Looking for Orion - 2
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "The Best Laid Plans: part 3"Brothers fight for faith ... and for their lives.
10 total reviews
Comment from Pearl Edwards
A good read as Jack tries to convince Cody to have a weekend away. You have some great little scenes throughout this one, the giggles when having a family photo taken, and then the scene with Jack and Pamela at the wedding. That was easy to see.Enjoyed this read,
cheers,
valda
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2020
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A good read as Jack tries to convince Cody to have a weekend away. You have some great little scenes throughout this one, the giggles when having a family photo taken, and then the scene with Jack and Pamela at the wedding. That was easy to see.Enjoyed this read,
cheers,
valda
Comment Written 06-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2020
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I appreciate you reading and reviewing, and your encouraging words. :)
Deb
Comment from Precious Owuamalam
This is very lovely and wonderful. A good read for the start of the evening from my end. You may want to look at :"Look ... I thought it'd be a disaster when Mom moved in with you. But somehow the two of you have managed to make it work. You're the parent; she's the grandma. She never undermines what you want, or buries you in advice. Well," he amended his statement after a glance from his brother, "almost never. She doesn't play favorites with your kids over mine. But, Code, she baby-sits for us at least once a month. You're so freaked out by the idea of not taking advantage of her that you don't let her be like a normal grandma. Her feelings are hurt because you never leave the kids with her." Some quotation marks are missing out.
Here:"Man, you are the best father I've ever known"except for Dad. And your kids are safe. you've done everything in your power to make sure of that." You may want to space out "'' and except" whilst changing "you've" to "You've."
I believe this is a question: "Didn't help much before, did it." Hence, you may want to change the full-stop to a question mark.
There's a double punctuation here: "looked back at him.,"
Probably a pause represented with a comma after "her" would be helpful in: As much as he missed her he couldn't really imagine what Cody went through.
Since this is in the reported phase : Cody and Laine never saw the humor and forbid Jack and Pam to ever look at each other in public again.
Don't you think "forbid" should be replaced with "forbade"?
My very best wishes!
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2020
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This is very lovely and wonderful. A good read for the start of the evening from my end. You may want to look at :"Look ... I thought it'd be a disaster when Mom moved in with you. But somehow the two of you have managed to make it work. You're the parent; she's the grandma. She never undermines what you want, or buries you in advice. Well," he amended his statement after a glance from his brother, "almost never. She doesn't play favorites with your kids over mine. But, Code, she baby-sits for us at least once a month. You're so freaked out by the idea of not taking advantage of her that you don't let her be like a normal grandma. Her feelings are hurt because you never leave the kids with her." Some quotation marks are missing out.
Here:"Man, you are the best father I've ever known"except for Dad. And your kids are safe. you've done everything in your power to make sure of that." You may want to space out "'' and except" whilst changing "you've" to "You've."
I believe this is a question: "Didn't help much before, did it." Hence, you may want to change the full-stop to a question mark.
There's a double punctuation here: "looked back at him.,"
Probably a pause represented with a comma after "her" would be helpful in: As much as he missed her he couldn't really imagine what Cody went through.
Since this is in the reported phase : Cody and Laine never saw the humor and forbid Jack and Pam to ever look at each other in public again.
Don't you think "forbid" should be replaced with "forbade"?
My very best wishes!
Comment Written 05-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2020
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Hi there! My sakes! Lot of booboos there. Lol. I'll go do a quick fix first thing in MY morning. :)
Deb
Comment from Margaret Bednar
Love " making observations about life and love and time that would feel uncomfortable in the light of day." Just a great observation and so true.
The whole "remembering" part made me miss her as well, the whole foursome - I feel I'm missing out. This writing has so a LOT of heart.
tiny corrections:
safe. you've done everything (period?)
Jack didn't say anything until his brother looked back at him., waiting for a response. (period, comma?)
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2020
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Love " making observations about life and love and time that would feel uncomfortable in the light of day." Just a great observation and so true.
The whole "remembering" part made me miss her as well, the whole foursome - I feel I'm missing out. This writing has so a LOT of heart.
tiny corrections:
safe. you've done everything (period?)
Jack didn't say anything until his brother looked back at him., waiting for a response. (period, comma?)
Comment Written 04-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2020
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AUGH! I just can't seem to catch all the SPaG, even using the grammerly and listening to it read aloud. BUT I WILL... lol.
Thant you for the catches,
Blessings,
Deb
Comment from Puzzle
I really am enjoying this story. and this chapters got me wondering a bit about Jack and pams relationship. i feel like u kinda hinted there was something going on. but i'm not sure. it felt like it tho. maybe they just connected on that one level or maybe there was even more? idk. also the character jack reminds me of my ex fiancé. yes, i was engaged and called off an entire wedding halfway planned. that sucked. lol. but anyway, the way you write jack, i am picturing mike, my ex, speaking his words. He is just like Jack, always trying to pick everyone up and help everyone. He could too cause he was LOADED! If i would have married him , I'd be a housewife of chicago! lol. But nope. even though i chose a harder path, i'm oddly happier. But great story. i'm really loving it. you have great characters.
