hi Precious. Hmm ... I'm not seeing what you're talking about on the sentence you flagged. Help! :)
Blessings,
Deb
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Hi Deb, I meant, there should be a second double closing quotation mark after the single quotation mark following "nature" since "the" has a open quotation mark. You may also want to add a back space between the open quotation mark and the wording before it.
Comment from Margaret Bednar
Wowzers! Action just torpedoed into this script and it ends... so suddenly. What a teazer and I look forward to the next chapter! I just love your attention to detail: "He gestured, although Jack's baseball cap blocked his view of the direction." Smooth writing as usual and the relationships between people (and the hatred of the gang he walks into) is expertly crafted.
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2020
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Wowzers! Action just torpedoed into this script and it ends... so suddenly. What a teazer and I look forward to the next chapter! I just love your attention to detail: "He gestured, although Jack's baseball cap blocked his view of the direction." Smooth writing as usual and the relationships between people (and the hatred of the gang he walks into) is expertly crafted.
Comment Written 16-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2020
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Margaret, thank you so much for your encouragement and the exceptional rating. I'm nonored by that. This is my baby, as you know from your own writings, so I'm thrilled that it's being so wel received. :)
Blessings,
Deb
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Well, the characters have heart and I like them immensely. :)
Comment from Pearl Edwards
Nice descriptions as Cody climbs to the lookout and stumbles into trouble. Great chapter Deb, i loved the bush descriptions tou really put me there. Cheers valda
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2020
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Nice descriptions as Cody climbs to the lookout and stumbles into trouble. Great chapter Deb, i loved the bush descriptions tou really put me there. Cheers valda
Comment Written 16-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 16-Jun-2020
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Thank you so much, Valda. I'm so honored that you gave this segment an exceptional rating! I was a bit worried because it's not 'butterflies and daisy' stuff. And it gets harder before it gets easier for these guys. We'll see how the community takes it. :)
Blessings, sweet Valda,
Deb
Comment from lyenochka
Loved the poetic description of the trail and wild life. A walk in nature is therapy!
Oh no! Did Jack follow him? But Jack didn't have any weapon. What about Cody's pistol? Hope somehow he can get to it!
this wilderness"there was (space instead of quotes)
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2020
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Loved the poetic description of the trail and wild life. A walk in nature is therapy!
Oh no! Did Jack follow him? But Jack didn't have any weapon. What about Cody's pistol? Hope somehow he can get to it!
this wilderness"there was (space instead of quotes)
Comment Written 14-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2020
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Thank you, Helen. :)
Augh -- I missed one. Somehow, my copy/paste translates a dash into quotations. I caught a few, missed this one, so thank you for finding it. :)
Blessings,
Deb
Comment from sherrygreywolf
OH NO! What a horrible place to stop. Hope the next post is soon so we know how badly Cody is hurt and what brother Jack does to these guys.
Few kinks to work out but loved both the vivid descriptions and the evolving story line.
Need to take a look at these -
"had taken (a) toll on most of the flowers"
"For too long he felt" - you changed tense here. Either needs to be "For too long he had felt" or "For too long he'd felt"
"fragrance from the mix(") pine and cedar" - shouldn't that be a semi-colon rather than quotation mark?
"It wasn't quiet in this wilderness(")there was too much life" - what's this thing you've got with quotation marks in this chapter ;)
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reply by the author on 15-Jun-2020
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OH NO! What a horrible place to stop. Hope the next post is soon so we know how badly Cody is hurt and what brother Jack does to these guys.
Few kinks to work out but loved both the vivid descriptions and the evolving story line.
Need to take a look at these -
"had taken (a) toll on most of the flowers"
"For too long he felt" - you changed tense here. Either needs to be "For too long he had felt" or "For too long he'd felt"
"fragrance from the mix(") pine and cedar" - shouldn't that be a semi-colon rather than quotation mark?
"It wasn't quiet in this wilderness(")there was too much life" - what's this thing you've got with quotation marks in this chapter ;)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 14-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2020
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Lol. It's NOT ME! The advanced editor reads my dashes as double quotes. I thought I'd caught them all but it was well after midnight when I posted. You know how THAT goes. lol
I'll hop over and fix them now. Thank yu, sis. You caught what everyone else missed. (As usual.)
Talk later,
Deb
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Now the story is hotting up, but where is Jack when Cody needs him? Fast asleep back at camp! I hope he heard the gun shot, and that the old man got far enough away, perhaps even bumping into Jack? Can't wait for the next part, well done! :)) Sandra xxx
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2020
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Now the story is hotting up, but where is Jack when Cody needs him? Fast asleep back at camp! I hope he heard the gun shot, and that the old man got far enough away, perhaps even bumping into Jack? Can't wait for the next part, well done! :)) Sandra xxx
Comment Written 14-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2020
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I appreciate it, Sandra! These guys are like my kids at this point.lol I am glad you read and enjoyed the segment.
Blessings,
Deb
Comment from Puzzle
omg!!! what is going on here in this story?!! this is crazy!!! lol. what kind of super dangerous times do these men live in?! lmao. but seriously, don't worry about the rifle cause i'm not good with guns either. lol.
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2020
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omg!!! what is going on here in this story?!! this is crazy!!! lol. what kind of super dangerous times do these men live in?! lmao. but seriously, don't worry about the rifle cause i'm not good with guns either. lol.
Comment Written 14-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2020
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lol. I think I"ll go with a .22. It is a rifle shot Cody can live through, but it's a choice gun of hitmen because the bullets arelightweight enough they just bounce around in a guy's brain. Isn't it lovely what we learn when we write... lol.
Be blessed! Countdown to NO MORE SCHOOL! :) :) :)
Deb
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yes!!!! i love all this research u have to do for writing. currently doing some for my best in class book and for my detective story. and yes omg countdown is on!!!!
Comment from Bill Pinder
Excellent description of the scenery. I guess a 22 would be good to use as a rifle of that caliber would be less likely to kill him with one shot. Also, sounds like a rifle is a better choice to give him the opportunity to dive under it before he gets shot at Close range on the first shot. Bill
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2020
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Excellent description of the scenery. I guess a 22 would be good to use as a rifle of that caliber would be less likely to kill him with one shot. Also, sounds like a rifle is a better choice to give him the opportunity to dive under it before he gets shot at Close range on the first shot. Bill
Comment Written 14-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2020
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Thank you, Bill. I researched on writer's sites and a .22 is a great gun for a cloe-kill on a person because the bullets bounce inside a guy's head and mush the brain. Ain't it great what we learn as writers... lol
Blessings,
Deb
Comment from royowen
I think a .22 would be the go here, particularly since it gives someone a chance of living, we don't know where Jack is right, but you do, I'm wondering if Cody's carrying his gun. This is great writing, because the action shots are so good, well done Debora, well done, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2020
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I think a .22 would be the go here, particularly since it gives someone a chance of living, we don't know where Jack is right, but you do, I'm wondering if Cody's carrying his gun. This is great writing, because the action shots are so good, well done Debora, well done, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 14-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2020
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Thank you, Roy. Yep, going with a .22. :)
Be blessed,
Deb
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Good girl