Dreams Come True
300-600 word story.10 total reviews
Comment from Erik McGinley
This, I liked.
I almost guessed the punchline but was not sure right up until the end.
Very well written and, even though saddening, an extremely enjoyable read.
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2013
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This, I liked.
I almost guessed the punchline but was not sure right up until the end.
Very well written and, even though saddening, an extremely enjoyable read.
Comment Written 13-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 14-Dec-2013
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There is another one you may enjoy, dark as well It is titled Breathless and only 100 words. thank you for stopping by.
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That one actually scared me. It reminded me, on first reading, too much of a film on the same subject about a supposed murder victim who died as the result of sexual asphyxia.
Being honest, your story isn't quite so appalling as my first reaction to it.
Comment from EMB
This started with a terrific sense of foreboding and dread without giving us hardly anything. Nice job with building that immediately. The ending was both shocking and sad.
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2013
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This started with a terrific sense of foreboding and dread without giving us hardly anything. Nice job with building that immediately. The ending was both shocking and sad.
Comment Written 10-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 11-Dec-2013
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Thank you, Where have you been? Hope all is well.
Comment from LucaFen4
I think it's a great concept. You perhaps could have used some of the extra words available in the prompt to further tell the story.
One thing I was confused on, why were her fingernails jagged and chipped? Was she leaving - suitcase, or committing suicide - slit wrists. I would think letters would be written before slitting wrists.
Also, 'The blood formed a circle at her feet' - to me that implies fresh blood, not dried.
It needs some clarification in a couple spots for me.
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2013
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I think it's a great concept. You perhaps could have used some of the extra words available in the prompt to further tell the story.
One thing I was confused on, why were her fingernails jagged and chipped? Was she leaving - suitcase, or committing suicide - slit wrists. I would think letters would be written before slitting wrists.
Also, 'The blood formed a circle at her feet' - to me that implies fresh blood, not dried.
It needs some clarification in a couple spots for me.
Comment Written 07-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2013
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Thank you for this extensive edit and analysis of the story, I will review it.
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I have made some changes, can you reread it also you do not have to upgrade the stars. thank you
Comment from Supe
This is well done and very sad. Gripping from the start to the finish....wondering what was going on.
Last paragraph ...but the door to the bathroom opened. (not capital T)
Your ending was shocking. Not sure when she actually slit her wrists.
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2013
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This is well done and very sad. Gripping from the start to the finish....wondering what was going on.
Last paragraph ...but the door to the bathroom opened. (not capital T)
Your ending was shocking. Not sure when she actually slit her wrists.
Comment Written 06-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2013
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Thank you for the review.
Comment from JD Storms
Ouch didn't expect that. Good job and I wish you the best in your contest. That one blindsided me for sure, good work keep them coming!
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2013
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Ouch didn't expect that. Good job and I wish you the best in your contest. That one blindsided me for sure, good work keep them coming!
Comment Written 06-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2013
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Thank you
Comment from RodG
You have written a very chilling story here of a girl planning to kill herself. The tension was taut throughout. What really impressed me, however, was how well you crept into Joleen's mind as a narrator and SHOWED her mental state without giving anything away until the end. Very well done in only 338 words.
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2013
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You have written a very chilling story here of a girl planning to kill herself. The tension was taut throughout. What really impressed me, however, was how well you crept into Joleen's mind as a narrator and SHOWED her mental state without giving anything away until the end. Very well done in only 338 words.
Comment Written 06-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2013
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Thank you so much
Comment from CR Delport
Oh my, this is actually quite a disturbing story. It is well written but tells a terrible story. I mean terrible as in it is actually a sad story. Thanks for sharing and good luck.
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2013
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Oh my, this is actually quite a disturbing story. It is well written but tells a terrible story. I mean terrible as in it is actually a sad story. Thanks for sharing and good luck.
Comment Written 06-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2013
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thank you blessings
Comment from Teagan Rose Horton
wow this is excellent, you have used such great techniques, your writing is so precise and profound, i loved reading this, you have such great talent and enthusiasm, i hope to read more from you, have a blessed day
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2013
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wow this is excellent, you have used such great techniques, your writing is so precise and profound, i loved reading this, you have such great talent and enthusiasm, i hope to read more from you, have a blessed day
Comment Written 06-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2013
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thank you for the best review Ive ever received
Comment from Jacq77
Now that was a story with a twist. I definitely didn't see that coming. This was well written, with only a couple of very minor things you may wish to fix:
"Joleen thought, This could work, should work." - Either put a fullstop after thought, or take away the capital T in This.
", yet He always looked so sad" - make H a small h in He.
I thought this was a very well written story, that kept me interested all the way through. Well done!
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2013
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Now that was a story with a twist. I definitely didn't see that coming. This was well written, with only a couple of very minor things you may wish to fix:
"Joleen thought, This could work, should work." - Either put a fullstop after thought, or take away the capital T in This.
", yet He always looked so sad" - make H a small h in He.
I thought this was a very well written story, that kept me interested all the way through. Well done!
Comment Written 06-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2013
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thank you
Comment from Cajungirl
Oh, this is indeed a very good story. Good twist at the end. I never thought she was trying to kill herself. Very good use of every word. best of luck in the contest.
Great Flash fiction story.
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2013
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Oh, this is indeed a very good story. Good twist at the end. I never thought she was trying to kill herself. Very good use of every word. best of luck in the contest.
Great Flash fiction story.
Comment Written 05-Dec-2013
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2013
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thank you