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2020
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I really am enjoying this story. and this chapters got me wondering a bit about Jack and pams relationship. i feel like u kinda hinted there was something going on. but i'm not sure. it felt like it tho. maybe they just connected on that one level or maybe there was even more? idk. also the character jack reminds me of my ex fiancé. yes, i was engaged and called off an entire wedding halfway planned. that sucked. lol. but anyway, the way you write jack, i am picturing mike, my ex, speaking his words. He is just like Jack, always trying to pick everyone up and help everyone. He could too cause he was LOADED! If i would have married him , I'd be a housewife of chicago! lol. But nope. even though i chose a harder path, i'm oddly happier. But great story. i'm really loving it. you have great characters.
Comment Written 04-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2020
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THank you, Dana. :)
I chose a harder path, too, although I"m not sure I realized it. But happy -- yes. Glad I made the choice I did. I'd never have been a housewife of Austin or anything -- I'd been a Methodist minister's wife. Oi! Can you see that!? No ? God does good to coral this mouth to allow me to be a children's minister! lol
Anyhow, many thanks, friend.
Deb
Comment from thaities, Rebecca V.
This is a great story, and I Iook forward to every post. The characters are believable and their conversation flows naturally and sounds real.
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2020
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This is a great story, and I Iook forward to every post. The characters are believable and their conversation flows naturally and sounds real.
Comment Written 04-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2020
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And again, Rebecca, many thanks!
DEb
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You're welcome.
Comment from sherrygreywolf
Couple of things need correcting and then I'll come back and upgrade the review. "Man, you are the best father I've ever known (" - remove this) except for Dad. And your kids are safe. you've done everything in your power to make sure of that."
"making observations about life and love and time (shouldn't this be things or did you mean for it to be time?) that would feel uncomfortable in the light of day."
Hugs, girl. Keep up the great work!
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2020
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Couple of things need correcting and then I'll come back and upgrade the review. "Man, you are the best father I've ever known (" - remove this) except for Dad. And your kids are safe. you've done everything in your power to make sure of that."
"making observations about life and love and time (shouldn't this be things or did you mean for it to be time?) that would feel uncomfortable in the light of day."
Hugs, girl. Keep up the great work!
Comment Written 04-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2020
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Good morning! Thanks for the read. I just got a 4 from Robyn, too, although she feels like we're spending far too much time in this office. I agree. I thin this one goes on the surgical table for some cuttin' and removin'. lol
I'll zoom over in a minute and make those fixes.
Holler at me later. My plans for the day changed -- not working at church today.
D
Comment from lyenochka
Is there a reason for the long flashback? Just to reinforce the quirky sense of humor that both Pam and Jack shared? Is the the different font to designate the flashback?
"The kid's are going to love it. " (kids)
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2020
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Is there a reason for the long flashback? Just to reinforce the quirky sense of humor that both Pam and Jack shared? Is the the different font to designate the flashback?
"The kid's are going to love it. " (kids)
Comment Written 03-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2020
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You know, I'm thinking about taking that out, actually. The chapter (as a whole) is 5000 words. I may trim it. there.
Thanks for the catch!
Deb
Comment from Mia Twysted
There is so much back and forth between the siblings that it gets a little hard to follow with all the extra tags. It would be nice just to have some back and forth of just dialog.
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2020
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There is so much back and forth between the siblings that it gets a little hard to follow with all the extra tags. It would be nice just to have some back and forth of just dialog.
Comment Written 03-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2020
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Thank you. I'm doing some pruning today based on suggesitons received here on FS. I'll pluck some of that extra stuff out. :)
Blessings,
Deb
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
I'm hoping that Cody will go on the camping trip with his brother. It might just be the help he needs. The two brothers talking, remembering. It would be how my two boys would be. I know, they were like that when their dad died when they were still children. This is a great story, with believable characters. Loving it! :)) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2020
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I'm hoping that Cody will go on the camping trip with his brother. It might just be the help he needs. The two brothers talking, remembering. It would be how my two boys would be. I know, they were like that when their dad died when they were still children. This is a great story, with believable characters. Loving it! :)) Sandra xx
Comment Written 03-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2020
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Thank you, Sandra. I'm sorry for your loss, and for your kids. I know how hard it was for me to lose my mom when I was younger. And how weird it is to have outlived her age of death by do many years!
Thanks for the read and review. I'm so pleased that you're enjoying it.
Blessings,
Deb
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
I liked and enjoyed all previous chapters, this is again nice, mother's role is so appreciable, kids do know mother's demand and decisions; Cody and Jack are becoming more and more interesting characters; plans are still being made; well said, well done; enjoyed the read; thanks for sharing this; keep writing. ALCREATOR
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2020
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I liked and enjoyed all previous chapters, this is again nice, mother's role is so appreciable, kids do know mother's demand and decisions; Cody and Jack are becoming more and more interesting characters; plans are still being made; well said, well done; enjoyed the read; thanks for sharing this; keep writing. ALCREATOR
Comment Written 03-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2020
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Thank you, Alcreator. I appreciate your kind words. :)
Be blessed,
Deb